Well, the Month of Mart™ is over. Traditionally, it is said to “come in like a lion, and go out like a lamb.” But thanks to the misery brought to us by the Biden administration, it unfortunately came in like a canker sore, and went out like genital herpes.
Okay, that was not my best effort, metaphor-wise. I blame it on my having a low-grade depression because of this idiotic administration and its wrecking-ball policies. So let me try to start again.
Well, the Month of Mart™ is over, and to no one’s surprise, Biden’s progress through the month can be summarized thusly: he came in like a corpse, and went out like a cadaver.
Ugh. Can’t do it. Let’s just start the column.
I don’t know if you saw it, but Joey Gaffe’s dogs were in the news again. It seems that for the second time in as many months, Major the German Shepherd bit someone.
I am not going to blame that dog. It’s well known among perceptive people that virtually all of the problematic behavior in dogs – with the exception of when they’re rabid or seriously injured – arise because of their terrible owners. Some kind of Michael Vick-type jerk abuses a dog and makes it fight, and you end up with a misbehaving dog.
I don’t think that Cassie the Wonder Dog could be totally corrupted by a bad owner. (But we’ll never know, because she has a fantastic owner!) But even she could have her top-rate behavior degraded if she were owned by a miscreant like the late Joe Biden. To paraphrase an old political attack, “I know Cassie the Wonder Dog. Cassie the Wonder Dog is a friend of mine. And Major and Champ are no Cassie the Wonder Dog!”
By the way, I’m pretty sure that “Champ” got his name because that’s a generic dog name that you use when you’ve got dementia and can’t remember your dog’s name.
Conveniently, it also works with children. When some kids are at a press availability, you know Biden’s panicky aides whisper to him, “Whatever you do, don’t rub any of their shoulders or smell their hair.” Even if the kid in front of Biden is a niece or grandchild, the aides say, “Remember: You’ll never go wrong with, ‘Hey there, Champ!’”
And then Biden’s granddaughter comes up to him and he says, “Heidi-ho, Cramp! I mean…Hay bale, Clamp.” And the Secret Service team breathes a sigh of relief and says, “Close enough!” And they shuffle the kids out, and arrange for Joe to have his jello and then a nap.
As far as Major goes, my theory is that he was previously trained as a cadaver-sniffing dog. And now the miasma coming off of his decomposing master has to be driving him crazy! Thus the repeated biting.
However, I saw a troubling AP story about his second biting. The story quoted Michael LaRosa, a spokesperson for Jill “Not even close to a real Doctor” Biden, who reported that Major “nipped someone while on a walk” on Monday. A Huff Po story had the headline “Major Biden is a Good Boy Who Needs Time to Adjust.” Several friendly stories mentioned that Major is “back in the doghouse.”
I know it’s tiresome at this point, but can you imagine what kind of coverage Trump would have gotten if his fictional husky would’ve bitten someone, even if only once?
Well you don’t have to imagine it, because I’m going to put on my magical wizard hat, and prognosticate the first paragraphs of a MSM story on that hypothetical event:
“Donald Trump’s violent husky – a breed that some say he chose because of its luxurious white (supremacist) coat – reportedly attacked an unnamed WH aide today. The aide might well be a person of color, in which case the animal was clearly responding to a literal “racist dog whistle” from its hideous owner.”
“Though initial reports suggest that the dog only nipped at one of the aide’s loose shoe strings, Adam Schiff says that he suspects the dog may have killed and partially eaten up to 17 people. Chuck Schumer shoulder-rolled in front of a camera and said, “You know who else used vicious dogs to attack their helpless enemies?”
“One bored reporter rolled his eyes, shrugged listlessly, and mumbled, “Let me guess: the Nazis?”
“Schumer triumphantly shouted, “the Nazis!!!”
“Schiff has cleared the House schedule for the next 18 months to investigate this tragedy, and set aside an initial budget of $150 million to be spent on it. The NYT newsroom is at this moment brainstorming some catchy names for the scandal.
“The leading contenders so far are: “the Doggo-caust,” “Bite-aggedon,” and “K-9-11.”
All of which makes me reconsider this story. Given our absolutely terribly biased MSM reporting, I’m wondering about the accounts of Major Biden’s recent biting incident. Sure, one sleazy reporter called it a “nip.” But I can read between the lines of Joe Biden’s interview with corrupt Dem hack George Snuffaluffagus.
Biden did nothing but make excuses. His interview sounded like the statement of every distraught mother who talks to the press after her glowering serial killer kid was just caught at the bus station with his evil manifesto written in crayon under one arm, and a suitcase full of bloody, detached human ears under the other. “He’s a good boy. He never meant nobody no harm. He just fell in with a bad crowd.”
