Thank you all for your kind words and wishes about the travails that my mom and Edgar the dog experienced during our Tennessee trip. I’m happy to report that mom is experiencing nothing worse than what feels like a minor head cold, my sis and her hubby didn’t catch the ‘rona, and Eddie is back to his “good boy” self after the vet found nothing to explain his seizure.
As I mentioned in my last column, I’ve heard a lot worse country lyrics than, “Momma’s got sick and the dog had a seizure.”
In fact, just typing that has inspired me to try to write at least one verse of lyrics, which I am still years away from being able to put to music with my feeble newbie guitar skills.
It’s tentatively called, “Spring 2023 Blues” –
“Momma got sick and the dog had a seizure,
Biden’s destroying our land at his leisure,
And Fox News has just tossed out our buddy Tucker,
Rupert, you low-down dim-wit mother—”
Okay, maybe I need a little more seasoning (and a little less medicinal bourbon) before turning my hand to songwriting.
But after the amazing job CO did with “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” on his guitar at Christmastime, perhaps he can start working up an original country-flavored tune, while I try to hash out some lyrics?
(Everybody mark your calendars, because this day may be the beginning of a musical collaboration destined to produce the Lennon-McCartney of the 21st century!)
As I got settled back in at home and caught up on the news that I’d missed in Tennessee, I was struck by how much this militant transgender craziness has metastasized all over the country. Disruptions have happened at public speeches on campuses, in schools and at parades, and even in state houses.
The latest transurrection – not to be confused with an insurrection, which is terrible beyond measure – happened in Montana, of all places.
(By the way, for those scoring at home, here’s how it works: Guy in a horn hat walking through an empty chamber escorted by cops? Mortal threat to democracy! Guys dressed in Liza Minnelli dresses, Tammy Faye makeup, and late-career Liz Taylor wigs, screaming through bullhorns and jostling lawmakers? Democracy in action!)
The action this time happened during a debate in the Montana legislature about a bill forbidding doctors from doing mutilating gender-based surgeries on children. As it became clear that the pro “cut the kids” side was going to lose, a guy pretending to be a gal named “Zoey Zephyr” stepped up to do two things:
1. Prove the truism that even with hormone therapy and makeup, an unattractive man makes a horrifically more unattractive woman. (See: Admiral of the Seven Seas Richard “nobody calls him Dick” (anymore) Levine)
2. Make an overwrought grab for attention like a grown-up theater kid chewing the scenery in a venue so far off Broadway that it’s practically – literally, in this case – in Montana.
After plowing through the usual talking points, “Zooey” peaked with a hysterical accusation that anyone who votes for the bill “will have blood on their hands!”
Which is weird. Because you know who really has literal blood on their hands in this case?
Doctors who take a scalpel to the genitalia of children. Which – I’m no doctor – I’m pretty sure have lots of blood vessels in them.
Sidebar: One of the most consistent vexations of the trans activists’ rhetorical style is their evasions of clear and accurate language in favor of euphemism, obfuscation and dishonest descriptions.
In that way, they are very similar to the radical pro-choice activists in the abortion debate. You know the examples only too well: the most prominent and profitable group dedicated to preventing parenthood is called “Planned Parenthood.”
An unborn baby – which has separate and distinct brainwaves, heartbeat and DNA from her mother – is called “the mother’s body”. It’s also called “a tissue mass,” which is true, as far as it goes.
I.e. in the sense that a mother, or a father, or Whoopie Goldberg, can also be called a “tissue mass.” (In Goldberg’s case, that would be a “massive tissue mass.”)
Or, my favorite, a “fetus.” Abortion supporters use that term frequently – “It’s NOT a baby, it’s a fetus!” – and often with the haughtiness that medium-smart (at best) people display when they use a medical term, often because those terms come from Latin. Which “fetus,” in fact, does.
I imagine that many pro-choicers think that “fetus” probably means something like “tissue mass,” or “tiny part of the mother’s body.” Inconveniently for them it means… wait for it… ”offspring!”
D’oh!
Anyway, although abortion enthusiasts have had decades to develop and refine their favorite propagandistic pet phrases, the transgender enthusiasts are catching up quick.
Almost every term they use is either grossly euphemistic or else blatantly dishonest. They invented “cis gender” to replace “normal.” (I don’t mean that term to be insulting, but simply descriptive. As in, “Humans normally have two eyes through which they are able to see.” As opposed to, “Some people are blind, while others are cis sighted.”)
They use “gender affirming” to describe actions that deny gender.
Consider constant calls to give “transgender kids the medical care they deserve.”
The kids aren’t “transgender,” since no one can in reality change their gender; they are either suffering from a mental illness called gender dysmorphia or – much more commonly – either driven by a social contagion, or being abused by unstable parents riddled with Munchausen-by-proxy narcissism.
And giving kids irreversible drugs and hormones to stop their normal physical development (while also sterilizing them and causing a raft of pernicious and often life-long side effects) cannot in a sane society be called “care.”
