Listen, I’d love to start your Monday out on a high note.
I’d love to tell you that the banks aren’t failing, and millions of illegals aren’t crouched down in sprinters’ blocks waiting to bum-rush the border on Thursday, and Tucker’s back on the air.
And that I’ve mastered the guitar after three weeks’ practice and will be going on a 10-city tour with CO in June, and that we are now taking applications for extra roadies, most of whom will be needed to deal with the veritable clouds of female undergarments we expect to be tossed onstage during our performances.
But I can’t tell you that.
Because the banks are dropping like Kennedys at an open bar, and the illegals are chomping at the bit like so many biological males in a NCAA women’s track event. And I still suck at the guitar.
So the best I can do is offer two moments of levity before facing our country’s currently alarming situation.
First, a dumb joke you may have heard before:
Q: What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound waiting room and a lobster with breast implants?
A: One’s a crusty bus station, and the other’s a busty crustacean.
Second, a dumb politician, whom you’ve definitely heard too much of:
Last week, a reporter asked Mayor Pete if he hopes to serve another term as secretary of transportation. (That’s already a joke, although no one is laughing.)
His answer, which I swear I am not making up: “Right now, I’ve got my head down, seeking to deliver.”
If you’ve ever watched the great cartoon Archer, this is where we say, “Phrasing!”
All right. To paraphrase John Fetterman at the beginning of a debate, “That’s all the good news I’ve got. Goodnight everybody!”
On to two red-flag cultural items ripped from the headlines.
First, the outrageous story of a death on the subway, and the horde of nihilistic fools who can neither see nor tell the truth about the hellscape that they’re helping turn NYC (and Chicago, and LA, and San Francisco, and Baltimore…) into.
To hear them tell it, a saintly African-American named Jordan Neely – who would have been an honor student and currently on the verge of discovering a cure for cancer if Amerika’s evil racism hadn’t blighted his life – was minding his own business on the subway, when an evil white guy strangled him to death.
As you already know, unless you just awakened from a 30-year coma three minutes ago and then started reading this column, this leftist tale was a ridiculous attempt to whitewash the perp’s background and actions.
How white was that wash, you may be asking? As white as Elizabeth Warren, if you can believe that. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
(Several faithful readers recently pointed out that I hadn’t mocked the Land o’ Lakes Butter Maiden (D- Massachusetts) in several consecutive columns. So mea culpa.)
In reality, Neely was a tragically common figure in our large, Democrat-run cities lately: a recidivist who was alternatively severely mentally ill, an addict, a career criminal, or some combination of the three. At age 30 he’d already racked up 42 arrests.
His resume included at least 4 other violent offenses, one against an elderly woman that left her with a broken orbital socket among other injuries. In fact, he had an open warrant for a violent assault when he got on the subway and acted exactly like someone who has an open warrant for his arrest.
“But wait, Martin,” you are not asking, because you know better, “I thought he was only minding his business when he was unjustifiably strangled?”
Nope. He was threatening other riders, hollering semi-coherently, and generally carrying on like an aggressive and unstable man.
And the guy who “strangled” him? He’s a Marine who chose to try to subdue the guy, rather than stand by and watch him assault or harm anyone else in the train car. And he didn’t use the amount of force that he could have, considering his training.
He didn’t drill the guy with punches to especially vulnerable places, or try to smash his trachea with an elbow strike, or use any of the other brutal tactics that a soft English professor like me knows nothing about.
He put the guy in a submission chokehold, and when Neely resisted, several other riders – black, as it happened – got on top of him until he passed out.
So naturally, when the Marine’s justified actions unintentionally resulted in the violent criminal’s death, the worst people in New York showed up to protest and lie and race-bait. They screamed at and assaulted cops so blatantly that even in benighted NYC, a handful of them were arrested… at least temporarily.
To prevent commuters from getting somewhere to do something productive, some of the protestors jumped down on the train tracks to disrupt subway traffic.
Tragically, none of them were either electrocuted or smashed by a train like Neely’s old-lady victim’s orbital socket.
And before we can be tempted to dismiss the mob’s despicable reactions as the behavior of a stupid and malicious underclass of insignificant d-bags, into the fray marched the (clotted) cream of the (rancid) crop of NY’s finest leftist politicians.
NY Governor (and semi-professional Wicked Witch of the West impersonator) Kathy Hochul mewled about how “horrific” it was to watch a video of Neely “being killed for being a passenger” on the subway.
