A lot of the best and worst of November involved the mid-term election, and I feel like that has been talked to death. So this will be an election-free column, and you’re welcome in advance.
Here, then, is an eclectic mix of stories that caught my attention last month:
1.God opens a Job-style can of whoop-arse on Creepy Porn Lawyer. Be grateful that you didn’t have the November that Michael Avenatti had. As recently as early October he was riding high on a fetching little filly called Horseface and some speculation that he might make a run for the White House in 2020. As the Kavanaugh hearings heated up and the media showed a ravenous appetite for more accusers – no credibility required – Avenatti came up with another accuser, this time one who allegedly witnessed a series of obviously fictional gang rapes.
But Swetnick proved to be a sweat act, and she almost immediately backed off of her ridiculous story. Then the Kavanaugh backlash brought increased attention to the miasma of malodorous sleaze that surrounds Avenatti like a cloud of Democrat rhetoric. He and Swetnick were referred to the DOJ for investigation of their presentation of false testimony. His law firm was evicted from their offices for non-payment of rent. His porn star client accused him of filing a lawsuit against her wishes and behaving unethically.
Usually, you would think that if your porn actress client is saying that her reputation is being tainted by her association with you, that would be the low point of your month. But not for Michael Avenatti.
Because next up, he was accused of beating up his estranged wife. The good news? It wasn’t his estranged wife. The bad news? It was his mistress. The worse news? Witnesses report him yelling to the cops who showed up, “She hit me first!”
Nice legal defense, Rumpole of the Bailey.
Allow me to remind you of the top two rules of politics in 2018:
- If you’re a pasty white northeasterner, don’t pretend to be Geronimo’s great-great-grandaughter. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
- In the middle of a #metoo frenzy, don’t respond to a violence against women charge by touting your ability as a counter-puncher.
I’m no F. Lee Bailey, but I think he should have gone with the classic old defense of, “I was clenching my fist in righteous anger at the terrible way that Donald Trump has treated women, when my mistress tripped and fell into me, striking my innocent knuckles with her orbital socket.”
I almost feel sorry for Avenatti. The way things are going for him, he will likely soon come down with boils, and all of his cattle will die, and spokesmen for the Gambino and Genovese crime families will release a statement distancing themselves from Avenatti and questioning whether he is, in fact, of Italian descent.
But I’m still looking forward to his trial, when the prosecution quotes him during the Kavanaugh hearings saying that, “We must always believe the woman!” And then the Creepy Porn Lawyer will squirm in the witness box, and lean forward and mumble, “Well, not this one, obviously. Because she’s lying. I never laid a hand on her. Also, she hit me first.”
2.Speaking of morally bankrupt leftist creeps getting their comeuppance… Have you been following the saga of the Clintons’ Speaking Tour? (And if you think I’m too high-minded to go for the “they put the ‘sag’ in ‘saga’ joke, you really overestimate me.) They’re calling it, “An Evening with the Clintons.”
Which is better than the original title: “Handsy McGroperton and Coughing Cankle’s Whine-Fest ’18.”
Opening night of the tour was November 27th, and a friendly CNN report (of course) noted delicately that, “the event was not sold out.”
No kidding. I looked it up, and the Scotiabank Arena holds 19,800 people. I mean, it would hold 19,800 people, if a popular event – like an action-packed curling tournament, or a symposium on buying viatical insurance contracts with no money down – was happening.
Let’s look at CNN’s account again: “Organizers cut the Scotiabank Arena in half and blocked off the upper level, but as the show got underway there were sections of seats unoccupied.” Not empty seats. Empty “sections” of seats.
In the end, they managed to cram 3300 people into the 19,800 seats. The highlight of the evening – and I am not making this up — was when Hillary had another coughing fit. Some might say – and by “some” I mean “me” – that that 3 minutes was the rhetorical high point of her entire career in politics.
The crowd seemed a bit disappointed, though, when she didn’t re-create the familiar routine from her presidential campaign, during which she would invariably launch a spirited attack along the lines of, “CAW CAW, CAW CAW CAW!” and then explode into an explosive coughing jag, followed by falling into the side of a limo, or down some temple stairs, or into the open doorway of a campaign jet.
3.”Presidents with Enormous Egos for 1000, Alex.” Also in November, the incredible shrinking post-presidency of Barack Obama continued apace, with two really shameful appearances, even for him.
The first was on November 19th, when he gave a talk to a bunch of camp followers in Chicago. The most widely reported quote from that event came in response to a question about climate change, which prompted Obama to wax eloquent on one of this favorite themes: the left already knows how to fix every problem in the world, but evil conservatives keep stopping them: “The reason we don’t do it [i.e. solve problems like climate change] is because we are still confused, blind, shrouded with hate, anger, racism, mommy issues.”
By “we,” he means “you.”
He goes on to rhetorically stroke himself on how much he believes in “reason and logic and Enlightenment values,” noting that, “people call me Spock for a reason.”
Yes. And that reason is your ears, which are very weird-looking.
In one sense, Obama’s unearned arrogance is typical of lefty elites. They are so sure that they are right, and so impervious to mountains of evidence to the contrary (see: socialism, the repeated failure of), that they cannot conceive of a legitimate opposing argument.
If you oppose him, it has to be because of racism. If you oppose Hillary, it has to be because of sexism. If you oppose Michelle, it has to be because you have an irrational aversion to scowling people with the shoulders of a welterweight boxer.
Obama also shares the left’s disdain for the common people. How else could he speak so blithely about how we’re all confused and blinded and shrouded by all things evil?
But “mommy issues?” What does that even mean? And it’s pretty rich coming from a guy raised entirely by his mommy, yet who wrote books all about the absentee father he never knew.
A week later, Obama was speaking at Rice University, and he once again played Mr. Modest. He said that the stock market rise during his presidency and afterward is all because of him. He said that he brought “homespun values” to the presidency, citing specifically – and I am not making these up – “tell the truth and try to see the other person’s point of view and treat people kindly and with respect.”
What can you say to that?
I mean, besides, “If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor,” and “conservatives are bitter clingers to their God and their guns,” and “you regular Americans are shrouded by hatred, anger and racism.”
I guess those are “homespun values.” Assuming your home was run by Saul Alinsky, Maxine Waters and Satan.
He even took credit for lower oil and gas prices, and the increase in American energy supplies now. Really, he did. After doing everything he could to stop all oil exploration and every pipeline proposal.
It was like watching Harvey Weinstein brag about how he was the one who got that whole “#metoo” ball rolling.
Obama’s total classlessness is still shocking, but it shouldn’t be. We’re told that Trump is an egomaniac, but Obama literally said that his election would stop the oceans’ rising. Obama brags with a straight face about how scandal-free his administration was, and how none of his appointees was ever indicted, seemingly unaware that these facts are proof of how corrupt and supine the media was in the face of Fast and Furious, weaponizing the IRS, Benghazi, etc. and etc.
Barack Obama has gotten more mileage out of sycophantic media coverage and a superficial glibness than any public figure of the last half-century.
4.Non-existent voting fraud almost seems like it might exist. You might not have heard, but a Texas woman has had her conviction for illegally voting confirmed, and is heading to jail. You can find the story in the Fort Worth Star Telegram, but I’m going to let you guess which party she voted for. And which nation she’s not a legal citizen of.
This innocent victim first illegally registered to vote in 2002, and voted in at least 4 elections after that. In 2014 she moved to a different Texas county, and when she tried to register to vote there, the county told her that as a non-citizen, she could not vote. So she registered again, this time claiming to be a citizen, and she voted in at least one more election.
The same news story refers to a recent “alleged” voter fraud ring involving at least four named and indicted women. The five relevant names in the story are Ortega, Solis, Parra and two Sanchezes. In a totally unrelated story, the Democrat party is desperately trying to ensure that as many millions of illegals from Mexico as possible get into the US immediately. Also, if you think that any of them would ever think of voting illegally, you are a filthy racist.
And in case any slower-witted readers think that the adjective that we object to in the phrase “Hispanic illegal voters” is “Hispanic,” you have failed the reading comprehension portion of our test. To begin studying for your re-take of the test, consider the following:
“Canadian illegal voters”
“Scandanavian illegal voters”
“amphibian illegal voters”
Hint: there is one objectionable adjective common to all of these phrases.
Hint 2: “voters” is not an adjective, but a noun.
5. R.I.P., creator of Sponge Bob Squarepants. Last week, Stephen Hillenburg died at the age of 57 from the terrible disease of ALS. I’d never heard his name, but I’m the father of two girls aged 16 and 21, and his work brought my girls a lot of happiness. While I didn’t feel particularly moved by Sponge Bob or Patrick, the show had a demented little minor character named Plankton.
Because I’ve always been more than a little partial to curmudgeon Americans, I liked Plankton. And my girls absolutely loved him. So I developed an eerily accurate Plankton impression, which I regularly deployed as part of my wildly successful “Father of the Century” campaign.
A particular favorite was the F.U.N song, which you can Google. In it, Sponge Bob sings a saccharine version (“F” is for friends, etc.), to which Plankton responds with his own, acid version: “F” is for fire that burns down the whole town, “U” is for uranium (pause) bombs…”
Especially when my oldest daughter needed cheering up, I could launch into my screaming Plankton song, knowing that by the time I howled, “N is for no survivors!” she’d be giggling.
Or mortified, if I did it as I dropped her off at school. Good times.
Rest in Peace, Stephen Hillenburg.
Martin Simpson 