Those of you who regularly read my twice-weekly columns probably find yourself thinking, “How can Martin keep coming up with such amazing material day after day? Also, he’s so great, why doesn’t he run for president of Earth, defeat Stacy Abrams in a landslide, and then usher in a bright new dawn for all of humanity?”
Second answer first: Aw shucks. You’re too kind, and even though my modesty makes me look down at my feet and kick the ground bashfully, I applaud your insightful judgment. But if nominated, I won’t run.
On the other hand, if I’m elected on a write-in ballot, I will definitely serve.
The first question, I have to confess, was on my mind when I retired, and resolved to write more. How can I find something interesting to write about that frequently?
But I have never been so wrong, because the weirdos and cartoon villains who occupy our political landscape are always providing a target-rich environment of morons to mock.
For example, I have spent the last half-hour cruising four or five websites, and in that time, I noted the following stories:
- A retiring Lt. Col in the Army took a pic for his farewell post that featured him in full uniform, but in a dog mask, with four hashtags that identified himself as a dog fetishist
- Freakazoid Dem nuclear official – also a cross-dressing puppy fetishist and truly horrendous-looking “female” cosplayer – is finally fired after being charged with his second theft of strange women’s suitcases at two different airports
- Multiple different stories of crime “victims” shooting their attackers, with happy endings all around
- Joe Biden curses about people bringing up his age, and fails at putting a set of handlebars on a child’s bicycle
- Blocky leftist schoolboard member accidentally admits that she is voting against a qualified candidate b/c of his sex and gender (white male, duh) – she’s applauded by her fellow moron woke board members, then forced to resign when the public finds out about it
- NYC loses 16% of its top two categories of taxpayers
That’s in a half hour, and it’s barely scratching the surface! And it doesn’t include two of the most endlessly entertaining schadenfreude-palooza stories, of Elon’s hilarious and devastating Twitter reveals, and Democrat mega-donor Sam Bankman-Fried’s arrest.
I could write about this stuff twice a day and never reach the bottom of it!
So let me just choose two topics for now, and save the rest for a possible discussion in Monday’s column – if a dozen worthier topics haven’t already supplanted them by then!
I am loving the ongoing Twitter doc dump stories, for so many reasons.
First, it completely vindicates the conservatives’ arguments – that Twitter was shadow-banning and censoring and doing everything they could to rig the election in 2020 – and exposes the lying leftist creeps inside and outside of Twitter as the gaslighting asshats (or asslighting gas hats?) they so clearly are.
Second, it’s great fun to watch the totalitarian toddlers on the left projecting all of their own sins onto the right, which stubbornly refuses to do what the left has done with Twitter until Elon took over. NOW they’re upset that Elon is going to censor the opposition – which he’s not doing – because they love free speech and transparency.
Except when they controlled Twitter, and ran roughshod over free speech and transparency.
Third, it’s always satisfying to watch karma bulldoze the cluelessly arrogant. Elon has fired what seems like 90% of the mini-Maos at Twitter, and the place is running better than ever! Not only were they not contributing any value, they were actually a drag on the bottom line, in addition to being a drag in general.
(Note to self: At some point I’m going to be writing about the ongoing struggles at woke Disney, so save the “Disney has replaced Minnie Mouse with a bunch of mini-Maos” line. That’s just a solid homonym right there, I don’t care who you are.)
Fourth, it’s nice to see that Twitter’s HQ city of San Francisco recognizes what a gem they have in Elon, and are doing everything they can to accommodate him and the boatloads of taxes he provides for them.
HA! Why do I kid? That’s right: because I love.
Actually, SF is now investigating Elon because he put some beds into the HQ, to facilitate some cat naps for his hard-working employees.
I’m not advocating for being at work so long that you need to sleep there. But if done occasionally and by motivated people, it’s not the end of the world. More importantly, it’s none of my business.
But that’s a phrase you’ll never hear from a leftist who feels totally qualified to dictate how everybody else should run their lives.
San Francisco bureaucrats are presiding over a crime-ridden, decomposing city. The equivalent of snow drifts of human feces pile up in doorways and against buildings overnight. And amidst those piles – like sprinkles on Satan’s ice cream – are used syringes.
