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I had a great Christmas, as I hope you all did!  I know that the CO site attracts new readers all the time, so as this year comes to a close, I thought I’d take a look back at my columns from 2021, and pick some of my favorite thoughts from this challenging year.

I’ll break the year up into three parts, and post three “best-of” columns this week.  

In January all of us struggled with the ascendance of the Democrat party to control of the WH and both houses of Congress.  Even in those dark days, I tried to find a silver lining.     

Just a week into the new year, I made a prescient – if I do say so myself — prediction: “The Dems are such horrific politicians that they are going to over-reach and alienate all but their hard-core base, and to the extent that we can have even fair-ish congressional elections in the future, they should be sailing into a serious repudiation in the mid-terms, a la Obama’s 56-seat House bloodbath in 2010.

Biden has one orthopedic shoe in the grave, and Comma La is a human toothache, and all of the faces of the national Democrat party look like the Elephant Man’s family reunion, morally speaking.   They are not going to wear well.

If they were even room-temperature smart, they could do much more damage by posing as unifiers and throwing a few, pitiful bones to the spineless GOP members who always seem happy for even the most meager of scraps.  Instead, they are so driven by their own malice that they can’t help themselves: they’re going to double-down on their frothing hatreds, and pursue their “enemies” (i.e. half of the country).  Anyone who is not a completely lost cause is going to be repelled by that.”

A few weeks later, I didn’t have the heart to watch Biden’s inauguration, so I distracted myself with some analysis of the historical arc of presidential inauguration poetry, and tried my hand at it:

“And by the way, you can track America’s decline through the quality of poetry associated with presidents.  Walt Whitman wrote four poems about the death of Lincoln (among them “O Captain, My Captain” and “When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom’d”) that are still worth reading today.

Gifted poet Robert Frost read his poem, “The Gift Outright” at JFK’s inauguration.

Over 30 years later, mediocre poet (at best) Maya Angelou wrote a mediocre piece for Bill Clinton’s inauguration.  It is justifiably forgotten now, but I remember banal repetitions of “a rock, a river, and a tree.”  Poetry interpretation is subjective, but my take was that Slick Willie liked to take his interns to picnic at a river, where he was hard as a rock and they ended up climbing a tree to get away from him.

But I’m more of a prose guy, so that might be way off.

Anyway, Biden’s inaugural poem was delivered by an unknown young woman, and of course the media is now swooning over her, and she’ll probably get rich and famous over this “poem.”

But, to paraphrase a line attributed to Dorothy Parker, this isn’t a poem to be set aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force.

Here are three consecutive lines from the poem, chosen at random:

“We’ve braved the belly of the beast, we’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace.

And the norms and notions of what just is isn’t always justice.

And yet the dawn is ours before we knew it, somehow we do it.”

Off the top of my head: “the belly of the beast” is a tired cliché; “beast” and “peace” don’t rhyme; “just is” and “justice” don’t rhyme; the third line changes verb tense in a way that doesn’t make sense.  (By the way, my last sentence rhymed better than anything in this terrible poem.)  Also, there is no referent for the “it” in the last line – what can that line possibly mean?

On the other hand, “knew it” and “do it” at least rhyme, even if they are stupid.

Good lord!  At the rate we’re going, if Comma-la manages to get re-elected in 2024, her inaugural poem is going to start with, “There once was a man from Nantucket.”

I know that some of you are probably thinking, “Sure, Martin, you may be a hilarious genius, an amazing father and husband, and a role model for us all, not to mention a fine figure of a man.  But you’re no poet, and you probably couldn’t do any better.”

To which I say, hold my Scotch and stand back, as I compose a poem – live, right now, this very minute — that is more fitting for the inauguration of Joe Biden than the actual putrid poem above:

Ode to Joe

C’mon man, he’s got a plan.

Look fat–  don’t question that.

You know, the thing,

Ring a ding ding.

He defeated Corn Pop

Zippity boop bop.

Don’t give him a quiz:

He don’t know where he is.

Stay in your lanes

Or he’ll put y’all back in chains.

Even Frank Luntz

Knows he’s a dunce.

Boom!  Admit it: you feel pretty foolish right now for doubting me.  Because that poem has all the hallmarks of deathless verse: the lines all rhyme, it works on multiple levels, and it contains a subtle allusion to Frank Luntz.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, our long national nightmare, just getting started…”

In February, I found one happy-ending story to brighten my spirits:

“In the feel-good story of February, Breitbart’s headline caught my eye: “Accidental Blast During Bomb-Making Class Kills 30 Taliban Fighters.”

It seems that a clot of happy-go-lucky jihadis had gathered in a mosque (where else?) in the Afghan village of Qultaq to learn the finer points of blowing people up.  Even though the crowd included “six foreign nationals who were expert mine makers,” it apparently also included at least one dim-witted lummox who hadn’t yet gotten to the Koranic verses on the subject of, “Don’t touch that wire!”

(Preliminary reports that the dullard in question was one Ahmed al-Biden have not been confirmed.)

The story notes that jihadis fairly regularly experience such mortifying examples of the male scourge of premature detonation. (HA!)  For example, “a similar blast occurred at a mosque in Balkh’s Chahabar Bolak district in August.”

Also in the village of Sikandar Khel, and earlier in the Ghazni district, and in the southern province of Zabul.

So what can we learn from this hilarious vignette?

First, all Afghan place names have apparently been translated from the original Klingon.

Second, one way to promote the idea that your religion is super peaceful might be to stop using your places of worship as combination ammo dumps/demolition schools. 

Third, don’t be discouraged, jihadis!  Remember the sura that goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try– KA-BLAM!”

In March, the lefties of Seattle provided another cause for mirth: 

“Seattle, fresh from months of encouraging subliterate, mouth-breathing Biden voters to destroy their city, has come up with a use for all of the taxpayer money they are saving by not employing cops.  Their DESC – which, though you might assume it stands for “Depraved Execrable Sinister Cretins“ actually stands for “Downtown Emergency Services Center” – has produced two handy flyers targeting a core element of the Democrat voting base: incorrigible drug addicts.

The first flyer advocates smoking heroin, rather than injecting it.  Because – and I cannot stress enough how I am NOT making this up – “smoking is a lower-risk alternative to injection.  Give it a try!”

Yes, by all means, give it a try!

Your city is a burned-out husk, and you’ve lost any chance at employment now that every sane business owner has fled the feral leftist hordes vandalizing what used to be their businesses.  So it’s not like you have anything better to do than smoking some heroin.

But wait!  The second taxpayer-funded flyer proposes an even better way to get your heroin fix than shooting or smoking it: sticking it up your arse.

Again, on my honor as a hilarious genius and a gentleman: I am not making this up.

This actually-existing flyer introduces the charming phrase “booty bumping.”

If you’re anything like me – and what a sweet world that would be! — when you first heard “booty bumping” you probably thought that it was a euphemistic reference to the way in which Comma-La started her political career in CA.  Or, possibly, what the nascent Biden administration has already started doing to the gullible American citizens who voted for Joey Gaffes because they believed he was a “moderate.”

But no.  The flyer educates Seattle-ites that the rectum is “very efficient at absorption.”  So cue the NBC “The More you Know” musical theme on that one.

It goes on to say that introducing heroin into yourself rectally “is a good choice if your veins are hard to hit,” and that, “it doesn’t leave tracks.”

Skid marks, probably.  But no tracks.  So you’ll have that going for you.  

That’s it in a nutshell, folks.  Socrates suggested that the unexamined life is not worth living.  Christ advocates treating others as you would be treated.  The Founding Fathers urged us toward the highest use of our Creator-endowed liberties and faculties.

But the Democrats who run Seattle have their own words to live by: “Sticking heroin up your butt: Give it a try!”

I also took solace in an April story that involved animals and karma:  “[This] story comes to us out of India, the colorful land of unpronounceable and unspellable names, friendly tech support folks who implausible claim to be named either “Andrew” or “Emily,” and hilarious cartoon characters who can no longer be voiced by white actors.  Because racism.

But if I asked you what country you associate with cock fighting – and if anybody even thinks about making a joke about any Dem politician, fundraiser, or supporter who definitely did not kill himself in prison, I will turn this car RIGHT around, mister! – most of you would say “Mexico.”

And then you’d be cancelled.

Because, as I may have mentioned before, racism.

Anyway, it turns out that Indians also fancy the occasional cockfight.  But sadly, there is now one less Indian fan of what, for all I know, they call “the sport of kings” in India.  Because last month, 45-year-old Thangulla “Hello, I’m Andrew, what can I help you with today?” Satish was killed by a fighting cock.

Not because they were in the ring – or the cage, or the pen, or the rink, or whatever they call a cockfighting enclosure in India – as opponents in a bout sanctioned by the ICFA (the Indian Cockfighting Association, duh).

It turns out that Thangulla (and if you just thought “Matata,” you are not alone) owned the bird in question, and was preparing him for the fight by strapping a 3-inch long, razor-sharp blade to the rooster’s leg.

I know: what could possibly go wrong?

Well it turns out that the rooster fatally slashed his owner.  And before I can ask the rhetorical question, “Where would you LEAST like to be slashed by the knife on your fighting rooster’s le—” every male reading this column just shouted out, “GROIN!”

Allow me to introduce a quote from the story by turning toward the big board and doing my Richard Dawson impression: “Survey says…”

“A man who tied a knife to the leg of his rooster for an illegal cockfight was killed after the bird panicked and stabbed him in the groin…” 

Yada yada yada, Thangulla bled out.

This quote should elicit several immediate thoughts:

1.HA!  HAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!

2. If at your funeral, one of your neighbors asks your family how you died, and they mumble, “He suffered a fatal groin injury in a cockfight,” those neighbors are going to wonder if you had badly misunderstood how a cockfight is supposed to work.

3. The bird “panicked” and then stabbed him?  Really?

If you were a rooster and your owner took you for a drive down to the local rooster rink, and you found yourself staring at a ‘roided up rooster who looked like a cross between John Cena and Mick Jagger, and you turned to your owner and said, “Andrew, what’s going on here?”  And your owner said, “I’ll explain in a minute.  But first I’m going to attach these razor-sharp blades to your legs.”

Do you really think your traitorous owner would die because you “panicked?”

Because I’m thinking that the rooster would give his owner the same narrowed-eyed, baleful stare that the giant rooster who regularly fights Peter Griffin on Family Guy gives him right before things kick off.

In other words, I think that it was cold-blooded murder!

Cue the “Etymology Minute” theme song: “And THAT’s the origin of the phrase, to “cold cock” someone.  (Boom!  Dad joke catches you like a crisp jab when your arms were down to protect your ribs.)

Anyway, I hate cruelty to animals, so that story makes me laugh.” 

Coming next: May through July

Well, it’s Christmas week again, and I’m in a great mood! 

