A Tale of Two First Ladies (posted 8/29/20)

I was putting together some thoughts on the contrasts between the two parties’ conventions, but I came across an interview today with Michelle Obama, and it was so perfectly emblematic of many Dem elites’ attitudes, I felt that it must be dissected…

Compare the first ladies who spoke at both conventions.  Michelle O displayed the dour outlook and instinctive disdain that we’ve come to expect from the woman who had never been proud of this country until it made the tragic mistake of electing her husband.

Melania, on the other hand, was great.  Of course the leftist shrews and harpies – of both genders – were hateful toward her, making fun of her clothes, her looks and her accent.

Which… great job, condescending faux-feminist crones!

A dignified, above-the-fray gentlemen wouldn’t stoop to your level, and criticize the appearance or speaking voice of the first lady from your party the way you did to Melania.

Luckily, I am NOT that kind of dignified, “when you go low, we just clutch our groin and drop to the ground choking” kind of guy.  So here goes.

A few years ago, some cruel, sharp-eyed fellow said that Michelle Obama looks like a scowling wookie, with the demeanor of a dyspeptic misanthropist, the pinched, pained expression of Louis Farrakhan at a Yom Kippur celebration, and the shoulders of an outside linebacker from Arkansas State.

Okay, that guy was me.  And I stand by every one of those fantastically accurate words.

Lest you think me unfair, consider the way that Michelle moaned, and griped, and maligned our country.

After a little rhetorical throat-clearing about how she “loves this country with all of her heart” (!) and a nod to the sacrifices that past Americans made – all good stuff, that – at around the 3 minute mark she made a turn for her natural wheelhouse: bitterness and anti-American libel.

She diagnosed the causes behind Trump’s election as not just millions of bad people voting for a bad man (though that is a near constant, if sometimes only implicit, theme among national Democrats who despise the deplorables who make up half the country), but also as the result of “too many people feeling like their votes didn’t count, or they were fed up…”

She’s pretty close to the heart of it there: after 8 years of Obama’s desultory leadership, and his race-baiting, hyper-partisan betrayal of his campaign persona as a unifying moderate, a lot of people were fed up indeed.

If you’ve got the stomach for it, cue up a video of Michelle’s speech and just freeze the frame at any points between minutes 4 – 18.  I guarantee you’ll catch her in one of her three habitual expressions: disappointed, disgusted, or angry.

The lowlight for me comes at around 4:40, when she recites the poisonous lie about American racism that is this campaign year’s leftist mantra:  “As George Floyd, Breanna Taylor, and a never-ending list of  innocent people of color continue to be murdered, stating the simple fact that a black life matters is still met with derision from this nation’s highest office.”

The malicious dishonesty of that statement would be breathtaking, had we not heard it over and over for several years now!  Trump has never said anything like “black lives don’t matter,” nor has literally anyone with any power, prominence or influence anywhere on the political right, middle or left in this entire nation.

The many principled people who reject thuggish demands to parrot the phrase “black lives matter” do so for a transparently obvious reason: the anti-American hate-mongers who formed and animate BLM as a movement have wrapped a malevolent Marxist agenda in that phrase that has NOTHING to do with the value of minority (or any) lives.

The giveaway is that if you counter by saying “All lives matter,” or even “All black lives matter,” you’re met with spittle-flecked rage, and – if you’re not exercising your 2nd amendment right by carrying a thug-blasting little gift from God — by physical violence.

Also, in case you missed it, our former First Long Day – um, lady – claims there have been a “never-ending list of innocent black folks murdered” by cops.

Really?  Because I’ve seen statistics that say that 9 such killings happened in the entire last year, in a country of 330 million people.  (And 9 is not a big number.  AOC’s IQ is 9.  Joe Biden can still count to 9, if you’re willing to spot him 3.  So, not exactly a “never-ending” list kind of number.) And those stats don’t refer to “innocent” people, but people who were “unarmed.”

In fact, if you look a little closer, while those few people may have technically been unarmed, at least one of them was trying to run over cops with a car (which can cause an extreme case of deadness), and several were trying to get their hands on a weapon when they were killed.  A few more were doing their best to kill or injure cops with their bare hands when they won their Achieving Room Temperature awards.

(A few famous examples: Trayvon was technically unarmed when he was in the process of murdering George Zimmerman, and Michael Brown – who never had his hands up or pleaded “don’t shoot” – had struck the cop and was trying to take his gun when he earned his bullet. I guess Michelle would include those two in her “unending list of innocent people?”  Bah!)

Sure, Melania’s speech contained a lot of clichés, just as Michelle’s did.  But Melania’s clichés were positive and uplifting, unlike Michelle’s, and they had the added benefit of being true.  “America is a great country, and I’m lucky to be here.”  Well it is, and she is.

