I come before you all today with an idea that you may find surprising. I had a chance to look at Beto O’Rourke’s policy menu on his website, and I was surprised to find several ideas that were not as lame as I’d expected. I’m not going to say that I can picture a Dem ever being my first choice in an election, but I think that if he does get the nod, I wouldn’t necessarily rule out voting for him, especially if Trump drifts to the left on the budget.
HA! Of course I’ve started the column with an April Fool’s joke.
Actually, I had intended to extend the charade for several paragraphs to see if I could catfish anyone. But even typing those few sentences made me throw up in my mouth, and April 1st is no holiday for that kind of behavior. (That would be St. Patrick’s Day.)
So let me start the column again:
Those who know me, know that I don’t throw around the word “hero” lightly. But Brad Aulf and Mary Rogers are real-life heroes, in the truest and noblest sense of the word.
Is that because they both generously hit my Tip Jar at Martinsimpsonwriting.com, you ask?
Yes. Yes it is.
They may be heroes for other reasons too. Because they are members of CO nation, we know that they are necessarily several standard deviations above the average person in terms of intelligence, discernment, and physical attractiveness, for example. They probably have other fine qualities too, as I would know if I knew them personally.
But all I know about them is that they read the CO site, they have a keen eye for razor-sharp sarcasm, and they hit the tip jar hard. So I salute you, Brad and Mary! In fact, your generosity has motivated me to write a first-ever three-opening column. So let’s get to opening #3:
April has begun, and you all know what that means: time to look back at March, and pummel a few lefties who almost escaped un-pummeled.
For example, how about that corrupt Chicago Smollett-enabler, Kim Foxx?
Regular readers of this site have already noticed the red flag about her: she demonstrates Simpson’s Law of Stupidly Spelled Names™ — i.e. those with irrationally spelled names usually have more than the usual character flaws (see also, “Jeh” Johnson and Brett “Fav-ruh”). Spelling the last name “Fox” with two “Xs” is only permissible if the so-named is either a stripper or has co-starred in a film with Stormy Daniels. Possibly on a double bill with the Kamala Harris-Willie Brown story. (Tagline: “The electorate has never been polled like THIS before!”)
Sadly, the second X in her name arises only because she is “eXecrable” at her job. First she announced in a press conference that prosecutors in Chicago regularly offered accused criminals the kind of deal that Jussie (have I mentioned Simpson’s Law of Stupidly Spelled Names™?) Smollett got.
Then she immediately texted her entire staff (in a message that someone immediately leaked), asking them to research any previous cases where someone as obviously guilty as Jussie was given a “get-out-of-MAGA-country-free” card.
Two of her staff members suffered PTSD from the request. It turns out that both of them had previously worked for Liz Warren’s campaign, and they had received an infamous, nearly identical text from Grandma Squanto: “Hey guys, I’ve made a career out of claiming to be American Indian, and now people are starting to ask questions. Can somebody hit Ancestry.com and see if you can dig up any Cherokee connections for me? If it helps, my great-grandfather Howard Worthington Warren used to have a wooden cigar store Indian in his entry hall. Also, I could use some crab-based recipes for a cookbook I’m working on. I’m going to call it “Pow Wow Chow!” What do you think? There’s no way that will make me look like a total idiot, will it?” (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
While not fruitlessly researching non-existent legal precedents, Kim Foxx’s staff also had to do damage control after another of her press conferences. They finally came out with a statement printed in crayon on a piece of notebook paper made into a paper airplane and thrown out a third-floor window: “When Ms. Foxx said that she had recused herself from the Smollett case, she meant that colloquially. ‘Colloquially’ is Latin for ‘opposite day’.”
“Also, when she said that she only sealed the records of the case accidentally? Funny story. She had the records all stacked and ready and slipped neatly into a big manila folder, so that she could hand them over to the press. But then she accidentally knocked over a bottle of super glue that was precariously perched on the end of her desk, and it fell on the envelope, and before anyone knew what had happened, the records were sealed.”
“Also, Jussie thought the two Nigerian muggers were white redneck Trump supporters because they were in white face, and a thick Nigerian accent sounds surprisingly like a conversation between extras on Dukes of Hazzard.”
Chicago mayoral candidate Toni Preckwinkle (whom I am not making up) had no comment on the Kim Foxx situation.
Then why did I bring her up? Because I could not resist her last name, which is one vowel change away from hilarity! Please, somebody introduce her to Anthony Weiner, because any children they have who could survive middle school would embody a huge Darwinian step forward in toughness!
