Trying to Keep Up with the News, plus Cassie’s Head-Cone Travails (posted 1/17/22)

The Cautious Optimism Roving Correspondent for Affairs (and Stuff) is trying to keep up with the news:

This year is going to be hard on me, because I’m trying to write some political mockery and sarcasm, and our entire Dem leadership is pounding us with dozens of mock-worthy stories per day.  How is a lowly roving correspondent supposed to keep up?

I mean, I haven’t even had a chance to comment on the dude swimmer who’s pretending to be a lady, and flying past the actual female swimmers like a Chris-Craft passing a sea aenemone.  Or both Cuomos going from the penthouse to the outhouse in a two-month period.  Or the entire MSM suddenly discovering that the number of covid hospitalizations and deaths have been wildly exaggerated… for two years!

I’m only one man, people!  One brilliant, charismatic – yet charmingly humble – man!

And to add to my overload, I’m having a difficulty in my home life.  Because last weekend, Cassie the Wonder Dog developed a sore on her left front paw.  And she’s a south paw (HA!), so her handwriting and batting average have both suffered tremendously. 

Because she’s a dog, without access to antibiotics or Web MD, she treated the wound by licking it relentlessly, which only made the situation worse.

So we took her to the vet on Tuesday and got some medicine for her.  Let me assure you all that she’s going to be fine — this isn’t a story that will end with flags across our country at half-mast and a nation in justified mourning – but she has suffered a tremendous affront to her dignity.

For one week, she is wearing one of those ridiculous, plastic, head cones. 

It has not been pretty to see one of the finest examples of canine intelligence and gravitas reduced to what looks like a bumbling, cognitively challenged, AOC figure.  Because she has spent her last 10 years acclimated to moving through spaces with a body that is the width of a dog’s head and shoulders, she is now adjusting to bumping into everything. 

Chairs.  Doorways. Family members. 

The doorway into my home library has smallish double-doors, and every time I get one of those doors open for her to pass, she bonks into the other door before I can open it. 

Our first evening walk with the cone was even worse, because as an alert and watchful dog, she regularly dips her head close to the ground to sniff, and detect any strange or information-packed smells.  With her extended cone, each initial dip of her head rammed the bottom of the cone into the dirt, and brought her to a jarring stop, like a bulldozer running into a hidden rock ledge just beneath the topsoil.

Of course she adjusted, because she is intelligent, and can learn from experience.  (Unlike a certain political party’s leadership I could name.)  But now she walks in front of me like some kind of weird, four-legged Terminator figure, with her head stiffly elevated and a constant side-to-side movement of the cone, to give her a clear field of vision and prevent running into trees or parked cars.    

The cone is supposed to come off tomorrow.  But for those of you who would like to see a world-class dog reduced to a temporarily sad state, I’ve posted a picture of her in her cone of shame on the main page at Martinsimpsonwriting.com. 

But the larger world has kept turning, and I’m even farther behind on my chosen avocation of mocking the mockable.

Speaking of which, AOC has covid.

What can we learn from this?

It’s obvious: by attacking the hypocritical little dullard, the covid virus has demonstrated that it is perversely obsessed with gross ginger guys’ feet and just wants to date AOC.   Duh!

From my “that iron get ya mind right,” files comes the story of another Philly driver (and concealed carry permit holder) who was confronted by an armed carjacker, and decided to get his retaliation in first.   I love this guy!

His first quote demonstrates more common sense than most of our national elected leaders have: “I saw the gun and I thought he was going to shoot me and take the car, so I retaliated as fast as I could. And just to see another day, I had to shoot the guy.”

Yes you did, boss!

But his second quote is even better, because after he gives the would-be carjacker a little of the old “lead hello,” he dishes out some worthy advice to live by: “Stay in school. Don’t play with guns. Don’t rob people. Work for what you want.”

Can we make this man the mayor of Philadelphia immediately?

Now for my shortest column item ever: Sotomayor is an absolute moron.  That is all.

Biden’s ugly speech in Atlanta has been widely and deservedly panned, because it was mean-spirited and terrible.  One of the most-quoted bits was when he insulted anyone who disagrees with him by providing a list of three sets of good and bad alternatives: would you rather be on the side of MLK or George Wallace, John Lewis or Bull Connor, Lincoln or Jefferson Davis?” 

Many people have commented on the fact that all of the terrible members of those pairs are Democrats! 

And one and a half of the good three are Republicans.  (MLK was a Dem, and late in life got way too close to socialism, but his main source of moral authority was Christianity and the “content of your character not color of your skin” approach – both of which are anathema to the racial arsonists in the national Dem leadership.)

I’m really struck by that: when he’s trying to think of three morally repulsive, offensive examples of those who are worthy of demonizing, he settles on… three members of his own party!

Can you imagine any conservative making that choice, or needing to?  If we are in a rhetorical situation in which we need to come up with examples of reprehensible humans, binders full of leftists will immediately pop up. (See what I did there?) 

And not just as examples of evil generally!  We’ve got a long list of leftist examples for EACH SPECIFIC TYPE of bad behavior.

In addition to the examples of racist bigotry that Joey Gaffes already gave us – thanks, Brandon! – I can quickly rattle off many more:

When it comes to murderous hatred, you don’t want to be on the side of Stalin, Mao, Lenin or Pol Pot, etc. do you?

When it comes to sexually mistreating women, you don’t want to be on the side of Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Andrew Cuomo, etc. do you?

When it comes to greedy kleptocrats, you don’t want to be on the side of Hugo Chavez, Robert Mugabe, or one of any number of Castros (Fidel, Raul, Julian) etc., do you? 

When it comes to grotesquely incompetent governors, you don’t want to be on the side of Newsom, Pritzker, Whitman, Cuomo, etc., do you?

When  it comes to racial hoaxers, you don’t want to be on the side of Grandma Squanto (#wemustneverstopmockingher), Rachel Dolezal, Ibram X. (Henry Rogers) Kendi, Al Sharpton, etc., do you? 

When it comes to dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers malevolence, you don’t want to be on the side of Maxine Waters, AOC, Adam Schiff, Eric Swalwell, etc. do you?   

I could do this all day, and so could all of you.  But our Cadaver in Chief got stuck, and listed all Dems.  Well done!

Finally, Que Mala Harris.  Oh, Que Mala!  Every time you sit down with even the friendliest of lickspittle interviewers, Dems everywhere hold their breath, and conservatives pause the DVR and make some popcorn.

You’ve already heard her latest gaffe-fest, I’m sure, but I want to savor her amazing word-salad of incomprehensible banality one more time before it fades in our memory because of her NEXT egregious offense against the English language and logic that comes along to replace it. 

When asked by a generic MSM stooge whether she and the administration might not consider changing strategy on covid, she excreted this beautiful mess: “It is time for us to do what we’ve been doing, and that time is every day.  Every day it is time for us to agree that there are things and tools that are available to us to slow this thing down.”

To quote the late great Norm MacDonald (peace be upon him), “No offense, but that sounds like some f***ing commie gobbledygook!”

Avenatti/the ghost of Bull Connor 2024!

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