Best of September (posted 10/12/18)

Before the recent Kavanaugh-related unpleasantness – and the more recent Kavanaugh-related celebration (Oh Happy Day!), I had started writing a “best-of-September” column.  So now – even though it seems like news as old as the credible accusations that Ruth Bader Ginsburg sexually harassed a young and vulnerable Hammurabi – here is my list of the highs and lows of September.

1.Trump closed the PLO office in DC.  Good!  Of course, the usual suspects quickly pulled their kaffiyehs up over their head in horror… Wait.  A kaffiyeh is supposed to be worn on the head, isn’t it?  Well, you know what I mean.  The usual terrorist-enablers lost their Pelosi, and made the usual arguments.

Husam Zumlot (and if the Japanese are not currently working on a new electric car called the “Zumlot,” they are missing a prime marketing opportunity) called the closing “reckless.”  I mean, not as reckless as strapping bombs to dimwitted teenagers and sending them into pizza restaurants in Israel to murder the lunchtime crowd.  But sure.  Reckless.

Saeb Erekat (and I’m going to avoid the obvious “Erekat Stevens” joke, because he changed his name to Yusuf Islam, and there’s nothing funny about that) said that this is just more evidence that the Trump administration wants to “punish the Palestinian people.”  Yes.  Like when the PLO routinely fires missiles into Israel from the roofs of schools and hospitals, so that any return strikes will kill civilians.  That kind of punishment.

One of the best foreign policy decisions the Trump WH has made is to drop the offensive pretense of moral equivalence between Israel and the PLO.  We moved our embassy to Jerusalem and acknowledged that it is the capital of Israel, and we stopped a $251 million “aid payment” that was supposed to go to the Palestinian people but would have disappeared into the PLO bank accounts.

Plus, American hero John “the Nuclear Walrus” Bolton (hat tip to Dennis Miller) gave an amazing speech on the subject of the deeply corrupt International Criminal Court. “We will not cooperate with the ICC. We will provide no assistance to the ICC. And we certainly will not join the ICC.  We will let the ICC die on its own. After all, for all intents and purposes, the ICC is already dead to us.”

If John Kerry had even tried to pack that much moral clarity into a speech to the UN, the top of his elongated, horse-like head would have blown off.

And if that wasn’t great enough, Bolton completed his Michael Corleone impression by noting that the US would “take note” of any countries who cooperate with the ICC.

In other words, “You broke my heart, Fredo Erekat.  And now you’re dead to me.  Please put on this fishing cap, and one of my assistants will take you out on the Hudson River in a bass boat with an outboard motor on the back.  He’ll be sitting behind you.”


2. The best headline – and odds are, the only true one – to appear in the Washington Post in September was this: “Woman who wrote about how to murder your husband charged with murdering her husband.”

I don’t have any extensive commentary on this one, other than to point out Rule #1 in the How to Get Away with Crime handbook: Don’t write a how-to guide on committing a crime before you commit it.

That’s why you’ll never see my blog post entitled, “How to Travel from Florida to NYC and Punch Chuck Schumer in his Big, Fat, Lying Mouth.”  Because I’m too clever for that.


3. Chelsea Clinton gave a mid-September interview in which said that, “as a deeply religious person, [restricting abortion is] also un-Christian to me.”

I am normally loath to criticize Chelsea Clinton, because she had a horrible childhood at the hands of absolutely terrible parents. But she’s in her 30s now, and she’s lecturing us about how Christ would be super-pumped about infanticide.

She’s probably thinking about the passage where He says, “Suffer the little children to come unto me… so that I can end their lives and sell their body parts, and thereby afford to buy a Lamborghini.”

I never trust those modern translations.

You know what else I never trust?  Spiritual advice from a Clinton.


4. In other news, the transparently biased MSM kept it up with the transparent bias during September. I would quote some specific stories, but do I really need to?

Instead, try this experiment.  I’m going to list 3 headlines, and I guarantee that you will find at least one story on each of these themes on the biggest MSM websites within the next 24 hours:

  1. Trump: Our experts debate whether he’s more like Hitler or Satan.
  2. The unprecedented economic boom going on right now: Our experts debate whether there is nothing to report here, or whether Obama should get the credit.
  3. Colin Kaepernick: Our experts debate whether he’s more like a cross between Dan Marino and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., or more like a cross between Joe Montana and Jesus, if Jesus had been a little better at reading zone defenses.


5. The revealing internal Google video that somehow got leaked.  If you haven’t seen that video, please… um… Google it, I guess?  On second thought, I’m sure that you can’t get it by Googling it.  (Because Google is the opposite of transparent.)

It was an in-house video feed to the company’s employees, taped the morning after the Cankle-pocalypse of November 2016, when Hillary was prevented from beginning her Reign of Insufferability with what surely would have been the worst acceptance speech ever cackled.  (“Two score and a handful of years ago, CAW CAW, my reprehensible horndog husband assaulted his first campaign aide.  As I bullied that poor girl into silence CAW CAW CAW, I knew that she – and all of the dozens of bimbos whom I would have to slander in the future – CAW CAW – would not have suffered in vain, if by their destruction they would have paved my way – CAW – to the highest office in the land!”)

So all of these high-ranking Google people are on camera, commiserating in the most clueless way about how their world has fallen apart. The COO is some woman who can literally barely keep from weeping, and talks about how she and her friends were crying as the election returns came in.  Which gave me two thoughts:

First, does this mentally fragile woman realize that half of her customers disagree with her about politics, and therefore it might be a smarter business plan to at least try to hide your hatred of them?