And sure, Melania has an accent.  And it is adorable!  The way she pronounces her “w”s like “v”s, like a lovable, female Count Dracula? When she said that we should not judge people “by the color of their skeen” I swooned.  Because that was a more positive and truthful thing than anything said at the 4-day mope-a-palooza that the Dems put on last week.  And it sounded so darn cute!

By the way, English is her fifth language.  How many of her hateful critics speak even two languages?  And no, Chelsea Handler, drunken slurring doesn’t count as a language.  And no, Whoopi Goldberg, screeching obscenities doesn’t either.  (And no, Michelle O, there is no “sh” in the word “struggle.”  Stop saying that wrong!)

Can you imagine listening to Hillary Clinton if she spoke 5 languages?  “KA-OW, KA-OW, KA-OW!”  Which, as some of you linguists may know, is Romanian for “CAW CAW CAW!”

Not that I can picture Hillary speaking Romanian.  In fact, if she spoke only one other language, I’m guessing that it would be “offensively fake Ebonics,” because I’ve seen her try that out, when she was pandering for votes at an African-American church:  “Ah ain’t no ways ty-urd.  Ah’ve come too fur to turn back na-ow.”

Yikes.  Where was I?  Oh yes, Melania’s speech.

It was positive, and charming, and full of patriotism and big-hearted affection for her often-boneheaded husband.

As regular readers of this column may know, when I first caught sight of my wife across a crowded room 34 years ago, I lost my ability to see other women.   But I am told by reliable sources that in addition to being likable and kind, Melania is also quite easy on the eyes.

Unlike some other super-tall, Han Solo sidekicks whom I could mention, if I weren’t too classy for that.

Speaking of which, Michelle’s recent interview, during which her questioner asked how the terrible racism of America has affected her.

Here is the only reasonable response to that question for someone in her position:

“No nation is perfect, and all of us have our small irritations in life.  But I am well aware of the great hardships that black people in the past have suffered in this country, when under the control of vicious Democrat politicians.  And I would never in a million years compare anything that has happened to a lucky, pampered, elite person like me to what Democrats forced onto my fellow black people, from the nightmares of slavery and lynching, to the institutional discrimination of Jim Crow and segregation.  I’d have to be a complete moron in a hairy costume with crossed ammo belts and able to make only incoherent roaring sounds to complain about racism’s affect on my life.”

What was Michelle’s ridiculous response, instead?

A white lady ignored her once when she and her daughters were in an ice cream store.

I am not making that up.

Don’t believe me?  Here are the quotes:

“There was a line [in the ice cream place] and once again, when I’m just a Black woman, I notice that white people don’t even see me. They’re not even looking at me. So I’m standing there with two little Black girls, another Black female adult, they’re in soccer uniforms, and a white woman cuts right in front of us to order. Like she didn’t even see us.”

I know, right?  Traumatizing.

But Rosa Parks Obama was not about to take that kind of genocidal hatred lying down.  “So I stepped up, and I said, ‘Excuse me?’ I was like, ‘You don’t see us four people standing right here, you just jumped in line?'” Obama said. “She didn’t apologize, she never looked me in my eye, she didn’t know it was me. All she saw was a Black person, or a group of Black people, or maybe she didn’t even see that because we were that invisible.”

But that’s not all.  Obama had more tales from the American hellscape she’s had to suffer through.

“I can tell you a number of stories like that when I’ve been completely incognito, during the eight years in the White House, walking the dogs on the canal, people will come up and pet my dogs but will not look me in the eye. They don’t know it’s me.”

Fortunately, Philosopher-Queen Sojourner Truth can interpret the world-shaking meaning of such metaphysical wounds to her tender psyche.  Plus, as a bonus, she gets to insult all white people, too!

“What white folks don’t understand, it’s like that is so telling of how white America views people who are not like them,” she said. “You know, we don’t exist. And when we do exist, we exist as a threat. And that, that’s exhausting.”

I wish she could feel my pain.  Between not being able to see other women (because of my infatuation with my wife), and not being able to see black people (because of my horrible, autonomic racism), I am constantly bonking into unseen people all over the place.  I’m lucky I haven’t snapped a clavicle or broken a femur!

But back to Michelle O, and her terrible dilemma.

When I contemplate the circumstances of female slaves who were routinely beaten and raped, and had their husbands sold by their masters; or their children 30 years later who were tormented by the KKK (i.e. the armed wing of the Democrat party); or their grandchildren who had dogs and firehoses turned on them by Democrat officials when they protested segregation, I can still take comfort in one thought:

At least they never knew the trauma of almost having to wait several minutes to get their Haagen-Dazs, or the soul-crushing exhaustion that comes with someone petting your dog without making sufficiently reverential eye contact with you first!

Ugh.  This petty, grudge-carrying, whitey-hating woman used to be our first lady.

And now we’ve got a piping hot supermodel with an adorable accent who loves our country, and judges people by the content of our character, and not by the color of our skeen.

America for the win!

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