Vandals at the Colosseum, Ben & Jerry Beclown Themselves, plus C.S. Lewis Thoughts (posted 7/14/23)

On the menu for today are several funny stories, plus a few thoughts on CS Lewis.

First up is the case of a Russian named (creatively enough) Ivan, who decided that since he was visiting Rome, he should carve some graffiti into a wall of the Colosseum.  A bystander saw what he was doing, recorded it, and put the video online.  Italian officials charged Ivan with vandalism, and as part of a plea deal, he wrote an appropriately remorseful apology letter.

So what’s so unusual or funny about that?  People do dumb things all the time.  Eric Swalwell believed a Chicom spy (who was far too attractive to be interested in him) when she said that she was super attracted to him. 

Hunter Biden recorded himself breaking multiple laws of God and man, and later left his bag of narcotics in the White House, thus forcing law enforcement to suddenly pretend that they were deaf, dumb and blind.

Allegedly.

What’s funny about this story is the reason the vandal gave for defacing the Colosseum.  He claimed – and I swear I am not making this up – that he did not know how old it was.

The Colosseum.  The most famous structure from ancient Rome.  And this guy thought that maybe it was a Craftsman building from the 1920s, or perhaps an oversized mid-century modern?

Whatever we do, we must not allow Ivan to ever meet AOC.  Because he might find himself attracted to her juicy booty – her words, not mine – and then yada yada yada, they could procreate. 

And that child would be so mind-numbingly dumb that at the moment of his or her birth, a black hole of anti-intelligence could form that would devour our planet, and then the universe, in a vortex of stupidity so dense that not a single comprehensible thought could escape its gravitational pull.

In other, equally horrifying news, Joy Behar had an unusual response to the MSM’s recent discovery about Joe Biden’s habitual angry outbursts.  (By the way, two thumbs up to whichever human came up with the resulting, perfect nickname for Biden: Old Yeller!)  Behar said – and oh how I wish I were making this up – “I am turned on by Biden’s anger.  I like it.” 

The thought of Joy Behar in any context is bad enough.  But the thought of her being sexually aroused? 

May God have mercy on our souls.  And mine, for even bringing it up. 

Let’s never speak of this again.

My favorite idiotic lefty story of this month (so far) comes from reliable idiotic lefties Ben and Jerry, makers of ice cream and twin owners of black belts in hypocrisy.

Their latest affront came on our nation’s Independence Day, when they put out an insufferable, anti-patriotic tweet: “The United States was founded on stolen indigenous land.  This Fourth of July, let’s commit to returning it.”

They went on to suggest that we start with Mount Rushmore and the Black Hills, land that they rightly claim that the US Government ceded by 1851 and 1868 treaties to the Lakota Sioux, who lived in that area.  B&J moved into full virtue-signaling mode, noting solemnly that those noble natives considered that land to be “sacred.”   

Never mind that the Sioux only “owned” that land because they stole it from the Cheyenne. 

That’s right, after they slaughtered a bunch of Cheyenne and mercilessly drove the remaining refugees off the land, they looked around at all the prairie grass – and Cheyenne corpses, don’t forget – and said, “Just soak in all of this sacredness!”

Of course the Cheyenne had stolen it from the Kiowa, so they didn’t have a powerful counter-argument to make. I mean, if they had been capable of making arguments, instead of lying around as dead as Joe Biden, like so many human pin cushions pierced through with arrows fired by the noble, oh-so-peaceful Sioux.

Anyway, some wise guys read Ben and Jerry’s condescending proclamations, and spent 30 seconds researching Ben and Jerry’s corporate headquarters, located at 30 Community Drive in South Burlington, Vermont. Which, as it turns out, is on land once owned by the Abenaki. 

Who are a tribe of Indians, and not a delicious sushi dish, as I previously believed.  (Cue Homer Simpson drooling meme: mmmmm, Abenaki!) 

Someone then contacted the chief of the Nulhegan Band of the Coosuk Abenaki Nation.  (Yes, I also mistakenly believed that “Nulhegan Band” was a fine IPA brewed somewhere in Maine, and “the Coosuk Abenaki Nation” was a rap group whose vulgar lyrics prevented me from ever getting into them.  Mea culpa.)

