It was a sad day today in Manhattan. And not just because leftist knuckleheads like Grandma-Killer Cuomo and Duh Blasio are still busily at work, destroying a once-great city.
No, the added miasma of sadness today arose from the Manhattan District Court, where leftist cause celebre and future presidential hopeful Michael Avenatti pled guilty to the first of a raft of charges that will send him to jail for 30 months.
Oh how the venal have fallen!
True to form, the tough-talking big mouth capped his court appearance by crying like a bee-yotch and saying that he’s really sorry. And as a transplanted Southerner, I have to agree: that guy is certainly sorry. And yes, since you asked: he’s also triflin’.
But before you get too broken up about Avenatti’s deservedly grim future, let’s not forget the real victim here.
That’s right: me.
As frequent readers of the CO website know, I love a running joke. I created a hashtag for former presidential candidate and translucent non-Indian Elizabeth Warren — #wemustneverstopmockingher – and then I drove that into the ground for two solid years. I hold the record for the most comparisons of former First Harridan Hillary to a thick-ankled race horse that fell in the last turn of the 2016 race.
I may have mentioned – several hundred times — that Nancy “Imhotep” Pelosi looks like an ancient Egyptian mummy, and that Joe Biden is clinically deceased, and that nobody calls Dick Durbin “Richard” and that everybody secretly calls Richard Blumenthal “Dick.”
Because if a tagline is funny once, it becomes tiresome when used 10 times, but then becomes hilarious again after it is used 30 times or more. That’s Comedy 101, people.
And one of my favorite running jokes is that I’ve been ending most of my columns for the last several years with the tagline “Avenatti/’New Funny Potential Candidate here’ 2020/2024.”
Why did I start that? Because I am a humble comedic genius who knows a laughingstock when I see one. (Look – there’s Adam Schiff!) (See?)
And Avenatti was a rich source of humor — not just because of his own manifest inadequacies, but because of the way he inadvertently revealed the leftist media hacks’ metaphysical hackishness for all to see.
You may remember Avenatti from his endless appearances on such leftist media outlets as… all of them. The left truly and deeply loved Avenatti. They lavished praise on him in a way that would have caused them to be ashamed of themselves, if they weren’t dead inside, and still had the ability to feel shame.
And when in the grip of Avenatti-mania, they actually began to tout him as a serious presidential candidate. (Though in their defense, the Dems have put up such remedial humans as Al Sharpton, Spartacus Booker, Que Mala and the late Joe Biden as serious candidates, and I’m not sure that Avenatti can’t stumble with that crowd.) (I meant “run” with that crowd.) (Or did I?)
For example, giant dishonest human thumb without glasses Brian Stelter once bloviated, “And looking ahead to 2020, one reason I’m taking you seriously as a contender is because of your presence on cable news.” MSNBC’s Nicolle Wallace also said that it would be “foolish” to underestimate Avenatti as a presidential candidate. (And if there’s anyone who knows “foolish,” it is the intrepid band of rake-stomping partisan hacks at MSNBC!)
Conservative-hating pretend conservative Ana Navarro compared Avenatti to – I Schumer you not – the “Holy Spirit.”
Basically they all made colossal Toobins of themselves, repulsively self-pleasuring at the very thought of this dope.
And why? What were Avenatti’s qualifications to be taken seriously as a functioning adult, let alone a president?
A steely gaze, a firm jawline, and a rabid hatred of Donald Trump.
Well I’ve got a steely gaze and a firm jawline, and all I get out of that is lustful looks from women and admiring ones from men. And no one – other than Cassie the Wonder Dog – ever thinks of me as even vaguely presidential.
Also, I can’t remember the last time someone compared me to the Holy Spirit!
And it’s not like rabid Trump-despisers were thin on the ground from 2016 to 2020. You couldn’t swing a dead cat – or Joe Biden’s corpse – in DC or NYC without mowing down a phalanx of Trump-hating mouth-frothers. So there was no rational reason for the lefty elite to become priapic over Michael Avenatti.
And yet they did. And in doing so, they gave me a satisfying running joke with which to end my columns for lo these many years.
And now – just because he took a lot of Stormy Daniels’ money and did to her what she usually gets paid good money to do to other people, and he also made some hamfisted, bullying attempts to blackmail Nike into hiring him – I’m not going to have Avenatti to kick around any more.
But never fear, CO Nation. I’m going to get through this. I’m going to pull myself up, and dust myself off, and as God is my witness, I’ll come up with another running joke tagline. I don’t know where it will come from, or what it will involve, but—
Oh no, wait:
It’s been a long 4 years, and it’s only been 23 weeks.
(Sweet! I can beat this dead horse for the next 3 years and 29 weeks!)