Stories of the Season! (posted 12/18/17)

Because it’s my favorite time of the year, I thought I’d discuss a few Christmas-related stories.

Everyone has either already made their Christmas list, or is working on it.  My older daughter wants a newer used car than the one she has now, my 15 year old wants some sort of electronic gadget that does something I don’t understand, I would like a few decent draft picks for the Bears, my wife wants nothing because she is already married to me and is thus blissfully happy 24/7.

And Buzz Feed UK science editor Kelly Oakes wants a godless dictatorship that oppresses, impoverishes and murders its citizens.

Oh, she didn’t phrase it that way – what she tweeted was, “All I want for Christmas is full communism now.” But “tomato,” “to-mah-toe.”

I can only hope that her Christmas wish comes true for her.

On Christmas morning, she’ll wake up and run down the stairs to find two thugs with unibrows and heavy coats standing in her doorway.  They’ll take all of her possessions and strip her naked and throw her onto a cattle car that takes her to Siberia, where she’ll work for about 10 minutes trying to turn a big rock into a little one before she expires from a combination of hypothermia and the soul-crushing realization that she brought her misery on herself by being such a blind, naïve leftist stooge.

Merry Christmas, Kelly!

And, scene.


In other peace-on-earth-related news, have you heard about what happened to the Miss Iraq contestant at the Miss Universe International Beauty Pageant?   (And yes, that is a thing.  And yes, there is a Miss Iraq.  And no, she does not have a Saddam-esque mustache, you xenophobic jokesters.)

Well, she took a picture with Miss Israel, and put it on Instagram, captioned, “Peace and love from Miss Iraq and Miss Israel.”   (By the way, Google that picture.  If you say that your religion requires that either of those young women should be forced to wear beekeeper outfits whenever they go outdoors, I am going to violate CO’s rules about no profanity on this site.)

When the citizens of Iraq saw that photo, they said, “What a sweet sentiment.  We love to see Miss Iraq and Miss Israel getting along so well together.  We can learn a lot from them.”

And they all lived happily ever after.  The end.

HA!  That is not what happened at all.  In fact, here’s what happened, according to a story posted on MSN (I know, but still):  “Miss Iraq, Sarah Idan, and her family had to flee their homeland after receiving death threats over a photo she posted online last month.”

I know, pick your jaw up off the floor.  You’re probably thinking, “Maybe the photo she posted was of her being baptized in a Christian church.  Or of her wearing an “Islam Sucks” t-shirt.  Or of her chowing down on a big pork sandwich.”

Nope.  It was the “peace and love” pic that caused her co-religionists to get their chadors in a bunch.

Her hot Israeli friend in the picture explained that in Miss Iraq’s home country, “people made threats against her and her family that if she didn’t return home and take down the photos, they would remove her title, that they would kill her.”

So remember this when you gather around your Christmas tree or Hannukah bush or festivus pole: we can never judge, and no culture is better than any other.


Speaking of multi-culti boneheads who hate our culture: the Huffington Post has put out a little meditation on the beloved Christmas tv classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Now if everyone were like me – and oh, what a paradise this earth would be if they were – everyone would have fond memories of growing up watching Rudolph.  The avuncular snowman voice by Burl Ives, the primitive animation that was state of the art animation before these spoiled kids today ruined everything with their 4-D surround sound and sex robots.  The Charlie in the Box.  Yukon Cornelius.  (Which was going to be my nom de guerre if I could ever uncover some scandalous info about Hillary and surreptitiously release it to Wikileaks.)

But never fear.  Because the leftist brainiacs at Huffington Post have volunteered their valuable time to defecate on your fond childhood memories by educating us on what a horrible racist/sexist/bigoted/homophobic piece of garbage Rudolph is.

I’m not kidding.  Here is a small sampling of the leftist commentary on Rudolph:  “Yearly reminder that Rudolph is a parable on racism and homophobia with Santa as a bigoted, exploitative p**ck,” and “Santa’s operation is an HR nightmare and in serious need of diversity and inclusion training.” They point out that Rudolph’s coach and his dad and Clarice’s dad all berate him for the schnozz that makes him different, and that the misfit toys suffer ostracism, and that the lead elf tries to force the would-be dentist elf to conform to the career expectations of toy-making.

Ugh.  Try to imagine living in the head of the type of person who spends his or her time parsing every good thing in our culture for signs of nefarious motives.  Not to mention that these knuckleheads get everything wrong!  Yes, the other reindeer bully Rudolph, and the misfit toys feel bad … until the climax of the program, when the tables turn, and everyone comes to appreciate Rudolph for his nasal diversity, and the nerdy dentist pulls the Bumble’s teeth and saves the day, and even the Bumble becomes a lovable, kind-hearted, ennobled quasi-polar bear!  Have these people never watched the program all the way through?

I enjoyed Rudolph as a child, and it continues to speak to me today.   For example, in one scene, the exasperated lead elf tells the would-be dentist elf, “Now you come to elf practice and learn how to wiggle your ears and chuckle warmly and go hee-hee and ho-ho and important stuff like that!”

Before you judge the “Doctorate in Elf Studies” career path harshly, consider how many American kids graduate every year with degrees in ethnic studies and gay studies and women’s studies and post-colonial America-is-the-root-of-all-evil studies and journalism.  Then consider all of those youngsters coming into your office on job interviews, touting their special skills: “I can translate rap lyrics into English and prove that the biggest danger to young black males is police officers.”  “I can detect microaggressions at a distance of 100 paces.”  “I can demonstrate how reading Shakespeare  turns you into a patriarchal oppressor, if you ever read him.  Which you shouldn’t, because he’s a dead white male.”

After about 10 minutes of that, I’d be sticking my head into the outer office and calling out, “Can anyone here wiggle your ears and chuckle warmly?” and I’d hire the first person who can do it.

On the other hand, I suspect that a few of the HuffPo commenters might be conservative trolls, because they slyly display that which no lefty on these sites ever has: a sense of humor.  The piece is called “Rudolph the Marginalized Reindeer,” which is pretty funny.  In fact, it inspired me to go onto the HuffPo message board and post some other brilliant leftist interpretations of Christmas classics.

I addition to “The Grinch Who Stole Kwanzaa,” — which many of you COers may remember from my column earlier this year in response to the bonehead leftist librarian who argued that Dr. Suess books are racist — I offered these:

I’m Dreaming of a White Supremacist Christmas

Miracle on MLK Drive

It’s a Terrible, Oppressive Life

Frosty the White Devil

The Nut-Cracker Suite (with Hillary playing the lead, in her first post-election gig)

And finally, a re-vamped and de-Christianized Christmas Carol, wherein the three ghosts are played by Marx, Lenin and Saul Alinsky, with Bernie Sanders as a Scrooge who doesn’t reform, but instead keeps his fortune, and arranges for all of the poor characters to move into the work houses and prisons, where they can be cared for by the compassionate central government.  Kevin Spacey (with his limp from The Usual Suspects) co-stars as a handi-capable Tiny Tim who teaches us all a heart-warming lesson about the evils of body-shaming.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

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