Biden’s Bowels, Microsoft Wokesters, & Racist Roads (posted 11/12/21)

I hope everyone had a contemplative Veteran’s Day.  I binge-watched Band of Brothers for what must be the 12th time at least, and was once again struck by the huge gulf between the amazing valor of so many people who have fought and died for this country, and the vast army of undeserving whiners who will never acknowledge how indebted they are to our military and their sacrifices.

Speaking of whiners, at this point it almost seems unfair to be rhetorically kicking the Biden administration and our leftist elites.  They provide such a target-rich environment, and they are so pathetic and incompetent, and their future is so bleak that one almost feels sorry for them. 

Almost.

But I’m trying to find some comedy in this farce, partly to lower my own blood pressure, and partly to entertain the fine people in CO nation who seem to enjoy watching our oppressors get the verbal rib kicks that they so richly deserve.

I’ve been taking a few notes over just a few days, and I’ve already got several columns’ worth of material.  I’ll hold off on the Rittenhouse stuff – which is a rich vein all by itself! – until Monday, and take a quick romp through a few other stories that caught my attention, and triggered my gag reflex.

First, Joe Biden has a serious problem with his sphincter. 

And that’s not a subtle set-up for a Comma-La/Que Mala joke.  I don’t mean the metaphorical, political sphincter that he picked for a running mate.  I mean the actual orifice.

Multiple reports from the foreign press claim that Joey Gaffes had a bathroom accident during his meeting with the pope, necessitating the killing of a live video feed, followed by frantic cries of whatever is Italian for, “Clean-up on aisle 7!”

A day or two later, during a meeting with Camilla Bowles, Boris Johnson and some other British big shots, Biden is reported to have crop dusted the crowned heads with a particularly impressive (dare I say “long-winded”?) bout of flatulence. 

Or, as it is colloquially known in my house, he “pulled a Swalwell.”

Even bringing this up feels a bit like responding to Biden’s low blow with one of my own.  (HA!)  Because all of us who are lucky enough to live very long lives will likely end up watching infomercials for walk-in tubs and Life Alert bracelets, and using coupons for bulk purchases of Depends.

But you know what we won’t be doing in that phase of our lives?  Abandoning Americans in Afghanistan, destroying the economy, paying illegals for breaking our laws, and abusing as much authoritarian power over free citizens as we can get our hands on.

Remember when leftists called Reagan “an amiable dunce?”  Never mind that that was a lie told by small people. 

But after seeing the last 128 months of Joe Biden – a malevolent dunce; an incontinent dunce; a dunce that graduated at the bottom of his class in Dunce School – wouldn’t it be a refreshing change if the dunce in the white house were at least amiable?  Is that too much to ask?

Speaking of clueless dopes who are full of it, did you see the video of the Microsoft wokesters’ training video?

It was hilariously stupid for two main reasons.  First, all of the speakers introduced themselves by name, followed by giving a description of themselves and the clothes they were wearing, and the (ugh!) pronouns they go by.

The company says that they are giving the physical descriptions for the benefit of the “blind-as-a-bat” community.

Sorry, that’s “differently sighted.”  Or maybe “ocularly challenged.”

But why?  What difference should your appearance make in this context?  Is your blathering on about synergy or horizontal integration or the onboarding timeline going to be any more or less insufferable because of the color of your dress? 

For that matter, what if some of your ophthalmically non-conforming audience have been blind from birth, and have no idea what a red dress looks like?  And spoiler alert, if you’re a male who lists female pronouns but sounds like James Earl Jones, you’re fooling no one.  

Even the blind can see through that!

Interestingly, the male co-leader says, “I’m Nic Fillingham, and I’m a caucasian man with a beard, I go by he/him, and I’m a security evangelist here at Microsoft.”

Let’s skip right past the obvious: if “security evangelist” is your job description, you have made a terrible career mistake.

But if you’ve watched this, I’ll bet something else struck you, too.  The guy chooses as his follicular description, “I’ve got a beard.”

Millions of men have beards, but this guy is really burying the lede, because he also has… A MOHAWK!

You heard me.  The guy’s got a hairstyle that is worn by no one but some long-dead Mohawk Indians (of course), Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver, a handful of special forces bad-asses, and Elizabeth Warren.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But he’s going with the beard as his main descriptor.