I’ve got snowy scenes playing on my second computer screen, and an assortment of brass quartets and Sufjan Stevens versions of Christmas carols playing on a loop.  I’ve been listening to about 15 minutes of the late great Frank Muller reading A Christmas Carol each day.  (Can’t recommend that highly enough.  Use DuckDuckGo – because Google should be avoided when possible — to find it online. You cannot beat Dickens’ words read in Muller’s voice!)

And I’m finding reasons to be joyful at every turn. The advent services at our church have been excellent.  Our college town has quieted down, and I’m getting to do some therapeutically satisfying maintenance work on our old rental houses.  And after a bout of bronchitis, I’m appreciating good health the way you only do when you’re not taking it for granted.

So that’s me: Happy. Grateful.  Looking forward to time with family, and Uncle Jesus.

But hey, our Cadaver in Chief also has his own special holiday message for us all.  And I quote:  “[The omicron] is here now and it’s spreading, and it’s gonna increase.  For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death.” 

Merrrry Christmas!  G’night folks. Drive safely!

Good lord — Lighten up, Francis!

I don’t want to be a — what’s the opposite of Debbie Downer?  Oliver Optimist, maybe? – but give it a rest, you power-hungry old coot.  Yes, omicron is a lot more contagious.  It’s also a LOT less dangerous, which is exactly what you want in a virus.

As of this writing, it has killed fewer people than Alec Baldwin.

Rather than kicking Joey Gaffes when he’s deceased – er, down – I’m going to share a few other current events that are bringing me joy this Christmas season.

And yes, because I’m as fallen as anyone else, these examples elicit the schadenfreude-induced endorphins that come from watching creepy people get their just desserts.

1.If you had asked me to pick something that I wanted for Christmas, but that I would never get in a million years, and if I were in the middle of my fourth Scotch, I might have said this: Give me a video of Hillary Clinton reading the victory speech that she wrote before she fractured a fetlock and went down in an explosion of mud and pantsuit on the final turn of that glorious election Year of Our Lord, 2016.

And because God exists, and He loves me, I’ve received that beautiful, beautiful gift.

I’ve saved it in a folder along with videos of my wedding, Walter Payton’s greatest runs, Johnny Cash Live at Folsom Prison, and a montage of weeping MSM boneheads announcing Trump’s election.  And I’ve got it cued to the moment when Cankles begins to choke up when she tells her mom that her daughter is now the first female president of the United States.

For the rest of my life, whenever I face a dark night of the soul, I will watch that video.  And I will laugh and laugh.

2. Elizabeth Warren has gone three rounds in a Twitter battle with Elon Musk, and the refs had to step in and stop it. 

Grandma Squanto is so lacking in self-awareness that she imagined that an accomplishment-free grifter like her could somehow best Musk in a battle of wits.  For all his flaws, eccentric Elon has contributed more to society than 10,000 phony Warrens ever could.

Her latest humiliation reminds me of a hilarious video of Warren getting off a private jet – it was wintertime, and I think it dates back to the Dem primaries.  Find it, and you’ll see some prime comedic hypocrisy. 

After lambasting the evil rich for flying in private jets, Lizzie gets off a private jet (of course!) and starts walking with a group of others.  Then she spots the camera out in front and to her right, and she cuts in a diagonal, tucking in behind one of the unknown staffers.  She obviously and purposefully keeps ducking from side to side, always keeping the staffer between her and the camera.

I know what you’re thinking: that’s how it was for the Pale Pawnee’s ancestors if they wanted to survive out there on the prairie.  They’d hunker in behind a buffalo or a horse, and stealthily creep closer to the evil white interlopers – er, cameramen. 

In winter, they would often camouflage themselves by painting their faces a pallid, sickly white to blend into their surroundings.  They were so good at it that unexpecting settlers would often pass right by them, unawares.  “Look at all of this pristine white snow,” they’d say, taking in the surrounding landscape. 

But occasionally one wary Euro-American might say, “Hey, wait a minute!  That snowbank has suspiciously impressive cheekbones, doesn’t it?”

Then, with a bloodcurdling scream of clueless entitlement, Grandma Squanto would leap up, scattering snow from her buckskin dress in a whirl, and charge forward with her three favorite weapons: a sharp tomahawk, an even sharper tongue, and the power of obscenely confiscatory tax rates, which were known to lay waste to the hardiest economy in a matter of mere weeks!

#wemustneverstopmockingher

3. No list of underperforming female pols would be complete without Que Mala, who continues to delight with her mind-boggling ineptitude. 

Her best moment in December would have to be that time when she publicly struggled to understand how to charge an electric vehicle.  It’s not a complicated process, and considering how she began her political career, it is unfathomable that she couldn’t understand it:

You put the male part in the female part. That’s it. Duh!

Watching her constant bumbling makes me long for the days of a real Vice President, such as Dick Cheney.  With nothing more than decades of experience and competence — and one partially open ventricle — that man took on leftists with more energy that W ever managed to.

 And when times were at their darkest, he stood up and did what needed to be done: he shot a lawyer in the face with a shotgun.

And America cheered! 

4. Speaking of lawyers who deserved worse than they got, did you hear AOC and Rashida “as-pretty-on-the-inside-as-she-is-on-the-outside” Tlaib whining about their student loans, and how it’s not fair to expect them to pay them off? 

AOC is not a lawyer, of course.  She got her Econ degree from Boston University… which is reason enough to close BU, dynamite all its buildings and sow the campus with salt to make it unfit for human habitation for generations.  

Seriously.  Hang your head in shame, BU faculty, staff and alumni.  And most residents of MA, while you’re at it, you Ted Kennedy-re-electing knuckleheads.  You deserve Ben Affleck, and that ridiculous accent.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.

Rashida got a law degree, and she is not happy about how much it cost.  But she’s got a solution: you can pay for it. 

During a pitch to cancel all student debt, she ululated, “I worked full-time, Monday through Friday, and took weekend classes to get my law degree.  And still, close to $200K in debt.  And I still owe over $70K and most of it was interest.” 

Ugh. 

Am I saying that Comma-la should try to improve her poll numbers by shooting Tlaib in the face with a shotgun?

Of course not.

She could use a panzerfaust, or a pellet gun, or a sling shot.

Or a crossbow.  Or she could use a catapault to land a giant chunk of stone on her, producing a noxious spray of bile, class warfare and anti-Semitism. Let’s not quibble over the details. 

The point is, shooting the insufferable Tlaib with any sort of device, projectile or implement might not be enough to salvage Que Mala’s dismal poll numbers.

But as they say in the Catskills, “it couldn’t hoit.”

5. Speaking of satisfying violence, you might have missed the story of a Connecticut school-board meeting about wokesters cancelling an American Indian school mascot.  And if you only read the MSM accounts of the incident, you would still miss the truth of it. 

According to the dishonest yahoos at Yahoo, the “board meeting turned violent when a parent punched a board member.”  But if you watch the video – which I recommend – you’ll see something quite different.

Here, I’ll re-write their story for them:  “During a break in the meeting, an arrogant board member – the appropriately named Ray McFall – came down into the audience and got nose-to-nose with American-Indian-mascot-appreciator Mark Finocchiaro, scolding him loudly.  When McFall tried to shove Finocchiaro backwards, he received a right jab in the snout.

Then McFall mcfell.  “Sit down, Gepetto!” Finocchiaro should have said, but didn’t.”

I don’t think either guy behaved perfectly.  But as a general rule, if you aren’t prepared to counter a stiff jab, you might want to keep your hands to yourself.

Okay, I know: for a Christmas column, this outing has had a lot of violence.  So let’s close with an uplifting seasonal offering.

And by “seasonal,” I’m referring to hockey season.

I’ll admit that I don’t know much about hockey.  For example, I didn’t know that Vegas had a pro hockey team called the Golden Knights.  I have heard of the Edmonton Oilers – which, as a fossil fuel fan, I could possibly root for. 

Anyway, Vegas was playing Big Oil right after Thanksgiving, and a fight broke out in the stands.  Which is something that I understand is not unprecedented in that sport.

So a big guy and a small blonde lady were in a lower row, trading words and blows with someone in a row above them.  And in a move that I bet Ray McFall wouldn’t have seen coming either, the lady hopped on one foot, reached down and pulled off her prosthetic lower left leg, and whacked a fellow combatant with it!

Now I’ve never studied any detachable-appendage-assisted martial arts, and I vaguely recall an axiom about not getting into a butt-kicking contest with a one-legged man. 

But that woman has a little thing I like to call “grit,” and I’d like her on my side if a fight breaks out.

After reading all of the odd twists in this column, you are probably asking, “Martin, are you suggesting that this hockey fan travel to DC, and allow Que Mala to pull off her leg, and then club Rashida Tlaib with it?”

That’s EXACTLY what I’m suggesting.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Avenatti/ The Prosthetic Pugilist, 2024!

In recent weeks, half of my attention has been focused on enjoying the Christmas season, and the other half has been taken up by my increasing bewilderment at the way our leftist fellow-citizens seem to have so badly misunderstood one of the fundamental aspects of human nature: criminality.

Sure, we have lately been distracted by how badly they have misunderstood so many other things: The economy.  Foreign policy.  Why countries need borders.  The difference between male and female.  The fact that math, boulders and roads – among many other things – are not racist. 

But Man o’ Manischewitz, does the Left not understand crime!

Many progressives are inordinately fond of theory, much preferring it to messy reality.  (Hence the old joke about the academic left’s commonplace question, “I know it works in the real world, but does it work in theory?”)  And nowhere does this infatuation with theory manifest itself more than when considering crime and criminals.

The left can look at a mob of looters, or gang members pimping out underage girls, or thugs carjacking unresisting senior citizens and shooting them anyway, and not see sharp gradations of good and evil. 

Instead they detect a subtle fog of societal inequities, large historical forces, and systemic unfairness that envelops and overwhelms individuals, robbing them of free will and absolving them of moral responsibility.

Think of how many recent crime stories have induced the left into the most absurd gyrations to try to deny the most obvious truths:

An idiot reporter stands before a block of burning buildings, surrounded by a howling mob of feral Biden voters, and looks into a camera and proclaims, “These protests are mostly peaceful.” 

A gormless prosecutor shows video of three violent felons chasing and assaulting a boy scout with a rifle until he’s forced to righteously shoot each of them, and the moron calls the assailants “victims” and the boy scout the “aggressor,” and his assistant/Chris Farley’s dim-witted doppleganger says that the boy scout “should have just taken a beating.” 

Elected Democrats watch packs of looters vandalizing buildings, stealing electronics and luxury goods, and see a righteous cry for racial justice. 

When video of dozens of smash-and-grab mobs in various big cities have been broadcast for weeks, silly little dullard AOC insists that rumors of such events “have not panned out.”

