So March is off to an iffy start. I just had a little visit with an oral surgeon who removed a cracked tooth. If I weren’t a stoic, Spartan type of guy – as some of you may know, my close friends often call me Martacus – I would guess that he used a mining drill, and possibly a few shaped charges. There was definitely smoke involved.
I’m going to end up getting an implant several months from now, and to that end, the dentist put in a cadaver bone graft. And yes, before you can ask, I checked with him beforehand to confirm that the cadaver involved was not from Egypt. Because I don’t want to suddenly find myself slurring my words, and wildly gesticulating with dessicated mummy hands, going all Nancy Pelosi.
At one point, the assistant warned me that the doc was going to be “manually raising the sinus floor” (which has to be one of the greatest euphemisms ever), and to that end, I would hear some – and I quote – “tapping.”
This was followed by some concussive hammering on my upper jaw with what I can only assume was a 24-ounce waffle-faced framing hammer. (I’ve done a lot of home renovations over the last 20 years, and I stand by that guess.)
I would like to take this opportunity to once again thank a benevolent God for inventing anesthetic. Because although I was bouncing around in the chair like Ted Kennedy’s date on the ride home, I didn’t feel a thing. Not until 3 hours later.
Anyway, long story short, I’m taking an assortment of antibiotics and some sweet pain meds. And I’ve always found that the best time to write about the actions of various leftist boneheads on the national scene is when I’m hopped up on goofballs. So here goes…
I’m sure you all really enjoyed the Oscars, and neither did I. Instead of watching the cavalcade of America-hating prima donnas, I checked out the Daily Wire podcast about it, on which Ben Shapiro summed it up best: gay black guy story beat out several regular black guy movies and several other regular gay person movies. And evil Cheney movie was nominated, but couldn’t win due to a shortage of disabled transgendered people of color in the cast.
My favorite part was that after the leftist witch-hunters drove off anyone willing to host, the anemic ratings actually went up about 9%. I just like the message that that sends to Jimmy “waah” Kimmel: after two years of you doing the hosting job, you were replaced by nobody. And nobody did a better job.
Terrible bartender and juvenile thinker AOC continues to amuse. She’s lost her patience with people always picking at tiny little details that she gets wrong – such as $93 trillion deficits, and the fact that you can’t build a railroad to Hawaii, and the fact that you can’t replace cars with a national system of thousands of miles of slip-and-slides, and that there’s not supposed to be any Murphy’s Oil Soap in a scotch and soda.
She finally snapped in an interview. Responding to skepticism about her Green New Deal, she threw down the gauntlet, demanding to know why no one else has come up with a plan to fix the world’s climate. Because I wasn’t there, no one said, “Because real scientists are debating nearly every aspect of the myriad factors that influence global temperatures, and what steps humans might be able to take to affect even a few of those factors. Also, a planet’s ecosystem is a little more complicated than a Long Island Iced Tea. Which, by the way, is not supposed to have lye and pepper in it, so please take this back.”
She worked herself up into a perfect, pre-teen snit, sneering that “no one else has even tried” to deal with the climate, and ending in a finger waving, “like”-infested rant: “So people are like, oh, it’s unrealistic. Oh, it’s vague. Oh, it doesn’t address this little minute thing. And I’m like, YOU try! You do it! Cause you’re not. You’re not. So until you do it, I’m the boss! How bout dat?”
You’ve got to see it and hear it to get the full inanity of it all. She’s like that “Cass me ousside, how bout dat?” girl from some daytime talk show. Only she has the ability to propose legislation, and deter multi-billion dollar companies from opening a branch in a blue state. (HA! Take that, Cuomo and Schumer! The illiterate and innumerate chickens are coming home to ROOST! (How bout dat?)
And the other fresh faces in the new Democratic congress aren’t faring much better. In particular, two new Muslim congresswomen Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib have stumbled from one anti-Semitic and anti-American gaffe after another, including mocking Mike Pence’s Christian faith, and altering a map to show the state of Israel replaced by Palestine.
If you throw in scandal-prone abuser Keith Ellison, the Democrats have gone 0-for-Islam so far.
