Whiny Hunger Strikers, & Hillary’s Play Bombs (posted 5/13/24)

By the time you read this, I will be flying to Massachusetts with my wife and youngest daughter, to spend the better part of a week sightseeing with my oldest and her husband, culminating in watching her receive her Masters in nursing at Amherst.  This will likely mean a cold and Simpson-less Friday (i.e. no column that day), but I trust that you all will soldier on.

In the meantime, there are too many things for me to talk about, so I’ll do the best I can.

First, I love me a good hunger strike.  In fact, I have been known to participate in a few of my own.  When I was ages three through about six, for example, I regularly conducted hunger strikes.

Most often on meatloaf night. 

I would begin by advancing my argument, which ran something like this: “C’mon, meatloaf again?  This has to violate the Geneva Conventions!  You can’t even tell me what kind of ‘meat’ this is.  It’s literally a loaf of undifferentiated meat!” (I had a precocious vocabulary at age 3.)

My dad would respond with tales about being born in the depression, and being offered rock soup with a dandelion salad, and all of it sprinkled with coal dust from the mines where grandpa worked 18 hours a day.  And all 8 Simpson kids were glad to have it, and would sometimes even fight over who could have a second bowl of rock soup. 

I would propose a compromise wherein I would give the dog my meatloaf, and I would have a bowl of Captain Crunch. 

Eventually, dad would arrive at his final offer.  “There are two choices for supper tonight: take it, or leave it.” 

Check and mate.

Fast forward to now, and students at Princeton are less mature than I was at 3. Thus the young hunger-striking woman who is now being roundly mocked for her dramatic reading – from text on her phone – of her complaint:

“This is absolutely unfair.  My peers and I, we are starving.” [Sweetheart, it’s a HUNGER strike.  Are you really complaining about being hungry during your self-imposed hunger strike?!]  “We are physically exhausted, I am quite literally shaking right now, as you can see.”

Have you ever seen video of the police interrogating a sociopath after a horrific crime?  The sociopath will often pretend to cry, looking down, covering her eyes, asking for a tissue, and using it to wipe away non-existent tears?

This was like that.  And you know how I also know that her supposed shaking wasn’t genuine?

Because SHE READ IT OFF A PRE-WRITTEN SCRIPT ON HER PHONE!  OH!  OHHHHHH!  (That’s right, I slipped a little Sam Kinison in on you.) 

The only way her bad acting could have been more transparent would be if she were to “pull a Biden,” i.e. inadvertently read her stage directions aloud: “I’m literally shaking, as you can see.  Shake now.  Pause.  Continue reading.”

Next, she actually said these lines: “We are both cold and hot at the same time.  We are all immuno-compromised.”

Yes, if by “immuno-compromised” you mean “riddled with STDs and a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder.”   

And “hot and cold at the same time?”  That’s not a thing.  I mean, if you’re kicking heroin cold turkey, you might have alternating chills and fever.  But not at the same time.  And not because you skipped a few meals.

By the way, did you see those “hunger strikers?”  Some of them would tip the scale in the gray area between Whoopi Goldberg and Lizzo, so I don’t think going on a diet of water and (I’m guessing) surreptitiously gobbled protein bars is going to be life-threatening for them.

The moral of the story?  When I was three, stomping off to bed without eating meatloaf never forced my parents to bring a big bag of Fritos and a bowl of chocolate ice cream to my room.   

And a bunch of crybully Ivy League brats pretending to dab at fake tears with their keffiyehs ($29.99 at Amazon, made in China) and faux-fainting is not going to result in the murder of all the Jews in Israel.  Sorry kids.   

Hilarious hunger striking aside, the weekend was full of widespread interruptions of graduations.   Some ceremonies were cancelled entirely; others were disrupted by stupid chanting and walk-outs.  Jerry Seinfeld was the graduation speaker at Duke, and that event was interrupted by a bunch of selfish jerks getting up and chanting and waving a “Palestinian” flag as they marched out.

Because I’m a cautious optimist, I can see two very silver linings on this pro-terrorist cloud:

1. The shenanigans are mostly affecting leftist colleges with leftist administrations in leftist-run towns, which means that the majority of the inconvenience and disruption is being suffered by those who tolerate and even support it.  So they can suck it, Trebek.

2. The antics of these morons – wrapping a George Washington statue in terrorist headgear, blocking traffic, burning American flags, violating various vandalism, harassment and trespassing laws – are infuriating to normal people.  They’re making more people hate them every day, and they’re creating a widening rift within the Democrat party. 

So keep it up, numbskulls!  If we can’t have you dispersed, chased and charred by a pack of flamethrower robot dogs – and tragically, we apparently cannot – the second-best outcome is for you to identify yourselves to the rest of us, and build a huge backlash against your political goals.

(By the way, I was hoping to put my new flamethrower in a checked bag for the trip to MA, but my killjoy wife nixed the idea.  So if some Hamas-lovers disrupt my daughter’s graduation and are allowed to escape burn-free, she’s going to hear a lot of, “I told you so” next weekend!)  

In other news, Hillary Clinton has produced a Broadway play called, “Suffs.”  It is nearly three hours long, and tells the story of the women’s suffrage movement a century ago.  It also features an “entirely female and non-binary cast,” including a gal who plays President Woodrow Wilson.

And it is bombing.

UNEXPECTEDLY! 

The show’s promotional material notes that “Suffs boldly explores the victories and failures of a struggle for equality that’s far from over.” 

Um, the suffrage movement was about getting women the right to vote.  They won that in 1920, which my abacus tells me is more than a century ago.  So no, the “struggle” is not “far from over.” 

Judging by the box office, neither is Suffs.  In fact, I’d guess that it’s very close to over.

By the way, as I was about to post this column, I saw an update on the Princeton hunger strike, which I swear I am not making up.

The day after the “literally shaking” gal gave her brave speech from the edge of the grave, the original 13 hunger strikers ended their strike.  Because they were very hungry.  Unexpectedly!

But never fear, because as their nightmarish bout of peckishness ended (just in time!) seven new strikers took up the cause.  Or, as their press statement describes it, “In the tradition of rotary hunger strikes, 7 new strikers are indefinitely fasting for a free Palestine.” 

Is that not brilliant?  A “rotary hunger strike!”  It’s like hunger striking, but then when your stomach starts growling, you pass the baton to another Jew hater who is willing to skip brunch. 

Only instead of a baton, it’s a footlong sub sandwich.  Which you then mow through like a woodchipper, because you haven’t eaten in several hours. 

Which gives me an idea.  I propose that all of us in CO nation begin a rotary hunger strike, and we keep it up until all of our demands are met.  Or at least our first three demands: 

1. All student pro-Hamas protestors be arrested and expelled.

2. All non-student pro-Hamas protestors be arrested and deported to Gaza, even if they are American citizens.

3. The $80 billion appropriated to hire more IRS agents be redirected to the manufacture and purchase of a giant army of flamethrower robot dogs, half of which are to be immediately sent to American college campuses, and the other half to the southern border.

If we all sign up to skip just one meal, we can keep this rotary hunger strike going on definitely!  Who’s with me?

I’ll go first.  I hereby volunteer to skip supper on Meatloaf Mondays.

Hamas delenda est!