I have no theme for today’s column, other than more leftist follies. And while many things are in short supply lately — baby food, affordable gas, accurate MSM coverage of any story – there is no shortage of stupid lefty tricks.
Let’s start with Chuck Todd. (Always a safe place to start, if you want to discuss dim-bulb left-wingery.) It seems Chuck’s crack staff was looking for an influential Republican congressman to appear on his low-rated Meet the Press show last Friday, so they reached out to see if Alaska’s Don Young would be up for it.
The choice required some cost/benefit analysis on the part of Todd’s people. On the upside, Young is one of the longest-serving congressmen in House history, so he’s got seniority and a lot of experience holding important committee seats going for him. Also, he’s one of the few Republicans who might be willing to appear on a show with Chuck Todd.
The only serious downside? He died three months ago.
That’s right: Chuck Todd and the Toddettes reached out to book a dead guy on their show. Did they not see how poorly that went for Jimmy Kimmel, when he did the same thing with the late Joe Biden (RIP) this week?
The late congressman’s spokesperson Zach Brown apparently got his degree from the University of Hilarious Understatement, because his response was top notch: “Unfortunately, I don’t think Congressman Young’s schedule will allow him to be on Meet the Press with you tomorrow, but I’ll circle back if that changes. Thanks for reaching out!”
I know what you’re thinking: That’s a mistake anyone could make. Like me, you probably didn’t know that Don Young had died. Or that Don Young was a congressman. I mean, Chuck Todd had probably never met the man, and might not have been informed of his death.
Oh, wait. Here’s Zach Brown’s follow-up email, which I swear I am not making up: “Sadly, Congressman Young passed away in March, but you all did a lovely tribute to him!” Then he linked to the less-than-three-month-old MSNBC story on Young’s passing.
Ouch! Even MSNBC’s Chuck Todd doesn’t watch MSNBC.
While reading the amusing details of this story, I learned that Todd has been doing so badly that his show was demoted from MSNBC, and is now appearing on the “NBC streaming network.”
Yes, you read that correctly: there is a circle of hell so utterly horrific that going there would be considered a DEMOTION from MSNBC! And that is the NBC streaming network – modeled, I’m guessing, after CNN’s streaming network, CNN+.
Which, coincidentally, is as dead as Alaska Congressman Don Young.
Good lord! Can you imagine ever finding yourself in a position in which you are told, “I’m sorry, but you don’t have the journalistic chops… to work at MSNBC.”
In the words of the late, great Norm MacDonald, that is the time when you should head to the rope store, followed by stopping in at the next-door rickety stool store.
I’m momentarily feeling so sorry for Chuck Todd that I will offer him this advice: I think you’re on to something with this Don Young invitation. You should steer into that, and rebrand your show as “Meet the Deceased.”
Your first show can feature Julius Caesar, Hammurabi, and the Credibility of Chuck Schumer. Maybe you can also consider closing with a panel discussion featuring a randomly chosen dozen people who knew too much about Hillary Clinton.
When they weren’t busy booking dead guys or Toobin-ing over their second-rate, Stalinist January 6th show trial — the ratings are in, so look for the next hearing on NBC Streaming, and C-SPAN 8! – the media ghouls turned their attention to guns.
Actor Matthew McConaughey — the Dems tried to book actors Laurence Olivier, Abe Vigoda and Moe Howard for this gig, but discovered that they’re all as dead as Hunter Biden’s conscience – offered a litany of “common sense” steps we could take to decrease gun violence.
Spoiler alert: none of them included long prison sentences or execution for criminals who use guns in crimes, hardening school targets, eliminating “gun-free” zones that are demonstrable magnets for school shooters, or forcing the violent mentally ill into treatment.
But McConaughey had lots of ideas for ways to keep guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens who would never shoot up a school in a million years. So, yeah.
I was shocked that the Dems didn’t take advantage of the best recent example to make their case for them. I’m speaking, of course, of the pro-abortion and pro-gun-control lunatic who traveled cross country to murder a Supreme Court justice.
