I’m afraid that I may recently have begun to depress many of you dear readers.
In past columns, I’ve felt it necessary to point out that our president is a mostly dead Crypt-Keeper/Walter-puppet hybrid, and that the Speaker of the House is a desiccated mummy reawakened from the bowels of a pyramid to walk forth and frighten us all with her eerily lifeless expression. And that inflation has begun to run rampant and unchecked through the economy like STDs in Hollywood.
I’ve had to admit that our generals are spineless, our politicians are feckless, our borders are borderless and our laws appear useless.
But today is a new day. It’s October, the beginning of my favorite time of the year.
Acres of Christmas trees have only been displayed at Lowes for a month or so, and already it is starting to feel like fall is here. Football is being played at packed stadiums all over the nation, and soothing chants of, “Friend Joe Biden… clap, clap… clapclapclap” are falling gentle on my ears.
Coincidentally, the mountains of covid-riddled corpses that Dr. Faux-ci warned us would surely follow if we began watching sports in large groups have failed to materialize. Again!
So I’m here to bring a little joy to your lives, by surveying the mountain of horse-Schumer that is our political news and finding a few ponies in there.
Good News Story #1: Actual racism in America is at such a low ebb that desperate leftist racial arsonists continue to resort to creating race hoaxes to keep the pathetic, flickering flame of their malevolence alive.
The latest example comes from a St. Louis high school, where anti-black graffiti was written in school bathrooms on September 23rd, prompting administrators and students to say, “Hey, wait a minute. What if this is a manipulative hoax, perpetrated by woke morons, like the last several hundred such incidents? We should investigate this rationally, waiting until we get all of the facts before we make fools of ourselves in our haste to believe the worst about our fellow citizens and nation!”
HA! I kid!
More than 1000 gullible and poorly raised students staged a walk-out and chanted senseless slogans to express their outrage, while craven administrators obsequiously cheered them on, like the adults in that Twilight Zone episode in which Billy Mumy was wishing people who displeased him out into the cornfield.
Annnnnddddd… 3… 2… 1…
Surprise! A non-white kid wrote the graffiti.
After which the students said, “Whew! It’s a relief to discover that we live in a place where so little racism exists that it needs to be faked by idiots.” And administrators said, “We’re going to learn from this debacle, and be way less stupid in the future.”
HA! I kid yet again.
The protesters were not deterred by reality slapping them in the face. One said that while it was “embarrassing” that the slurs were written by a black student, “school officials should still work to establish a clearer policy to prevent racism.”
Translation: Sure, this non-existent event did not happen, but we need to spend a bunch of time and effort to create policies to prevent things that didn’t happen from not not-happening again in the future.
Not willing to be outdone in the Delusion Derby, Superintendent Keith Marty (who once again proves the old adage that you should never trust a man with two first names), though forced to tell parents that the white klansman in this case turned out to be a black kid, was quick to mewl out some praise for the baseless and pointless student protest: “Students proactively led walkouts at multiple Parkway high schools and in these moments, many students shared personal experiences of racism throughout their lives and at school,” he wrote.
I can only hope for those students’ sake that the personal experiences of racism that they shared are as real and impactful as the non-event that was not done by the phantom white bigots who were not haunting their high school bathrooms.
Good news story #2 – Democrat leaders fight amongst themselves over trillions in ruinous spending that they want to foist on America.
Not since the Iran/Iraq war have I enjoyed an internecine brawl this much.
The far left Squadsters are outraged that the only insanely-left “moderates” don’t want to destroy the nation’s economy over 18 months, but are stubbornly holding onto their own political motto: “We will lay waste to the USA in 36 months, and not one day sooner!”
Biden wandered into the donnybrook, figured out that both sides were screaming stale slogans at each other, and hollered, “Tippecanoe and Tyler too! Come on, man! 23 skiddoo!”
Then he wandered into the corner and started stroking the leaves of a fake plant that he mistook for a young staffer, muttering about how she sure smelled good, and did he ever tell her about the time he whipped Corn Pop with a car antenna he tore off a Stutz Bearcat in the autumn of 19-clickety-clack?
The latest report is that Imhotep Pelosi told the radicals that they needed to pocket the 1.9 trillion for the non-infrastructure-related “infrastructure” bill BEFORE they pushed for the 3.5 trillion “Bad-Faith Drunken-Sailor Spenda-palooza Budget Devastator Bill of 2021.”
AOC threatened to take her hammer and sickle and go home. Then she flopped on the floor, kicking her feet and holding her breath until her face turned as blue as the idiotic district that sent her to congress.
I say we hand both sides a skillet, a rolling pin, and any other blunt objects within reach, then grab some popcorn – and some Scotch, which we just happen to have nearby – and sit back and cheer them on.
Good news story #3 provides the reddest of red flag warnings about the consequence of leftist governance of big cities, this time from Chicago.