AOC, proving that none of us can tell the difference between her juicy booty – her words, not mine – and the hole in her head, called the Marine a “murderer” and accusing him of “lynching” Neely.
I guess I can just cut and paste Shakespeare’s line from the Tempest into every column I write from now on: “Hell is empty, and all of the devils are here.”
The plight of the remaining good people in any of the big blue cities is truly tragic. That Marine tried to do the right thing, as did the other riders who helped him subdue Neely, and the still others who thanked and congratulated him on video afterwards.
In any sane city, he would have received the thanks of civic leaders, and would not have to pay for a drink in any city bars. But in a Democrat Schiff-hole, he now has to hire a lawyer and bankrupt himself with legal fees, and hope that he’s not convicted and jailed for his bravery and protection of others.
It’s heartbreaking to have to say this, but the good people of New York should leave as soon as they can. The evil scumbags who run that town – and the evil scumbags who vote for them – have put good New Yorkers in a no-win situation.
They’ve purposely ensured that vicious criminals and the severely mentally ill remain on the streets and in the subways. When one of them confronts you – and they eventually and repeatedly will – you have to choose between passively placing your life in their demented hands, or else trying to resist them, and ending up either injured, dead or in jail.
Get out now!
Not only will you be able to survive and thrive outside of that Hobbesian dystopia, but by removing yourself, you’ll ensure that the NEXT victims of the criminal predators will be Hochul, AOC, Pritzker and the whole rotten bunch of leftist predator-enablers who put them in power.
And then they’ll get exactly what they asked for… good and hard.
Finally, turning from the tragic to the pathetic, I am compelled to address Que Mala’s latest public performance. You’ve probably seen this by now, but if you haven’t, you missed a classic that is destined to end up there with her deathless “the significance of the passage of time” ramble.
(In fact, I think that there may be something about the concept of time that triggers whatever sub-set of Tourrette’s that she has, because this one also involved her deep thoughts about time.)
To say that she spewed out some more word salad is to not do her justice.
She went to the word salad bar and filled up her plate, and then went back for seconds!
She was talking to an audience at the historically black school Howard University. (Which really should make her performance a racial hate crime.)
Her speech was nominally about how great abortion is, and how terrible the GOP is, and how much she loves the LGBTQ movement. (Not “Let’s Get Biden To Quit.” The other one.) (The one in which the big hulking dudes are competing against women in sports, and giving them concussions by slapping them forcefully with their totally female phalli. And then giving interviews with their totally female voices that somehow sound like James Earl Jones.)
But when Que Mala speaks, the alleged subject matter is never the issue. It’s the words. Oh, the words!
Saith VP Muy Malo: “So I think it’s very important, as you have heard from so many incredible leaders for us at every moment in time and certainly this one, to see the moment in time in which we exist and are present, and to be able to contextualize it, to understand where we exist in the history and in the moment as it relates not only to the past but the future.”
Yikes. And also, what?
This is her worst outing since last month, when she gave a speech during women’s history month, and said that she was thrilled to honor “women who made history throughout history.” Did they do it with a high degree of historicity, you’re wondering, if you’re the snarky sort?
She’ll have you know that women are a historically under-represented group of history-making historical figures, whose actions shaped the very fabric and contours of history. And probably time, too.
Well, at least she didn’t say “her-story,” another leftist figure of speech which makes me shudder just to type or say it.
It could have been worse, I guess. Because Que Mala could have pulled out a white board and drawn a Venn diagram to illustrate her point: “The circle on the left side represents the past, and the circle on the right side represents the future. And the overlapping section, right here in the middle?”
“That’s THIS exact moment in time, which I’ve been contextualizing for you right now, here, in this moment in which we all exist. A ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA!”
That’s the woman who is a heartbeat away – one feeble, arrhythmic, and barely detectible heartbeat away – from being the president of the United States.
Saint John said it first, and the rest of us have said it a million times since: Jesus wept.
Also, when it comes to being a politician, she stinketh!
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Kathy “I’m melting! I’m melting!” Hochul, 2024!
2 thoughts on “Dems Attack Marine Who Protected People on the Subway & Que Mala Heads Back to the Word Salad Bar (posted 5/8/23)”
In my 72 years on this planet, I’ve not yet had the opportunity to correct an English professor, but lo and behold the hour is upon me! The phase is “champing at the bit”. You’re welcome. Your writings are excellent!
I stand corrected, Jim. I think I remember hearing the correct version, but with the reference to the bit in a horse’s mouth, “chomping” is too tempting to avoid the mistake. Thanks for reading!