Speaking of questionable Indians, a following segment starts with a lady who says this, which I swear I am not making up, even though I am guessing at many spellings, since I have a life to live, and it’s not worth my time to look these things up: 

“First, we want to acknowledge that the land where the Microsoft campus is situated was traditionally occupied by the Summamish, the Duomish, the Snoquami, the Suquamish, the Muckleshoot, the Snohomish, the Tulayla and other coast Saylish peoples since time immemorial. A people that are still here, who continue to honor, and bring to light, their ancient heritage.”

Yes, they’ve been bringing tons of light to their ancient heritage.  Which is why you’ve never heard of any of these tribes before. 

You have heard of tribes like the Apache, Comanche and Sioux.  And that’s because they were impressive warriors, and when they sent scouts out into the plains, they reported back that the land was occupied by the Summamish and the Duomish, and some squaw named Tulayla, everyone snickered. 

And the chief said, “Okay, bring me my third best horse and my rustiest old tomahawk.  It ought to take us about 10 minutes to send these goofy tribes packing.”

And that is how those tribes were driven to the west coast, where they ended up surrounded by hipster doofi with ironic facial hair and insufferable personalities.

If I had to guess, I’d say that half of those tribe names are made up.  I’m pretty sure that Snoquami and Snohomie are a couple of rappers who have had some run-ins with the law.  And I know that Muckleshoot was a character in a Dr. Suess book!

I think he really gave the Sneetches a hard time for a while there.

Or were the Sneetches one of the tribes that Microsoft displaced?

The whole thing is so stupid.  If Microsoft really gave a Sneetch’s arse about Snoquami and ‘Lil Wayne, they’d give them the high-tech campus and their land back. 

Instead, they just give a meaningless shout out to Snohomie and keep right on pursuing their evil, evil profits!   

Ugh!  Isn’t there at least one person at Microsoft with enough self-respect and common sense to realize that he’s wasting his time, and willing to go out dramatically, by standing up to this woke foolishness?

I’m almost tempted to try to get a job at Microsoft myself, just so I could maneuver myself into position to sabotage their next idiotic video.

“My name is Martin, I’m a ruggedly handsome white man with dreamy green eyes and abs for days.  If you can see me, I don’t need to say what I’m wearing, and if you can’t, it doesn’t make any difference.  But because I know what you are all wondering: boxers.  Also, my eyes are up here, ladies.  My pronouns are “thee/thou,” and my noun is “Your Excellency.”  Now let’s get on with this moronic exercise in corporate virtue signaling and time wasting.”

Finally, you may have missed Mayor Pete’s most recent press conference.  Yes, he’s back from paternity leave to take over our transportation system again.  And just in time!

You probably think that he’d be focused like a laser on the gigantic supply chain debacle that has mortally wounded our economy.  But you’d be wrong.  Because he’s got REAL issues to deal with!

Issues such as: How did our roads get to be so racist, and what can we do about it?

I’m not kidding.  A dullard with a journalist’s credential actually asked post-pregnancy Pete (he’s already lost a lot of the baby weight!) what he was going to do to “deconstruct the racism that was built into the roadways.”

Instead of doing what a minimally sane person would, and saying, “That may be the dumbest thing I’ve heard since AOC’s last tweet,” Pete humored that lunatic, and babbled for several minutes about how the thought of racist roads keeps him up at night.

Before you dismiss him as a complete loon, consider these actual facts that I turned up in my extensive research on this topic.  Did you know that Interstate 65 once owned slaves?  That’s right.  In fact, that one road sired 14 illegitimate lanes and boulevards with its slaves.  I bet you never heard about that in your so-called “history” books, did you?

Also, it’s even worse than that, because many of the offspring of those racist roads were stigmatized because of their mixed heritage.  In fact, they were often called hurtful names such as – brace yourself — “blacktop.”  And do you think it’s a coincidence that even to this day, we spray those beautiful, strong black surfaces with WHITE LINES?! 

Thank God that today we know better, and are doing everything we can to ease the pain of those African-American-top roads.

And that’s to say nothing of the injustice that drove many of our roads to drug use – where do you think the name,“highways” came from? – and to suffer discrimination because of their sexual orientation?  That’s right: won’t anyone think of the poor “bi-ways?”

I just hope that Mayor Pete is up to this big job.  Because as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions!

Along with lots and lots of racism.

Avenatti/Muckleshoot 2024!

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