First, as my New Year’s gift to you, I’ve posted a pic from several years ago of Cassie and I getting ready to take a drive around our college town with the top down. “Have you trained her to bark viciously at every college kid in a Che Guevara t-shirt?” you don’t need to ask, because you already know. To see that pic, go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com after you finish this column.
Here are some recent stories, with no thematic coherence other than “mockable people or events.”
In late December, Business Insider ran a story on a dilemma facing the dim-bulbs on the View. Full Disclosure: I’ve never watched the View, other than posted excerpts of times the View-sters embarrassed themselves with idiotic comments, delivered idiotically. (So, no more than 12 times per week.)
The story’s headline is, “The View is struggling to find a conservative woman who won’t get hostile debating the show’s liberal co-hosts.”
I know what you’re thinking, because I am too: you had me at “The View is struggling….”
But if you’re ever on Jeopardy, competing against a “woman” with the jawline of a young Kirk Douglas and the shoulders of an interior lineman from TCU, and the category is “Hilariously Oblivious Media Stories,” put this story in the form of a question.
And then stand back, while your dainty opponent smashes “her” podium with “her” ham-hock-sized fists in Hulkian frustration.
Imagine the conundrum facing those low-IQ leftist ladies. (Alliteration for 100, Alex—AHH! Keep that “woman” away from me! I’m like a frail Fay Wray in her vise-like, hairy-knuckled grip!!”)
They’re searching for someone, as one of their former staffers put it – “who is going to fight – but not too hard, because they don’t want it to be ugly and bickering.”
Again, you and I are on the same page: If you’re trying to remove “ugly and bickering” from the View, good luck!
I don’t know how those producers cannot tell that they’re fighting a losing battle. They’re looking for an impossibility: a conservative co-host who can lose fair arguments to leftist harpies. Current host Sunny Hostin put it best: “Right now, we still do need a really conservative voice. I also believe it’s really important to not have someone on the panel who spreads misinformation, who adheres to the big lies, who is an anti-vaxxer, because I think that’s dangerous.”
In other words, “I believe a bunch of wrong stuff, and I also believe that correct beliefs are dangerous misinformation and lies. Now find me someone who disagrees with me, but who won’t look smarter than me or prove me wrong.”
I am reminded of Adam Carolla’s observation about two of the View hosts — and another leftist human toothache — which I will paraphrase: there is no greater gap between the happiness of the names and the grimness of the person in real life than Joy Reid, Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg. Joy, Joy and Whoopi sound great… the reality is that all three are miserable!
I winced when I came across this grim headline on Breitbart: “White House Sending Dr. Jill Biden to Comfort Kentucky Tornado Survivors.”
I know: haven’t those beleaguered Kentuckians suffered enough?
I picture them being told that a famous female doctor is coming to see them, and some of them saying, “Great! Maybe she’ll be able to look over our family’s x-rays and blood work and confirm that we’re getting top-notch treatment for our injuries sustained when our house collapsed on us.” Or, “I hope she’s a psychiatrist or psychologist, and can help us come to terms with the PTSD arising from our horrible trauma.”
And then they find out that it’s Dr. Jill, and the only help she can give is to reassure them that increasing retention at their local junior college is a great idea.
I’m reminded of the Simpson’s episode when the townspeople had wanted a statue to great Republican president Abraham Lincoln. But the town budget was tiny, and so, at the unveiling, they found a statue of Jimmy Carter, standing on a base proclaiming, “Malaise Forever.” One disappointed citizen plaintively says, “Aww, come on!” And another points an accusing finger and proclaims, “He’s history’s greatest monster!”
And the town wisely and justifiably knocks down the statue and peacefully riots.
And no, in case Tim Hardcastle is still around to fact-check my columns, I’m not saying that Dr. Jill Biden is history’s greatest monster.
Am I saying that she may have married history’s greatest monster? Ummm…
Turning to a much happier story out of the UK’s Daily Mail, Imhotep Pelosi is expected to fall down next year, clearing the way for a “civil war” between the far left and lunatic left fringes of the Democrat party.
