As you know, the Democrats are having their convention now, and I am usually the first one to step up and take one for the team, watching nauseating leftist misbehavior so that you don’t have to. But there are limits even for larger-than-life characters such as me.
Sure, I’ve got the strength of ten men, because my heart is pure. And yes, I’ve built up some immunity to political BS by watching American politics for lo these many years. And I don’t want to brag, but I’ve even found a way to watch up to 10 consecutive minutes of a Hillary Clinton speech without gouging out either my eyeballs or my eardrums.
(Hint: it involves turning the volume down very low, and sitting sideways to the tv so that I use only peripheral vision, like when you are passing a member of the Democrat voter base on a poorly lit street, and he’s got both hands in his pockets and a series of teardrop tattoos beneath both eyes. So you have to keep your eyes on him, but you don’t want to look at him directly, because he might be rabid, and see eye contact as a challenge.)
The point is, I’m taking a rain check on this one, and counting on the hardy souls of CO nation to watch this verbal and intellectual dumpster fire, and then tell me what I missed.
In the meantime, I’m going to look back at the highlights of last week, when Kamala “empty pantsuit” Harris was announced as the Dem VP nominee.
I’ll admit I was a little surprised. Like Tucker Carlson, I thought Susan Rice was the likely nominee. She’s not as viscerally grating as Harris, and she got exactly as much black support in the Dem primaries as Harris – and Rice wasn’t actually a candidate!
She is also a past master at speed lying, having gone on 5 network shows in 16.7 minutes and spun a fantastic tale about Benghazi that was as true as Bill Clinton’s stories about how he had no idea how those interns got into his office and started playing bottomless Twister without him asking them to, or even noticing, really.
So when I heard it was Kamala, I’m sure I thought the same thing all of you were thinking: I’d love to see Biden’s face when he finds out that he picked the woman who was calling him a racist and a rapist just a few short months ago! Oooh, he’s going to be steamed!
The MSM got out of the gate quickly, going on a jihad against Tucker and other GOP members for mispronouncing Kamala’s name. “It’s not Kam-e-la, like some white suburban lady named Pamela,” they sneered, “it’s Kam-a-la. It sounds like “comma-la,” which all conservatives know, but pretend not to, because they’re so racist.”
Which was weird, because when I think of a grammar term to help me remember Kamala Harris, I keep coming back to the colon, for some reason.
Anyway, the MSM went right past a snit and into a full-fledged hissy fit, howling about how anyone calling her “Kam-e-la” is obviously a dog-whistling racist.
And then the late Joe Biden announced that this card right here said that he’d picked her for something or other. And he pronounced her name “Kam-e-la” several times.
You can’t make this up.
In the several days since the pick, Biden has been on a media blitz.
If by “blitz” you mean what happened in London in 1941, when people hid in the basement with their arms over their heads for weeks on end.
Even Chris Wallace and some MSM empty heads were surprised this weekend, when Joe and Kamala didn’t do any Sunday shows, and the Dems didn’t put out any spokespeople to pitch the partly line for the newly minted Dream Team in advance of their big convention.
No one has ever seen anything like this: a pivotal week in a campaign during which neither candidate gives ANY interviews.
Well, that’s not entirely fair, because each of them granted one interview this week. And those two rake-stomping-fests speak volumes about the quality of each candidate.
Comma-la gave an interview to Stephen Colbert. As a heavyweight political interlocutor, he’s known for an occasionally funny Bill O’Reilly impression years ago, followed by years of an unfunny comedy show. Also he’s shown a slavish devotion to leftist pols. He makes Don Lemon interviewing Jussie Smollett look like H.L. Mencken savaging some flack from the chamber of commerce.
And somehow, Comma-la screwed up the interview! To call it a train wreck would be an insult to derailments everywhere.
To his credit, Colbert asked her the one blindingly obvious question that even a hack like him couldn’t get away with not asking: how could she attack Biden so viciously in the debates (“you landed haymakers!”), and now be his running mate?
This is a fair and tough question that most pols have to answer when the general election looms, and they must switch to praising the competitor whom they were lambasting during the primaries. Deft politicians walk the tightrope, alluding to their worthy opponent and the necessity of spirited competition within the party.