Listen to Biden’s ghost, in these quotes that I swear I am not making up: “Look, Major was a rescue pup…. [He] did not bite someone and penetrate the skin.” I think he learned that one from Bill “I smoked pot but did not inhale” Clinton. Sure, Major might have closed his jaws on somebody’s forearm. But he didn’t penetrate the skin. Got it?
Biden also suggested that Major was off his game because he wasn’t used to all the strangers around. “I guess what surprised me is the White House itself, living there. Every door you turn to, there’s a guy in a black jacket. You turn a corner and there’s two people you don’t know at all.”
Nice try, Joe. Those people were Hunter and Jill Biden. And even if you didn’t recognize them, Major probably did. (And if he was lunging at Hunter because he knows a greedy, degenerate, brother’s widow jumper when he sees one, “Good boy!”)
Biden went on: “And he moves to protect.” Yes, that’s the ticket. “Protect.”
If by “protect” you mean “launch yourself at the vitals of a WH butler bringing in some coffee,” and then “sink your incisors into the larynx of an electrician who was only trying to set up the seat that travels along a staircase on a rail so that Biden doesn’t fall up and down the stairs six times a day.”
Finally Biden insisted that, “85% of the people [at the WH] love him.”
Uh oh. That means he maimed or killed the other 15%.
After reading several accounts that all downplay Major’s little “nipping” incident, I’ve got an entirely different picture of it in my mind. Think the crane shot of the Japanese restaurant at the end of the huge sword fight in Kill Bill II: spasming bodies, dismembered limbs, and blood everywhere.
And Jake Tapper in the Rose Garden, saying, “Nothing to see here folks. Just a lovable progressive puppy, engaged in some adorable hijinks while his master saves the country by destroying it.”
And after all of that, I haven’t even told you the worst part.
The first story I saw about this was actually entitled “Who Did the No. 2? Biden Dog Drops Doodie on White House hall carpet.” That’s right: it wasn’t about the biting story, but about solving the mystery of who took a giant Schumer (HA!) on “the red-carpeted hallway just outside the Diplomatic Reception Room.”
And by this time I’m sure you can picture the scene as well as I can. Several reporters stop in the hallway and see the evidence. One says, “I wonder if this was Champ or Maj—”
Then they hear a barking behind them, and turn to see a WH aide in a full, padded bee-keeper outfit, struggling to pull both leashed dogs into the WH from the south lawn where they’ve been exercising.
And both reporters turn slowly back to the pile outside the doorway. One says, “But if it wasn’t Major, and it wasn’t Champ, who–?”
And just then, the reception room doors open, and out shuffles Joey Gaffes, mumbling, “…then I’ll say, ‘you make Jim Crow look like Jim Eagle. That’ll get ‘em!”
Okay, I’ve got to apologize for putting that mental picture in your heads. As I mentioned before, seeing my country being relentlessly attacked by the morons in Washington is taking a toll on my mental state.
I can’t undo what’s been done, but I’ll try to replace that horrible image by touching on two other March events.
Early in the month, vile ex-CIA boss and super creep John Brennan said that he’s “ashamed to be a white male.” If I can speak for all pale, phallo-Americans – and I think that I can – let me just say this: “Not as ashamed as we are, you traitorous and dishonest a-hole.”
Finally, during coverage of Kristi Noem’s ridiculous veto of a SD bill that would have prevented biological males from competing against (and destroying) females in sporting events, a block of petrified wood posing as a CNN reporter named Devan Cole excreted what might be the dumbest thing said in March: “It’s not possible to know a person’s gender identity at birth, and there is no consensus criteria for assigning sex at birth.”
Good lord! If you put a bunch of MSM “reporters” in front of a table with various tools, pipes and electrical cords and told them to identify the male and female tools, they’d end up electrocuting themselves and causing blunt force trauma. And if they were able to stumble to their cars to drive to the emergency room, and you told them they needed to plug the male seatbelt into the female, they’d bonk one end of the seatbelt against the emergency brake and steering wheel until they passed out.
Listen Devan, why don’t you shadow an OB-GYN for a few baby deliveries. While the doc is holding the baby up and delivering the swat to get it crying, take a quick peek between its legs. If you see something similar to what you’ve got down there (and something tells me around the same size?), that’s going to be a male. If you see something different, that’s a female.
And if it’s completely featureless and smooth down there?
That’s a Gavin Newsom.
Avenatti/ Champ Biden 2024!