I started off Monday with a dour recitation of some of the lowlights of July, so let’s now turn to the sunny side.
Story 1: On July 22nd, the mayor of Portland – apparently a first-cousin to fellow Democrat and Minneapolis mayor Wussy McPussington – decided he’d celebrate the 56th straight night of rioting in his city by taking his special brand of sniveling appeasement to the streets, and receive his well-earned hero’s welcome from the merry band of peaceful rioters.
And… it didn’t turn out so well.
The guy’s name is Ted Wheeler. If you haven’t seen him, the video of his shenanigans that night is worth watching. But if you’ve got a life to lead, I can give you a quick description to save you some time. He looks to be in his mid-50s, wearing both goggles and a mask, and not exactly giving off a Chuck Norris vibe. He’s the kind of guy who, if he told he’s had three girlfriends lately, you’d be thinking, “Two imaginary, one inflatable.”
Anyway, he joined the peaceful mob, but things went wrong from the outset. Individual dimwits immediately began challenging him — because racism — and one dope dumped a plastic bag of garbage on his feet.
When she saw the littering, Grandma Squanto stood by the side of the street, with one tear dramatically running down her cheek. #wemustneverstopmockingher.
Okay, I made that part up. Not the part about the garbage, though. That really happened.
A minute or so later, the classy protesters began chanting, “Friendly Ted Wheeler,” over and over again. Except that the “F” word they used was not actually “friendly.”
But our delusional Dem was not deterred. He tried to have a “listening session,” but when one spokes-moron in the mob – media reports that it was Joey Gaffe’s old nemesis Corn Pop have not been confirmed — asked whether he’d agree to abolish the police completely – in the middle of a two-month orgy of lawlessness and destruction! — he said no. And just as in Minneapolis, the crowd jeered and screamed at him.
He ended up at the fencing surrounding the courthouse that the peaceful rioters had been peacefully assaulting. His taxpayer-paid bodyguards tried to protect him from the super-peaceful thugs around him, who began “throwing flaming bags of garbage at the courthouse.”
(By the way, if there’s a more accurate branding slogan for the Democrat campaign this year than “Flaming Bags of Garbage,” I have not heard it.)
Still undeterred, Wheeler pompously announced, “The reason I am here tonight is to stand with you. If they’re launching the tear gas against you, they’re launching the tear gas against me.”
To which the federal cops in the courthouse responded, “Works for us.”
And they tear gassed the bonehead.
Not since Eric Swalwells’ last press conference has a gassing been so hilarious.
Story 2. But Mr. Wheeler’s Wild Ride wasn’t the only heart-warming tale of useful idiots getting blowback from the mindless mobs they are trying to appease. You may remember that in early June, a couple of knuckleheads – I’m not sure that they are snowflakes, but they are most certainly as white as snowflakes – were watching a clot of peaceful rioters marching down the street outside of their second-floor apartment.
So the SJWs in the apartment showed the super-pacifist mob that they are down with the struggle, by flashing enthusiastic thumbs-up gestures in their windows. And of course they were recording their noble gesture.
Because signaling your virtue is okay. But recording yourself signaling your virtue is even cooler.
And… a brick came smashing through their window.
Said moron #1: “Holy sunshine! We’re on your side!”
And… another brick came smashing through a second window.
Said moron #2: “Friend! We’re on your friending side!!”
Said moron #1: “Holy friend! We’re on your side, man.”
Now that’s entertainment!
So a little while later – after the dimwitted snowflakes played their game of “hot bricks” (it’s like “hot potato,” only with bricks) and before Ted Wheeler ran for his miserable life through clouds of tear gas and screams of, “That’s right, mother-friender, run for your life, you stupid friend-stick!” – gay Democrat Wisconsin state senator Tim Carpenter thought he’d take a stroll through the peaceful riots in Madison and capture some video.
I’ve never met Carpenter, but I do have a magical wizard hat that allows me to read people’s thoughts. So here are the two thoughts running through Carpenter’s head as he left his (I’m guessing fashionably decorated) house:
“I hope I’ll come across some of those Republican white supremacists that I’ve hearing about in the news but have never actually seen, so that I can record them doing their evil Republican things amidst our utopianly peaceful riots.”
“I know I’ll get some great video of our righteous army of peaceful progressives vandalizing or tearing down statues, and if anyone sees me recording, I’ll smile at them and say, ‘Look at me, I’m a gay Democrat state senator Tim Carpenter!’ And they’ll cheer for me, and raise me up onto their shoulders and sing my praises.”
Spoiler alert: that’s not what happened.