But even considering all of this leftist smorgasbord of stupid, my two favorite lefty stories from last month came from lesser known Democrats.
First, Lamar, South Carolina mayor Darnell Byrd-McPherson, an African-American female (despite being named “Darnell”) has been on the lookout for MAGA-hat wearing deplorables committing hate crimes. On February 7th, this knucklehead announced in a press release that the racists had struck:
“The incident happened last night. Even though I drove my car today, I thought it was pollen. My husband and our neighbor noticed the cars looked like someone had spray painted on both our vehicles, which were parked in our front yard.
As an aside, during the 70s, crosses were burned in the yard of our home when my mother was involved with the civil rights movement. On this very same corner in this very same front yard!
Again, we are grateful the person or persons did not try to take our lives but the culprits will be identified and prosecuted.
Love conquers hate and my husband and I refuse to be intimidated by those who perpetrated this act of vandalism which I classify as an act of hatred. ”
Byrd-McPherson referenced how bills are being introduced to address hate crimes in the South Carolina General Assembly. She added hate crimes are on the rise in the state.
The incident remains under investigation.”
The give-away is in the first line: something that appeared to be pollen was found on her car. Naturally, she immediately thought about Klansmen (whom I must point out were Democrats) burning crosses on her yard. As one does. From there it’s only a hop, skip and a smear to people trying to kill her, and her not being intimidated, and by the way she’s introducing more hate crime legislation.
As it turned out – you guessed it – there was pollen on her car. In South Carolina. During pollination season.
But don’t give up, Darnell. How do you know that your property is NOT surrounded by racist trees and shrubs? Trying to kill you, or hold you down, or mess up your cars? Not to mention making you sneeze and wheeze?
In fact, only a few minutes of research revealed to me that in your region, you are surrounded by such suspicious trees as WHITE pines, WHITE firs, and WHITEbark pines. Not to mention the Torch Pine! I don’t think I need to remind you who was fond of carrying torches: Democrat klansmen!
And don’t get me started on lynchberry bushes or Jim Crow kudzu!
So look alive, mayor. I’m already hearing rumors that many white supremacist trees are colluding in a conspiracy – reports indicate that this will happen in October — to drop millions of leaves on the heads of unsuspecting minorities, possibly injuring them, and definitely clogging their gutters.
Not to be outdone by idiot leftist politicians, idiot leftist vandals also had their moment to shine in February. This story happened in North Carolina, where some unknown miscreants continued the recent trend of vandalizing statues of Civil War figures by trying to light a statue of Robert E. Lee on fire.
They encountered two problems. First, the statue is made of marble, which is not famous for being flammable. Fun fact: of all of the buildings that burned to the ground in the great Chicago Fire, roughly zero of them were made of marble. Which is why you may not have been taught in school about how Mrs. Leary’s cow was slipping and sliding around in her marble barn when the fire started.
Second, it turns out that the carved marble figure was not in fact Civil War general Robert E. Lee, but World War II Major General William C. Lee, who was known as the “Father of the US Airborne.”
To be fair to the vandals, both Lees are white males who identified as males, and to many idiots, we all look alike.
On the other hand, Robert E. Lee had a cool beard, and wore a Civil War era uniform, and is virtually always depicted on a horse. Whereas William C. Lee is clean shaven, wearing a WWII uniform (with a 20th century military hat, uniform and boots) and is not sitting on a horse.
Note for those who may have learned their history from blue-state, unionized public school teachers: the Civil War did NOT happen in the 20th century. Also, one of the main reasons for the Confederate defeat was NOT how ineffective their air force was. Finally, surprisingly few WW II airborne assaults were conducted by soldiers parachuting out of the back of airplanes on horseback.
Although it does make me smile to picture a squad of German soldiers in Normandy on June 6th, looking up in terror at a sky filled with airborne troops carrying six shooters, on the backs of descending horses with murder in their equine eyes.
“Mein Gott!” I pictured those Germans screaming, “a million American bad asses are descending on the back of a million Hillary Clintons. Beware the hooves and cankles! We surrender!”
Okay, I think that last paragraph can only mean one thing: it’s time for me to take more narcotics.