Not to mention the horrific, Frankensteinian surgeries. To castrate a young male and then surgically flay his penis in an attempt to use it to create a non-functional pseudo vagina is NOT “medical care that they deserve.” In fact, that is not medical care that ANYONE deserves.
Oh, wait. I forgot about serial rapists. Castration and penis flaying sounds about right for those predators.
So I stand corrected.
The Zephyr story has an extra layer of confusion. Because “Zoey” is a guy who poses as a girl, and has a “girlfriend” named Erin Reed, who is also a guy posing as a girl. (I know what you’re thinking: bricklayer? Heavy equipment operator? Nope: Erin is a journalist/activist/content creator. What are the odds?)
So they are either two gay guys with autogynephilia in a gay relationship, or two biological males in a… I guess… lesbian relationship, somehow?
(I miss Archie Bunker: “And you knew who you were then/ Goils were goils and men were men.”)
And not to get off track, but in addition to all of the other insanity associated with radical transgender activists, why do they always have to pick such bizarre new names for themselves?
“Zooey Zephyr?”
If you ever start reading a column of mine in which I proclaim that I no longer want to be referred to as a humble Roving Correspondent, or a hilarious genius, or even Marticus – all of which are totally normal, and pleasing to the ear as well – and then ask you to address me as Zippity Bop Delecto, you should stop what you’re doing immediately.
And then begin what I hope would be a nationwide prayer and email chain in the hopes of confirming that I have not flayed my magnificent genitalia, and am not looking for a gig pushing Bud Light or a prime-time slot at CNN.
Okay, maybe “magnificent” is a bit over the top.
Or is it?
Perhaps I’ve said too much.
And just when you think that nothing can top the incomprehensibility of our subcultural sexual confusion, yet another major institution takes the lead in the competition for “most idiotic inability to understand your own core purpose.”
First Bud Light went full tranny. Then Fox News fired their best and most popular host in Tucker Carlson. (He was a ratings juggernaut! As opposed to Don Lemon. Who was a ratings naught.)
But not since the NFL started dressing their players in pink and prattling on about breast cancer and America’s rottenness has another institution that relies on recruiting males you think of as toxic gone as stupid as the example I’m about to bring up.
And by the way, yes, the 15-year-old push to “woke up” pro football still sticks in my craw!
If I can speak for the mostly male fan base of the NFL – and I think that I can – we were raised to stand up and put a hand over our hearts when the anthem is played. I know that that makes us hicks and rubes in your eyes. Yet somehow we can still sleep at night.
And you don’t have to coach us up to appreciate breasts, you idiots. We’re already big fans!
Also, let me save you some money before you can come up with any future campaigns to lecture us about the virtues of apple pie, pick-up trucks. or the rear ends of women. We’re way ahead of you!
We’re also perfectly comfortable with taking the controversial “anti-“ position when it comes to both cancer and racism.
But we’re never going to hate our country or believe that it’s anywhere near as racist as the white leftists on Martha’s Vineyard or the members of the Congressional black caucus are. So stop trying to “educate” us and focus on God’s favorite game, dammit!
Where was I?
Oh yeah. Stupid marketing campaigns.
I give you: the drag queen Navy recruiter!
I know. That sounds like a 1970s set-up for a joke lobbed to Charles Nelson Reilly or Paul Lynde on Match Game.
But it’s 2023, and what once was satire is now reality.
The oddball in question is an actual sailor who goes by the drag name “Harpy Daniels.” He seems to not be a gender dysmorphic person, but just a gay guy who likes to dress up like a woman and sail around the world’s oceans for months at a time in close proximity to hundreds of young, physically fit men.
What could go wrong?
Can anyone remember way back to when the purpose of the military was to kill people and break things?
If I can engage my Sam Kinison filter for just a moment…
[begin Kinison] “You know what kind of things we traditionally sent our military to break? Al Qaeda ammo dumps. Battered Toyotas full of ISIS freaks carrying AK-47s. Jihadi jaws, femurs and spirits.
NOT FAKE FINGERNAILS AND HIGH HEELS!! OH! OHHHHH!!!!” [end Kinison]
The story covering this mind-numbingly stupid recruitment plan notes that, “Despite their efforts, Navy officials [are] projected to miss their goal for enlisted sailors by 8,000 recruits.”
The hell you say!
I think the bad-ass Navy Seal who shot smelly goat-ravager and terrorist Osama Bin Laden said it best in his tweet on this abomination: “Alright. The U.S. Navy is now using an enlisted sailor Drag Queen as a recruiter. I’m done. China is going to destroy us. YOU GOT THIS NAVY. I can’t believe I fought for this bullsh**.”
Winston Churchill is said to have derisively described the traditions of the Royal Navy as “Rum, sodomy and the lash.”
So I guess the US Navy has their new recruiting slogan for 2023:
“Hold the rum.”
Not to be confused with the conservative slogan for 2024:
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Zippity Zappity Zephyr, 2024!
Martin Simpson 