Could Biden & George Santos be related? + Stupid Criminal Stories (posted 1/6/23)

No, I’m not going to talk about the House speaker debacle.  I’ve watched about 5 minutes of coverage of it, and that’s only because it took me 5 minutes (cumulatively) to scramble and get the remote and change the channel.

I feel about the GOP the way Churchill felt about democracy. He famously said that democracy is the worst form of government… except for all the others. 

And I say that the Republicans are the worst of our two parties… except for the other one. 

And that other one is such a dog’s breakfast of wrong ideas, idiots (both useful and useless), malevolence, avarice and corruption that it is not a viable option for sensible people.  (Dave Rubin has never been more right: you don’t have to be a Republican, but you can’t be a Democrat!)

But that doesn’t mean that I have to watch the 47 ballots’ worth of clown show going on right now in DC.  Someone please text me when we have a new speaker.

Until then, I came here to mock lefties and criminals and eat advent calendar chocolates. 

And I’m all out of advent calendar chocolates. 

Have you noticed how outraged the Dems and MSM are about newly elected Republican George Santos?

Don’t get me wrong: the guy sounds like a nut, and I would never defend the kind of lying he apparently did while running for a House seat in New York.  (Is it possible that New Yorkers have been hip-deep in lying politicians for so long that they’re inured to liars?)

But it’s a little rich to hear nationally elected Democrats pretending to be outraged by Santos’ behavior, considering the Cadaver in Chief they’ve got in the White House.

Let’s review their (apparently accurate) charges against Santos:

He claimed to have a religion that he doesn’t.  (He said he was Jewish.) 

By the way, Joe Biden claims to be a Catholic, despite flouting that church’s teaching on any number of subjects, not least the funding of Planned Parenthood abortuaries with pallets of taxpayer cash.  (And if there were a commandment involving not sniffing the hair of random young girls, he would have turned into a pillar of salt – topped with a set of fake choppers and unconvincing hair plugs – a long time ago.)  

Santos claimed to have worked at jobs that he didn’t (at Citigroup and Goldman Sachs).  

By the way, Joe Biden claimed to have been a truck driver, and a college football player, and for all I know an astronaut, and a matador.  Not to mention the Indian brave who won Lizzie “Little Feather” Warren’s heart when they met at a Ghost Dance ritual in Oglala Sioux territory in the fall of 1871.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Santos claimed to have voted against the omnibus spending disaster when he wasn’t even in congress.       

By the way, Biden claimed to have passed student debt forgiveness legislation (while actually just signing a blatantly unconstitutional executive order to that effect), saying, “I just signed a law.  It’s passed.  It got it passed by a vote or two.”

Santos claimed to have an impressive academic record that he didn’t.

By the way, if you haven’t seen the infamous 1987 Joe Biden clip attacking a reporter who asked about his academic record, treat yourself to 53 seconds of top-shelf, weapons-grade mendacity. 

In that tirade, Joe Biden said the following things, which I swear I am not making up: “I think I probably have a much higher IQ than you do.  I went to law school on a full academic scholarship, the only one in my class to have a full academic scholarship…. I ended up in the top half of my class.  I won the international moot court competition.  I was the outstanding student in the political science department.  I graduated with 3 degrees from undergraduate school.”

Other than his IQ claim (the reporter might really have had an IQ lower than 9), every word of that was a lie (including, as the famous line goes “and” and “the”). 

And his later forced retractions were vintage Biden.  When the press actually looked into his claims (remember those days? Sigh.), it turned out that he had had only a half scholarship in law school, and that was based on need rather than on merit.  His feeble response was that “I don’t recall paying any money to go to law school.”  Ooookay. 

He actually graduated 76^th in a class of 85. (I’ve got a request in to Christopher Silber to confirm this, but I’m pretty sure that 76th out of 85 is not in the top half.)

When confronted with his claim to earn 3 undergrad degrees, he “clarified” that by claiming that he was a double major in history and poli sci, stating, “I said ‘three’ and I should have said ‘two.’”  Then the paper pointed out that he didn’t earn two degrees, but only one.

That’s right.  He lied about the lie he told earlier.   And remember, this happened 35 years ago, long before Biden tragically died after a long, losing battle with dementia.   

And here’s a few more facts to consider:

Santos never claimed to vanquish the Dread Corn Pop (previous record 32-0, with 29 wins by KO) in a cage match to the death.

Santos never had to quit two – not one, but two! – presidential campaigns in disgrace when he was caught plagiarizing.

Santos never falsely claimed to have marched with civil rights leaders in the south.

Santos never claimed to have a “juicy booty.”  (Ok, that was just a cheap though well-deserved shot at AOC.)

Santos never falsely claimed to have been jailed with Nelson Mandela.

Ugh.  If the Dems going after Santos had any self-awareness, they’d award him the title of “Honorary Democrat,” and give him a key to the city of Washington, DC and a parade.  (Hunter could supply the hookers and meth for the after-party.)

Speaking of bad guys getting what they deserve, let’s look at a feel-good crime story involving two arsonists in Bakersfield CA.  They walked up to a business with a can of gasoline each, and poured the liquid all over the front and one side of the building and parking lot. 

Then one moron – because he apparently doesn’t understand how either fire or gasoline works – bent down to light the puddle of gasoline that he was partly standing in.  He got caught in the fireball, and limped off with his pants on fire.  (Thus becoming an honorary Democrat.) 

Meanwhile, the fire followed the puddled gasoline up toward the building and then back down the driveway toward the second dimwit, who got startled by the puddle of flame rapidly approaching him.  Having just graduated from Imbecile Academy (76^th of 85 in his class!), he flailed and then slipped and fell in the gasoline that was just igniting, and ran off with his jacket on fire. 

That story is on RedState, and if you watch the video, I recommend the shot from camera 2.  Also, if you have any Three Stooges sound effects handy – as one should – I recommend overdubbing Curly’s “whoop whoop whoop” cry over the hilarious footage.

As a bonus, that article also provides links to 7 other recent entertaining stories about criminals, including the one I wrote about in a previous column featuring a motorcycle thief who had a gasoline container under the back of his jacket when the cops caught him. 

When he fled on foot, one cop hit him in the back with a taser, and the crook turned into Johnny Human Torch. 

There’s also one in which three thugs tried to rob a female cashier at a pizza place, with her 14-year-old son present.  When one thug started strangling her over the counter, her kid grabbed the pistol there and shot him in the face.  (Yes!)

In Louisville, Kentucky a bonehead tried to hold up a fast-food chicken place with a gun.  The good news: there were only two customers in the place, a married couple on a date night. 

The bad news: they were a married couple of cops, both carrying their service pistols.  The brave criminal dropped his gun and ran like a vegan French eco-protestor, and was caught a block away.

But my favorite was the one in which CA cops cornered a fleeing felon in his pickup after a long chase.  They shot out his side window with rubber pellets and then… enter the K-9!   

The 11-second video is worth watching several dozen times. The dog comes flying in from offscreen left like he was shot out of cannon.  He smashes headfirst through the already broken window and begins chomping on the felon’s neck and shoulder area, while his rear end is framed in the window.

His tail never stops wagging. 

The criminal flails and hollers something which I couldn’t make out, though I like to think it was, “AIIEEE, I regret all of my decisions!”

Thus answering the age-old question, “Who’s a good boy?”

NOT THE FELON!

Now if only we could let that pooch loose in the House of Representatives…

Fetterman/ George “Brandon” Santos 2024!