Second, as I’ve reported in other columns, it seems like when the left doesn’t get its way, it resorts to one of two childish behavior patterns: throwing feces, or bawling like a baby.  Now that’s always good entertainment to view from a distance — or, if you happen to have a slicker, some hip-waders and a fecal-proof helmet and googles – in a live setting.

I’m considering buying one share of Google stock, just so I can attend the next shareholder meeting.  When the time comes for Q&A, I’m going to stand up and say, “Can you tell us what our company is doing to help President Trump in his attempt to Make America Great Again?”

And then I’ll step back, snap my Def-e-CAN’T Anti-fecal Goggles™ (now with “Fec-be-gone” Democrat-resistant lense coating ™) into place, and watch the festivities.


6.  On September 17th, Michael Moore was inexplicably being interviewed at the release of his latest terrible agit-prop movie. (Spoiler alert: Conservatives are the bad guys, Michael Moore is the hero, and 8 people saw it. That kind of box office is not going to keep Mikey in comically over-sized turkey legs and industrial-sized barrels of gravy.) When asked what he’s thinking about 2020, he said, “I’m not thinking about 2020.  If we don’t fix this now, we may not get to 2020.”

If Michael Moore doesn’t make it to 2020, I think that’s going to have a lot more to do with furniture collapse, aspiration of a large chunk of ham while he’s sleeping, or the fact that his blood type is “pudding” than with machinations of the totalitarian Trump administration.


7. Finally, in the story that best exemplifies what’s wrong with kids these days, Serena Williams lost a tennis match to a smaller Japanese woman. And she stoically accepted her fate, and congratulated her opponent like a good sport, the end.

HA!  In fact she whined and moaned and broke her racket and broke the rules.  When the guy in the lifeguard chair docked her a point for that, she went more nuts.  She eventually lost a game because of her bad behavior.  I was never a fan of “bad boy” tennis players, but Serena made John McEnroe look like Pitt the Elder.

(Okay, I’m not even sure if Pitt the Elder was known for his calm demeanor.  But a buddy of mine bet me that I would not be able to work jokes mentioning ziggurats, fjord-billies and Pitt the Elder into consecutive columns.  So pay up, Darryll!)

But it wasn’t just that Serena threw a tantrum like a Democrat who was denied the chance to use the constitution as a diaper.  (I’m looking at you, Crazy Mazie.)  It’s the way she encapsulated every dysfunctional social trend as she threw that tantrum.

First, of course, was the bald-faced lying.  She was accused of getting signals from her coach, who was in the stands at her match.  So she yelled three times, “I didn’t get coaching.” (This was undercut later when her coach admitted that he had been giving her coaching.  Also by cameras, which showed him giving her coaching.)

When the umpire appeared unmoved, she took it up a notch, screaming, “You owe me an apology. I have never cheated in my life. I have a daughter and I stand for what is right for her and I’ve never cheated. You owe me an apology.”

Oh, so having a daughter automatically means that you never lie?  I guess that explains why Elizabeth Warren, once she gave birth to her twin daughters — Running Deer and Janet – did a 180 and immediately embraced her Episcopalian/Presbyterian roots.  #wemustneverstopmockingher

And what’s with demanding an apology?  Has that ever worked for anyone at their workplace?  Say the boss catches you slipping a 20 from the cash register into your pocket, or taking a pull off the bottle of whiskey that you keep in your desk drawer.

Did it ever occur to you that you could just say, “I was going to take this $20 bill home to check the serial numbers in case it’s a phony, and my sciatica is acting up, so I was using that bottle of Jack for medicinal purposes.  Now where’s my apology, Brian?”  (For this example, I’m assuming that your boss’ name is Brian.  Also, that he prefers not to be called by his first name.)

After some more back-and-forth, Little Miss Sunshine returned to her favorite theme:  “When are you going to give me my apology? You owe me an apology.  Say it, say you’re sorry. Then don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me. How dare you insinuate I was cheating? You stole a point from me. You’re a thief too.”

It’s “her apology,” don’t you get it?  He owes it to her.

When he then docked her a game penalty for verbally abusing him, she pulled the gender card: “Do you know how many men do things that are much worse than that? This is not fair.  There are a lot of men out here that have said a lot of things and because they are a man it doesn’t matter.”

Which would have made a lot more sense if it wasn’t 100% false.  And if by penalizing her, he had awarded the lost game to a male passerby, rather than giving it to Serena’s opponent.  Who, I have it on pretty good authority, is also a woman.

In the press conference afterward, Serena continued to prove that she is the most ironically named person since Nazi anti-semite Alfred Rosenberg.  (Seriously, he was a real guy.)   She said, “I’m here fighting for women’s rights and for women’s equality…. I just feel like the fact that I have to go through this is just an example for the next person … [who] wants to be a strong woman.”

Which gave me two thoughts:

  1. Just because you have the shoulders of a starting outside linebacker at Texas A&M doesn’t mean that you’re a strong woman.
  2. With that kind of delusional, narcissistic, victim mentality, she has got to be Hillary’s running mate in 2020. Their campaign slogan writes itself: “You Owe Us an Apology!”

Of course, the conservative slogan also writes itself:  “Trump/Pence vs. Clinton/Williams – Shock and Awe vs. Whine and CAW!”


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