Happy Birthday to Hillary, & Joey Gaffes keeps Gaffin’ (posted 10/30/20)

As our beloved COSE reminded us, Monday was a certain pant-suited former future president’s birthday.  She was celebrating the big 7-3. 

As you may know, there are certain gifts associated with momentous birthdays: diamonds for one, gold for another, a commemorative dinnerware set featuring Legendary Bears Players of the Past for another.  (Yes, turning 40 was especially sweet for me, thanks for asking!  Also, please pass me my decorative Gayle Sayers tumbler of scotch.)

But how many of you knew that for the 73^rd birthday, the traditional gift is to elevate your polar-opposite arch-nemesis to a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, leaving you gnashing your frighteningly over-sized teeth and pounding the earth with your hooves in rage ?   

Well now you do. 

Sing it with me, CO Nation:

Happy birthday to you (CAW CAW!)

Happy birthday to you (CAW CAW!)

Happy birthday dear Hillary (CAW!)

Now slink back to Chappaqua!     (She’s on the couuuuurrrrttt!) Yeah!”

Quick quiz.  Below I’ve listed three actual absurd things that the late Joe Biden has done in the last fortnight, and one ridiculous thing that I made up.  See if you can guess which is which:

1. He said that he’s running against someone named George.
2. He said that his team has “developed the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics.”
3. He called the voters in a state he desperately wants to win “chumps.”
4. He tried to cast his vote early at a polling place in Delaware, but wandered into a men’s room, stepped up to a urinal that he thought was a voting booth, and by the time his secret service escort retrieved him he’d written “Me” on a urinal cake.  Then Jill took him by the arm and helped him up to an actual voting booth.  Where he accidentally voted for Donald Trump.

Okay, the urinal cake was probably one step too far, and gave it away.

My favorite real gaffe was the George thing.  If you didn’t see it, he was being interviewed by George Lopez (whom he managed not to refer to as Juan, Jose or Miguel, but only with a great effort), and Lopez asked what he would say to undecided voters.

Biden said, and I am not making this up, “The character of the country in my view is literally on the ballot, what kind of country are we going to be?  Four more years of George uh… George…”

Then Jill jumped in and side-whispered, “Trump, you idiot!”

And Biden blurted, “Trump, you idiot!”

I love that the MSM tried to dive on that dementia grenade to protect Plugsy from himself.  An AP “fact check” – and sarcastic scare quotes were never more appropriate – helpfully explained that you shouldn’t trust your lying eyes and ears: “Biden appears to stumble over his words before correcting himself. The clips online do not mention that Biden was being interviewed by [George] Lopez and instead contend that Biden was so confused that he mixed up President Trump with George W. Bush.”

Got that?  He only “appeared” to stumble over his words, or be confused. But he obviously wasn’t.   He was talking to a guy named George, you see, so he naturally… said that guy’s name?   (Like if you and I were talking, and I asked who you were voting for, you’d naturally blurt out, “Martin!”  And if I said, “What’s your favorite dessert topping, you’d say, “Martin!”)

Of course Biden wasn’t mixing up Trump with a previous president! No!  He was just referring to the constitutional provision that when a GOP president gets re-elected, he is actually replaced by a semi-talented Hispanic comedian, as in, “Trump won, so here comes another four years of George Lopez!” 

As Joe could tell you, that part of the constitution is right there toward the bottom, in the Bill of… Attainder?  No, wait.  The bill of lading?  Oh, you know… you know the thing!

To be fair to Biden, I’m not sure that he WAS referring to George Bush. 

Considering that rolling-tumbleweed-filled noggin of his, he could just as likely have meant George Lazenby, or George Wendt (Norm!), or George of the Jungle.  (Though after a moment’s reflection, there’s no way that what’s left of the Big Guy could have made the arcane reference pull of the least-remembered James Bond.)

Regardless, it couldn’t be more obvious that Biden is a momentary stand-in as a candidate.  If he wins, that means only one thing: Kamala’s got her nose under the tent, and she’ll shortly be forcing her way in, and forcing Biden out.  

Speaking of camels, did you catch that braying, insanely inappropriate laugh that she unleashed when Norah O’Donnell mentioned that she had the most liberal voting record in the Senate?   Good lord!  Just when you think nobody can have a more annoying laugh than Hillary, Comma-la says, “Hold my comically oversized Cheech-and-Chong spliff and watch this!”

I voted on Monday, and I almost feel bad for the earnest oldster Dems on the edge of the library property, who gave me a small sheet outlining the Dem-preferred responses.  I knew all of candidates to vote for, but there were a dozen amendments to state, county and city laws, and they are always confusingly written.

I used to read each proposition earnestly in the newspaper ahead of time, trying to decipher each one.  But then, almost 10 years ago now, after having everything I hold dear routinely pooped upon by leftist “journalists” for my entire adult life, I stopped subscribing to the paper.  

So now I usually have to camp out in the voting booth and try to untangle the badly written amendment language.  “This amendment calls for reversing the earlier bill that restricted any attempt to prevent the elimination of prohibiting the right to require that an expectant mother be allowed to opt out of seeing an ultrasound before an abortion.” 

I always just want to straighten up and raise my hand and say in a loud voice, “Hey, on Amendment 8, which way do I vote if I’m not a moral monster who is pro-infanticide?” 

And then watch all of the pinch-faced booth dwellers give me the stink eye.

But not this year.  Because the nice Dems outside gave me a paper cheat-sheet listing all of the voting positions that a properly woke leftist should take.  So I just voted the opposite way on every item. 

I was out of there in 4 minutes, and back to my usual routine of crushing it at life! 

Finally, in these stress-filled days before the election, I think that what every sane American needs is to look at a picture of Cassie the Wonder Dog getting ready to take a top-down drive with me.  And I’ve got your back, sane Americans.

So when you finish this column, go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com, where you will see a picture of Cassie and I, preparing to go for a spin.   I can’t divulge our travel agenda after this pic was taken; I will only say that the local Dem headquarters did make a police report about a car containing a hilarious Caucasian man and a world-class beast repeatedly circling their building at high speed, in a harassing manner. 

Rumors that witnesses reported hearing intelligent barking, along with a rousing cry of, “What’s up with Hunter’s laptop, you lying, dog-faced pony soldiers?!” have not been confirmed.

Don’t forget to vote, people!

Avenatti/George Lazenby 2020!