But Comma-la had made that challenge even tougher for herself, because her slams against Biden included gratuitous, personal attacks. She said that she believed the women who accused him of sexual assault, and that he was the kind of racist who would have kept young Comma-la in a segregated school.
So how would an intelligent, nimble thinker respond to that challenging question?
We will never know. Because Colbert was asking Comma-la Harris.
What follows is an exact transcript of her response. (For the laughter, imagine the sound of the unhinged giggling of Frank Gorshin as the Riddler, mixed with Caesar Romero’s maniacal Joker, and crossed with the disingenuous CAW CAW CAW of Hillary Clinton.)
Unfunny O’Reilly: “How do you go from being such a passionate opponent, on such bedrock principles for you, and now you guys seem to be pals.”
Harris: “It was a DEBATE! HA HA HA HA HA!”
Unfunny O’Reilly: “Not everybody landed punches like you did, though.”
Harris: “It was a DEBATE. HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
Increasingly uncomfortable Unfunny O’Reilly: “So you don’t mean it?”
Harris: “It was a DEBATE. HA HA HA! The whole reason… HA HA! … Literally, it was a DEBATE! HA HA HA HA! It was called a DEBATE!”
Increasingly desperate Unfunny O’Reilly: “I understand.”
Harris: “Everyone travelled to the DEBATE! HA HA! There were journalists there covering the DEBATE! HA! Where there would be a DEBATE!”
Yikes. She’s not just obnoxious, and she’s not just phony. She’s the kind of dim-witted, obnoxious phony who doesn’t have enough sense to NOT say the quiet part out loud, and admit that she’s a soul-less hack who would stop at nothing to win a debate. Which, in fact, she lost badly anyway.
The only moment when her laughter would have been appropriate would have been when Colbert referred to her as having “bedrock principles.” Now THAT’S funny!
You wouldn’t think it was possible for a major nominee to do worse than Comma-la, whiffing on a series of softball questions from a slobbering sycophant like Colbert.
But then Joey Gaffes said, “Hold my Mueslix and watch this!”
And he gave his one interview of the week to… Cardi B.
You may remember her from such efforts as… um…
Well, you wouldn’t remember her. Because she’s a sub-literate, pornographic moan-talker who puts out guttural, synthesized “songs,” none of the titles of which I could say at the dinner table without my wife slapping me in the face.
And I am freaking adorable, with a face that is well-nigh unslappable! So you can imagine how terrible those titles are.
Apparently, when a minion told Biden he should give someone an interview, he said, “Let’s get David Frost.”
And his minion said, “He died in 2013.”
“How about Tim Russert?”
“He died before David Frost.”
“How about Corn Pop?”
“He never existed.”
“Well who else is there, then?”
“How about that foul-mouthed woman who used to pretend to be a hooker, only to drug and rob men?
“Perfect.
So the would-be President of the United States sat down across from the “singer” of “WAP.” (Don’t ask what that means. And DON’T look it up!) And she came across as at least as smart as he did.
Sure, she expressed the same thoughts that naïve young people on the left often have. She wants free health care, and free education, and for cops to stop slaughtering millions of black men every week.
And Plugs pandered like there was no tomorrow.
Afterward, when his handlers helped him back down into the basement – which took a really long time, because he walks with those tiny, very slow steps that people in his mental and physical condition walk with – he had a conversation with his handler, whom he thought was his wife.
Joe: “Jill, I—”
Jerry the handler: “I’m Jerry, sir.”
Joe: “I know that. Anyway, I was really impressed by that nice Car Max lady that I talked to today.”
Jerry: “That was Cardi B.”
Joe: “That doesn’t sound right.”
Jerry: “I know.”
Joe: “Where was I? Oh yeah, that Busy Bee seemed really nice.”
Jerry: “Cardi B.”
Joe: “Anyway, I’m glad I picked her for my MP.”
Jerry: “MP is military police. You picked someone for VP. And it wasn’t Cardi B.”
Joe: “Oh, that’s right. It was that other woman. Camelback? Comma Splice?”
Jerry: “Kamala.”
Joe: “C’mon man! That’s not a real name. That’s just a bunch of macadamia.”
Jerry: “Do you mean ‘malarkey’?”
Joe: “Look, fat—”
And, scene.
Avenatti/ Cardi B 2020!
Martin Simpson 