For many of us, it’s starting to feel like we’re on different planets. 

As a thought experiment, consider a few recent crime story examples.  I’ll give you the scenario, then – using my magical wizard hat to put myself into the mind of a leftist Soros fan – I’ll give you the lefty’s reaction.  And if I can speak for the average, level-headed conservative – and I think that I can – I’ll give you my reaction.

Crime story #1. Last December an antifa thug named Thomas Starks carried an axe into a government building in North Dakota and used it to destroy the door and window of a GOP state senator’s office.  His attack was caught on tape, and he ended up pleading guilty.  While awaiting sentencing, he showed himself to be an unrepentant creep, boasting on social media that he “will always attack fascists.” 

While FBI sentencing guidelines called for 10-16 months in prison for his crime, he instead got probation and a $2800 fine.  The icing on the cake: the FBI gave him his axe back!  (I’m not making that up.)

Lefty Soros fan’s take:  His fine was too high.  After all, he was only fighting fascists, and fascists are bad!

My take: Give him the maximum in prison, and when he gets out, give him his axe back.  Handle first.  So that if he ever approaches a government building again, security will be able to recognize him from a long way off.  On account of his funny way of walking.

Crime Story #2.  Last week the staff of a San Francisco restaurant asked three uniformed cops to leave, after complaining that their uniforms and sidearms made them feel “unsafe.”  Then they bragged about it on social media, declaring their precious eatery to be a “safe space,” where they would grudgingly allow the officers to eat,“when off duty, out of uniform, and without their weapons.”

Lefty Soros fan’s take: Yay!  Power to the people!  Mean old guns make me lose my appetite anyway!

My take: I’m tempted to follow a “when in Rome” attitude, and react as a native San Franciscan might, i.e. dropping a deuce in the middle of the dining room and then aggressively panhandling from every customer in the place.   But I’m a gentleman, and not some degenerate anarchist. 

So I’d just enter that restaurant’s number and address into the SFPD phone system and record a message, to be played in case they ever called the police: “Hello, this is the police department.  We’re sorry to hear that you are in the middle of being robbed, beaten, sexually assaulted, or murdered.  We’d love to come and help you, but unfortunately we wear scary uniforms and carry nasty old guns, and we know how those offend your delicate sensibilities.  So please enjoy being robbed, beaten, sexually assaulted or murdered in a cop-free zone.  And remember: There’s no place like a safe space!”

Crime Story #3:

Right after Thanksgiving a mob of youts went on a mass shoplifting spree at a California mall.  Afterwards, one of the ambitious thieves was running away with his arms full of stolen clothes, when he was set upon by a half-dozen other scumbags, who fought over the booty in an orgy of looter-on-looter crime.

Lefty Soros fan’s take:  That’s so sad!  Those poor children don’t even realize that their real enemy is the white supremacist, capitalist system that is oppressing them.  They should aim their anger at the real villain that’s keeping them down: Trump!  I only hope that none of them were hurt!

My take:  You do you, looters!  That stolen swag is yours, so don’t you dare let any other crooks disrespect you by trying to steal what you stole, fair and square!  Stand up for yourself, and fight to the death!    

Crime Story #4:

On December 8th, a North Carolina man arrived home to find that a thief had been trying to steal a catalytic converter (informally known as a “cat” in auto parts circles) from one of his cars in his driveway.  Unfortunately for the would-be thief, the jack had slipped, dropping the car on him, and allowing him to win the “assume asphalt temperature challenge.”

Lefty Soros-fan take:  Aww!  That poor man was a victim of the ruthless capitalist system that allows some greedy oppressors to amass many catalytic converters, while the have-nots remain converter-less.  I call for protests to shut down the city.  No catalytic converters, no peace!

My take:  Must. Not. Laugh.  (Clear my throat, take a deep breath… don’t think of any dad jokes.)  After all, it’s always tragic when someone loses his lif–  HA!  HAHA!  HAHAHA!  That cat sure didn’t have nine lives!  I wonder if the crook was wearing striped socks, and his legs rolled up like that witch’s when the house fell on her?  HAHAH—cough, cough.  I mean to say… Very sad story.  

All sarcasm aside, it has been infuriating to watch once-great American cities descend into pitiful helplessness, voluntarily and needlessly surrendering to roving bands of thugs and thieves who now attack and loot in broad daylight, with impunity! 

I’d like to blame the feckless and treacherous elected officials who have been allowing this to happen – and I do think that they are culpable.  But the people in those cities have been electing those idiots, often for many years.  

If they could be made to suffer the consequences without also victimizing the sane minority among them, there might be some justice in watching the decay and suffering they are bringing down on their cities. 

But this is Cautious Optimism, and I do see a bright side in the current chaos: these policies are now out in the open, and they are not playing well with most Americans, to say the least. 

The “defund the police” drive was all the rage (literally) only a year ago, but between that and the revolving door of deviants produced by “bail reform,” things have deteriorated so quickly that even many blue state voters are becoming distraught, and support for “soft on crime” policies is receding faster than Brandon’s cognitive abilities. 

I see two possibilities in the next several years, both of which I think would ultimately benefit the country.

The most positive outcome would be for a giant electoral wave of common-sense, tough-on-crime conservative pushback to decimate the Dems in ’22 and ’24, repudiating their failed policies so clearly that they’ll become anathema to any ambitious office-seeker for a generation.

The next best option – which is not without its dangers, but which I’d guess might be slightly more likely – will be for a continued, accelerating sorting of our society into more polarized red and blue areas.

In red states, people will beef up their police forces, and they’ll expect them to fight crime aggressively, and will support them when they do.  For that reason, red staters won’t need to form militias or take any extreme actions.  But enough of them will be individually armed and willing to protect themselves and their property to persuade most criminals to seek easier victims elsewhere.

Such as in blue states, where the undefended stores offer easy pickings, and the restaurants are full of soft eunuchs who are afraid of uniforms and sidearms.

I think the purple states will transform, as their citizens migrate toward one side or the other.  My bet is that most of them will become redder, because I can’t believe that most Americans will react like the cowed and cowering residents of Portland, Seattle or Minneapolis.

I have to believe that if roving mobs of looters, or BLM and antifa rioters, who have had free reign in blue cities try to spread their class and racial warfare to red cities, they’re going to discover a nation of honorary “rooftop Koreans.”

And the self-styled “revolutionaries” — who are used to sucker-punching individuals, terrorizing lone drivers, tearing down inanimate statues, and screaming at cops who are prevented from responding by far-left politicians — are going to learn a hard lesson.

It’s a lesson encapsulated in the words of the nameless philosopher I quoted a few columns ago, who observed an aggressive would-be bully with a baseball bat stop and retreat when she saw her target produce a pistol.

Say it with me, CO nation: “That iron get ya mind right!”

It’s been a long 4 years, and it’s only been 11 months.

This is my favorite month, and I’m already in the holiday spirit.  I’m looking forward to my yearly listening to Frank Muller’s reading of A Christmas Carol, my copy of Andrew Klavan’s new mystery When Christmas Comes should arrive on Tuesday, and I’m drafting our annual Christmas letter. 

Will I be mentioning that my daughter saved someone’s life last month?  What do you think? 😊

I’ll also mention my driving trip from Chicago to LA on Route 66 with two cousins back in May.  If you’re new to this site and are interested, you can read my travel diary from that trip on my page at Martinsimpsonwriting.com.  (Scroll down to the bottom right and you’ll eventually find the Route 66 entries.)  

This morning I’ve got a handful of small observations about our fractured yet still great society.  So in no particular order…

There’s now a total of one reason to watch the NBA: player Enes Kantor, who came to the US from Turkey, and just got his American citizenship last week.  If you watch Tucker, you saw the brief interview with him last week, and I saw that the lovely and talented COSE mentioned another interview he did this weekend.  

This guy loves and appreciates this country, takes rhetorical shots at the Chicom dictatorship every chance he gets, and is the polar opposite of whitey-hating narcissist LeBron James.  

Plus, he’s changed his name to “Enes Kantor Freedom,” which is a refreshing change from goofs like Ibram Kendi, who started life as Henry Rogers, but then decided that guilty, low-IQ white folks weren’t likely to listen to lectures on authentic African-ness from a guy named “Henry Rogers.”

I haven’t watched the NBA since the Jordan dynasty ended, but if Freedom’s Celtics ever play LeBron’s Lakers, I’d at least record that, and then watch and savor every minute if the Celtics win.

Jack Dorsey stepped down from Twitter to spend more time on beard maintenance, and to develop his second career as an escaped mental patient impersonator.  Wall Street sent him a great vote of confidence in his leadership: Twitter’s stock price jumped 10% when his departure was announced. 

I love that: You are such a liability that just the act of you walking out the door adds billions of dollars to the company’s net worth!

It’s not necessarily good news though, because his replacement is a bigot with a name that looks like it was produced by overturning a Scrabble board and then randomly turning over letters: Parag Agrawal.

He’s got a few quick strikes against him.  (I mean, other than his name being the sound you make when you’re choking to death on a chicken bone.)  He’s Weird Beard’s handpicked successor.  Last year he scoffed at the idea that Twitter should be sensitive to the First Amendment rights of its users.

And he also produced this hateful quote: “If they are not gonna make a distinction between muslims and extremists, then why should I distinguish between white people and racists.”

Look, Galapagos Narwal (I’m not going to waste time looking back up three paragraphs to check his ridiculous name), “Muslim” isn’t a race, and there are racists in every human group, so it’s actually racist that you would single out one race to denigrate as having a particular causal connection to racism.   

Also, it’s traditional to end a question with a question mark. For example, “How much did creepy racist Pagan Wallaby’s mom hate him to give him that hideous name?”    

So it looks like, “Meet the new doofus, same as the old doofus,” at Twitter.

(By the way, if any of you are trying to put a garage band together and would like permission to use “Galapagos Narwhal” as your band name, you’ve got it.  Just mention me in the liner notes, if those exist anymore.)

Don’t be shocked, but the MSM continue to beclown themselves in Wisconsin. 

After a solid year of smearing Kyle Rittenhouse with lies about him and what happened in Kenosha, they have worked overtime for the last 2 weeks to not tell the truth about the racist, murderous BLM fan who drove through the parade in Waukesha.  The comparisons are so instructive!

Within a few hours of the Kenosha shootings, the empty heads all over the MSM were calling Rittenhouse a white supremacist, and the aggressor who went to Kenosha to kill black civil rights protestors.  (And somehow managed to put shots into 3 white criminals, instead?)  They dug through his social media looking for evidence of white nationalist racism, and the worst thing they could find were posts supporting cops.

So naturally, the Daily Beast immediately ran a headline calling him a “Blue Lives Matter fanatic.” 