When Captain Terrific and his Technicolor Dream Camera arrived at a government office in Madison, some totally chill and peaceful socialists had just peacefully tossed a Molotov cocktail into the government building. (You guessed it: the cocktail peacefully ignited, and produced a small, but oh-so-peaceful fire.) They had also peacefully torn down two statues.
Well Timbo just had to capture this moment. Because as his socialist co-religionists in Germany in the 1930s learned, mobs with fire at night makes for a great visuals!
But when Carpenter turned his camera on his fellow peaceful rioters, they took exception. (According to my infallible wizard hat, they thought, “Who is that rotten friender over there, and what’s he doing? Is he recording us? Let’s friend him up!”)
So at least three people rushed him. Rather than hoisting him onto their shoulders, the first one to arrive knocked his phone out of his hand, and the second one sucker punched him. Then he fell to the ground, and a group of roughly 10 people, and I quote a local reporter, “proceeded to punch and kick Carpenter as he ‘tried to explain’ that he was an ally to the demonstrators’.”
Excuse me for a moment, while I collect my thoughts.
HA! HA HA HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
I’m back. Fast forward to July 28th, and you can find mug shots of the two people charged with bravely assaulting Timmy the Terrible. They appear to be women — though these days, who knows how they identify. One of them looks relatively normal, except sad. The other one has a striking combination of hair colors not found in nature, including bluish, greenish and purplish.
Purple Hair is a physical therapist in Madison. Sad Trombone lady is… wait for it… employed by the local public school district as a… wait for it… social worker!
Because nothing says, “Let’s talk this through, and find a constructive way to address your problems,” like, “Put down that friending camera phone you FRIENDING FASCIST!!”
“Hey Martin, you hilarious genius,” you are probably asking yourself, “is there any way you can wring one more joke out of the comedy shammy that is this hilarious story?”
Yes, thanks for asking.
One of the two statues that the peaceful mob tore down right before they turned their homophobic rage on the first available leftist state senator was dedicated to which historical figure:
- Democrat and founder of the KKK Nathan Bedford Forrest?
- Democrat fire-hose enthusiast and vicious dog aficionado Bull Connor?
- Democrat Grand Kleagle Robert “Sheets” Byrd?
- Hans Christian Heg, an abolitionist Republican who died while fighting for the Union in the Civil War.
You can’t make this stuff up, people. But you can laugh your friending arse off over it.
Okay, more quick happy story from July:
On July 24th, egregious hive of far-left journalistic hackery the Washington Post followed in the equally egregious slime trail of CNN and paid Covington high school kid Nicholas Sandmann an undisclosed sum to settle his lawsuit against them. The lawsuit stemmed from their stories that accused the Covington kids of being smirking, Trump-supporting, racist bullies who threatened a respected, noble Indian elder during a protest several years ago.
The story was very close to the truth, in that the kids were Trump supporters, and Sandmann does have an unfortunate case of “resting smirk face.”
On the other hand, the kids were not racists and not bullies, and they didn’t threaten anyone. Also, the old Indian guy was a toothless freak show who came up to them unprovoked and starting smashing an idiotic drum in their faces.
(Luckily for him, I was at work that day, and not on those steps in DC. Because if I had been there and he pulled that Little Drummer Boy routine in my face, he would have had to be a contortionist to be able to keep hitting that drum after I repositioned it. Also, he would have had a difficult time recovering the drumstick.)
So Sandmann has gotten some money out of CNN and WaPo, but he’s still got suits pending against such “journalistic” giants as ABC, CBS, The Guardian, The Huffington Post, NPR and Slate.
So if you find yourself feeling down about the state of our country, remember St. Paul’s advice: “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
Those words have many different meanings for different people. But for this humble, hilarious genius, they can be summed up by the following image:
The dishonest, partisan bosses of ABC, CBS, NPR et al are sitting in a fancy conference room, giving each other worried looks as they hear that Nicholas Sandmann has gotten a big bag of money out of CNN and WaPo. Then, from the hallway outside of their double doors, they hear the faint, familiar, building guitar opening from a great Metallica song.
As the noise approaches, a throbbing base line begins. Their coffee cups on the table begin to vibrate as the sound grows louder. A driving, thumping drumming begins, and the leftist oligarchs become more and more frightened.
Finally the doors burst open and a smirking high schooler strides in, accompanied by the roaring crescendo of “Enter Sandman!”
Pull it up on Youtube, CO Nation, and turn it up!
And if any of you musically talented types can re-write those Metallica lyrics to mock the leftist hacks in the MSM, post them here, and we’ll all raise our glasses together!
Avenatti/Flaming Bags of Garbage 2020!