Chicago’s Problems, & Wrong-headed Corporate Scoring (posted 4/14/23)

I’ve tried to make this my best column ever, because on Monday I’m going to be taking a big risk of alienating some in CO nation.  That’s right, I’m going to give my thoughts on the contentious “Trump vs. DeSantis” debate. 

I may even partially disagree with the great and powerful CO.  So prepare for chaos: tectonic plates shifting, cats and dogs living together, who knows what else?  But in the meantime…

Here’s some news that will make you laugh, and then cry.   Or vice versa.

Chicago has been selected to host the 2024 Democrat National Convention!  Mayor J.B. “Jabba the” Pritzker announced the news with a giddy tweet: “I look forward to welcoming everyone to the Midwest and showing off our diverse communities, impeccable hospitality, and world-renowned venues.”

By “diversity” he is referring to the Benetton rainbow of ethnic diversity that peoples the violent rioter community.   (We’re so diverse that even our Maga-hat-wearing Jussie Smollett muggers are from Nigeria!)

By “impeccable hospitality” he’s referencing the new policy amongst Chicago carjackers: if you survive the first three gunshots, the next bullet is free!  (Chicago puts the “hospital” in “hospitality!”)

My first thought on reading this was that I’m going to get a huge tub of popcorn next August, and sit back with my Wonder Dog at my feet, and watch Democrat delegates running serpentine into and out of the United Center as the echoing gunshots evoke the ambiance of Mogadishu in the springtime. 

(Best case scenario: enough of them end up in either intensive care or the Democrat-voting-stronghold cemeteries of Chicago to deny the convention a quorum to actually choose a nominee!) 

But then I remembered: Democrats are world-record holders in dishonest hypocrisy.  (Or was that hypocritical dishonesty?) (You say “potato,” I say “Que Mala.”)

So I’m sure that shortly before the convention starts, they’ll sweep the homeless off the streets, temporarily jail all of the gangbangers (“C’mon guys, it’s just for two weeks, and then you can go right back to preying on our helpless citizens!”), and put more cops with guns and armored vehicles on the street than Patton had when he was liberating Bastogne from another bunch of evil socialists.

I don’t know who really made this decision, but I’m absolutely certain that it wasn’t Joe Biden (RIP).  In fact, I’m guessing that Pritzker paid off the appropriate grifters (by the way, “Pritzker and the Grifters” would not be the worst band name ever), and then made the following phone call:

Pritzker: “Hello Mr. President, this is J.B. Pritzker.”

Biden: “Huh?”

Pritzker: “I’m calling to tell you that the convention is going to be in Chicago next year.”

Biden: “What?”

Pritzker: “Isn’t that great?”

Biden: “I like ice cream!”

Pritzker: “Yeah… I’ve heard that.”

Biden: “Who is this?”

Pritzker: “Okay then.  Gotta run.” [click]

Biden: “Mint chocolate chip is my favorite.  Or just chocolate chip.” [long pause] “Hello?”

Biden looks at the phone, then hangs up.

“Dr.” Jill: “Who was that?”

Biden: “It was Pretzel.”

“Dr.” Jill (rolling her eyes): “What did pretzel want?”

Biden: “He said the retention’s gonna be in the Congo new year.  Or maybe… we’re gonna have detention in Cabo.”

“Dr.” Jill: “That’s nice, dear.  Do you want some ice cream?”

Biden: “Oooh yeah!  Lint droplet slip.  I mean, squint gauntlet trip”.

“Dr. Jill: “Mint chocolate chip?”

Biden (pointing one finger in the air, triumphantly): “That’s it! 

And, scene.

Whoever was writing the press release cleaned things up.  But the final draft of the announcement still had this sentence in it, which I swear I am not making up: “Chicago was chosen after getting top grades in an evaluation by the DNC’s Technical Advisory Group, a panel of experts considering factors such as hotel capacity, transportation, security, financing and other logistics.”

Wow!  Can you imagine the palpable fog of incompetence, avarice and delusion filling the room when the dunce-cap-bedecked DNC “Technical Advisory Group” gathered in one place?  In their list of criteria that made Chicago such a winner, they had the gall to list “security!”  

I would deploy my Sam Kinison filter™, but I’m afraid that plugging “security” into a discussion about Chicago would break it.  And something tells me we’re going to be needing it over the next 19 months.   

Pritzker accidentally told the truth in the last line of his announcement tweet: “There is no better place to tell the story of @JoeBiden & @KamalaHarris.” 

No disrespect to San Francisco, Baltimore, St. Louis, Sodom, Gomorrah, or the other most crime-ridden, dysfunctional dumpster-fire cities.

But, yep.

Moving on…

On Monday night I drafted some thoughts on the Bud Light/ Dylan Mulvaney fiasco which was then just breaking. (Because I’m always on the job, working for the fine people of CO Nation. You’re welcome.) But now that story is feeling like old news. 