But turn to the case of Darrell Brooks and the coverage is just a tad different.  Several MSM pieces referred to his murder spree as “an accident,” and many outlets repeatedly said some variation on the theme that it was “caused by an SUV.” 

And suddenly, Stephen King’s recent unhinged, leftist rantings all make sense.  In his early novel, Christine, an evil, possessed car goes around murdering people.  Obviously, Darrell Brooks got himself one of those possessed SUVs.  Sure, maybe he should have taken precautions after the SUV ran over his baby mama a week before Waukesha, but hindsight is always 20/20.

Once the talking heads were forced to admit that someone was driving the SUV, and that he was a non-white career criminal, they suddenly became strangely incurious about the perp.  Even barely sentient hacks like the typical J-school grads populating CNN, MSNBC, et. al. could have spent 48 seconds perusing Brooks’ social media and found a long and rich history of support for BLM and hatred of all things white and white-adjacent. 

But they cleared their throats and moved on, immediately. 

Hey, remember that time when one white nationalist ran over and killed one person in Charlottesville 4 years ago, and that event has been referenced several billion times since then?  Well a black nationalist just ran over more than 60 people, killing at least 6, which — and you can check my math — is roughly 600% more than the 1 person killed in Charlottesville. 

Now put on a pot of coffee and sit down to wait for the approximately zero MSM references that will be forthcoming about that hateful, black nationalist, BLM-loving mass murderer being a hateful, black nationalist, BLM-loving mass murderer.

In a funny story from America’s Hat, it turns out that there is a Canadian Elizabeth Warren.  

The Maple Leafian-version of our own adorable Land o’ Lakes Butter Maiden (#wemustneverstopmockingher) is a medical researcher named Carrie Bourassa, who had become “the nation’s top voice on indigenous health” based largely on her faux-indigenous background.   

Even though she looks like she could possibly be Puerto Rican, or Mexican, or a light-tanning-bed-Canadian — or a mix of Russian/Polish/Czech, which it turns out she actually is — she started making more and more far-fetched claims about her heritage. 

She began to wear colorfully goofy-looking faux-native garb.  (Think a cross between Ghandi, the Dalai Lama and some Bollywood background dancers, but also carrying a few feathers, for some reason.)  And she started to claim membership in more and more tribes, including the Metis nation, the Anishinaabe, and the Tlingit.

(And if you can think of a word that sounds more like an anti-indigenous racial slur that “Tlingit,” you’re more creative than I am.) 

She opened a 2019 TEDX Talk this way: “My name is Morning Star Bear.  I’m Bear Clan.  I’m Anishinaabe Metis from Treaty Four Territory.”  Which sounds like a word scramble taken from one episode each of South Park and Star Trek the Next Generation.

Then, because Canada apparently has more sane people than Massachusetts does, she lost her government job and professorship for being a complete fraud, and a reprehensible, no-good Tlingit.  (See what I mean?  Sounds awful.)

Meanwhile, Grandma Squanto is still a MA Senator, and can make public speeches without being mocked with vigorous tomahawk chops, and someone doing a passable karaoke medley of Paul Revere and the Raiders’ “Cherokee People,” Cher’s, “Half Breed,” and Charlie Pride’s, “Kaw-Liga.”

Yes, it is “Deep-Pull-From-Lame-60’s-&-70’s-Pop-Songs Monday,” thanks for asking. 

Finally, here’s an obscure story from the crime beat.  A 21-year-old Democrat named Aaron Coleman got himself elected to the Kansas state House of Representatives and took office this January. 

I’m inferring that the Kansas Democrat bench is as thin as the national Democrat bench, because Coleman won election despite the fact that during the campaign, it came out that he had a troubling history in his school years. 

He apparently harassed a lot of girls online, told one girl she was fat and should kill herself, and blackmailed a 13-year old to send him more than the one nude picture of her that he’d gotten hold of.  When she didn’t, he sent her picture to everyone she knew.

Again: this came out DURING the campaign.  And Kansan Dems said, “He’s the best we can do!” 

Well he was arrested for DUI at the end of November.  Which was a problem, because he was out on bond for a domestic battery arrest less than a month earlier.  But it’s not what you are thinking: the battery charge was not against a stuck-up 13-year-old who wouldn’t send him nude selfies, but against his own brother, whom he allegedly “pushed, hit and spit on.”

Before you rush to judgment, consider that there are a lot of good reasons for physically fighting with a sibling: 

1.If he stole your pork chop.

2. If he was eye-balling you.

3. If he groped your girl.

4. If he rooted for FSU.

But this case proves the kid really is a Democrat: he was angry because his brother was going to get baptized! 

Of all the motives!  I mean, at our absolute worst, many of us might shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

But who amongst us would spit on a sibling in Topeka, just because he said, “I’m going to get baptized?”

Aaron Coleman, that’s who. 

And sadly enough, he’s still among the top 10 least obnoxious Democrats in the nation right now!

Avenatti/ Galapagos Narwhal, 2024!

I hope you all had a great holiday!  We had friends and family over (including one of Cassie’s dog cousins), and feasted and enjoyed each other’s company.  During the long weekend we put up the Christmas decorations inside and out, and I am officially excited for my favorite time of year!

I assembled a few last thoughts about the Rittenhouse aftermath, along with a “why I’m thankful for the 2^nd amendment” soliloquy.

First, Rittenhouse:  It usually takes idiotic political plans a little while to blow up in their creators’ faces.  Rent controls often take several years to cripple a rental market; leftist governance can take many years to produce demographic flight to more congenial states.

It took Joe Biden nearly 10 months to wreck our economy, destroy our border, and get Republicans elected in VA and NJ.

But the race-baiting loons on the left who slandered the Rittenhouse verdict got their comeuppance in one long weekend!    

In addition to their myriad inflammatory lies about the Rittenhouse case itself, the Sharptonian left also advanced two virulent slanders of America in general.  The first one was that our racist justice system would never let a black man successfully claim self-defense when he got into a gunfight.  The second one was that our justice system would never convict whites who shoot an unarmed black defendant.

And karma reared back, and immediately smote them with two mighty rib kicks.  Within a few hours of the Rittenhouse verdict, Andrew Coffee – a black convicted felon with a long criminal record who got in a shootout with cops that resulted in a death – was found not guilty in Florida.

Rittenhouse haters carped that Coffee was still found guilty of a gun charge.  But that’s because unlike Kyle Rittenhouse, he is a convicted felon who could not legally possess a gun.  So, yeah. 

Then, just a few days later, three white guys were convicted of murdering Ahmaud Arbery, despite the left assuring us that no white guys would ever be charged, let alone tried and convicted in such circumstances.  The whiny liars started to speculate that there must have been an all-black jury in the case. 

But then – cue the sad trombone – it turns out that 11 of the 12 jurors were white. 

I don’t know much about either case, or whether either jury’s verdicts were fair.  But I do know that the left is taking yet another beating from reality, as American juries just did what the racial arsonists said was impossible.

Next up: the MSM will claim that if a hypothetical whitey-hating BLM career criminal ever purposely drove an SUV through a Christmas parade crowd that is as white as Elizabeth Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher) and killed a bunch of people, he’d never survive the hail of cops’ bullets that would prevent him from ever getting arres—

Oh, wait.  

To add to the schadenfreude, two more prominent leftists weighed in on the Rittenhouse verdict. 

Chicago mayor — and semi-professional Beetlejuice impersonator — Lori Lightfoot said that she respected the verdict…right before she proceeded to Schumer all over the verdict.  She said the judge had put his thumb on the scale. 

Which is strange, considering where her own thumb usually is.  (Hint: not on a scale.) 

She also said that she is “very concerned about what this verdict does,” and suggested that it would allow conservatives “to be armed and dangerous.”  Which is ironic, considering that during her time in office, Chicago’s crime rate has made the days of Capone and the Valentine’s Day Massacre look like an Amish birthday party. 

On the other hand, a core part of her voting base is violent criminals, so if any citizens get the idea that that it might be okay to defend themselves against violent criminals who attack them, that re-election campaign is going to be a little tougher.

Maria Shriver – niece of the late Ted Kennedy, D-Massachusetts (the “D” is for “dirigible”) – thought she should get in on the stupid comments, and excreted this tweet, which I swear I am not making up: 

“I’m trying to take a beat to digest the Rittenhouse verdict. My son just asked me how it’s possible that he didn’t get charged for anything. How is that possible? I don’t have an answer for him.”

To which the only rational responses are: 

1.Mary Jo Kopechne was unavailable for comment.

2. Kyle Rittenhouse WAS charged, you dope.  That’s the part that traditionally comes before the trial.

After first reading her tweet, I thought her son must be a toddler, because I can imagine a question like that coming from a very young child: “Where does the sun go at night?”  “Why was daddy breathing so hard every time he came back from talking to our homely maid?” “Why did the man shoot at those other men?”

But then I started thinking: Shriver has got to be in her 60s, so how old are her sons?

It turns out that one is 27, and the other is 23!  Good lord!  

Unlike Beetlejuice and Shriver – a terrible law firm, by the way – I came away from the Rittenhouse trial with a renewed appreciation of our Second Amendment.  The right to self defense is a precious thing, and we give it up at our peril.

I was reminded of this when I saw a video over the weekend.  I haven’t been able to find it again, so I don’t have a link for you, but it showed a black woman with a baseball bat in mid-argument with another black woman across a city street.  She was agitated and shouting, and she started to cross the street toward the other woman. 

But when the second woman displayed a pistol, the baseball enthusiast suddenly remembered her manners.  She stopped and backed off, saying, “Ya got me on that one.  Ya got that one.”

This is a simple little drama, one so visceral and common sense-laden that it can go without any more comment.

Except from whoever shot the video, who laughed and said some words to live by at the end: “That iron get ya mind right!”

I wish all of the gun grabbers could understand that point.  Yes, our right to carry is in the constitution, and yes, sometimes guns are misused, and yes, some kind of background checks make sense.

But when the chips are down, and cops are many minutes away, and you’re facing some violent POS who is menacing you, it’s nice to be able to display a handgun, and let the would-be attacker reconsider his options. 

Sure, in some cases your attackers may be stupid enough to still press their attack.  In which case, they’ve made the Rosenbaum-ian decision that they’ve raped their last child.  Or the Huber-ian decision that they’d like to try the old, “I see your rifle, and I raise you this skateboard” gambit. 

Or they’ve posed the Gaige Big-Douch-ian question, “Why do I really need two functioning biceps, anyway?”

But in most cases, you won’t have to use your gun, since even the dullest of thugs can calculate those odds.

Because – say it with me, folks – “That iron get ya mind right!”

All of which reminded me of an interesting morality tale from 30 years ago: the tale of the rooftop Koreans.

