Look, I know that we’re all trapped in this unsettling political interregnum, waiting for what looks like a verdict from the electors saying that Biden is the next president. And then for January 5th, when we are all praying that both – or at least one, please God! – of the GOP senate candidates defeat the horrible Democrat choices, thus holding the senate, and allowing us to thwart the worst of the damage that Democrats will be able to do over the next two years.
But as grim as our political situation may temporarily be, I am going to live up to the name of this FB page, and point out some reasons to be optimistic, during this season of eternally renewing optimism.
First, elected Democrats are promising to give us plenty of fodder for mockery and schadenfreude, and to give voters many reasons why they should be thrown out in 2022 and 2024.
Consider the many high profile Dems who have already been caught piously forbidding the deplorable regular people from eating out, or enjoying a holiday, or getting their hair done, or leaving the house… right before they’ve been caught doing all of those things, to the disgust of every sentient constituent.
Governor Ken Doll in CA gets caught at a fancy French restaurant (What did you expect, a Texas style steakhouse or BBQ joint?) living it up in mask-less frivolity with… wait for it… several top-level CA health officials, who had recently scolded normal people for wanting to eat out. The day after Newsom sucked up the snails, San Francisco Mayor London Breed went to the same Le Doucherie – which is a fake French word that I just made up, but which I think sums up the hypocritical leftist clientele at that place quite nicely.
(By the way, if I were trying to come up with a name for a horse to run in the fifth race at Churchill Downs, I could do a lot worse than “London Breed.”)
Austin Mayor Steve Adler (from guess which party) recorded a message telling the little people not to leave their homes… from Cabo San Lucas, where he’d taken a private jet to attend a wedding! He actually said the words, “Now is not the time to relax.”
From Cabo San Lucas! One of the most relaxing places on earth. (If he had a single honest person working for him, that person would release a correction: “What Addled Adler meant to say was that it’s not time for YOU to relax.”)
The mayor of Denver (guess which party!) who outlawed indoor dining was also caught dining indoors, and without a mask. San Jose mayor Sam Liccardo (guess!) dropped a pre-Thanksgiving tweet admonishing the plebes about letting their masks down, and eating with others.
Beginning the a-hole count down now: 3… 2… 1.
Annnnnnnd the next day he had Thanksgiving dinner with 7 family members from 5 different households. He issued a written apology noting that CA rules permit only 3 households at a gathering.
In his defense, he’s a Democrat in charge of a municipal budget. So you can’t expect him to know the difference between 3 and 5. Or the meaning of humility. Or his Schumer from a hole in the ground.
Mayor Beetlejuice of Chicago has already been caught – after doing a PSA telling citizens that it would be the height of selfish vanity to go out for a haircut – when she went out and got a haircut. And everyone who has seen the mayor immediately thought, “You went to someone who cuts hair – for money, as a profession. With a straight face. — and you came out of there with THAT? Did you not have a pair of rusty scissors, or a reciprocating saw, or a weed whacker, or perhaps a scarred and dull hatchet, or scythe?”
Second, the likely president (shudder) Biden is going to take second place to no one when it comes to providing us with mock-worthy material.
For example, you may have heard that he has already tapped Jen Psaki — Not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter, those who have heard Tara Reade’s story, and assume that Biden is as piggy as he is alleged to have been before! – as his press secretary.
Hilarious side-bar: the MSM has been falling all over themselves praising Biden’s all-female communications team as, and I quote, “the most diverse team ever!”
For the second time in a month, let me refer to the Princess Bride: “You keep using the word “diverse.” I do not think you know what it means.”
Note to whoever is taking messages for Joe, as he naps in a shawl, dreaming of that time he bested Corn Pop in a bicycle-chain fight: Picking an entire staff of gyno-Americans means that your staff has no more diversity than would an entire staff of phallo-Americans. Especially when, intellectually speaking, their thought processes could be no more lock-step and blinkered than that of Hillary when they attached those huge, black blinders on either side of her head when she cantered out of Wellesley with a degree in leftist group-think, with minors in agit-prop and Alinsky studies.
Anyway, Biden picked Jen Psaki. Now I happen to know – because I am a worldly, sophisticated type – that Jen’s last name is pronounced “sak-ee.” As in, “Please give me your largest bottle of sake, because it looks like Joe Biden is going to be president, and I need some strong drink to drown my sorrows.”
