Today is the first day of March – unless you’ve joined me in calling it the month of “Mart,” which I argued for in a previous column. (I was musing that I liked the Roman practice of naming months after emperors, e.g. July for Julius Caesar and August for Caesar Augustus.) Before you laugh me out of the room – I know, too late – consider that an African-American felon and lunatic made up Kwanzaa over 50 years ago, and it’s still hanging around. Sort of.
So with any luck, in 50 years your kids and grandkids will be celebrating Mart Madness, or noting that this year, Mart came in like a lion but went out like a lamb.
But I digress.
Now that February has ended, we can look back at the first full month of the late Joe Biden’s administration. And since this site is called “Cautious Optimism” rather than “Cautious Excuse-me-while-I-put-this-loaded-gun-in-my-Mouth,” let’s look at the bright side of the first full month of leftist rule.
Um…. Well, there’s…
Okay. The moon hasn’t turned to blood, the locusts haven’t arrived, and we don’t have a plague of boils. Yet.
Other than that, it’s about what we expected.
There’s been the usual leftist suspects beclowning themselves in the usual ways.
For example, when Donald Trump signed 7 executive orders in his first 12 days in office, he was an autocratic dictator. So when Joe Biden signed 25 executive orders in his first 12 days, the MSM screamed bloody murder.
HA! I kid. They actually cheered him.
Biden also had a Town Closet meeting in mid-February during which he claimed that “we didn’t have a vaccine when we came into office.” Which likely came as quite a surprise to the millions of Americans who had already been vaccinated by the time Biden slurred his way through the oath on 1/20.
In fact, it probably came as a surprise to Biden too, when an aide told him that he’d been vaccinated twice by January 11th.
Correction: that wasn’t a “Town Closet” meeting, but a “Town Hall” meeting. Sure, when Biden arrived at the venue he wandered into a closet and couldn’t find his way out. But after a frantic search, the secret service found him there, and guided him by the elbow to a podium in a town hall.
From his “no vaccine exists” statement, Biden pivoted to saying that he was setting the lofty goal of overseeing 100 million vaccinations in 100 days. Which, if my public-school math serves me well, means an average of 1 million vaccinations per day.
Fun fact: in the four days before Biden staggered into office, the Trump administration averaged over 1 million vaccinations per day.
So the Scranton Sophocles said that there is no vaccine, and also that he will push his administration to try to achieve the goal of ramping up to giving almost the number of daily vaccinations that were already happening before he took office.
Nothing surprising there. Biden routinely says demented things. But in his defense, he has a good excuse: he’s got dementia.
But the rest of the leftists and MSM don’t have that excuse. Four quick examples:
1.Musically talented colossal hypocrite Bruce Springsteen is now doing a podcast with Barack Obama. Thus answering the question, “Does a podcast exist that would make me prefer to rub sand into my open eyes and perforate my eardrums with knitting needles rather than watching and listening to it?”
And – hold onto your gag reflex – it’s going to be called, “Renegades: Born in the USA.” (Though I think “Retrogrades: Born in the USA, plus Kenya” would have demonstrated a little self-deprecating humor that I’d admire.)
2. Our recent insanity about gender has now spread to children’s toys, with Hasbro announcing that they are rebranding “Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head” to just “Potato Head.” Because, I guess, there has been an epidemic of kids accidentally seeing “Mr.” and “Mrs.” on their toy box, and becoming so discombobulated that they immediately started whacking away at their own genitalia with a set of sharpened gardening shears? Which were left on the floor of the nursery, beside the toy box, for some reason?
I am not making this story up. An actual toy company is symbolically de-sexing their tuber-based toys. Way to go, heroes – you’ve cured sexism!
Ugh.
I say we steer into the skid with these idiotic companies, and goad them into even more woke insanity.
For example, what’s with the “bro” on the end of “Hasbro?” That’s pretty phallo-centric, if you ask me! Why couldn’t you name your company “Has-sis,” hmm? Maybe it’s because you’re secretly pushing… a PEPRG?! And don’t pretend you don’t know that that means “Patriarchy-Empowering Potato-Related Game,” you FMCOs! (Filthy Misogynist Corporate Offenders. Duh!)
So yeah. Starting now, a generation of malleable offspring will start putting plastic hair bows, exaggerated plump red lips and thick mustaches on their unisex potato-simulating toys.
Hey, good luck when they get to the dating years, parents of current toddlers!
3. Seattle, fresh from months of encouraging subliterate, mouth-breathing Biden voters to destroy their city, have come up with a use for all of the taxpayer money they are saving by not employing cops. Their DESC – which, though you might assume it stands for “Depraved Execrable Sinister Cretins“ actually stands for “Downtown Emergency Services Center” – has produced two handy flyers targeting a core element of the Democrat voting base: incorrigible drug addicts.
The first flyer advocates smoking heroin, rather than injecting it. Because – and I cannot stress enough how I am NOT making this up – “smoking is a lower-risk alternative to injection. Give it a try!”
