I read Biden’s awful gun-grabbing speech so that you don’t have to (posted 4/12/21)

As a well-raised Midwesterner, I was always taught not to speak ill of the dead.

But I’ve got to talk about Joe Biden, and his unsettling speech announcing that he was (surprise!) coming after the guns of law-abiding American citizens. 

Of course the content was incoherent, but only in the way typical of our lefty overlords right now: “This move to alter our founding political document is not “political,” this restriction on your right to bear arms does not in ANY way affect the Second Amendment right to bear arms,” etc.  In that way, he’s no more demented than his non-dementia-suffering co-religionists.  (If you consider socialism a religion.) (Which – spoiler alert – it is.)

Sidebar: Socialism has to be the worst religion ever, too.  We Christians have heaven to look forward to, Buddhists have nirvana.  What do socialists have? 

The classless society.

Great.  If you watched the recent heavyweight bout/Grammy performance by Cardi B and Megan the Stallion, you know that we’ve already achieved a classless society.  And as societies go… it doesn’t seem that great.

We Christians have Christ, the Buddhists have the jolly round guy who doesn’t seem to mean nobody no harm.  Who do the socialists have? 

Stalin, Mao, and Bernie Sanders.  Talk about an unholy trinity!  Throw in Pol Pot, Hitler (yes, he was a national socialist), Whoopi Goldberg, Castro, Hugo Chavez, Gavin Newsom, Che Guevara, “She-Guevara” Ocasio-Cortez, Ho Chi Min and Joy Behar, and you’ve got yourself a Murderer’s Row of the worst people in the last hundred years. 

But it wasn’t just Joey Gaffe’s thoughts that were incoherent.  His speech was atrocious, too. 

As anyone who’s followed his “career” – I first typed “careen,” and Microsoft Word did not correct me –he’s been in an ongoing battle with the English language.   And he’s been slaughtering it!  He’s like 115-0.

This speech was no exception.  Except that it might have been even worse.  Sure, in the past he’s mangled pretty much every part of speech.  Verbs are all over the place, modifiers float in a disconnected verbal fog, prepositions are both touch AND go.  And his proper nouns? Aye caramba! 

Watch him try to identify a person on stage with him.  He’ll call his wife his sister, and a general his Secretary of State, and his Secret Service bodyguards “Champ” and “Biff” and “Buddy” and “Goose” and “Maverick” and “Larry.”  (I checked.  There’s no one named “Larry” on his security detail.)

But this time he out-did himself.  He mangled a set of three letters that form an acronym. 

He was trying to refer to the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.  Which, if you’re a literacy buff, you might recognize as being signified by “ATF.”  (Just on the off chance that AOC is reading this column, the “A” stands for Alcohol, the “T” stands for Tobacco, and the “F” stands for firearms.)

Twice, Biden’s ghost referred to the “AFT.” 

This is the moment when the entire American populace simultaneously slaps their own foreheads.

And when, in a conference room in Pyongyang with leaky ceiling tiles and an empty chair at the head of the table with two phone books on the seat, the advisors to Porky Nork Kim say, “HA!  We no longer have the dumbest leader in the world!”

And when Mao 4 (I’m not going to waste time looking up the name of the latest Chicom mass murdering leader) says, “Tomorrow we move on Taiwan!”

This is what we’ve come to, America. 

Biden lost the ability to string together a paragraph during Obama’s first term (which will live in infamy).  He lost the ability to construct a coherent sentence during last year’s primaries.  He lost the ability to form a correct word sometime around inauguration day.

And now he can’t do LETTERS!

Now I know why Biden is driven around by a secret service guy.  Because if he were driving and got pulled over – because you know he’d be going 7 mph, with half a rosebush sticking out of the grill and a mailbox stuck in the windshield – the cops would give him a sobriety test.  They’d say, “Recite the alphabet backwards from the letter ‘P’.”

And Biden would say, “P, schwa, ampersand, umlaut, seven—”

And the cops would slap on the cuffs. 

And the Mobile Airport Staircase that defeated Biden several weeks ago would assume the office of president, and receive the thanks of a grateful nation!

Do you know what the second-worst job in America is?  Being the White House transcriptionist for Joe Biden. 

During his verbal potato-sack race – if it had been an actual potato-sack race, Biden would have tripped on the second hop, somehow burst into flames, and then careened into a bus full of middle-schoolers, killing all involved – Biden read some banal praise for his political allies who support his effort to make sure that only criminals have guns. 

According to the poor transcriptionist, the last two sentences of that paragraph read, “So many of you who have never given up. So many of you who are in — absolutely determined, as Murph and others are, to get this done.”

That last sentence is already incoherent.  But a Wall Street Journal writer points out that what Biden actually said sounded more like, “So many of you who are in — absolutely determined, as Merfin and Ruthers are, to get this done.”

Now I can’t speak for Merfin or Ruthers – who, like Corn Pop, don’t exist – but boy do I feel for that transcriptionist!  She’s got a pair of headphones on, listening to a series of grunts and mumbles and ampersands and umlauts, and she’s got to turn that into a coherent statement.

But do you know what the absolute worst job in America is?

Being the presidential sign language interpreter.

At several points, that beleaguered woman just had to raise both hands, palm-up, above both shoulders and shrug, in the universal gesture meaning, alternately, “I have no idea,” “Your guess is as good as mine,” or “WTF?” 

Which Biden, if he were to try to express it, would likely turn it into, “TWF,” then “TFW,” and then “You know… you know, the thing… where you mean that you’re confused.”

To sum up the speech: Biden 116, English 0.

To top all of that, Biden’s even LOOKING worse and worse. 

I don’t mean metaphorically, as in “he’s not looking so good in the polls.”  I mean the guy looks like that ventriloquist dummy from Jeff Dunham’s act.  Or actually, one of two of the dummies from Jeff Dunham’s act.

I first thought of Walter, the crotchety old-guy dummy.  Especially when Biden is out in direct sunlight so that he has to squint, he is the spitting image of Walter.  Watch just 2 seconds of his press conference – any more than that would be too much to ask of you – and tell me I’m wrong.  (Can some talented member of the CO Nation please put up a side-by-side picture of Joey Gaffes and Walter?)

But on second thought, he’s also a dead ringer – pardon the expression – for Ahmed the Dead Terrorist.  First, there’s the decomposed, skeletal body, which, enough said.  But there’s also the glowering, malevolent expression.

Also, do you remember the way that Ahmed responds to all opposition, no matter how legitimate it may be?  Because it should be familiar to those following politics in 2021.

If the Biden administration had a campaign motto so far, it would also be, “SILENCE!  I KEEL YOU!”

And if you replaced Jeff Dunham with Barack Obama as the one with his hand up Biden’s back, working those clacking mandibles, you’d have a mirror image so uncanny that even Biden’s mother couldn’t tell them apart. (If she were somehow still alive at the age of 215.)

Ugh.  This is our president, people. 

It’s already been a long four years, and it’s only been 11 weeks.

Merfin/Ruthers 2024!

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