In other words, the “P” in “Psaki” is silent.
I know that you see where I’m going with this, so I’m just going to cut to the chase.
In a few weeks, Biden is going to clump out of his basement in his boot – which he’s only wearing because he totally broke his foot while vigorously wrestling with his dogs, not while he was doing that “old man shuffle” across the floor and fell down, then lay there like a Mitch McConnell on his back, feebly wailing, “someone help me up!” until his Jamaican care-giver showed up. And he said, “Jill, is that you?”
And she said, “No, Mr. Biden. It’s me, the person who keeps rescuing you when you wonder into a corner and can’t get out, and who also looks nothing at all like your elder-abusing wife who insists on being called “doctor” even though she’s not a real doctor.”
Where was I? Oh yeah: cutting to the chase.
Just before Christmas, Biden – not trusting himself to read a holiday message off the teleprompter – will introduce Jen thusly, “Here’s Jen Paki, with a reading from the Palms.”
Okay, I had planned to move this column in a more uplifting direction, but I just read a story about AOC that I MUST comment on. So I’m going to save my more uplifting thoughts for a new column in a couple of days, as I turn to: the greatest tweet of December! (so far)
Earlier this week, AOC was throwing a tantrum about the high cost of college, and how it’s not fair to expect that college students or their families pay for college. Or for health care, either! And her car is two years old, while all of her friends’ parents bought them new Beamers, and her parents don’t know what it’s like when all of your friends are so judge-y. And yes she WILL get that tattoo and those piercings, because you’re not the boss of her! And as soon as she gets back to her swanky, taxpayer-provided DC townhouse she’s going to play her music as loud as she wants, all night long!
As you might guess, a bunch of people more mature than her – i.e. anyone over 12, and about half of those between 5-12 – pointed out that she was being an entitled brat. And also that it might have been better if, when she first started stomping around and pouting this way when she was still an actual child, her parents had unsnapped the back of her footie PJs and tanned her behind and sent her to bed without supper.
Also, some critics may have mentioned that her work experience before going to Congress and trying to create an educational system from the ground up was as a waitress and bartender. And that when you ordered a scotch and soda with a twist from her, you were equally likely to get a Pine-sol and Listerine with a lemon lifesaver in it.
And that’s when Seething Sandy unleashed this beautiful tweet:
“Republicans like to make fun of the fact that I used to be a waitress, but we all know if they ever had to do a double they’d be the ones found crying in the walk-in fridge halfway through their first shift b/c someone yelled at them for bringing seltzer when they wanted sparkling.”
Beginning entitled a-hole countdown: 3… 2… 1
Annnnnnnnnd everyone over 30 blasted her relentlessly.
Joni Ernst mentioned that she had worked on the biscuit line at Hardees… when she wasn’t working on her family’s hog farm, or on construction jobs. Also she spent some time running convoys in a combat zone in the military. Michigan rep Paul Mitchell cited “working numerous doubles in Respiratory Therapy where a mistake could result in death.”
Dana Loesch’s husband (lucky dog) said, “The actual physical laborers you want to have pay for everyone else’s college tuition would like to introduce you to physically difficult jobs. You have no idea what those words mean till you have done hot tar roofing.”
My personal favorite reply came from Chris Manning: “I waited tables for 3 years. It’s not a physically difficult job. Digging trenches for sewer lines in the 95-100° summer heat was a difficult job. Pouring concrete and laying block in the summer in Phoenix was a physically difficult job. Waiting tables was cake. Sit down Sandy.”
After a day to think about it, the best AOC could come back with was this: “These Republicans who are defensively rage-tweeting “But you’re wrong! I worked my way to pay through college!!” don’t realize they sound like folks who speak of the days when Hershey bars were 5¢ at the general store.”
Said the ditz who enthusiastically supported Bernie Sanders, who was bumming penny candy from strangers outside the Nickelodeon when he was her age, and who still waxes nostalgic over the good old days when the Bolsheviks were giving what-for to the Mensheviks.
This is going to be an interesting two years!
Avenatti/Beetlejuice Bowl-Cut 2024!
Martin Simpson 