As you faithful readers know – if you’ve read my columns and the responses to them – I’m often praised as a once-in-a-century combination of wit and wisdom, a modern day Pitt the Elder, and a man among men.
Okay, that’s a very loose translation. But most people’s feedback is pretty kind. The one common critique of my columns, though, is pretty consistent: they’re too long.
So about 10 days ago, I made a little “Ides of March resolution,” as one commonly does this time of year, to pare things down, and start writing shorter pieces.
And then — because Man plans, and God laughs – we have the last week, a week so full of fertile ground for comic and caustic commentary that dozens of columns could be written about it, while barely scratching the surface.
Biden takes a trip to Europe. (A dozen Hope and Crosby road movies contained less raw comedic potential than that.) Que Mala also visits Europe. (A dozen 3 Stooges movies contained—well, you know.) Supreme Court hearings on a far-left nominee feature her being asked reasonable questions, prompting Spartacus Booker to out-Spartacus himself, and the rest of the MSM to react as if she were being flayed alive by the Spanish Inquisition.
And that’s not to mention the story of the angry mom who read excerpts from a sex book that the school board wanted the kids to read, in the middle of a school board meeting. (Hilarity ensued.) Or the story of the vomiting Oklahoma Dem congressional candidate ending her campaign. (She’ll be missed.) Or the story of pretend GA governor Stacey Abrams appearing as the pretend President of Earth in a Star Trek episode. (Yikes.)
So what’s an incorrigible smart-arse to do?
Write two, shorter columns this week, I guess. Here’s part 1:
I like to collect perfectly stated thoughts. Here are a few examples, from past columns:
- When fascist Ken Doll Fidel Trudeau was spouting some lefty claptrap and other pols were interrupting, an anonymous critic of his said, “Let him explain. He’s not good at this.”
- After the first bloody day of Shiloh, a fatigued Sherman visited Grant’s tent, saying, “We’ve had the devil’s own day, haven’t we?” Grant’s perfect response: “Yes. Lick ‘em tomorrow, though.”
- A video shot by an unseen black guy showed an angry woman with a baseball bat screaming threats and starting to cross a street toward another woman she was arguing with. When the other woman displayed a pistol, the first woman immediately shut up and retreated, and the unseen videographer repeated, “Ooh, that iron get ya mind right!”
This week’s gender confusion – expressed at a swim meet, and also during the SC hearings – provided another great line.
A British lady was watching an NCAA swim meet where a dude calling himself “Lia” Thomas destroyed a bunch of female swimmers in a women’s swimming competition. She was making the obvious point that Thomas was a man, while a young woke-ster guy beclowned himself by debating the issue.
The best he could do was to challenge her by saying, “Are you a biologist?”
“Oh my god,” my new heroine said, “I’m not a vet, but I know what a dog is!”
Somebody crochet that onto a throw pillow!
And then give it to Ketanji Brown Jackson, because she resorted to the same idiotic line during questioning. When asked if she could define what a woman is, she also said, “I’m not a biologist.”
Ugh. First, these numbskulls don’t even realize that their attempt at an evasive answer undercuts their ridiculous idea that gender isn’t real. Because if a biologist can say what a woman is… gender is obviously real.
Adam Carolla occasionally plays a little game on his podcast, after he’s heard a particularly stupid statement from a politician or celebrity. The game is called, “Stupid or Liar?” and it involves trying to determine whether said pol is the former or the latter.
In the case of Ketanji – worst Nancy Drew mystery ever, by the way – she’s obviously lying.
What’s even more laughable is watching the MSM and Dems (but I repeat myself) lose their Schumer over the GOP questioning of Brown-Jackson. They screeched that every line of questioning the GOP employed was illegitimate, character assassination and (of course) racist.
So what were some of those questions? Did they ask about whether she drank beers in high school, or wrote mean things in her peers’ high school yearbook? Did they even bring up my assertion that she sexually assaulted me when we were in high school together?
And before you can ask, I don’t want to talk about the traumatic details. Suffice it to say that to this very day, I’m deathly afraid of flying in an airplane, for some reason. The mental anguish was also so severe that I can’t remember what year it happened, or what city or state we were in, or who else might have been there.
But it did happen! Believe all victims, people!
Where was I?
Oh yeah. The outlandish GOP questions.
They asked questions about her past judicial rulings. (The nerve!) They asked about her judicial philosophy. (How dare they?!)
Even the inquiry about how to define a woman was not some irrelevant gotcha question. Dozens of cases working their way through the courts involve that suddenly (and irrationally!) contentious issue.
Title 9 cases that affect millions of people in colleges all over the country rely on a clear definition of women. Sexual harassment and civil rights cases, affirmative action cases and federal programs that create financial set-asides for women-owned businesses, trans-rights and gay rights and educational curricula cases – all presuppose a clear definition of what women are.
In a sane world, such a question would be laughed out of the courtroom. But in our world today, it’s a vitally important, litmus-test question.
And when a candidate for the highest court dissembles on that question so lamely?
To paraphrase that smart British lady, I’m not a hunter, but I know what a duck is.
Stay tuned for Part 2, later this week…
Avenatti/ Pretend President of Earth Stacey Abrams, 2024!