(Okay, I’ll admit it: I thought that Mea Culpa was a super-hot Italian folksinger.  Let’s stop this foolishness and just move on, shall we?)

Anyway, someone brought Ben and Jerry’s obnoxious tweet to the attention of Abenaki chief Don Stevens.  And before you can say anything smart, yes: if a full-blood Chippewa princess can be named “Elizabeth Warren,” the chief of the fearsome Abenaki can be named “Don Stevens.” 

(#wemustneverstopmockingher)    

Though to be fair, Don Stevens looks more like my Uncle Don – or Don Rickles – than an Indian chief.  But he does have a sweet bear-claw necklace in the pic I saw, so he must be legit.  

When a New York Post reporter spoke with him, Stevens said that he “looks forward to any kind of correspondence with the [Ben and Jerry’s] brand to see how they can better benefit Indigenous people.”

Don’t hold your breath on that one, Donnie.   

Finally, as we fly to England later today and then head for Oxford, I am going to mention a few quick crime stories, and tie them back to Oxford.  (Is there any rhetorical feat I can’t pull off, you may be wondering?  Well hold my pint, and watch this.)   

Here’s how leftist authorities handle crime in Dem-controlled, “enlightened” cities: recidivist career criminal and elderly-puncher Jordan Neely threatens everyone on a subway car; Marine hero Daniel Penny defends Neely’s intended victims by putting him in a submission hold that unintentionally results in his death. And the authorities canonize Neely and charge Penny with a crime. 

Another example: in late June, an unidentified male sucker punches a woman on a NYC subway platform, and it’s caught on video.  The authorities haven’t found the man, but Tiktok did take down the victim’s video of the assault for “graphic content violations.”  (The violation wasn’t the sucker-punching scumbag crime – it was showing the sucker-punching scumbag’s actions.)

Now here’s how a free citizenry responds to crime, usually in conservative/”red” areas:

On Saturday, June 8^th, in Nashville, a criminal named DeCarlos Groves pulled a handgun and jumped over a Corner Mart’s counter, landing on clerk Peter Fang.  But then Fang struck! (boom)  He fired several shots from his own gun (because: Tennessee), killing Groves.  The cops are investigating, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say… a finding of self-defense, and then handshakes all around.

Meanwhile, in Texas, criminal Cedric Milligan experienced criminal justice reform after he broke into a woman’s home.  By which I mean she shot him dead.  (Because: Amarillo.)  Texas law says that homeowners have no duty to retreat when a criminal breaks in. 

So the homeowner is in the clear, and Cedric Milligan is in the ground.

That same approach works in other countries too, as we can see from an incident that happened in Tel Aviv, Israel on July 3^rd.  A Palestinian terrorist rammed a group of Israeli civilians with a truck, then got out and started stabbing them.  He wounded seven, and caused a pregnant woman to lose her baby.

But the idiot brought a truck and a knife to a gun fight.  So an armed civilian quickly shot him dead.  One of Democrat jihadi-enthusiasts Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib’s favorite groups (Hamas) took responsibility for the attack, and another of their favorite groups (Palestinian Islamic Jihad) praised it. 

So what does all of this have to do with C.S. Lewis?   Among many other subjects, he wrote about how an increasingly decadent West’s is taking a self-destructive approach to virtue in the face of evil.  Here’s one of my favorite quotes ever, from his “Abolition of Man”:

“In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.”

Unrepentant criminals and terrorists deserve condemnation, but our left praises them, and bestows their highest honor – saintly victimhood – on them.  Law-abiding citizens who stand up to predators and fight back deserve our praise and support, but our left condemns them and tries to ruin their lives.

C.S. Lewis was a great writer and a better man, and tomorrow night I’m going to be walking around in the city where he taught and wrote.  I can’t wait.

But I won’t let my excitement cause me to forget the appropriate ending for all of my columns:

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/ Don “the Dread Abenaki” Stevens, 2024!