In the aftermath of the Rodney King incident in 1992, mobs of future Biden voters decided that the most logical response to a verdict that they didn’t like — involving a convicted felon and drunk driving enthusiast being beaten by cops during his richly deserved arrest — was to loot and burn down many of the businesses in their neighborhood.

As they torched one establishment after another, one group of business owners took an unusual course of action.  These were the rooftop Koreans, so called because they were Korean, and they got up on the flat roofs of their businesses. 

One thing they didn’t have was white guilt.  Because, as I may have mentioned, they were Koreans.

One thing they did have: long guns.

I bet that if you don’t remember what happened next, you can probably guess. 

That’s right.  After the roving mobs of future Biden voters destroyed many, many businesses, they arrived at the domain of the rooftop Koreans, and noticed many gun barrels pointed in their general direction. 

And then – it was like a Christmas miracle in April! – the violent mobs transformed into a conga line of well-behaved young gents.  They put their hands in their pockets and whistled a pleasant tune as the filed peacefully past the Korean stores. 

Once they were out of firing range, they then resumed their previously interrupted orgy of rioting and arson.

When the literal smoke literally cleared, the Korean businesses were still standing.  And the Koreans jumped with glee, and high-fived each other, and shouted, “ 그 철분은 당신의 마음을 올바르게 얻습니다”

Which, as you fluent Korean speakers know, is Korean for, “That iron get ya mind right!”

Avenatti/ Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice & Shriver, Esq. 2024!

Thanksgiving is upon us, and I am feeling very thankful, despite the rough times our country is going through right now.  The lasting, truly important things are a source of consolation: covid is pretty much in the rear view mirror in Florida, my Wonder Dog is at my feet, scotch is in my glass, America is still the greatest country in the world, and Christmas is coming.

Also, my daughter saved a life this month.  In case I haven’t mentioned that before.  😊

On the flip side, the fleeting things – like our current political convulsions – have recently begun to look like they will be even more fleeting than we thought. 

Many people have correctly identified August as the month when the wheels completely came off of the Biden administration, with the unthinkably stupid and botched withdrawal from Afghanistan. 

But I think that when we look back at November, we’ll see that this has been the month when the cascading bad results reached critical mass, and established what I hope will be an irreversible downward momentum — through the mid-terms and beyond — for the Dems.

I’m very sorry that our country has to go through this, but a lot of pain was pretty much baked into the fecal cake (Duncan Hines’ worst-reviewed product line ever) when Sleepy Joe took office.  The silver lining is that even the most apathetic and a-political among us now seem to recognize the cosmic terribleness of this administration.  

The month began with an unprecedentedly bad off-year election for the Dems around the country.  Then Mayor Pete took off for 2 months in the middle of a supply chain crisis, and no one noticed he was gone.  Or was glad when he came back.  

Biden went to Europe and literally could not keep his sh*t together, Obama was just as bad in Scotland, and the Dems’ poll numbers have sunk like the rocks that Hunter is fond of smoking.  When Kyle Rittenhouse was rightly found innocent, the left beclowned themselves in ways guaranteed to alienate moderates and sane Dems next year.

Dem infighting has broken out into the open, and the only thing keeping Joey Gaffes from a coup is that Que Mala is even worse!

Most tellingly, the elite leftists refuse to learn, and are doubling down on their worst decisions.  They’re explaining why inflation is good, low gas prices are bad, teaching your kids to be racist is anti-racist, and using guns to defend yourself against their violent foot-soldiers is also racist. 

So naturally, gun sales are through the roof, parents are bringing pitchforks to school board meetings, and half of the entries in the Top 40 are songs on the theme of “Let’s Go, Brandon!”

But it’s not just the last several months; this entire year has been a much-deserved disaster for Joey Gaffes. So as we prepare to feast and be grateful, let me look back at Biden’s year so far:

The only bright spots for him have been the passage of two horrendous spending bills, neither of which has helped his polls. Even in a moment of “victory,” he manages to hurt his own cause.  When he was trying to make some light-hearted remarks on his big bill-signing day last Monday, he talked about how he used to work with all American governors back when he was Obama’s VP. 

But because he’s always been a petty little man – even before he became a petty little shadow of a man – he took a shot at Sarah Palin, apropos of nothing.   He said that he’d worked with all governors, “Save one.  She can see Alaska from her porch.”

D’oh!  It’s bad enough that he’s interrupting what passes for a “big moment” in his presidency to insult a former, non-influential politician in the other party. It’s worse that the insulting line was never even said by Palin; it came from Tina Fey, who played Palin saying, “I can see Russia from my house!” 

But Biden can’t tell Tina Fey from Sarah Palin.  At this point he probably can’t tell Tina Fey from Charlie Tuna. 

In fact, he couldn’t even get a famous, one-line SNL joke right.  What sense would it make for Palin – who lives in freaking Alaska! – to say that she could see Alaska from her house, you dimwit?

I guess we can be glad that Biden didn’t try to dip into the rest of his favorite SNL lines, lest we would have been forced to groan through his rendition of, “We’re just two mild and lazy guys!” 

Or, “I’ve got a fever, and the only subscription is more cow-catchers!”

Or, “Live, from… you know… you know the place … it’s Arbor Day Night!”

Biden has had the worst first 10 months of a presidency ever, with the possible exception of William Henry Harrison, who fell ill after giving a marathon inaugural speech in freezing weather, and died within a month of taking office in 1841. 

In Harrison’s favor, at least he managed to die with dignity, and didn’t besmirch his reputation and torment the nation the way Joey Gaffes is doing right now. 

In 10 short months, Biden has helmed so many disasters that it’s getting difficult to keep them all straight, even though we’re still in the same calendar year when this parade of calamities befell us!

He engineered the most disastrous military withdrawal since Hannibal got drunk and passed out on the back of one of his war elephants, which then carried him back over the alps, resulting in him abandoning  his troops.  Only Joe wasn’t drunk – just stupid.

(Actually, I just made that up about Hannibal.  Because there is no actual historical precedent for any commander ever doing anything nearly as stupid as Biden’s plan to pull out the military first, and THEN try to evacuate vulnerable civilians.)

He promised to end covid, but has seen more deaths in his term than happened in Trump’s.  He promised that vaccinated people couldn’t get covid, after which the covid virus achieved self-awareness, said, “Let’s go, Brandon,” and immediately started infecting vaccinated people.

He took the most efficient supply chain the world has ever known and turned it into the Long Island Expressway at rush hour after a 12-car pileup.  He tripled the inflation rate, then strangled all domestic gas and oil production and refining that he could, turning an energy-independent nation with low fuel prices into Venezuela North.  Then he went on bended knee to the world’s worst thugocracies and begged them to sell us more gas. 

He turned a border problem into a border crisis, and then into a border conflagration.  Next up: border-mageddon!

He’s spent more of other people’s money faster than Britney Spears’ dad and Hunter Biden, combined!

Let me sum it up this way:

In his first year in office, the President of the United States went to Rome, and pooped on the Pope…

(let me engage my Sam Kinison filter)

…and that DIDN’T EVEN MAKE THE TOP 10 LIST OF THE WORST THINGS HE’S DONE THIS YEAR!   OH!! OHHHHHH!!!

It’s been a long 40 years, and it’s only been 40 weeks.

Avenatti/Britney Spear’s Estranged Father, 2024!

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.  I load up 3 columns in a row, and before I can even post the second one, another explosive story breaks out in Wisconsin.  

This story is so fresh, and so painful, that I don’t have the heart to write too much about it yet.  I know that soon the details will come out, and we’ll hear about the sweet grandparents and the heartbreakingly young band members who died or were injured, and we’re all going to get so furious that we can’t see straight. 

While it’s too soon to digest this yet, and our focus now should be on praying for and setting up funds to help the survivors in any way we can, I hope that in the fullness of time we’ll all do our part to ram this story down the malevolent, lying left’s throat! We already know that the murderer is a racist BLM member with a long criminal record, and I’m sure that we’re going to find all kinds of leftist pols and policies that worked together to make sure that his creep was free to work his evil last night.

Let’s shine the light on this disaster, and hold the guilty people responsible.  

In the meantime, I’m trying to steer my rage into mockery.  While it’s probably too soon for that – and I won’t hold it against any of you who want to skip the next paragraph – here are my first thoughts when I heard about the story and saw the killer’s ugly mug this morning:

1. Wow, this guy must be the new black face of white supremacy!

2. Some of the kids that this monster drove through were band members, so I’m assuming that the MSM is already hard at work, investigating how many of them brought their instruments across state lines.

3. Many of his other victims were apparently part of a “dancing grannies” group.  Due to their age, I’m sure many of them read Huckleberry Finn when they were in school.  So they undoubtedly read the “n” word, and therefore deserved what they got, right?

4. How many more people have to be lost to the scourge of car violence before we pass some common-sense SUV-control legislation?!

In conclusion, friend you, Ruffalo and CNN and MSNBC, and the sleazy IL Dem who posted that this mass murder was karma for the Rittenhouse.  Friend you, MSM, and your unholy army of BLM apologists.  Friend you, and the horse you rode in on.

And let’s go Brandon!

Now we return to our regularly scheduled column…

1. The Rittenhouse trial was not different in kind from other racially inflammatory trials, but it was different in degree.  The leftist fringe and the MSM – but I repeat myself – revealed their bone-deep dishonesty in a way that they never have before.  (And they’ve been revealing it in various and sundry ways for the last 40 years at least!)

Not because their lies about Rittenhouse’s case were any more egregious than their lies about the Jacob Blake case, or the Michael Brown case, or the Trayvon Martin case, or the George Floyd case, etc.

Criminal cases are so fascinating in part because of their dramatically ambiguous nature: the stakes are often life-and-death, the characters often represent a wide variety of human behavior from the best to the worst, and the truth can be devilishly elusive.  Eyewitnesses and experts testify for both sides, and make opposing claims about facts, and provide opposing interpretations of those facts.  

Crucial points often come down to “he said vs. she said,” and establishing the varying levels of credibility of flawed human beings is not an exact science.   There is often a Rashomon effect with testimony, so that half a dozen people report the facts in half a dozen different ways.

Therefore, when both sides throw accusations and fight about the verdict after it comes in, there is usually at least SOME evidence to bolster each side’s position, and at least partially justify their anger.

But in this case there is none of that, because the actions being debated were ALL captured on video, and anyone could watch them, and many did.  Despite that, the far left still could not stop themselves from lying about it!

One prominent leftist after another — talking head after celebrity after Youtuber after activist – took to the web to scream that events happened that everyone can see did NOT happen.  They said that Rittenhouse chased Rosenbaum, but the video shows the opposite.

They said that Huber was unarmed and Rittenhouse went after him, but the video shows Rittenhouse running away, getting knocked down, and then Huber slamming him in the head with a skateboard.

