I’m Watching Events in the Middle East with a Big Bag of Popcorn (posted 6/20/25)

I am continuing to love the news about Israel out-smarting the weird beards in Iran! 

I saw a RedState headline saying, “How Israel Lured Iran’s Top Generals to their Deaths,” and I immediately thought the same thing I’m assuming that you were all thinking:

Pay-per-view Goat Porn!

But no.  They actually managed to send authentic-sounding phone calls to the top 20 generals telling them to come to a meeting at a specific bunker.  Which was smart, because the ploy took advantage of the brutality of the Iranian regime. 

In a functional military structure, generals getting that phone call might have double-checked by calling someone else in the chain of command to verify the message.  But because the totalitarians running Iran rule by fear and cruelty, none of the generals dared to question the order.

 A Mossad agent was surveilling the bunker, and counting the terrorists as they showed up, possibly using a counting song from childhood.  (The version I heard was, “One little, two little, three little Warrens, four little, five little….”)

(#wemustneverstopmockingher) 

Luckily, the agent managed to not fall asleep as he was counting them – because he was not counting sheep, but sheep-ravagers – and when they were all inside, he called HQ with a “go-ahead” message. 

Which I fantasize was something coded, like, “The schmucks are in the mosque,” or “The putzes are ready for the mohel,” but was probably something more like, “The FA phase is complete; commence with the FO phase.” 

One of the big shots who experienced ROMD (rapid-onset molecular disassembly) in that bunker was a general named Hossein Salami.  (I’m guessing that spelling is wrong, but when you’re a juvenile mullah-mocker and God drops a name like “General Salami” on the deli counter, you grab it and run with it!)  

When the bunker was hit a few minutes later – possibly by one of those Jewish space lasers the anti-Semitic conspiracy theorists are always yammering about – it made for one of the simplest games of Clue ever. 

Because it was obviously the Jews, in the bunker, with the salami slicer.

Hilariously enough, Salami was talking like he was a foot long (if you know what I mean), in a press conference literally one day before he got smoked and diced, in this quote which I swear I am not making up: “Iran is fully ready for any scenario.”

Sooo…cue the sad trombone.  Or in this case, the sad shofar. 

Because there was obviously at least one scenario that Salami wasn’t fully ready for, and it involved Bibi putting the ballistic “club” into “club sandwich,” and not even bothering to ask Salami if he wanted his bun toasted.   

(They said to me, “Sure, Martin, you came up with an impressive number of fish-related puns about LA Mayor Karen Bass in a column last week.  But we bet you can’t create a half-dozen hilarious lunch meat references in your coverage of the Israeli attacks on Iranian nuke sites story.”   And I said, “Hold my deli platter and watch this.”)

Hey, while we’re in the Middle East, two more fantastic stories happened that I haven’t had the opportunity to comment on…and I can’t miss that chance.  The first one was when a clot of entitled, anti-Israel social justice warriors made a march to Gaza as part of an ambitious program called, “Virtue Signalers Without Borders.” 

Because they assumed that the evil Jews would be mean to them and not let them through the Israeli border into Gaza, they chose to go through Egypt instead.  

Annnnddddd…the Egyptians were mean to them, and wouldn’t let them through the border!  HA!  Every freaking detail of the story is delicious. 

The marchers were wearing keffiyehs.  (Because of course they were.) And I don’t have to tell you that a white, spoiled Jew-hater putting on a keffiyeh automatically increases his SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) score by 20 points.  (Duh!)

When their convoy was stopped by Egyptian officials when it was over 100 miles from the Rafah crossing, the arrogant boneheads went right down the Bingo card of all the behaviors that work great on an Ivy League campus run by far-left faculty zealots and castrati administrators.

Via the NY Post: they took part in a sit-in on the road, they “threw tantrums,” and some “broke down in tears.”  They chanted, “Free, Free Palestine,” and waved several different countries’ flags.  They also lectured the Egyptians about how they don’t hate Jews enough, and many of them started threatening to go on a hunger strike.  

The Egyptians, on the other hand, used tactics very rarely seen on Ivy League campuses.

Egyptian police formed an unsmiling cordon of what looked like Pharoah’s bodyguards in tactical forces gear, and looked on as “Egyptian locals, some little more than children, pull[ed] the activists off the road” while others “could be seen hurling clubs and water bottles at the hapless protestors.” 

I think I speak for all of us American Christians and conservatives when I say, “Allahu Akbar!”

There may be more entertainment to come, because according to an article in Spiked called, “The March of the Useful Idiots” (chef’s kiss for that one), “Predictably, the would-be white saviors reacted with indignity when the uppity brown locals violently resisted their ‘march.’  They then resorted to anger and vitriol as they chanted, ‘F**k Egypt.’”

Sounds about right.  

Organizers posted on Instagram that, “There are now reports of force being used against participants, with some being detained, harassed, physically harmed and deported.”  

To which there are three good responses:

1.UNEXPECTEDLY!       

2. Oh no!  Well anyway…

3. Is it possible for Trump to call out the Egyptian National Guard to big blue cities in America?

Speaking of “hapless” and “little more than children,” the second story was even funnier, because it involved Saint Greta Thunberg, the Doom Pixie who’s gotten bored with the existential danger posed by changing weather, and has now turned her bottomless, self-righteous scorn onto the people who control the weather: the Jews!   

But the combination of the prescribed dose of medicinal bourbon I’ve taken and the amount of sack time I need before I start sanding and refinishing some wood floors tomorrow means that I’ll have to save that for Monday’s column. 

Have a great weekend, and as always…

Hamas delenda est!