Try being me for just a few minutes.
I know, from the outside, it looks pretty sweet. The first-class wife, the top-shelf daughters, the peerless Wonder Dog, the rapier wit.
The precious opportunity to vent to CO Nation and thus avoid the high-blood-pressure-induced series of strokes that I would otherwise have surely suffered if I were rendered ventless.
But think about this. My avocation is finding and writing about political foolishness, a subject that is usually not in short supply. However, in recent months, I feel like I’ve been trying to drink from a fire hose.
For example, on Friday afternoon I went to Breitbart to take a quick run through some stories aggregated from various sources. And in just the first half of that one page’s top stories, I came across the following gems, none of which I am making up:
First, a story entitled “Cuomo Begs Citizens To Return to NYC: ‘We Need People Coming Back’.”
That’s right people, 500 days after “15 days to slow the spread,” it finally dawns on Fredo Sr. (“He’s not dumb. Not like everybody says. He smaht, and he wants respect!”) that perhaps forcibly closing down NYC and urging every New Yorker to flee for their lives might not have been so great for business.
The story reports on remarks the Grandma Killer made in a talk to a group called “Association for a Better New York.” (Friendly tip: if you want to make NY better, start by getting rid of every Cuomo in sight, then Duh Blasio, then AOC, then Sharpton, then… Well, send me your email, and I’ll send you a list.)
True to his dictatorial lefty instincts, Cuomo isn’t going to waste time on trying to persuade or incentivize regular folks to come back, either. He’s all about the top-down commands to anyone foolhardy enough to still try to be an employer in NY: “Say to your workforce, “By Labor Day, everyone is back in the office.”
Yes, there’s nothing like, “Make them an offer they can’t refuse”-style bullying to squash those hurtful anti-Italian-American stereotypes, is there, Andy?
Second came a story out of Germany about a gay man with a rainbow flag getting his jaw broken in an assault by “men of southern appearance.”
I know what you’re thinking: It doesn’t sound like those Duke boys, to be driving around Berlin in the General Lee, with “Free Bird” blasting out of their stereo, then stopping to beat up some German guys who don’t care much for the frauleins, if you take my meaning.
But that’s not what the German police mean by “men of southern appearance.” Because they – like some of our own police – have been brow-beaten by a bunch of woke activists into coming up with a bunch of euphemisms to hide the unpleasant consequences of leftist policies.
Hence, “southern appearance” doesn’t refer to people wearing a Bear Bryant hat, or even some Spanish lothario lounging around in his bullfighting costume. It means a person from an area where a certain super-peaceful religion holds sway.
As in, “Wow, those southerners are really tossing a lot of gay guys off of buildings lately.”
Or, “Have you noticed how many busty Oktoberfest waitresses seem to be being beaten while lunatic southerners scream that they are infidel wh*res this autumn?”
The Brits are doing the same thing, as I learned when I read confusing stories about, “Angry British Asian protesters carrying signs saying, ‘Slay Those Who Insult Islam!’”
I tried to picture the many Asians I’ve met carrying protest signs, and all I could come up with is, “Math isn’t Difficult Enough!” or “I’m Going Home to Practice the Cello for Four Hours!” or, “Please Forgive Me for My Shamefully Low Cumulative 3.98 GPA!”
Meanwhile, from back in DC comes a story of a bunch of Democratic Senators booing Joe Manchin for raising concerns about the 3.5 trillion (with a “T” – as in “To hell with you idiotic big spenders”) price tag for the “infrastructure” bill.
Now that’s one scenario that is not hard to imagine at all: a bunch of professionally useless elected grifters standing around screaming, “Boo, fiscal sanity! Booo!” or “Hey, that guy over there says he doesn’t want to bankrupt our grandchildren’s children just to fire cash out of t-shirt cannons over every blighted city we’ve been running into the ground for 80 years! Git ‘em!!”
Apparently a few Dims demly realized how bad that made them look—
Sorry, that’s “a few Dems dimly realized how bad that made them look.” So they put out the word that Manchin was only “jokingly booed” by the other senators.
Sure he was. Because if there’s anything we know about leftists, it’s that they have such GREAT senses of humor, and they just love to laugh. (Quick, illustrative joke: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!”)
Next up was a story about a Dem congress-weasel who has long championed transparency in government, but – hold onto your hat! – forbids citizens from recording public town hall meetings.
The pol in question is GA Dem Carolyn “Honest Abe” Bourdeaux, who in the last election cycle touted how she prides herself on the way she “stand[s] for the rule of law and transparency in our government.”
But last week, in a “Cones With Carolyn” event – I don’t know what that means either, but I’m picturing a crowd standing around wearing traffic cones on their heads like dunce caps? – a citizen was making a cell phone video of the publicly funded event, taking place on public property, and attended by the public, when one of “Carolyn’s Creeps,” as her staff are known, told him to stop filming.