They said that Gaige “Big Douche” Grosskreutz was unarmed and no threat to Rittenhouse, but the video shows him pointing his very real gun at Rittenhouse right before Rittenhouse ruined Grossdouche’s dreams of becoming the arm-wrestling champion of the greater Kenosha metro area.  (HA!)

And it’s not like the video is some grainy, distant shots of Big Foot or the Loch Ness monster.  It’s not even like the Zapruder footage! 

You can watch the whole thing unfold in hi-def, from multiple camera angles; there’s even overhead drone footage!  The visuals on these murderous attacks have more production values than a Spielberg movie!

And STILL the elite left insists that you didn’t see what you just saw.

They’ve managed to recreate the old, farcical joke:  A wife comes home to catch her husband in flagrante with another woman.  To make this relatable, picture the players as a flatulent CA Dem congressman playing that “Wang Dang Sweet Fang Fang” with a commie spy, or maybe a certain jihadi-enthusiast MN Dem congresswoman catching her brother/husband in bed with one of their other sisters.

The aggrieved party is outraged, but the cheating spouse says, “This isn’t what it looks like.  Who are you going to believe – me, or your lyin’ eyes?”

Well this case was EXACTLY what it looked like, and now the institutional left is telling us that our eyes are liars. 

2. The good news in the aftermath is also the most heart-breaking news: there were no serious riots, looting, arson or property damage in Kenosha on Friday night.

That’s great, right?  But it’s also heart-breaking, because it proves that all of the horrific violence, arson, looting and destruction that happened in blue cities throughout our nation in 2020 did not have to happen.  The billions of dollars in damages, the lives lost and the lives ruined – all of it was unnecessary.

Because it’s really not that hard to stop rioters in their tracks.  On Friday, the police in Kenosha made a show of force, and the National Guard was nearby, and even though the manic, racial-arsonist MSM were panting for days about how WI was “bracing for unrest,” the brave wusses of Antifa and BLM weren’t feeling particularly froggy, and they did not jump.

Because like bullies everywhere, they are big-talking cowards who only attack in groups, and against smaller and weaker victims. 

I’m in the process of reading Andy Ngo’s great book about antifa, and the part I didn’t know was how long it took for the thug armies of antifa and BLM to work themselves up to destroying whole city blocks, and bring major cities to their knees.  I thought that the process had been incendiary and quick, catching those cities by surprise.

But even though events sometimes went from bad to worse pretty quickly, Ngo documents how it took consistent, repeated acts of cowardice and encouragement from the spineless, America-hating Marxists governing Seattle, Portland, Minneapolis, Kenosha, et. al. to turn a few violent creeps into rampaging mobs.

The pattern was similar everywhere: small acts of property destruction and isolated protests would crop up, and the police would do nothing.  The media and the Dem pols would bloviate about how the protestors’ cause was righteous and justified.  The violence would ratchet up, the destruction would escalate, the riots would spread.

The riot-sympathizers in local government would make some token arrests, but then immediately release the thugs on reduced or even no bail immediately.  (Que Mala herself – with popularity ratings hovering in the neighborhood of “IRS lawyers” and “testicular cancer” – helped raise bail money for the scumbags in MN.) The same small group of nihilistic mouth-breathers would be arrested and released again and again, and they began to travel from city to city, racking up strings of toothless arrests, which in their low-IQ community count as badges of honor. 

That’s right – they crossed state lines to riot!  Funny how Don Lemon and Fredo never got their panties in a bunch about that.

In a cycle that should have surprised nobody except those who went to public schools in Dem-run cities, the old cliche about human behavior was proven true again and again: you get more of what you reward, and less of what you punish. 

The far-left politicians running the big blue cities kept rewarding violence, aggression and theft, so they kept getting more of it. 

Which brings me back to Kenosha on Friday night.  After last year’s experience, even the decent, blue-collar Democrats of Wisconsin were not willing to tolerate another wave of violence carried out by another wretched hive of pedophiles and other felons against their city.

And the conservatives who never fell for the antifa and BLM propaganda in the first place gladly accepted their fellow citizens into the fight.

And wouldn’t you know it?  There didn’t need to be a fight.  Because a bunch of good guys with guns – a lot of them in the uniforms of police or National Guardsmen, but more than a few willing to exercise their own 2nd amendment rights – stood up to the creeps.  And the creeps slunk off with their tails between legs.

I hope we can all remember this, the next time some antifa or BLM criminals try to start trouble again.

Coming up next: a recap of the lowlights of Biden’s first 10 months…

Avenatti/Darrell Brooks (Two Dem Role Models for Our Time!) 2024!

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If you enjoyed this column, please share it.  To see more of Martin’s columns, go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com. 

I like to think that I’m in the “one-part commentary, two-parts mockery” business.  And brother, business is booming!  On Friday, I was trying to recap some of Biden’s latest escapades when the Rittenhouse verdict came in.

After listening to some Ray Charles singing “O Happy Day!” and bounding around the house with Cassie the Wonder Dog like a couple of loons, I sat down to write up some final thoughts on that case.  And soon I had enough material for multiple columns.

Since the main complaint about my disquisitions is that they can be too long (How dare you!), I thought I’d break my snarky thoughts into three separate columns, and post them over the next three days.  Consider this my Thanksgiving gift to the CO nation!

So remember last week, when I said that at least Thomas Binger hadn’t pooped on himself in the courtroom?  Well I spoke too soon.  

Because during closing arguments he treated that courtroom the way Joe Biden treated the Pope’s private quarters – the fecal matter was flying like it had been piped through a pressurized sprinkler system!  

That had to be the worst legal self-immolation since the ink was fresh on the Magna Carta.  (With the possible exception of that time when Mike Nifong ended up getting disbarred and going to jail because of how badly he botched the Duke lacrosse case.)  

Where to begin? 

As part of his rambling, delusional, dishonest closing statement, he praised the rioters in Kenosha, calling them “a crowd full of heroes.”

This is WAY worse than what the dishonest MSM claimed that Trump said when he referred to “good people on both sides” in Charlottesville.  (He was talking about the two sides in the debate over removing confederate statues.  Go to the video tape, because two sentences later he said, “And I’m not talking about the white nationalists, who should be condemned totally.”)

Because Binger wasn’t even saying that there are good people on both sides; he’s saying that ALL of the “heroes” were on the side of the looting, rioting arsonists, apparently including the frighteningly high proportion of felons and sex offenders among them.   

He also came up with a very weird take on what self-defense means, starting with a non-sequitur: “You cannot claim self-defense against a danger you create…. If you’re the one who’s threatening others, you lose the right to claim self-defense.”

That might be true, except that it is manifestly NOT what happened in this case.  Rittenhouse didn’t make the three felons dangerous – they were raping kids, beating up women and racking up felonies before Rittenhouse could even walk – and he wasn’t threatening anybody.

Then Binger invented a novel restriction on self-defense, stating that,“You lose the right to self-defense when you’re the one who brought the gun.”

Now I may not be some fancy law-talking guy (hat tip to Lionel Hutz from the Simpsons), but even I know that that doesn’t make sense.  A gun is often the best means of self-defense; you might even say that it’s often a pre-requisite for self-defense.  So carrying it can obviously not invalidate your right to defend yourself with it! 

Like, you know, if three felons attack you.  On video.

Then, because he hadn’t stomped on enough rakes, Binger tried to rehabilitate Rapey Rosenbaum, and cast him as a victim.   He adopted an obnoxious, sarcastic, sing-songy dismissal of the import of Rosenbaum’s actions that night: “He set a small fire.  He swung a chain.  He pushed a dumpster out into the street to create a roadblock.” 

Those are all crimes, you idiot!  They might not be mass murder or war crimes, but they are the kinds of things that a mob of a-holes did as they were destroying your jurors’ hometown last year! 

Then he said, “And he also said the n word,” and literally made a “tsk tsk” sound, and wagged his finger.  As if he were talking about something so trivial that it’s ridiculous to even mention.

Has he not lived in this country for the last couple of decades?  Saying “the n word” gets people thrown out of society; it gets you disinvited to a college you’ve already been accepted into, and gets you fired from your job.  It ruins your life.

The entire leftist commentariat and MSM want uttering it to be almost a capital offense!  They want Rittenhouse’s life – and the life of every cop, celebrity, sportscaster and streetsweeper who has ever said that word – destroyed.  The worst thing they can call you – worse than pedophile, or jihadist, or serial killer – is a white supremacist. 

And an old tweet with that word in it, even if it comes from when you were 13 years old and quoting rap lyrics, brands you as a white supremacist.

In fact, I won’t even allow myself to type or say the word, nor will anyone else.  We speak in hushed tones, and say “the n word,” like we’re orthodox Jews typing G_d, or Christians refusing to take His name in vain.

Meanwhile, Sophocles Binger is joking about what a trivial thing it is, and at the same time reminding the jury that the deceased child rapist said that word a lot!  And not back when he was in junior high, but within an hour or so before he attacked Kyle Rittenhouse on the night he was justifiably shot.

Oh, and Binger also pointed a rifle at the jury, with his finger on the trigger, like a lunatic.

When Binger sat down, shiny with flop sweat, and Rittenhouse’s attorney whispered to the other prosecutor – I don’t want to body shame, but he’s the one shaped like Chris Farley without the talent – “I’ll bet you cannot possibly do a worse job than the Bingster just did!”

And Tommy Boy said, “Hold this enormous turkey leg and giant Big Gulp, and watch this.”

And he stood up and gave yet another metaphysically horrendous closing.  At one point he suggested that even if Rittenhouse’s three attackers might have intended to assault him, “Everybody takes a beating sometimes, right? Sometimes you get in a scuffle, and maybe you do get hurt a little bit.  That doesn’t mean that you can just start plugging people…”

And I can only infer that the normal cheeseheads on that jury thought, “The hell it doesn’t!”

We’re Americans!  We don’t shrink from a necessary fight, and we are not in the “taking avoidable beatings” business.  Which is why the geniuses who founded our country wrote the 2^nd amendment.  Has Mr. Lives-in-a-van-down-by-the-River never read any American history?

When General Cornwallis told us rustics that we were just going to have to take a Redcoat-administered beating, we introduced him to a little device called the Kentucky long rifle.  

When the Democrat slave holders told us we’d have to accept the early beatings that Robert E Lee gave us, the first GOP president responded with Grant and Sherman and a lot of union guns.  

When the imperial Japanese told us that most of our fleet had been sunk and Pearl Harbor was on fire, so we’d need to accept our beating, we responded with Bull Halsey, Navy dive bombers, the US Marines and a one-two nuclear punch called Binger’s Buddy (HA!) and Little Boy.     

So no, Kyle Rittenhouse did not need to take a beating from the three criminals who attacked him that night, and trust that they’d stop short of killing him.  (Or maybe raping him, given Rosenbaum’s favorite pastime.)  