And it’s a cliché because it’s true: there are no needles dirtier than those used by a bunch of zoned-out Biden voters and then embedded in a shite drift. (Cue the NBC “the more you know” theme music.)
Still, the most urgent crisis that those bureaucrats have to react to is that some tax-paying residents might be working too hard down at Twitter HQ!
Please Elon, get thee to a red state post haste!
Now let’s turn to the latest wave of feel-good, 2nd-amendment-in-action crime stories. Regular readers will recognize that the following stories all fall underneath the category I’ve come to call, “That Iron Get Ya Mind Right!”
Our first story comes from a McDonald’s parking lot in Port St. John, Florida. A citizen was sitting in his work truck eating, when Brandon Turner came up and started punching him through his window. When Turner tried to pull him out of his truck, the citizen countered by shooting him once in the chest, killing him.
The police say that it was a case of mistaken identity, to wit, “the man Turner was punching was not the man he was apparently looking for.” Which is why my dad taught me to always look before I punch.
Also, you’re welcome, guy who Turner was actually looking for. You now have one less thing to worry about.
Our second story comes from Nevada, where two women were parked on the street talking, when two men blocked them in, pulled guns and dragged them out of the car. Fortunately, the men were imbeciles, because they couldn’t get the car started. And naturally, when a fella is trying to get a car to crank over, he puts his handgun on his lap.
One of the women grabbed his gun and ran off. His high IQ led him to chase her down and tackle her, and after a few rousing moments of fist-vs-gun action, she shot him dead. His buddy – who I’m guessing was not first in his class on the pistol range – shot at her and missed, and was later arrested.
Now let’s go to Texas, for several more happy endings.
In Houston, a woman woke up to catch a male/female couple of burglars breaking into cars on her street. Because it was date night, I guess.
Anyway, the woman threw a couple of shots, at least one of which hit the lady burglar, causing the chivalrous male to run away and leave her. (I hope he became an honorary San Franciscan that night, and left a trail of urine and feces which the cops can use to catch him.) Responding officers found the deceased female crook, dead in a nearby ditch.
Thus supporting the Texas state motto: “Burglarize a car in Texas, die in a ditch.”
Meanwhile in Dallas, a carjacker jumped into the driver’s seat of a woman’s minivan, but because her two toddlers were strapped into seats in the back, the birthing person (HA!) jumped into the passenger seat. As the criminal drove away, the woman pulled out the pistol that was in her glove compartment (because: Texas!) and shot the guy in the head.
The van rolled off the road and ran into a pole, and the woman and kids are fine. The criminal, though shot in the head, is still alive and in the hospital.
There are even a few silver linings in godforsaken Chicago, where three young thugs drove up to a man in his car, jumped out, pulled a gun, and demanded his belongings.
The guy has a concealed carry permit (in Chicago!), and after a momentary struggle, produced his pistol. He shot two of the criminals, after which they bravely ran back to their car and fled the scene.
The driver, having been shot in the head, experienced a measurable deterioration of his driving skills, and crashed nearby. One passenger had been shot in the shoulder. The only un-shot passenger – because God is hilarious – broke his leg in the crash.
All three went to the hospital, and even the dope who took a head-shot is somehow still alive.
About 10 days earlier, four different thugs pulled up next to a different 23-year-old Chicago woman. They too flashed a gun and tried to force her out of her car. She too had a concealed carry permit and a pistol, which she used to shoot the lead attacker in the head. She got shot in the arm as she fled the other three stooges, but she has been treated and released from a local hospital.
Meanwhile the carjacker she shot in the head is in critical condition.
So what have we learned from these feel-good stories?
First, any people who call themselves feminists and claim to desire the empowerment of women should appreciate the second amendment. Because there is no more empowering experience than going from being outnumbered and at the mercy of scumbags to being able to get their minds right with a little semi-automatic table-turning.
Second, four head shots, and none of them immediately fatal?
What are they making criminals’ skulls out of?! The metal from Thor’s hammer, or whatever is in Captain America’s shield?
Whatever it is, we need to start making tanks, ships and aircraft out of it.
Fetterman/Thick-skulled Biden-Voting Criminals 2024!