Okay, I just made up that “Carolyn’s Creeps” jab. And for all I know, her poor staffers could be fine people stuck in a terrible job. But c’mon. If Bourdeaux’s opponents aren’t making up signs with “Carolyn’s Creeps” on them right now, they’re leaving money on the table.
In the next story, a bunch of “journalists” and commentators attacked American Olympian swimmer Michael Andrew for his behavior after a race.
What did he do to so offend them? Wipe his butt with an American flag? Give the Hitler salute while on the podium? Lie on the ground kicking and screaming like a 2-year-old in a temper tantrum when the national anthem was being played?
Nope. He declined to wear a m-a-s-k in an interview after his race.
He tried to defend his conduct by pointing out that immediately after the extreme exertion of world-class swimming, “it’s pretty hard to breathe… so I feel like my health is a little more tied to being able to breathe than protecting what’s coming out of my mouth.”
He didn’t say – but could have said – that for a bunch of elite athletes with an average age of 20, an average body fat of 2%, and no co-morbidities, the likelihood of dying from the Flu Manchu is about 100X less than dying by getting hit by an errant hammer thrown 40 yards outside of the women’s hammer-throwing area by a biological male hammer-thrower who identifies as Judy Garland.
Opinion columnist Michael J. Stern – who as far as anyone knows, probably swims like an anchor – called Andrew “the worst American stereotype.” (To which many people would reply, “Have you ever seen Joey Gaffes trying to read a teleprompter, or AOC trying to explain economics, or Michael Moore trying to eat a turkey leg the size of his head while being interviewed on a red carpet at Cannes? Now THOSE are terrible American stereotypes!”)
My favorite comment came from someone named Krutika Kuppalli, who chided Andrew for not mitigating. Not because the comment was helpful, but because her name sounds like the scariest disease ever.
As in, “If doctors aren’t able to contain the krutika kuppalli outbreak in Ghana, it’s going to make dengue fever look like housemaid’s knee!”
But lest you think that all of the news was bad, or that there is no Democrat whom I could support, let me end with the story of Michigan state representative Jewell Jones, an attractive, clean-cut, African-American young man.
This guy is my kind of Democrat, because he’s 100% authentic. I don’t like pols like Obama or Biden, who run as moderates (“there’s no red states and blue states, just the United States!”) and then govern like the leftists they are.
That’s not Jewell. He’s as transparent as Elizabeth Warren is translucent (#wemustneverstopmockingher).
Sure, he may have had a run-in or two with Johnny Law, as when he drove drunk, crashed into a ditch, assaulted a paramedic and then resisted arrest. He refused to show ID, then flashed a badge from the Inkster Police Department. (Spoiler alert: he is not a cop.)
Then, like a young Hunter Biden when caught with meth and hookers but no laptop, he threatened to call in the Big Guy. Or in this case, the Big Gal, i.e. Michigan dictator and finalist in the “Worst Governor in the Country” competition, Gretchen Whitmer.
“I’ll call Gov. Whitmer right now,” he threatened. “When I call Gretchen, I need you all’s IDs and badges [sic].” He went on to say, “It’s not going to be good for you; I run you all budget, bro [sic]…. You all don’t know who you all are dealing with, bro.”
I know what you’re thinking: this arrogant jerk sounds like half the pols in DC. What makes him so special?
I left out the best part. Because his latest trouble arises from a scandal in which he spent campaign funds at a strip club. Again, not that unusual – and I’d rather see taxpayer dollars used to make it rain on the main stage than funding Antifa and critical race theory classes, for example.
But the beautiful thing about Jewell Jones – and what makes him the archetypal Dem pol – is his reaction to the charges that he spent campaign cash on strippers. He said, “We have to meet people where they’re at sometimes.”
Yes! And sometimes where they’re at happens to be twerking over your lap in the champagne room! What’s he supposed to do? NOT stick taxpayer dollars into his constituents’ g-strings? That’s just rude!
And then he made his closing argument, claiming that it wasn’t all about the ogling, and stating that the establishment in question has – and I quote – “great lamb chops.”
My first thought was that you don’t eat strip club lamb chops any more than you eat gas station sushi.
But then I remembered that I’m a gentleman, and I’ve been married for 30+ years, and so am not up on all of the cool youngsters’ lingo. Could “lamb chops” be a euphemism in this case?
It doesn’t sound like it. I can’t imagine overhearing someone saying, “Check out the lamb chops on our waitress!”
But then again, I have heard of a “rack of lamb.” Coincidence?
Anyway, that’s less than one day’s headlines from one webpage. Covering these boneheads is looking like more than a full-time job. Luckily, I’m a working dog, not a show dog.
So I guess I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.
But pass on the lamb chops.
Avenatti/ Kuppalli 2024!