I’m sorry, that was “step down,” not “fall down.” But the result will hopefully be the same: a fratricidal battle between groups of outraged leftists that produces many casualties on both sides, and a weakened surviving coalition that is certain to repulse more average Americans than they are repulsing now, if such a thing is possible.
Not since the Iran/Iraq war of the 1980s have I looked forward to a conflict so much. I say we goad both sides on to escalate the battle!
Another feel-good Breitbart story tells of a recent encounter in the City of Brotherly Murder, Philadelphia, which last year set an annual record of 562 homicides (and 2200 overall shootings). And don’t ask which political party has had total control over that city since long before I was a hilarious roving correspondent in utero, because you already know.
In this story, two Biden-voting miscreants rear-ended a Lyft’s driver’s car, and when he got out to look at the damage, pulled a rifle and said they were carjacking him. He asked to get his passenger out of his car, and once she was safe and the thugs were preparing to drive away, he demonstrated two important principles: he has a healthy internal locus of control, and “that iron get ya mind right.”
I.e. he pulled his concealed carry weapon and shot the thug who was getting into his Infiniti, and then shot the thug who had been driving the getaway Honda. Tragically, both would-be predators survived, but one is reportedly in the hospital in critical condition.
So, thoughts and prayers… that the Infiniti was not damaged.
Another recent story greatly encouraged me, until it proved to be a hoax. The version I initially saw told about a wise CA store owner trying to respond to the leftist lunatics running that state. After a local Soros-funded DA announced that shoplifters who stole no more than $950 worth of merchandise would not be prosecuted, and Ken-Doll Newsom did nothing to intervene, the store owner came up with a plan.
He put a $951-dollar price tag on every item in his store, so that any creep stealing as much as a pack of gum could be prosecuted. At the check-out, he had coupons to give to each legitimate customer, changing the price of each item back to its normal cost.
I thought that this was a great example of an American can-do spirit, working hard to make a living and help our communities despite the Marxist loons who are hell-bent on thwarting that. But sadly, it turns out that the story came from a satirical conservative site I’d never heard of called, “The Glorious American.”
So I’m disappointed. But if any enterprising business owner gets inspired to try this, I’ll support him or her 100%!
Finally, a melancholy note: I really miss Norm MacDonald.
I was reminded of this when I came across one of his stand-up shows at the Improve from early last year, in which he did 8 minutes of hilarious commentary on covid. The lines are funny, but his pitch-perfect delivery compounds the laughs.
It’s an insightful, sometimes vulgar meditation on mortality, made all the more poignant by the fact that Norm delivered it knowing that the cancer he’d had for 9 years would soon kill him – something that none of his audience knew.
True to form, he mentions that the club owner told him not to talk about covid, because that would depress people.
And he mentions that in the middle of a long diatribe about covid!
Seeing that, I searched for other Norm clips, and came across a great snippet from 2014, when he was interviewing lefty comic Sarah Silverman outside some awards show. He asked her about a comedy group she was in, and she windily described it as some type of “comedy collective,” going on at some length.
Norm interrupted her with, “No offense, but that sounds like some sort of f***ing commie gobbledygook.” This stops Silverman for a moment, and then she sighs and sarcastically says, “You got me, Norm.”
He cross-talks with her, undeterred, “I mean I’ve never heard the word “collective” without Leon Trotsky…”
I miss him, and I miss “gobbledygook,” a great, old-fashioned word that I am right now vowing to try to bring back.
In fact, let’s end with a brief mention of Que Mala’s intelligence-insulting January 6th address. She compared the three-hour disturbance by several hundred people on January 6th to Pearl Harbor Day and 9/11.
Because you remember how the Japanese did only a small amount of damage to our ships by scuffing a few of them up, and how the total death count on that day was 1 Japanese soldier who stuck his head through a portal on the USS Arizona and was shot dead by a MP?
THAT, my friends, is nothing but a bunch of f-ing commie gobbledygook!
Avenatti/She-Hulk Jeopardy Guy, 2024!