We Must Keep Joe Biden in This Race! (posted 2/12/24)

Even though I am wildly popular here in CO Nation, I don’t write columns to be popular.  I’ve got to call balls and strikes as I see them.  And that’s why I must deliver this sure-to-be unpopular message:

I think the MSM is treating Biden way too harshly and unfairly.  As patriotic Americans, we’ve got to do everything we can to defend him from these spurious attacks, and support keeping him in office and running for re-election!

I know.  But hear me out. 

Yes, the guy was never more than a glad-handing mediocrity, a fumbling, bumbling low-IQ gaffe machine. And that was back when he was young and at the height of his powers, finishing at the low end of his law school class and plagiarizing his way right out of two presidential runs!

Sidebar: Can you imagine what would happen if you had the misfortune to hire one of the attorneys who finished BELOW Joe Biden in law school?!  Good lord!

You’d pick him out of the phone book, then make an appointment with him to represent you in your divorce.  Then you’d meet him at his office, which would be the smallest space in an aging mini-mall in an iffy neighborhood, sandwiched in between a pawn shop and a Tai Kwan Do studio with no Asian instructors.

And you’d explain to him that you’ve got a solid pre-nup and you caught your wife cheating on you, plus she’s got two DUI’s and an open warrant for a Failure to Appear in a meth distribution case out of Abilene, Texas. 

And the guy would smooth out his comb-over and say, “No problem, this is a slam dunk case.  I went to law school with Joe Biden, you know.”

And three months later you’d stomp back into his office wearing only a pair of mis-matched flip-flops and your oldest, threadbare boxers, holding a cardboard box of VHS tapes and a third-place bowling trophy from junior high.  And you’d drop the box on his desk and say, “You did finish higher in your law school class than Joe Biden, right?”  

And he’d say, “Why do you ask?”

And you’d say, “Because my cheating, alcoholic meth-dealer of an ex-wife got the house and the cars and my 401K and the clothes off my back.  And now I’ve got to pay her alimony and child support.  And we don’t even have any kids!!”

And, scene.

Where was I? 

Oh yeah.

Now Biden’s just a shell of his former shell of a self, and is manifestly unworthy of being president. 

So yes, it would technically be better if he stepped down today. 

Except that then, Que Mala would be the president.  And yes, we all just threw up in the back of our mouths a little.  Or possibly a lot.  And some of you are dry heaving over a waste basket right now, just because I brought up that possibility.

Sorry about that.  But it’s too late for a trigger warning, so let’s just move on.

Here’s the situation: the three people on earth most likely to be our next president are Willie Brown’s former side piece (underwater by something like 19 points on approve/disapprove), the late Joe Biden (underwater by around 17 points, and falling like Jeffrey Toobin’s pants on a Zoom call), and Donald Trump (underwater by around 12, which is roughly 3 points better than he was a couple of months ago). 

I desperately want Trump to win, and it’s looking way better for him against both Biden and Que Mala than it did in recent months.  (Please God, I don’t ask for much, but this one time… Our country needs this!)

But if anybody else is up for the Dems in November – DeSantis took Ken Doll Newsom apart at the joint, so the most likely stand-in now appears to be Big Mike Obama – Trump is going to be at a comparative disadvantage. 

As ridiculous as that is!  I’m not saying it makes sense at all, or that it’s right.  But that’s my honest take on the situation.  Trump is more underwater with the independents and the mushy middle of persuadables outside of the right-wing base – which are frustratingly ALWAYS the ones who decide presidential elections – than any pol other than Brandon and the Cackle Queen.

Have you ever seen two exhausted boxers in a late round, when the guy who’s losing starts wrapping his arms around the other boxer and holding on for dear life whenever they get close?  It’s a good strategy to run out the clock, especially when you can’t afford to go toe-to-toe with your opponent, because even a single, glancing punch is going to turn out your lights.

That’s what Trump should do with Biden, but for the opposite reason.  He should close up with him and then go into a clinch, so that he can hold Biden up and keep him upright until the final bell.

Don’t go after him 24/7 for the next nine months.  Don’t get in his face and challenge him to a debate.  (You already gave him an out for that by skipping the GOP debates anyway, but now that can actually work for you.) 

