I was so excited to hear on Friday that Trump was signing the GENIUS act into law, thinking that finally, at long last, my status as hilarious genius would be formally acknowledged by an act of state. I sat with my phone all day, waiting for a congratulatory call from the White House that sadly, never came.
Finally, around midnight, after my wife had gone to bed and Cassie the Wonder Dog had fallen asleep at my feet, I gave up and went online to read about that act.
Imagine my disappointment when I found out it was about crypto, which I can’t even pretend to understand. So maybe it’s possible that I’m not the genius I think I am…
In my column last week about how Florida is kicking arse and IL and CA Dems are making arses of themselves, I didn’t mention two of my favorite Florida stories from the last month, both of which demonstrate common sense in crime fighting.
The first is Alligator Alcatraz, which is an example of amazing branding attached to a great idea. The name has it all: pleasing alliteration, a reference to a famous prison that all Americans know, and the vivid, evocative mental image that it creates.
As in, “You thought the Rock was a tough place to escape from?” At least there, if you made it out and could survive the swim, you’d find yourself in San Francisco. Sure, that’s not the reward that it might have been, decades ago. But still, if you stepped carefully through the human feces and filthy syringes, and could avoid getting bitten by a shambling, zombi-fied, narcotics-addled, straight-ballot Democrat voter, you’d soon be free.
But Alligator Alcatraz? If you manage to make it out of there, you’d be facing miles of uncharted swamps, filled with animals whose bite is even more terrifying than that of a hepatitis-riddled leftist with meth mouth.
And no, I’m not talking about the Sexual Harassment Panda. (Sing it with me, people, “Don’t say that, don’t touch there. Don’t be nasty says the silly bear!”) I’m talking about an apex predator from the age of the dinosaurs, with a mouth as big as Maxine Waters’ and skin as tough and scaly as… Maxine Waters’.
Many soft-hearted lefties have pronounced themselves appalled and offended by the cruelty of conservatives who would subject the “undocumented” to such a place, and would even give it a hilarious name like “Alligator Alcatraz.” (I would have also accepted “Sing-Sing in the Swamp,” but that is wordier, and many youngsters might not have heard of that northern prison.)
But since very few of them have expressed any regret or shame over Biden’s-open-border-enabled rape and murder of Jocelyn Nungaray, Laken Riley, or the myriad victims of illegals’ violence, we are not going to lose any sleep over their bruised feelings.
In fact, DeSantis has released a useful list of some of the delightful illegals whom Biden and the Dems invited into our country, and who are now at Alligator Alcatraz. These Citizen-of-the-Year candidates include a Cuban convicted of sexual assault in Texas; a Honduran convicted of murder in Florida; a Guatemalan convicted of burglary, forced entry and voyeurism in Miami. Another Cuban slit the throat of an old woman and then tried to burn her house down to destroy the evidence.
Yep, this group is like a United Nations gathering of terrible human beings. (Coincidentally, many UN committees are actually a United Nations gathering of terrible human beings. I hope Trump has got a team looking at the process for pulling out of the UN ASAP.)
My favorite scumbag on the first list of detainees at AA – and one I hope will soon prove his machismo by trying his luck in the swamp – is a Honduran MS-13 member with a string of charges including assault, resisting arrest, RICO offenses and conspiracy to commit murder, called – and I swear I am not making this up – Oscar “Satan” Sanchez.
That’s who the Democrats are fighting for. Drug traffickers, sex traffickers, human traffickers, gang bangers, wife-beaters like Cuddly Kilmar, and Satan! (I couldn’t help by hearing Dana Carvey’s Church Lady voice just then.)
I’m trying to get a suggestion to Ron DeSantis. (Maybe CO can reach out to him when he and the COW get back from Alaska, because I’ve heard that they have friends in high places.) And that is: pay-per-view gladiator-style cage matches featuring the worst-of-the-worst in Alligator Alcatraz who are willing to get into the octagon with a gator, with a guarantee of freedom if they win.
Trump is already friends with the MMA’s Dana White and Joe Rogan. White can set up the matches, and Rogan can call them. We can put the proceeds from the pay-per-view – which should bring in as much as the tariffs – toward hiring more ICE and border patrol bad-asses.
I can see it now. A huge gator wriggles into the cage, while a graphics package lists his stats: Length, 13 feet.
Weight, 1000 pounds.
Number of teeth: 80.
Bite strength: 2,125 PSI.
Record: 37-0 – 33-0 vs foreign criminals, 2-0 vs. dull-witted tourists taking selfies, 2-0 vs oblivious poodles.
Then Satan Sanchez struts in, and his stats are listed:
Height: 5’ 9”
Weight: 185
Record: 9-1 – 3-0 vs children, 4-0 vs women, 2-0 vs senior citizens. One loss to an ICE agent using the Simpson Gender Confirmation Protocol (groin kick) followed by pepper spray.
Life Expectancy: 2 more minutes.
Then they throw to Joe Rogan with the call: “Our first bout tonight features The Gator vs. Satan. In this corner, a slimy, dead-eyed, reptilian killer.
In the other corner, an Alligator. Let’s get ready to rummmmbllll—
Yow! Ouch. The gator just took off Satan’s right arm. That’s going to be a problem for him, since he’s a rightie, and his right cross is his best mov—
Gah! There goes the left arm. And…down goes Satan! Down goes Satan!!”
And, scene.
The second great Florida crime-fighting story is from a DeSantis interview with Dave Rubin on June 13. (Before you can ask, I know: this story is over a month old. And no, I’m not tired of winning. But I am getting a little tired trying to keep up with writing about all of the winning!)
Rubin asked DeSantis about several recent stories from blue states wherein people whose cars were surrounded by violent protestors hit a few protestors in an effort to get away, and were subsequently charged with a crime.
DeSantis said that Florida drivers “have a right to defend themselves” if they feel threatened. “If you are driving on one of those streets and a mob comes and surrounds your vehicle and threatens you, you have a right to flee for your safety, and so if you drive off and you hit one of these people, that’s their fault for impinging on you.”
He further explained that, “You don’t have to sit there and just be a sitting duck and let the mob grab you out of your car and drag you through the streets. You have a right to defend yourself in Florida.”
A minute after I heard that on Rubin’s show, my wife walked through our dining room and stopped in her tracks, saying, “Are you re-enacting that Meg Ryan scene in the diner in When Harry Met Sally?”
And I said, “Maybe.” And ran a hand through my hair, while I tried to get my breathing back under control.
In a recent email exchange with a lefty buddy, he said that he thinks conservatives don’t have as much empathy as leftists do. I countered that both sides of the political divide have empathy; the difference is in who we empathize with.
Many lefties seem to feel a lot more empathy for criminals than for cops, and “trans women” athletes than for their actual women competitors, and for illegals than citizens.
Meanwhile, we righties feel empathy for ICE agents being attacked by rioters, and people victimized by criminals. And yes, alligators.
Because some day soon, God willing, some poor gator is going to have to pass chunks of Satan Sanchez in his stool. And that seems like it would have to be uncomfortable.
In the meantime…
“Satan” Sanchez/Gavin “Satan’s Helper” Newsom, 2028!
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 
Hilarious! As usual.
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