Yes, by all means, give it a try!
Your city is a burned-out husk, and you’ve lost any chance at employment now that every sane business owner has fled the feral leftist hordes vandalizing what used to be their businesses. So while you’re sitting around in piles of human excrement and dirty syringes, playing with a discarded plastic toy with full breasts, male genitalia and a bowler hat attached to it, it’s not like you have anything better to do than smoking some heroin.
But wait! The second taxpayer-funded flyer proposes an even better way to get your heroin fix than shooting or smoking it: sticking it up your arse.
Again, on my honor as a hilarious genius and a gentleman: I am not making this up.
This actually-existing flyer introduces the charming phrase “booty bumping.”
If you’re anything like me – and what a sweet world that would be! — when you first heard “booty bumping” you probably thought that it was a euphemistic reference to the way in which Comma-La started her political career in CA. Or, possibly, what the nascent Biden administration has already started doing to the gullible American citizens who voted for Joey Gaffes because they believed he was a “moderate.”
But no. The flyer educates Seattle-ites that the rectum is “very efficient at absorption.” So cue the NBC “The More you Know” musical theme on that one.
It goes on to say that introducing heroin into yourself rectally “is a good choice if your veins are hard to hit,” and that, “it doesn’t leave tracks.”
Skid marks, probably. But no tracks. So you’ll have that going for you.
That’s it in a nutshell, folks. Socrates suggested that the unexamined life is not worth living. Christ advocates treating others as you would be treated. The Founding Fathers urged us toward the highest use of our Creator-endowed liberties and faculties.
But the Democrats who run Seattle have their own words to live by: “Sticking heroin up your butt: Give it a try!”
4. NBC’s Andrea Mitchell – and here I miss Rush even more, as I can hear his nasally, mocking pronunciation of “Annn-drea Mitchell” – thought she’d school Ted Cruz. When he compared the Dems’ unhinged impeachment trial to “sound and fury, signifying nothing,” and attributed that reference to Shakespeare, Mitchell jumped in with a snooty correction: “No, that’s Faulkner.”
And yes, it is fair to call that “a tweet told by an idiot.” (THAT’S how you deploy a subtle Shakespeare reference, Andrea!) Because, of course, the original quote is from Macbeth, and Faulkner took it as the title for his novel The Sound and the Fury. (By the way, remember when that mediocre prof whose name you already forgot from last week’s column assured us that “Shakespeare isn’t timeless?”)
I’m sure that a quick look through Mitchell’s previous tweets would find more “corrections.” For example, she has probably assured others that Shakespeare also had nothing to do with “Something Wicked This Way Comes,” “Kiss Me, Kate,” “What Dreams May Come,” and “The Dogs of War,” which came from Ray Bradbury, Cole Porter, Richard Matheson and Frederick Forsyth, respectively.
Also, “All the World’s a Stooge” is a reference to the 1941 classic film starring Adam Schiff, Chuck Schumer and Grandma Squanto, rather than some obscure Shakespeare play.
Sorry. My research staff tells me that “All the World’s a Stooge” actually starred Moe, Larry and Curly.
Honest mistake.
Anyway, I guess we shouldn’t be too hard on Andrea, because Penn poli-sci or journalism majors can’t be expected to know—
What’s that? Her degree was in English Literature? And she currently holds a position as “Chair of the Board of Overseers of the School of Arts and Sciences?” But she doesn’t recognize one of the most widely known quotes from one of the most famous plays written by THE most famous playwright in the known universe?
Perfect.
So let me close with a quick game that I just made up to help Andrea brush up on her Shakespeare, lest she embarrass herself further.
It’s called, “Match these Shakespearian insults to the current Democrat they most clearly fit.” I’ve included the answers in the parentheses after each quote.
“Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.” (If that’s not Joey Gaffes, I’ll eat my hat.)
“Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.” (Any Nile reference could only be to Imhotep Pelosi.)
“Thou lump of foul deformity” (Jerry Nadler. Or Bill Clinton. Or a Cuomo to be named later.)
“I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can, you are not for all markets.” (That genius economist AOC.)
“I scorn you, scurvy companion.“ (Fang Fang’s boyfriend, Eric Swalwell.) (If by “scurvy” you mean “syphilitic.”)
“More of your conversation would infect my brain.” (Adam Schiff, but the judges would also accept Ilhan Omar.)
“The tartness of [her] face sours ripe grapes.” (Tie: Maxine Waters and CAW CAW.)
“Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.” (The entire Democrat House and Senate membership.)
I’m going to print out these words and tape them to the bottom of my tv, and then watch the Dems debate the $1.9 trillion corrupt-o-crat bailout bill of 2021: “Thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee!”
Nancy “out-venoming tongue” Pelosi/ Sandy “not for all markets” Ocasio-Cortez, 2024!
Martin Simpson 