Rittenhouse is an American citizen, and he was carrying a legally owned firearm that night, unlike Gaige Big-Douche, whose criminal record meant that he wasn’t allowed to carry the pistol that he tried to kill Rittenhouse with.

And just like a Kentucky long rifle beats Redcoats, and union armories beat less equipped southern Democrats, and nukes beat kamikazes, an AR-15 beats chains, skateboards and a pistol wielded by a cowardly domestic abuser with slow reflexes.

Almost more fun than watching the prosecutors crash and burn was watching the lefty celebrities and pundits going bat-guano crazy in public.  

Many celebs sent around a copy-and-paste tweet that they mistook for profundity: “I want to live in a country where Colin Kaepernick is seen as a hero and Kyle Rittenhouse is seen as a terrorist.” 

My first sarcastic response was along the lines of, “I’d like to live in a world where Kaepernick could hit a receiver on a short crossing pattern, and was good enough not to be benched in favor of the immortal Blaine Gabbert…”

But of course the only correct response is:  You want to live in a country where Kaepernick is a good guy and Rittenhouse is a bad guy?  We want you to live there, too. 

Please go there now, you delusional a**hats!

Up next: a few lessons to be learned from the Rittenhouse case…

Avenatti/ Gaige “noodle-arm” Grosskreutz, 2024!

First, let me thank everyone who commented on my two columns last week.  I’ve been busy with annoying real-world time-sucks, but I read all the comments, and appreciate the shared thoughts (and the compliments, of course!), and am really grateful for every reader of the CO site.

Second, Christopher Silber is an economic genius, and CO did a great thing by getting him to write here.  He explains financial and economic issues understandably and clearly, and if any of you have missed some of his pieces, you can find his compilation at http://www.cautiouseconomics.com/p/articles-by-subject.html?fbclid=IwAR0sS4yxwa–WIOjEpPzMYMsZBWxDUEV40lSZ4IlMme7_v5Fy4NNvZF6VRc

I met Christopher several summers ago, when CO and the COSE got a group of the CO site readers and contributors together in Denver, and we all had a great time.  I’m hoping that we can do that again sometime soon!

Third, I wanted to dive right in on the Rittenhouse trial, but Obama gave a speech in Europe that reminded me what an obnoxious creep he is, and how glad I am that he’s gone.  That guy has gotten more mileage out of a preferred racial background, a fawning media, superficial glibness and a grotesquely high self-estimation of his own intelligence than anyone in the last century, at least.

So I thought I’d throw a few verbal rib kicks in on him.

He was giving a speech in Scotland, and he glibly said that since he was in the Emerald Isle, he wanted to quote the Bard, William Shakespeare. 

Except that the Emerald Isle is Ireland.  And Shakespeare is English.  And the Scots have their own bard, and his name is Robert Burns.  Other than that, he nailed it!  (I’m guessing that all white folks look alike to Barry O, so he can’t be expected to keep them straight.)

Not content with having demonstrated his ignorance of where he was and whom he was addressing, Obama went on to demonstrate his ignorance of the subject he was discussing, by whining about how Trump “unilaterally left the Paris Accord,” an action that will obviously destroy our planet by carbon-icide.

Never mind that Obama flew to give his lecture on a carbon-spewing private jet. (He probably thought he landed at Heathrow, which as far as he knows is in Scotland.) 

And overlook the fact that the Paris Accord is as phony as Lizzie Warren’s Cherokee backstory (#wemustneverstopmockingher).  It’s an agreement with arbitrarily decided carbon output goals, signed onto by a bunch of countries that have all failed to meet those goals, with no enforcement mechanism, and no authentic buy-in from the nations that put out the most carbon per capita.

It’s a pledge with the reliability of Bill Clinton’s wedding vows.

And hey, Barry?  You know why Trump was able to “unilaterally” pull us out of the Paris accord?  Because you “unilaterally” forced us into it. 

Rather than following our constitutional system and getting the legislative branch to put forward and vote on a legislation for us to join Paris – after first consulting and persuading the American people on that, the way our representatives are supposed to do – you took an arrogant short cut.  You knew that the American people wouldn’t support signing on to a meaningless, virtue-signaling international gesture like this, and therefore congress wouldn’t pass it.

So you said, “screw them.  I know best!”  And you acted on your own.

In other words, you unilaterally stuck us with a meaningless accord, and Trump unilaterally got us out of it. 

Okay, the Rittenhouse trial:

Rarely do you ever get such a black-and-white example of good versus evil in a public trial, and with total video coverage to boot.  If you haven’t been living in a cave, you already know the general outline.

But I don’t think enough attention has been paid to one obvious fact: none of this wouldn’t have happened if the police had been allowed to do their job, and put down the riots and jail the rioters the moment they started rioting!   If they had, the reaction of many – “People shouldn’t be out there with guns; they should let the police handle it.” – might actually carry some weight.

Instead, the terrible leftist local and state government abandoned Kenosha to peacefully violent leftist rioters, looters and arsonists. They prevented the cops from distributing well-deserved servings of rubber bullets, tear gas and mass arrests and prosecutions to the thugs. 

Sidebar: In a hypothetical Edenic world in which I were King of Kenosha, I would have had the cops fire  volleys of grapeshot into the rioters, followed immediately by a cavalry charge of mounted border patrol – who might as well be in WI, since they are being prevented from doing their job along the border – using their reins as whips. 

And also using their whips as whips. 

Then, I would have the cops deploy a fleet of paddy wagons, into which the hateful miscreants could be tossed, and taken straight to prison.

And no, I wouldn’t call them, “Irish-American wagons.”  Because the kind of weirdos who are driven to substance abuse by hearing “paddy wagon” would be banned from my realm.  

Anyway, one startling revelation to come out of this trial is that you can apparently get a law degree out of a box of Cracker Jacks in this country.  Otherwise, what could possibly explain the abysmal performance of prosecutor Thomas Binger?  

To be fair to him, he had a tough job: he was prosecuting a case that never should have been brought, and he’s got no convincing evidence on his side.  But that’s where the positives have to stop.

This guy is the Joe Biden of prosecutors.  He bumbles.  He stumbles.  He’s the slowest wit in the room.  So far he’s managed not to poop in the courtroom, but the trial isn’t over yet.

It’s hard to pick his dumbest moment, but I have a few contenders.

1.With eyewitness Richie McGinniss, Binger adopted the kind of disingenuous and sarcastic line of questioning that gives lawyers everywhere a bad name.  He snidely insisted that McGinniss and Rittenhouse could not possibly have guessed what was in the mind of Joseph Rosenbaum right before he got shot.  “You have no idea what Mr. Rosenbaum was ever thinking… You have never been inside his head, you never met him before… so your interpretation is completely guesswork.”

And then, in a surpassingly beautiful moment, the witness delivered a deadpan equivalent of a marital aid wrapped in barbed wire and manually inserted in the prosecutor’s Schumer.  Then turned sideways.

Quoth the Eastwoodian witness:  “Well he said f*ck you and grabbed for the gun.”  

Ouch!

2.  With another witness, Binger waded into yet another rhetorical roundhouse punch flat-footed.  The witness testified that earlier in the evening, Rosenbaum told several people that, “If I catch you alone tonight, I’ll kill you.”

Binger said, “He said that to you?”  When the witness said, “Yes,” Binger said, “But did he say it to the defendant?” 

At this point every sentient bi-ped in Christendom had to believe that the answer was going to be, “no,” because if Rosenbaum had directly threatened Rittenhouse, self-defense is pretty much a lock.  And no minimally competent lawyer would ask a question he didn’t know the answer to, let alone one that he knew the answer would torpedo his case!

But the witness said, “Well, [Rittenhouse] was right there. So, yes.”

D’oh!  If Binger takes too many more rakes to the forehead, he’s going to end up with a AOC-ian level of cognitive impairment.

3.Binger might have sounded even dumber – if that’s possible – when he questioned Rittenhouse.  The kid testified that earlier in the evening, he ran toward a fire to put it out, and there’s video of him carrying a fire extinguisher at one point.

Binger:   You decided you needed to run because of the fire?

Rittenhouse:   Yes.

Binger:   Why? What was so urgent?

Rittenhouse:   Uh, it was a fire?

Binger: There’s fires all over the place. So?

That’s an actual exchange, from an actual trial. The best argument the prosecutor can make about his leftist-run city relies on the fact that it is so horribly governed that there’s no reason to even try to fix things: “Lawless mobs are destroying the city, and there are fires everywhere.  So?”

Great job, WI Democrats!

Things didn’t get better for Binger.  On Friday, he cross-examined journalist Drew Hernandez (don’t let his Hispanic-ness fool you – he’s a white supremacist!) who recorded much of the riot in Kenosha, including many scenes involving Rittenhouse. 

Sidebar: I know that in most trials, a lawyer will try to call witness testimony into doubt.  “When you say you saw the defendant clearly on the day in question, isn’t it true that the man you saw was 30 yards away from you, and it was foggy, and you wear thick glasses and think Maxine Waters is attractive?”

But you know what is not available in most trials?

(Cueing Sam Kinison for the defense):  “VIDEO EVIDENCE OF THE ENTIRE EVENT!!  OH!  OHHHHHH!”

What is the point of trying to suggest that something might have happened in some other way, when multiple video angles show that it happened THIS way?

And yet Binger kept stepping in it.   He took an justifiably grating, condescending tone while asking Hernandez this question, which I swear I am not making up:

“Your videos that you have captured of these incidents that you call riots.  They’re very slanted against… the people who are rioting – you characterize them as Antifa, Black Lives Matter rioters, correct?”

Hernandez: “Because they are rioting in the footage. Yes, absolutely.”

Good lord.  The answer was obvious, but Binger walked into it anyway.  And his question might make sense if there were no video record: “These events that you call riots?!” 

As if many people might call them Gandhi-esque peaceful protests.  Or square dancing, or origami class, or Bible study.

That might work if you didn’t have video.  But you do!  And they clearly show rioting!  Hours and hours of rioting!!

And “your video is slanted against the rioters??”  The video captured what actually happened.  There were no special effects.  It wasn’t edited.  It depicts reality.  How on earth could unedited video be slanted, you buffoon?

So Binger obviously doesn’t understand people, or questioning, or logic.  But it turns out he doesn’t understand the law, either, because he actually tried to make Rittenhouse’s silence after the crime seem sinister, and indicative of his guilt.  The judge jumped in and reamed him on this very basic element of American and constitutional law.

This isn’t just something a first-semester law student should know.  This is something that anyone who has watched 2 or more cop shows in her life should know! 

When the cop confronts the suspect and starts putting on the cuffs, he reads the most famous warning in the West.  It starts out with, “You have the right to…”

If you guessed that what comes next is, “… be considered guilty until proven innocent,” You are probably Thomas Binger.