If you get on the same stage with him and start throwing rhetorical haymakers, he’s going to go down like Mike Tyson when Buster Douglas caught him with that flurry of jabs in the 10^th round.  And then the Dems would discover (unexpectedly!) that’s Biden’s actually been dead for several years now, and sub in somebody with at least a 50/50 chance to beat you.

Fortunately for us, if Biden can retreat to his basement, the MSM will do everything they can to protect him.  The Dems believe that he can beat Trump (or at least they did), and their strategy to use sleazy lawfare to simultaneously help Trump get the GOP nomination and weaken him with the independents was probably their smartest course of action. 

I mean, if you accept that they have rejected their responsibility to behave as ethical and sane adults.  Which they have definitely done, for lo these many decades now.      

But now that they’re there, they just need to keep Biden away from microphones.  And cameras.  And any competent journalist who might somehow slip inside the White House cordon to yell a question at him when he’s concentrating on wobbling his way across the lawn without falling and shattering one of his bird-like hip or leg bones.  Or arm bones.  Or ribs.

The establishment and MSM have already been doing their level best to run cover for him.  And there’s no better sign of that than the DOJ’s kid-gloves decision to not go after him for his obviously illegitimate taking of classified documents and sprinkling them all over the eastern seaboard, from his beach house to his garage to his phony “Biden Center” at U Penn.

The investigation admitted that there’s plenty of evidence that Biden took docs he had no right to take… but basically says that they aren’t going to prosecute him because he’s mentally incompetent.

What?!

That’s what the lawyer for the guy who gets caught with the bodies of 5 murdered nurses half-buried in the dirt basement under his house argues!  “Sure, my guy went on a multi-state murder spree, but look at him.  The poor sap doesn’t know if he’s afoot or horseback.  You can’t convict him!”

But at the end of that story, his best-case scenario is for the authorities to put the mentally ill guy into a psych ward instead of a supermax prison. 

You know what the authorities DON’T do?  [begin Sam Kinison filter] THEY DON’T SEND HIM BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO LEAD THE FREE WORLD! OH! OHHHHHHH!  [end Kinison filter]

It’s even worse than that, because you know that Ben Hur was just feeling sorry for Biden, because he actually said, in his actual report, that Biden is “a well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory.”

You don’t have to understand the Latin phrase “non compos mentis” to understand what Hur just said about Joe Biden.  Even my daughter and her friends, when she was in second grade, could understand what that meant: as they would say, he’s “cuckoo fried chicken!”

Talk about the soft bigotry of low expectations!  You never want to be in the position of explaining away the manifest flaws of a chief executive that way. “That’s just Joe.  He means well.”

If Ben Hur was a genteel Southerner, his report would be titled, “An Inquiry Into Joe Biden’s Handling of Classified Documents: Bless his heart.”

So kill him with kindness, Mr. Trump.

No, strike that!  Don’t kill him!  For the love of God, don’t kill him!

Treat him like he is a fragile porcelain mouse.  Compliment him. You probably can’t say, “The president is a formidable opponent,” with a straight face.  So go for something more believable, like, “I know that he’s doing the best he can to implement his policies.” 

Or, “I don’t think he’s lost a step since he took office.  He looks as healthy as ever to me, and even if something happened to him (unexpectedly!), Kamala is ready to step in and take over for him.  But that won’t be necessary, because Joe Biden is every bit as effective and on top of things as he was when he was Obama’s VP.  Even though he can’t remember when that was.  Or who Obama was.”

Whoo.  This is going to be tough, I know.  But cut those last two phrases.  Just discipline yourself, and stick to the compliments.

Please Mr. Trump, we need this!  You don’t need to go into attack mode, and you don’t need to get distracted.  Don’t say that E. Jean Carroll is a loony beeyatch.  (Even though she obiously is.) Or that the judges in all of your bogus trials are evil leftists, persecuting you for political reasons. (Ditto.)

Just hold some rallies, bask in the base’s love, and stay on friendly ground.  Talk for 5 minutes, saying things like, “How about that border crisis?” Or “Remember when gas was $2.15 a gallon?” Or, “Did you ever notice that Putin took Crimea under Obama and attacked Ukraine just a few years ago, but when I was president, Putin stayed on his chain?”

Then say, “Goodnight folks!  See you in November!”

So as painful as this may be for me to write…

Biden/Harris 2024!

Oh, and also…

Hamas delenda est!