When he got out of a cab down the block from Brett Kavanaugh’s house and saw federal marshals, he fled. Because he did not want to face trained marshals carrying Beaver notebooks and #2 pencils, which they could instantly use to write strongly worded letters to deter criminals who wanted to harm the judge or his family.
No, wait.
As I began writing this, I assumed that the marshals depend on a potent combination of sweet reason and the aforementioned writing materials to stop crime. But because I’m nothing if not meticulous, I looked for further confirmation. (Note to Chuck Todd: in the writing business, we call this “doing your due diligence.”)
I was shocked to find that US marshals usually carry either a Glock 22 or Glock 23. Which, it turns out, are types of pistols.
Huh.
Since I was already on a research roll, I thought I’d look into the gun-related wisdom being offered by other socialist Mensa members. So naturally I thought of propaganda-filmmaker and oversized-turkey-leg-enthusiast Michael Moore.
Moore just posted a podcast screed calling for the repeal of the 2nd Amendment, so I was prepared to give him points for honesty.
But then I read his post, in which he suggested that we need to focus not on our rights to own guns, but on our right to be protected from gun violence. A protection, I guess, that we can effect by disarming ourselves, and trusting that armed criminals will no longer behave like…I don’t know… armed criminals?
“We have a right,” concluded Moore, “to live.”
(You’re not wondering, but yes, Michael Moore is pro-abortion.)
Lest you think this disheveled elephant seal in a dirty baseball cap hasn’t fully thought this through, he explains: “You don’t want a gun in the house. If you’re afraid of somebody breaking in, get a dog. You don’t need a gun.”
Well, I already have a dog. In fact, I’ve got a Wonder Dog. And as much fun as it’d be to see Cassie launch herself onto a Biden-voting home invader and start masticating his jugular, I’d rather not put her at risk like that. Not when I could use my gun to get that cretin’s mind right.
Don’t you just love it when a dope like Michael Moore tells you what you need and don’t need? I mean, he never asks us if we think he needs that third sandwich or second supper that he eats every day, right? And yet he knows that we don’t need guns, and he’s happy to share that knowledge with us.
And you’re not wondering, but yes, Michael Moore is protected by armed security.
You know, just like the trained, well-paid team of guys who surround you whenever you leave your house, and patrol the grounds of your palatial estate whenever you’re home.
Which is why you, like Michael Moore, don’t need a gun, you peon.
Rather than end on that note, I thought I’d mention one of the more than one million stories that happen in America each year, in which everyday people use a gun to protect themselves. Put down that pot roast and listen up, Michael Moore!
A young lady in the Houston area moved to a new apartment to get away from a man who had been stalking her. But on May 30th, she discovered that he’d found her, because he turned up at her new place, screaming that he wanted to come in. Then he began to kick in her front door.
The poor woman hadn’t seen Michael Moore’s latest podcast, so she didn’t know that she should yell through the door, “You’d better get out of here, or I’ll deploy my schnauzer!”
And she must have given her armed security team the holiday weekend off, because the story doesn’t mention them.
So the distressed woman was helpless, and meekly awaited her fate as the evil stalker broke through her door and murdered her. And all of the Democrats in Congress lived happily after ever. The end.
Oh no, wait. Since she hadn’t listened to Michael Moore and her condescending moral betters in congress, she had foolishly bought a gun.
So she made sure that the safety was off, widened her stance and held the gun in a two-handed grip, and pointed it at the door that her creepy stalker was kicking. And when he finally kicked it open, she gave him a Clint Eastwood-esque squint and said, “Molon labe, mother-friender!”
And she shot him once in the chest.
Okay, I may have taken some artistic license with that last part. All the news story says is that stalker boy kicked her door down, and hero girl shot him.
But stalker boy definitely did win the room temperature challenge, because the cops arrived just in time… to draw a chalk outline around him. (Hooray!)
The moral of this story, to paraphrase Sammy Davis’ funky theme song from Baretta that was stuck in my head for a big chunk of the 1970s: Don’t be a thug, if you can’t take a slug. (Don’t do it!)
Avenatti/ Disheveled Elephant Seal in a Baseball Cap, 2024!
Martin Simpson 
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