If you guessed, “…to poop on the Pope,” you’re probably Joe Biden.

If you are literally anyone else, you correctly said, “…to remain silent.”

And yet Binger tried to smear Rittenhouse because he waited to have a lawyer present before he answered questions.

The last thing that strikes me is the stark contrast between Rittenhouse and the creeps who got shot.

Rittenhouse has no criminal record.  He’s been a lifeguard, he’s taken some EMT training, and he was caught on camera cleaning graffiti off a building and giving some basic medical help to someone earlier that night.  It might not have been wise to go to that lawless city, but he went there to help protect property, and the only people he shot that night were people who were attacking him.   

Compare him to his assailants.

The best thing about the three guys who got shot is that two of them are dead, and so can’t be questioned in court, and make Rittenhouse’s case for him, the way that the survivor did.

But all three had criminal records. Rosenbaum had convictions for 5 cases of child rape among his other crimes, and while Rittenhouse was putting out fires, Rosenbaum was starting them.  Anthony Huber had multiple violent and weapons felony convictions; you can find a lineup of 10 mug shots of him over the years, and he looks like someone who might likely get shot in all of them.

By the way, he’s the one who chased Rittenhouse, and bashed him with a skateboard when he was down. 

Yes: he brought a skateboard to a rifle fight.  And as everyone knows who has played rock, paper, skateboard, rifle… rifle always beats skateboard.

That leaves Gaige Grosskreutz.  My German is a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure that “gross” means big.   I’m going to guess, based on nothing but my usually peerless instincts, that “Kreutz” is German for “douche.” 

It turns out Big Douche also has a long criminal record, including everything from theft to assaults against his grandma and a girlfriend, and driving drunk with an illegally possessed gun.  He was not legally entitled to carry the gun he threatened Rittenhouse with, and Rittenhouse didn’t shoot him until el Grande Douche-o pointed the gun at him.

All of which Grosskreutz testified to.  Not for the defense – he was Binger’s star prosecution witness!

The case is supposed to go to the jury this week.  The dullard politicians in Kenosha have positioned 500 National Guard troops nearby, proving that they might be capable of learning. 

If justice is done and Rittenhouse is exonerated, and leftist thugs begin to riot, the WI National Guard can reach me via the CO website for some sage advice about how to proceed.

Spoiler alert: aim small, miss small.  And fix bayonets.

Avenatti/Grosskreutz, 2024!

I hope everyone had a contemplative Veteran’s Day.  I binge-watched Band of Brothers for what must be the 12^th time at least, and was once again struck by the huge gulf between the amazing valor of so many people who have fought and died for this country, and the vast army of undeserving whiners who will never acknowledge how indebted they are to our military and their sacrifices.

Speaking of whiners, at this point it almost seems unfair to be rhetorically kicking the Biden administration and our leftist elites.  They provide such a target-rich environment, and they are so pathetic and incompetent, and their future is so bleak that one almost feels sorry for them. 

Almost.

But I’m trying to find some comedy in this farce, partly to lower my own blood pressure, and partly to entertain the fine people in CO nation who seem to enjoy watching our oppressors get the verbal rib kicks that they so richly deserve.

I’ve been taking a few notes over just a few days, and I’ve already got several columns’ worth of material.  I’ll hold off on the Rittenhouse stuff – which is a rich vein all by itself! – until Monday, and take a quick romp through a few other stories that caught my attention, and triggered my gag reflex.

First, Joe Biden has a serious problem with his sphincter. 

And that’s not a subtle set-up for a Comma-La/Que Mala joke.  I don’t mean the metaphorical, political sphincter that he picked for a running mate.  I mean the actual orifice.

Multiple reports from the foreign press claim that Joey Gaffes had a bathroom accident during his meeting with the pope, necessitating the killing of a live video feed, followed by frantic cries of whatever is Italian for, “Clean-up on aisle 7!”

A day or two later, during a meeting with Camilla Bowles, Boris Johnson and some other British big shots, Biden is reported to have crop dusted the crowned heads with a particularly impressive (dare I say “long-winded”?) bout of flatulence. 

Or, as it is colloquially known in my house, he “pulled a Swalwell.”

Even bringing this up feels a bit like responding to Biden’s low blow with one of my own.  (HA!)  Because all of us who are lucky enough to live very long lives will likely end up watching infomercials for walk-in tubs and Life Alert bracelets, and using coupons for bulk purchases of Depends.

But you know what we won’t be doing in that phase of our lives?  Abandoning Americans in Afghanistan, destroying the economy, paying illegals for breaking our laws, and abusing as much authoritarian power over free citizens as we can get our hands on.

Remember when leftists called Reagan “an amiable dunce?”  Never mind that that was a lie told by small people. 

But after seeing the last 128 months of Joe Biden – a malevolent dunce; an incontinent dunce; a dunce that graduated at the bottom of his class in Dunce School – wouldn’t it be a refreshing change if the dunce in the white house were at least amiable?  Is that too much to ask?

Speaking of clueless dopes who are full of it, did you see the video of the Microsoft wokesters’ training video?

It was hilariously stupid for two main reasons.  First, all of the speakers introduced themselves by name, followed by giving a description of themselves and the clothes they were wearing, and the (ugh!) pronouns they go by.

The company says that they are giving the physical descriptions for the benefit of the “blind-as-a-bat” community.

Sorry, that’s “differently sighted.”  Or maybe “ocularly challenged.”

But why?  What difference should your appearance make in this context?  Is your blathering on about synergy or horizontal integration or the onboarding timeline going to be any more or less insufferable because of the color of your dress? 

For that matter, what if some of your ophthalmically non-conforming audience have been blind from birth, and have no idea what a red dress looks like?  And spoiler alert, if you’re a male who lists female pronouns but sounds like James Earl Jones, you’re fooling no one.  

Even the blind can see through that!

Interestingly, the male co-leader says, “I’m Nic Fillingham, and I’m a caucasian man with a beard, I go by he/him, and I’m a security evangelist here at Microsoft.”

Let’s skip right past the obvious: if “security evangelist” is your job description, you have made a terrible career mistake.

But if you’ve watched this, I’ll bet something else struck you, too.  The guy chooses as his follicular description, “I’ve got a beard.”

Millions of men have beards, but this guy is really burying the lede, because he also has… A MOHAWK!

You heard me.  The guy’s got a hairstyle that is worn by no one but some long-dead Mohawk Indians (of course), Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver, a handful of special forces bad-asses, and Elizabeth Warren.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But he’s going with the beard as his main descriptor.

Speaking of questionable Indians, a following segment starts with a lady who says this, which I swear I am not making up, even though I am guessing at many spellings, since I have a life to live, and it’s not worth my time to look these things up: 

“First, we want to acknowledge that the land where the Microsoft campus is situated was traditionally occupied by the Summamish, the Duomish, the Snoquami, the Suquamish, the Muckleshoot, the Snohomish, the Tulayla and other coast Saylish peoples since time immemorial. A people that are still here, who continue to honor, and bring to light, their ancient heritage.”

Yes, they’ve been bringing tons of light to their ancient heritage.  Which is why you’ve never heard of any of these tribes before. 

You have heard of tribes like the Apache, Comanche and Sioux.  And that’s because they were impressive warriors, and when they sent scouts out into the plains, they reported back that the land was occupied by the Summamish and the Duomish, and some squaw named Tulayla, everyone snickered. 

And the chief said, “Okay, bring me my third best horse and my rustiest old tomahawk.  It ought to take us about 10 minutes to send these goofy tribes packing.”

And that is how those tribes were driven to the west coast, where they ended up surrounded by hipster doofi with ironic facial hair and insufferable personalities.

If I had to guess, I’d say that half of those tribe names are made up.  I’m pretty sure that Snoquami and Snohomie are a couple of rappers who have had some run-ins with the law.  And I know that Muckleshoot was a character in a Dr. Suess book!

I think he really gave the Sneetches a hard time for a while there.

Or were the Sneetches one of the tribes that Microsoft displaced?

The whole thing is so stupid.  If Microsoft really gave a Sneetch’s arse about Snoquami and ‘Lil Wayne, they’d give them the high-tech campus and their land back. 

Instead, they just give a meaningless shout out to Snohomie and keep right on pursuing their evil, evil profits!   

Ugh!  Isn’t there at least one person at Microsoft with enough self-respect and common sense to realize that he’s wasting his time, and willing to go out dramatically, by standing up to this woke foolishness?

I’m almost tempted to try to get a job at Microsoft myself, just so I could maneuver myself into position to sabotage their next idiotic video.

“My name is Martin, I’m a ruggedly handsome white man with dreamy green eyes and abs for days.  If you can see me, I don’t need to say what I’m wearing, and if you can’t, it doesn’t make any difference.  But because I know what you are all wondering: boxers.  Also, my eyes are up here, ladies.  My pronouns are “thee/thou,” and my noun is “Your Excellency.”  Now let’s get on with this moronic exercise in corporate virtue signaling and time wasting.”

Finally, you may have missed Mayor Pete’s most recent press conference.  Yes, he’s back from paternity leave to take over our transportation system again.  And just in time!

You probably think that he’d be focused like a laser on the gigantic supply chain debacle that has mortally wounded our economy.  But you’d be wrong.  Because he’s got REAL issues to deal with!

Issues such as: How did our roads get to be so racist, and what can we do about it?

I’m not kidding.  A dullard with a journalist’s credential actually asked post-pregnancy Pete (he’s already lost a lot of the baby weight!) what he was going to do to “deconstruct the racism that was built into the roadways.”

Instead of doing what a minimally sane person would, and saying, “That may be the dumbest thing I’ve heard since AOC’s last tweet,” Pete humored that lunatic, and babbled for several minutes about how the thought of racist roads keeps him up at night.

Before you dismiss him as a complete loon, consider these actual facts that I turned up in my extensive research on this topic.  Did you know that Interstate 65 once owned slaves?  That’s right.  In fact, that one road sired 14 illegitimate lanes and boulevards with its slaves.  I bet you never heard about that in your so-called “history” books, did you?

Also, it’s even worse than that, because many of the offspring of those racist roads were stigmatized because of their mixed heritage.  In fact, they were often called hurtful names such as – brace yourself — “blacktop.”  And do you think it’s a coincidence that even to this day, we spray those beautiful, strong black surfaces with WHITE LINES?! 

Thank God that today we know better, and are doing everything we can to ease the pain of those African-American-top roads.

And that’s to say nothing of the injustice that drove many of our roads to drug use – where do you think the name,“highways” came from? – and to suffer discrimination because of their sexual orientation?  That’s right: won’t anyone think of the poor “bi-ways?”

I just hope that Mayor Pete is up to this big job.  Because as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions!

Along with lots and lots of racism.

Avenatti/Muckleshoot 2024!