One Day’s Insane Headlines (posted 9/27/21)

As regular readers may know, when I’m not being called a hilarious genius, or a Man for All Times, I’m often being called the Hardest Working Man in Snark Business.

Actually – and tragically, really – I’m never called those last two.  Because the world is not fair.

But luckily for all of us, I don’t have to work that hard to find mock-worthy stories amidst the fire-drill-at-the-clown-college-crossed-with-a-meth-lab-explosion that is our current political and cultural climate during the Biden administration.

A case in point is the following rash of stories, all plucked from just one day’s headlines in Breitbart, from the comfort of my recliner, my faithful Wonder Dog at my side:

1.A poll showed that “only 49 percent of registered voters” think that Biden has sufficient “mental soundness” to be president.  That’s a shocking finding, considering the crucial role played by the occupant of the position of most powerful man in the world.

What’s even more shocking?  That 49% of registered voters apparently don’t have televisions or the internet, or are suffering the throes of debilitating mental illness, or are blood relatives of Joe Biden.

In related news, the MVP of this administration so far has got to be the guy who keeps killing the microphone during Biden’s Q&A sessions.  Now that ex-Gov Cuomo has had to return his Emmy, I suggest that we give it to Plug-Puller-Guy. 

We only need to replace the engraving saying, “Best Performance by a Grandma-Killing, Butt-Grabbing Narcissist,” with one reading, “Lifetime Achievement Award in Sparing us Angry, Incoherent Ramblings.”

2. Speaking of incoherence, Women’s Health magazine just put Que-Mala and her beta male husband on its cover, accompanied by a sickeningly saccharine story inside in which a “body language expert” analyzed photos of them to prove how deeply in love they are. 

The poor guy’s grown son claims that “the couple is still in the honeymoon stage eight years after meeting.”  He also says that “Doug and Kamala together are like almost vomit-inducingly cute and coupley.” 

You had us at “vomit-inducingly.”  And then you went so, so wrong.

Just a reminder: Melania Trump, a world-famous supermodel whose walks to Air Force One had to be measured on the Kelvin scale to determine her hotness, never got a single magazine photo cover in the four years she was married to the president.  

But Willie Brown’s ex-doormat and her miserable, eunuch-ian Steadman stand-in get a cover.

3. One headline later: “New York Times calls Jill Biden a “doctor,” but not Rand Paul, who is Actually a Doctor.”  The story is about what you’d expect.  When the NYT is covering an actual MD who isn’t a leftist, they call him, “Mr. Paul.

But when a phony snoot like Joe Biden’s widow is discussed, she’s a “doctor.”  Never mind that an EdD is just this side of an honorary doctorate – like the ones that Bill Cosby was given, for example.

Jill Biden is a doctor the same way that Captain Kangaroo and Colonel Sanders are West Pointers and Medal of Honor winners.  But you’d never know that from her fawning media coverage.

Poor, empty-headed Whoopi Goldberg believed what she read, gushing that “Dr.” Biden should be the Surgeon General, because “she’s one hell of a doctor!” 

I’ve read excerpts from Biden’s “dissertation,” a turgid bouilliabaisse of banalities and filler on the subject of “Student retention at the Community College Level.”  I’ll save you the trouble of reading it by writing my own abstract:  Her position on student retention at community colleges is that she’s for it. 

You’re welcome.

4. In example 4,398 of elitist lefties forcing the peons to wear masks while they themselves galavant around bare-faced and shameless, San Francisco mayor London Breed was the latest offender.

The only thing Breed has going for her is her name, which would be great for either a British garage band, or a race horse.  Unfortunately, she is as socially useful as neither of those.

Breed spent a night partying at a nightclub called the Black Cat.  (Which somehow has to be racist in a town like San Francisco, doesn’t it?) A local reporter noticed her, and asked about the masklessness.  Breed’s answer was a one-two punch of non-sequiturs and point-missing: she said that everyone in the place had to show proof of vaccination, and insisted that “I’ve been very careful, not just because I want to set an example, but because I don’t want to get COVID.” 

Many critics said, “You’re being ‘careful’ and ‘setting an example’ by NOT wearing a mask?”

Breed then doubled down on her arrogant stupidity, saying that she did “everything I thought was appropriate.”  (Try that the next time a cop pulls you over: “I think that it is appropriate to drive 60 in a 30 mph zone while texting and tossing back a rum-and-coke.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on my way to a party.”)

Then she said, “We don’t need the fun police to come in and micromanage and tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing.”

Whereupon the ghost of Sam Kinison appeared from amidst a ball of flame and smoke and said, “So you don’t like micromanaging now?!  You’ve been doing nothing but micromanaging and telling people what to do for 16 months!  Have you seen your city’s official seal?!  It’s a mustachioed guy in a leather cop outfit and assless chaps, mounting the Golden Gate bridge over the motto, ‘We will micromanage the Schumer out of you!’  OH you hypocrite!  OH!  OHHH!”

Breed also explained that she was “feeling the spirit,” and “wasn’t thinking about a mask.”

Well, why didn’t you say so?  I mean, once you’ve evoked the “feeling the spirit” defense, I guess we’re done here. 

Finally, #5:  The New York Times and Boston Globe published a puff piece on Jen “Hacky” Psaki, as if she hasn’t been a terrible spokes-goof for a horrible administration.

The article praised her as “straightforward” and “professional.”  How straightforward can she be if she is constantly “circling back?”  That’s the opposite of “straightforward,” isn’t it? 

The article’s author wrote about how Psaki is always, “crisp and precise in her answers.”  I am not making that actual quote up.  Or this one: “Ms. Psaki, in her speaking style, is a contrast to Mr. Biden and his circuitous folksiness.”   

Ohhhh-kay.  I guess you could say that lying clearly is a contrast to lying slurringly…

And “circuitous folksiness?!”

I think you spelled, “demented word salad” wrong.

It’s hard to believe they’re writing about the same mendacious, dead-eyed, short-tempered goon we see on tv every day, trying to clean up after the latest meandering tripe from her boss. 

I’m not saying that watching her horrific performances has totally creeped me out.  I’ll just say that I used to laugh off that old saw about how gingers have no soul. 

But Hacky Psaki has got me reconsidering that.

Remember: those were stories from just one day!

It’s been a long 4 years, and it’s only been 32 weeks.

Secretariat/London Breed 2024!

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