Speaking of sexual impropriety, the story of Robert Kraft’s getting caught up in the post-Super Bowl massage parlor scandal has left me with mixed emotions.
As a Christian, and one prone to all the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to (thank you, dead white male Shakespeare!), I sympathize with him. As a football fan who is more than a little sick of Patriot Super Bowl victories, I’m a little less sympathetic.
My favorite moment in the scandal was reading the oddly formal legal account of his arrest, which included the description that at one point the masseuse (and if her last name has less than two Xs in it I am going to be sorely disappointed!) – and I quote – “manipulated his genitals.”
I love the English language! Reading that, I can’t help picture the masseuse – recognizing that Kraft’s genitals don’t feel very good about themselves – cleverly taking advantage. Before they knew what had happened, Kraft’s genitals had bought a time share, changed their long-distance carrier to Sprint, and joined the Church of Scientology.
Oh, the manipulation!
Ouch. I hope that after that little digression, Brad Aulf and Mary Rogers are not reconsidering their generous donations!
Moving on.
How about that Babs Streisand? In a March interview she opined on Michael Jackson’s child molestation victims: “You can say ‘molested,’ but those children, as you heard… they were thrilled to be there. They both married and they both have children, so it didn’t kill them.” She also shared some of her keen insights about MJ’s pedophilia: “His sexual needs were his sexual needs.”
When all morally sane people condemned her general horribleness, she showed herself to be the master of leftist PR pseudo-contrition. She rushed to “clarify” her comments – which, inconveniently for her, were already crystal clear – saying that “the words as printed do not reflect my true feelings.”
“As printed?!” Your words “as printed?”
Do you mean your words, exactly as they came out of your big, stupid mouth, and then were accurately transcribed? Don’t blame Gutenberg, you terrible crone!
After reading that interview, I found myself fantasizing that one of those grown victims will some day cross paths with Barbra. (By the way, do you notice the missing “a” in her name? More vindication for Simpson’s Law of Stupidly Spelled Names™!) And that he will land a crisp right jab right on that gigantic proboscis of hers.
And do you know what I’d say if asked my opinion of his actions? “His pugilistic needs were his pugilistic needs. It didn’t kill her, did it?”
Always remember that leftist celebrities are our moral betters, and we should be grateful when they lecture us on right and wrong.
Finally, I’d like to end this column on a lighter note. Like, for instance, how much I love Spain.
That statement may surprise those who know me. Until last week, my only encounter with anything Spanish was a painful stint in high school Spanish class, during which I learned a grand total of two sentences in Spanish: “Silencio, por favor, Martino.” And “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?”
I tried out the second of those sentences on a cute female classmate of mine, when my alleged best friend told me that that was how to ask, “Would you help me study Spanish?”
Her response was not what I hoped for: “Not if you were the last guy on earth! And you’re not as funny as you think you are. And that was French, not Spanish, you moron.”
So I’ve never been a huge Spain fan. But that changed last month, after Mexican socialist president Obrador called on the Spanish king to apologize for Spain’s 500-year-old conquest of Mexico.
By the way, how can you tell that the Mexican president is a socialist? First, have you seen the vibrant Mexican economy, humming with socialist productivity and efficiency? Second, instead of minding his own business, El Presidente spends his time pouting and demanding apologies for things that happened when Ruth Bader Ginsburg was in high school.
But the king of Spain is apparently not Barack Obama, Joe Biden or Beta O’Rourke. Because instead of apologizing and groveling, his government responded forcefully. First, they “firmly reject[ed] the request,” explaining that, “The arrival of Spaniards 500 years ago to present-day Mexican territory cannot be judged in light of contemporary considerations.”
Then they dropped the other pinata, saying that Spain is “obviously” not going to offer such an “extemporaneous apology…. Just like we are not going to ask the French Republic to apologize for what Napoleon’s soldiers did when they invaded Spain. Or like the French are not going to ask the Italians to beg forgiveness for Julius Caesar’s conquest of Gaul.”
The only way to improve that answer would be to point out that before the Spaniards arrived, Obrador’s ancestors were a bunch of bloodthirsty Aztecs, sitting around pyramids of human skulls and ripping the hearts out of their local passersby in an effort to ensure a good corn crop this year. So how about Spain apologizes to the Mexican government right after the Mexican government apologizes to the descendants of the neighboring tribes that they colonized?
Oops, that’s right – you killed all of them!
Silencio, por favor, Obrador!
Martin Simpson 