However, a few aspects of it are representative of other stories and long-term trends.  Take, for example, Alissa Heinerscheid – and yes, her last name looks like a devastating insult in German – the PR boss who came up with the idea to use Boy Barbie to pitch Bud.  (And he looks more like a catcher than a pitcher, doesn’t he?) 

Heinerscheid is typical of our insulated, cultural elite: liberal arts degree from Harvard, MBA from Wharton, high-powered, bi-coastal job.

And yet she thought that the best way to sell a least-common-denominator product consumed mostly by blue-collar males would be to hire a grown (if cringingly effeminate) “man” pretending to be a pre-teen girl. 

Well, I guess that’s one approach, though it’s not one I’d bet my career on.  But then again, I’m no fancy, high-priced marketing expert.  I’m just an average guy, i.e. one who has to struggle manfully not to poke my eyes out with a sharp object whenever I see Dylan Mulvaney’s woman-face act on tv.

Heinersheid’s now-infamous quote that the challenge for her is that the Bud Light brand “has been in decline for a really long time” reminds me of the famous Hemingway quote from The Sun Also Rises, in which one of his characters, when asked how he’d gone bankrupt, answered, “Two ways.  Gradually and then suddenly.” 

I think Ms. Heinersheid is going to find that Bud Light may have been declining gradually.  But she’s about to see “suddenly” kick in.  

[And in the four days since I wrote the previous two paragraphs, “suddenly” has arrived for Ms. Heinersheid.]

It’s hard to imagine how any influential corporate big shots can make such disastrously risky decisions.  Until you consider the ESG (Environmental, Social and Governance) and CEI (Corporate Equality Index) scores assembled by influential far-left groups like the Human Rights Campaign.

These scores are supposed to indicate “ethical investing,” but in this case, “ethical” means “leftist.”  (You know, the way war means peace, and freedom means slavery, and ignorance means strength.) 

Since some of the largest asset funds use those scores to steer investments, many intelligence-insulting ad campaigns have been foisted onto the public by corporations more concerned with getting leftist approval than providing a good or service that customers actually want.    

Some a-political and conservative groups are pushing back on those biased scores, and I hope that they will succeed in getting rid of them.  But until that happens, I think we need to fight fire with fire. 

To do my part, I hereby introduce the Simpson Common Sense Index (SCSI), a much more logical way to judge the merits of corporate leadership.  I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but below I offer some of the SCSI criteria for your consideration.

If the CEO and/or top executive team members have done the following listed behaviors, they receive the corresponding score adjustments:

If they’ve voted for any Democrat since Daniel Patrick Moynihan died, they start at an absolutely fair zero points. 

From that position, the following points will be subtracted from their zero:

If they’ve ever said, “My truth” non-sarcastically — minus 10

If they’ve sent their own kids to private schools while voting to force middle-class and poor folks’ kids into public schools – minus 20

If they own a gun or employ anyone who carries one, but have voted to keep law abiding citizens from owning guns – minus 20

If they’ve lectured others about CO2 levels but have ever flown private – minus 20

If they’ve ever cited The Southern Poverty Law Center, Human Rights Watch, the UN’s Human Rights Council, or Dr. Fauci approvingly – minus 10 points each

If they’ve ever said that newborns “are assigned gender at birth” with a straight face – minus 20

If they’ve ever used the adjective “Reverend” when describing oily charlatan Al Sharpton – minus 10

If they’ve ever used the adjective “Reverend” when describing rhyming charlatan Jesse Jackson – minus 10

If they’ve ever booed anyone for saying “All Lives Matter” – minus 10

If they’ve ever put one of those idiotic “Co-Exist” bumper stickers on their car — minus 20

If they’ve ever ridden in a car with one of those idiotic stickers without berating the owner – minus 10

If they’ve ever said “LGBTQ” in reference to the gender-non-conforming – minus 1

If they’ve ever added the “+” to “LGBTQ” – minus an additional 4

If they’ve ever added “2-spirit” to “LGBTQ+” – minus an additional 10

If they’ve ever said “LGBTQ” to indicate “Let’s Get Biden To Quit” – plus 20

If they’ve ever told the following joke – “Q: What do you call it when a Pride parade float catches fire?  A: LGBBQ” – plus 20 (but with an accompanying look of mild disapproval)

If they’ve ever told that joke in a faculty lounge:  plus 100, and a pricey bottle of bourbon for their retirement party.  

If they’ve ever used pronouns in any way other than God and the Anglo Saxons intended – minus 30  

Next week, if I survive the outrage from my Trump vs. DeSantis column, I’ll offer some behaviors that will improve the SCSI scores for companies who want to actually serve in the marketplace.  Until then, have a great weekend!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Jabba the Pritzker, 2024!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: