Thanksgiving 2018 (posted 11/21/18)

It’s the time of year to write about all the things we are thankful for, and like most of you, I’ve got more than my share.  A loving wife, two fine daughters, an Aussie shepherd who is the pinnacle of canine virtue.  A Chicago Bears team that is suddenly fun to watch again.  Plus all the opportunities that come from living in the best damn country in the world.  (Pipe down, all of you “She Guevara” Ocasio-Cortez types with that, “You’re celebrating genocide!” schtick.)

But in addition to personal things, I’m also always scanning the news of politics and culture to find things that we as a nation can be grateful for.

Things like the fact that Florida was able to disrupt the attempt by dishonest lefties in Broward and Palm Beach counties to steal the too-close elections of our governor and senator.  I generally don’t like talk of “stealing elections,” but if we don’t implement a sane system of managing an election and preventing fraud, we’re asking for everything we get.

Fortunately, this time around the fright-wigged South Florida Snipe was not able to prevail.

I’m also thankful for all of the left-on-left fighting we’ll be seeing in the near future.  Admittedly, this is finding a silver lining on a pretty dark cloud – I would gladly sacrifice the entertainment in exchange for having the Dems nowhere near the levers of power.  But we optimists find good cheer wherever we can.

And watching the potential Dem presidential candidates try to out-Stalin each other next year is bound to be entertaining.  Especially considering the – I was going to say “Murderer’s Row” of candidates, but that phrase suggests talent and skill.  What’s the opposite of Murderer’s Row?

How about, “Petty Thieves’ Row?”  Malicious Vandals Row?  Bumbling Incompetents Row?

Anyway, consider the potential field of Dem presidential candidates.  Paddy “Beta” O’Houlihan in Texas is 0 for 1 in political races for Senate, so naturally he’s contemplating the presidency.  Spartacus is said to be considering throwing his galea in the ring.  (Yes, that’s a Roman headgear reference.  Because I want this column to be both entertaining and educational.  You’re welcome.)   Bernie is only in his late 100s, so he’s likely to take another crack at it.

Even Hillary is said to be positioning herself for another presidential limp.

Er, run.  Presidential run.

She’s already got her campaign slogan ready to go:  CAW CAW CAW 2020.

Don’t forget Lizzie Warren, who is ready to roll out her “Put up the Teepee in DC” primary tour in the new year.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

I wouldn’t be surprised if Ocasio-Cortez took a stab at it.  If her entire previous job experience as a part-time bartender qualified her to be in Congress (thanks again, blue state voters), why shouldn’t a few months in Congress qualify her for the White House?

By the way, did you catch her interview the other day, in which she referred to the three branches of government as the House, the Senate and the White House?  Or when an interviewer asked her how she would pay for the obscenely expensive package of socialist giveaways that she’s proposing, and she said – and I quote — “I find the question so puzzling because ‘How do you pay for something that’s more affordable? How do you pay for cheaper rent?’ You just pay for it.”  Gee, I wonder why Milton Friedman never thought of that.

(By the way, here’s a VERY partial list of other things that Ocasio-Cortez finds puzzling:  Which shoe goes on which foot.  Where the moon goes in the daytime.  Four-piece children’s puzzles.)

Am I the only one who thinks that if you had walked into the bar where Ocasio-Cortez was working last year and ordered a margarita, you would likely get a glass of dishwater with a lemon slice in it. And then when you pointed that out, she’d apologize and come back with a cup of cream with a tiny umbrella in it and some sawdust sprinkled on top.  And when you pointed that out, she’d furrow her brow and take it away and come back with a soap dispenser from the bathroom.  And then she’d slip in the spilled dishwater and fall, hitting her head, and then slowly get up with little cartoon birds flying around her skull.

Which explains why her eyes look like that.

Anyway, I’m also very thankful that our cranky, small-minded previous president and his scowling wife are not still our president and first lady.  I’m thankful that Jeff Flake is on his way out the door, and that bitter Stacy Abrams is not the governor of Georgia.

I’m thankful that one-eyed badass former SEAL Dan Crenshaw is going to congress.  If you didn’t see his recent interview with a panel of lefty hysterics on Face the Nation, you owe it to yourself to give it a watch.  (And yes, I’m as shocked as you are to learn that that show is still on the air.)

My favorite part was when one of the moonbats breathlessly claimed that Trump “has literally attacked the press,” and Crenshaw responded, “I’ve been literally attacked, so let’s choose our words carefully.”  Boom!  Drop the mike, and the eyepatch.

Finally, I’m thankful that I’ve had the chance to write on this website for almost two years now.  (This is the part when I’d lay in some soft violin and piano music, if this column had soundtrack capabilities.) After the Great Cankle-cide of November 2016, I’d written a snarky email about the joyous aftermath to a small circle of friends.

Though I’d never met him in person, the great and powerful CO was one of those friends.  He emailed back to ask if I’d mind if he posted my email to his new Facebook page.  And after negotiating a six-figure licensing fee, I reluctantly agreed.

HA!  Of course I jumped at the chance to do some ranting to a larger audience than my put-upon wife and the always attentive Cassie the Wonder Dog.  I could not imagine then how much fun it would be to be part of the growing CO nation, or how many great people I would “meet,” or how rewarding a writing experience this would turn out to be.

So this Thanksgiving, I am very thankful for CO, COW, COSE and all of the amazing contributors and readers of the CO page.  I’m grateful to have met some of you in Denver this past summer, and look forward to meeting and spending some time with more of you in Key West in February.  You’ve made my life appreciably more fun that it had already been, and I wish all of you a very happy and safe Thanksgiving.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  BOOM!

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