Let’s play a little game. Let’s assume that you’re Lori Lightfoot, and that someone in the mayor’s office in Chicago said, “Beetlejuice!” three times, and so you found yourself in that room, as the mayor. You got elected mostly because you are not white, and you like the ladies.
And before you can say something snarky, I know: that applies to Bill Cosby and Robert Mugabe too. But neither of them were available, and so the Dems in Chicago elected you.
And now, for reasons nobody can figure out, black Chicagoans are dying in droves amidst a hail of gunfire that only slows down when the temperature drops below zero. The killings have continued despite the fact that you’ve taken all the logical actions that the leftist brain-trust has advised:
You’ve denounced the police, and cut their funding, and done everything you could to make their jobs harder.
You’ve denounced the white nationalism of the black street gangs doing most of the killing.
You’ve raised taxes.
You’ve dropped ominous hints about sinister Indiana gun-running syndicates.
You’ve blamed Donald Trump.
And STILL nothing has helped. So it’s time to get serious. To think outside of the box, and try some innovative solutions.
Do you:
- Re-fund the police and encourage them to increase arrests?
- Urge judges to crack down on the criminals who are caught shooting Chicagoans?
- Rescind your counter-productive anti-gun laws, and encourage citizens to fight back?
- Install bleeding control kits throughout the city.
If you picked any choice except “D,” you know nothing about the way Dems govern.
I am not making this story up: the party that runs Chicago is installing over 400 “wall-mounted bleeding control kits” all over the city. According to one report, “each of the kits contains enough supplies to treat eight victims, with tourniquets, gauze, shears, gloves and an instruction manual.”
First, 400 kits, each capable of treating 8 victims? Hmm. Hold on a second while I do the math on that… 8 times 400… consider the draconian gun control laws in Chicago, which should produce a ratio of criminals with guns to non-criminals with guns to around 8521 to 1… that supply should last… carry the 6…
Three weekends. Those kits will last three weekends. Unless there is an unusual, early cold snap and the action on the automatic pistols starts to frost up and jam.
In which case: four weekends.
Second, each kit contains an “instruction manual?” These dopes do realize that the Chicagoans who will be using these kits were mostly educated in Dem-controlled public schools, right?
You might want to try some emojis or pictograms in those manuals.
Also, if the first sentence in the manual isn’t, “As soon as you’ve got the bleeding temporarily stopped, head for the closest red state you can find pronto!” somebody has made a mistake.
Because I am as generous as the day is long, I’d like to offer my services to the city of Chicago, pro bono. I would love to write those instruction manuals for them.
I’ve already gotten a rough draft started:
“Welcome to Chicago! The Windy City, the City of the Big Shoulders! Hog Butcher to the World — no offense, vegans!
If you’re reading this manual, you’ve probably been in town for 15 minutes, and have thus been shot. Sorry about that!
Now, you might be tempted to call the cops or an ambulance, but that won’t work. Because even if the thug who shot you didn’t steal your cell phone, there are only 14 cops left in the city, and they’re in mandatory meetings to study the origin of white rage. And the ambulances won’t leave the garage without a police escort.
So it’s up to you. But luckily, we’ve got your back.
I mean, unless the bullet is actually in your back, in which case you’re screwed.
But if the bullet is in your front, where you can get at the wound, answer these simple triage questions to determine what to do next:
- Am I a vegan? If so, my weak, watery blood and my anemia mean that I’m going to die, even if it’s only a superficial flesh wound. I should close my eyes and make my peace with Gaia.
- Is the bullet lodged in my genitals? If so, I should immediately begin to identify as an a-sexual non-binary person, or possibly as Gavin Newsom, in which case my smooth, featureless plastic crotch area will allow me to feel no pain.
- Is the blood that I’m losing coming out in an arterial spray, so forceful that it is drenching the bodies of the other, surrounding victims who arrived in Chicago ten minutes before I did, and are thus already enveloped in the sweet embrace of death? If so, I should close my eyes and join them.
- If the wound is only oozing blood, you still have a chance. Please turn on the accompanying dvd of the movie Ronin, and fast forward to minute 57. This is the scene where Robert DeNiro lays on a table, looking at his wound in a mirror while instructing the French guy how to remove the bullet. After watching that scene, if your vision isn’t graying out, look around for a passing French guy who happens to have a mirror with him…
And, scene.
You’re probably asking how this last story can be considered a “good news” story.
I don’t have a great answer, other than “the voters of Dem-run cities are getting what they voted for. Good and hard.”
Meanwhile, in Florida, we have also been issued emergency kits, for use if a criminal tries to attack us.
The kits consist of a series of different-sized corks – which we can toss to the criminal as he lies on the ground writhing, with the suggestion that he check whether any of the corks will fit the holes that we just shot into him – and two pennies.
Which, if our aim was better, we can place on the criminal’s closed eyes before we call the cops and the hearse.
Avenatti/French character actor with the sterile tweezers, 2024!
Martin Simpson 