I’ve got a hodge podge of stories for you this Monday, starting with the results from Friday’s semi-final round of the April Moron of the Month competition. This vote was the closest so far, with Chris Van Halen edging out the broke baristas and Grandma Squanto to move on from the southern division.
So the competition has come down to four finalists, in reverse chronological order:
Chris Van Hollen in his role as a dim-witted Juliet with a school-girl crush on brooding, gang-banging wife-beater Kilmar “Romeo” Garcia
Michelle Obama for her performance as a narcissist, and also a bitter, angry, black woman upset by the stereotype of black women as angry and bitter
Elie Mystal, a racist, public “intellectual” who apparently thinks the constitution was written after 1965, and
Jasmine “Lashes” Crockett, another thick-as-a-whale-omelette racist who thought she was taking the moral high ground by arguing that we should allow illegals to stay here because… wait for it… we need them to be our slaves!
If you need to refresh your memory on the finalists, you can see their nominating write-ups in four of my April columns, available at Martinsimpsonwriting.com. Get your votes in this week, and I’ll announce the winner on Friday.
Among the many worthy contestants I could have written about as April MOM contestants was former VP candidate Tim Walz, who recently gave a speech at Harvard (because of course he did) that touched on why Que Mala chose him as her VP pick.
You’ve all heard his explanation: “I could code talk to white guys watching football, fixing their truck, doing that, that I could put them at ease. I was the permission structure to say, ‘Look, you can… vote for this.”
Or maybe we can’t.
I don’t claim to be King of the White Guys with pickup trucks who like football – though I am a member of the Ruling Council – but phony phrases like “code talking” are just the kind of idiotic language that we laugh at during our Council meetings.
The word “code” implies some mysterious language, shared by a small in-group that is opaque to the larger world. It calls to mind secret writing in invisible ink, Enigma machines, or Navajo code-talkers who outfoxed our enemies in WWII by using their obscure dialect that no outsiders could understand.
But men are almost half of the population, and we’re not particularly mysterious. A thousand hack comics have done a thousand cliched bits about the limited set of interests – in addition to the aforementioned football and pickup trucks – that most men have: ancient Rome, World War II, action movies, women with a .7 waist-to-hip ratio and who like men, and 2-3 items from the following list: fishing, hunting, MMA, booze, cigars, and guns.
Even when it comes to politics, we’re pretty predictable. Give us lower taxes, law and order, free speech, merit-based rules, men kept out of women’s sports and spaces, and the right to shoot criminals who try to victimize us, and we’re good.
Did you notice some of the stuff NOT on that list?
Jazz hands, crazy wives, tampons in men’s bathrooms, struggling to load a shotgun as if you’d never seen a shotgun before, and abandoning your National Guard unit right before you’re supposed to deploy with them to a war zone.
Oh, and you know what NO pick-up driving, football-watching white guy would EVER seek from a theatre-kid, Temu Midwestern guy weirdo in a million years?
“Permission” to vote the way we want to.
Which leaves only one thing we agree with Tim Walz about: he’s a knucklehead.
From Greece comes a new entry in the “Stupid Criminals” category:
I have not kept up on a lot of current events in Greece, but apparently they’ve got a problem with crime, just like everywhere else. Some of that problem comes from radical leftist groups who think that using violence to achieve their political ends is justified.
Unexpectedly!
One such group calling itself Revolutionary Class Struggle – I hereby subtract 10 points for lack of originality – has recently decided to start bombing public buildings such as train stations. One of their suspected members, a 38-year-old woman with a criminal record, carried out another bombing last Saturday morning.
Her target was a bank building’s ATM. She was apparently a firm believer in the old Greek saying, “Αν θέλετε κάτι να γίνει σωστά, κάντε το μόνοι σας.” (“If you want something done right, do it yourself.”)
Because she took the bomb to the bank herself. Unfortunately for her, just when she got to the site, she experienced the heartbreak of premature detonation. She was carrying the bomb in her hands when it went off, and was so badly wounded that she was rushed to a nearby ancient amphitheater, where she died dramatically on stage.
Just kidding. She was taken to a hospital and died there.
No security video from the ATM has been released, but I’m guessing it sounded something like this:
“iii laos, enomenos, den mporei pote na ittithei – mpoum!”
Translation: “The people, united, can never be defeat—Boom!”
Followed by: “och! ta car mou! metaniono amesos gia tis apophases mou!”
Translation: “Ouch! My hands! I immediately regret my decisions!”
You may be wondering, “Martin, do you think your old Greek professor would be proud of you using English-to-Greek translation software to make fun of a leftist Greek terrorist getting blown up by her own bomb, instead of translating Aristotle, or the New Testament?”
Fine. You got me. I’m a complicated man, and though I love Greek philosophy and the New Testament, I’m also not above enjoying a little Three-Stooges-style illustration of the “you reap what you sow” verses.
Especially when it comes at the expense of a would-be terrorist who apparently knew as little about bombs as Tim Walz knows about shotguns.
And just like the citizens of California, and New York, and Illinois, and other blue states and cities all over the world, that Greek gal learned a valuable, universal lesson: leftist plans tend to blow up in your face!
Okay, that’s it for my Monday column.
Over the next several days, I’m going to post a few columns that are unusual for me. I’ve been corresponding with several lefty friends, and one of them challenged me on the question of rule of law, and what I think of Trump’s defying SCOTUS in getting Kilmar back from El Salvador. I gave him my thoughts, but also pointed out the many ways that Biden (and Obama) have defied the rule of law and the courts.
I then got to thinking about the nature of SCOTUS, and the ways in which its past and recent actions could potentially lead to an actual “constitutional crisis” – unlike the faux ones that the left imagines every time Trump does something they don’t like.
The result is several columns’ worth of my more-sober-than-usual thoughts on the courts. I’ll be interested in seeing what many in CO nation think of those, and especially what any lawyers here may add, in terms of corrections and explanations…
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 
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