College Football Returns, Hacky Psaki Still Confused, & Handsy Toobin is Back! (posted 9/6/13)

This weekend marks the return of college football, which this year was especially fun because of how it drove the wokesters crazy.  Some football fans posted a video of the Virginia Tech Hokies’ pre-game ritual of playing Metallica’s Enter Sandman to get the crowd whipped up for the team’s entrance, and it was beautiful to behold.

It featured a great heavy metal guitar line – Suck it Taliban, you music-prohibiting lunatics! – and visuals of football fans and combat-fatigue-wearing military members going nuts, with the crowd pulsating in the stands, and portable bleachers rocking up and down in time to the music. 

So naturally, a cross-section of lefty doom-mongers took to the web to shriek about how evil football fans are going to kill us all.  ALL, I TELL’S YA!

A Georgetown prof you’ve never heard of moaned, “How is this nation cheering football when it hasn’t even mourned 647K dead and counting?”

Washed-up actress Debra Messing said, “This is terrifying.”  An MSNBC hosts let his literally dozens of viewers know that, “This is why we can’t have nice things – or end this damn plague.”

My favorite was a little charmer called – I’m not making this up – Walker Bragman.  Which sounds like a self-parodying name.   And I’ll put this delicately: no one will ever get Walker Bragman and Walker, Texas Ranger mixed up.

When I first glanced at his Twitter tag, I thought it identified him as a journalist, lawyer, and cartoon.  But upon closer inspection, that last one is “cartoonist.”  So, only 2 strikes for ol’ Walker.

Anyway, Walker is way smarter than you – just ask him.  And he’s also an archetypal lefty, in that he thinks that Washington DC should be the boss of all of us: “We are in a global public health crisis.  Our federal government should not be letting this s**t happen.”  ‘

Ooh, I’d love to see Walker’s little fantasy come true, and watch the feds try to stop millions of football fans from enjoying God’s favorite sport.  The only federal agency that would have even the slightest chance would be the military, and that wouldn’t work, for two reasons:

  1. Our Cadaver-in-Chief just gave the Taliban most of their weapons.
  2. Most of the military are football fans, and as soon as they got into the stadium, they’d be head-banging to Enter Sandman.

But I guess Walker could try to rally his own forces.  He could gather Debra Messing, Michael Moore, Tony Faux-ci and Bradley Manning, plus an army of grievance studies profs, performance artists, drag queens and trans-vegans, and storm the field, buoyed by their towering self-righteousness. 

They could charge in to one of their favorite songs – maybe the Russian national anthem, or “Imagine,” or “It’s Raining Men?”     

We could call it the Wokies vs. the Hokies, and I would pay to watch that!

By the way, obscure Georgetown prof, I don’t think I caught your outraged comments when Barry Obama threw himself a gigantic party on Martha’s Vineyard, or when Imhotep Pelosi had a huge fundraising dinner for a crowd of Democrat moneybags in CA, and the only ones at either shindig wearing masks were the servants.

I mean sure, Pelosi is probably immune.  After all, she lived through the Nile River Plague, the Tigris Trembling Fever, and the outbreak of Scarab Sickness in 2134 BC, 1904 BC, and 1638 BC respectively.  But still.

Somehow I don’t think that Georgetown goofball wrote any hysterical tweets along the lines of, “How can a vain ex-president throw himself a non-distanced, maskless party during a pandemic?!”  Or, “How can a dessicated succubus like Nancy Pelosi shakedown a morally vacuous bunch of 1%-er leftist exploiters while 647,000 corpses are rotting in the streets?  Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”

Speaking of arrogant hypocrites, did you catch Hacky Psaki’s snotty reply – in the wake of the Texas abortion law — to a logical question from a Catholic male reporter about how oh-so-Catholic Joey Gaffes could support abortion?

First the Hackster gave the anti-science party line, saying that a fetus “is a woman’s body, and it’s her choice.”   

Then she was interrupted by a phone call from 8th grade biology class, which informed her that if an entity has separate heart beats and brain waves and different DNA, it’s NOT someone else’s body. 

No sooner had she pretended that her cell service was bad and killed the call, then another call came in, this one from the last 8 months.  It asked if she was the one who’d been insisting that if some politicians who wouldn’t know a fudgsicle from a rectal thermometer decide that you need to take multiple vaccines and boosters, and cover your face with a mask when you’re having carnal relations with your spouse, it may be your body, but it is most definitely NOT your choice.  

Rattled, Psaki snapped at the reporter: “I know you’ve never faced those choices, nor have you ever been pregnant, but for women out there who have faced those choices, this is an incredibly difficult thing…”

At that moment, I wished I were a reporter in that room, so I could have replied, “For the last month you kept assuring American citizens and our allies in Afghanistan that you would not abandon them there.  I know you’ve never faced those choices, nor have you ever had your fate in the hands of a FDR POC (“feckless, dementia-ridden piece of crap,” for those of you who didn’t catch my last column).  But for those gullible enough to have trusted you, this is an incredibly difficult thing.”

Also, “I know that you never worked hard and saved money and took a financial risk to buy and manage rental property, but for landlords out there who have taken those risks, your boss’ arbitrary decision to force them to allow squatters to live in their properties until they are bankrupt makes for an incredibly difficult time.”

I would also have taken a swing at the slow pitch that Psaki left over the plate: “Excuse me, but did you just suggest that abortion is only a women’s issue?  Haven’t you and your co-religionists been lecturing us for years that men can have babies too?”  

For now, CO Nation, I’m keeping my pronouns as thee/thou – and for those of you who missed earlier columns but wisely don’t want to offend my delicate sensibilities, my noun is “Your Excellency,” my adjectives are “brilliant” and “handsome,” and my adverb is “stunningly.”

But the minute I decide to change them to she/her, I’ll click my heels together and become a birthing person, and at that moment, I will gain instant credibility to discuss abortion.  And I won’t need any cis-gender, woman-splaining condescension from Jen Freaking Psaki, thank you very much!   

But Psaki wasn’t the only leftist to wax indignant about impediments to abortion; CNN trotted out Jeffrey Toobin to get all red in the face about what an outrage the Texas law is. 

You may remember that the last time Jeffrey Toobin got all red in the face….

Let me start over.  Toobin’s most famous contribution to journalism is the time last year when he was on a Zoom call with a lot of our other moral betters from the leftist MSM, and he got caught pleasuring himself. 

So your first thought may be, “Hey, what kind of expertise can this guy have on abortion?  It’s not like his love life could ever result in a pregnancy, right?”

Sadly, wrong.  Because his OTHER most famous contribution to journalism was about a decade ago, when he was married to one woman, but having affairs with an unknown number of others.  One of those was a much younger woman, the daughter of one of his MSM colleagues, Jeff Greenfield.  She was reportedly working as a “fact checker” for Glamour magazine at the time. 

And if you’re thinking that nothing says “glamour” more than sneaking around with a cheating little married schlub and friend of your dad, I don’t understand you. 

Also, I’d never heard what she did called “fact checking” before.  But then again, I’d never heard the euphemism “strip club lamb chops” before, either.  (You’re missing a lot of useful information if you don’t go back and read my past columns.)

Anyway, the girl got pregnant, and Toobin – being the gentleman he is – offered to pay for an abortion.  When she wouldn’t, he told her that “she would regret it, and that she shouldn’t expect any help from him.”  He also denied paternity until a DNA test proved it, and even after he was ordered to pay child support, he refused to pay up until the woman’s lawyer threatened to tell his employers and have his wages garnished.   

Now if you’re a producer for some left-wing talking heads show, and you’re looking for a guest to act outraged about the issue of abortion, is THIS jackass the guy you’d pick?   And yet, that’s what they did.

To Toobin’s credit, I noticed that he kept both hands on the table during each of his pundit appearances.  (FYI, you could come up with a lot worse euphemisms for Toobin’s favorite hobby than “polling the little pundit.”)  

But the producers weren’t taking any chances, I’m guessing because they wanted to make sure that Tooby didn’t “check any of his own facts,” if you catch my subtle meaning.  

So every table that he sat at during his commentary? 

Glass top.

You stay classy, MSM.

Avenatti/Jeffrey “the one-armed bandit” Toobin, 2024!

One thought on “College Football Returns, Hacky Psaki Still Confused, & Handsy Toobin is Back! (posted 9/6/13)”

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