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A lot of the best and worst of November involved the mid-term election, and I feel like that has been talked to death.  So this will be an election-free column, and you’re welcome in advance.

Here, then, is an eclectic mix of stories that caught my attention last month:

1.God opens a Job-style can of whoop-arse on Creepy Porn Lawyer.  Be grateful that you didn’t have the November that Michael Avenatti had.  As recently as early October he was riding high on a fetching little filly called Horseface and some speculation that he might make a run for the White House in 2020.  As the Kavanaugh hearings heated up and the media showed a ravenous appetite for more accusers – no credibility required – Avenatti came up with another accuser, this time one who allegedly witnessed a series of obviously fictional gang rapes.

But Swetnick proved to be a sweat act, and she almost immediately backed off of her ridiculous story.  Then the Kavanaugh backlash brought increased attention to the miasma of malodorous sleaze that surrounds Avenatti like a cloud of Democrat rhetoric.  He and Swetnick were referred to the DOJ for investigation of their presentation of false testimony.  His law firm was evicted from their offices for non-payment of rent.  His porn star client accused him of filing a lawsuit against her wishes and behaving unethically.

Usually, you would think that if your porn actress client is saying that her reputation is being tainted by her association with you, that would be the low point of your month. But not for Michael Avenatti.

Because next up, he was accused of beating up his estranged wife.  The good news? It wasn’t his estranged wife.  The bad news?  It was his mistress.  The worse news? Witnesses report him yelling to the cops who showed up, “She hit me first!”

Nice legal defense, Rumpole of the Bailey.

Allow me to remind you of the top two rules of politics in 2018:

1. If you’re a pasty white northeasterner, don’t pretend to be Geronimo’s great-great-grandaughter. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
2. In the middle of a #metoo frenzy, don’t respond to a violence against women charge by touting your ability as a counter-puncher.

I’m no F. Lee Bailey, but I think he should have gone with the classic old defense of, “I was clenching my fist in righteous anger at the terrible way that Donald Trump has treated women, when my mistress tripped and fell into me, striking my innocent knuckles with her orbital socket.”

I almost feel sorry for Avenatti.  The way things are going for him, he will likely soon come down with boils, and all of his cattle will die, and spokesmen for the Gambino and Genovese crime families will release a statement distancing themselves from Avenatti and questioning whether he is, in fact, of Italian descent.

But I’m still looking forward to his trial, when the prosecution quotes him during the Kavanaugh hearings saying that, “We must always believe the woman!”  And then the Creepy Porn Lawyer will squirm in the witness box, and lean forward and mumble, “Well, not this one, obviously.  Because she’s lying.  I never laid a hand on her.  Also, she hit me first.”

 

2.Speaking of morally bankrupt leftist creeps getting their comeuppance…  Have you been following the saga of the Clintons’ Speaking Tour?  (And if you think I’m too high-minded to go for the “they put the ‘sag’ in ‘saga’ joke, you really overestimate me.)  They’re calling it, “An Evening with the Clintons.”

Which is better than the original title: “Handsy McGroperton and Coughing Cankle’s Whine-Fest ’18.”

Opening night of the tour was November 27^th, and a friendly CNN report (of course) noted delicately that, “the event was not sold out.”

No kidding. I looked it up, and the Scotiabank Arena holds 19,800 people.  I mean, it would hold 19,800 people, if a popular event – like an action-packed curling tournament, or a symposium on buying viatical insurance contracts with no money down – was happening.

Let’s look at CNN’s account again:  “Organizers cut the Scotiabank Arena in half and blocked off the upper level, but as the show got underway there were sections of seats unoccupied.”  Not empty seats.  Empty “sections” of seats.

In the end, they managed to cram 3300 people into the 19,800 seats.   The highlight of the evening – and I am not making this up — was when Hillary had another coughing fit.  Some might say – and by “some” I mean “me” – that that 3 minutes was the rhetorical high point of her entire career in politics.

The crowd seemed a bit disappointed, though, when she didn’t re-create the familiar routine from her presidential campaign, during which she would invariably launch a spirited attack along the lines of, “CAW CAW, CAW CAW CAW!” and then explode into an explosive coughing jag, followed by falling into the side of a limo, or down some temple stairs, or into the open doorway of a campaign jet.

 

3.”Presidents with Enormous Egos for 1000, Alex.”  Also in November, the incredible shrinking post-presidency of Barack Obama continued apace, with two really shameful appearances, even for him.

The first was on November 19^th, when he gave a talk to a bunch of camp followers in Chicago.   The most widely reported quote from that event came in response to a question about climate change, which prompted Obama to wax eloquent on one of this favorite themes: the left already knows how to fix every problem in the world, but evil conservatives keep stopping them:  “The reason we don’t do it [i.e. solve problems like climate change] is because we are still confused, blind, shrouded with hate, anger, racism, mommy issues.”

By “we,” he means “you.”

He goes on to rhetorically stroke himself on how much he believes in “reason and logic and Enlightenment values,” noting that, “people call me Spock for a reason.”

Yes.  And that reason is your ears, which are very weird-looking.

In one sense, Obama’s unearned arrogance is typical of lefty elites.  They are so sure that they are right, and so impervious to mountains of evidence to the contrary (see: socialism, the repeated failure of), that they cannot conceive of a legitimate opposing argument.

If you oppose him, it has to be because of racism.  If you oppose Hillary, it has to be because of sexism.  If you oppose Michelle, it has to be because you have an irrational aversion to scowling people with the shoulders of a welterweight boxer.

Obama also shares the left’s disdain for the common people.  How else could he speak so blithely about how we’re all confused and blinded and shrouded by all things evil?

But “mommy issues?”  What does that even mean?  And it’s pretty rich coming from a guy raised entirely by his mommy, yet who wrote books all about the absentee father he never knew.

A week later, Obama was speaking at Rice University, and he once again played Mr. Modest.  He said that the stock market rise during his presidency and afterward is all because of him.  He said that he brought “homespun values” to the presidency, citing specifically – and I am not making these up – “tell the truth and try to see the other person’s point of view and treat people kindly and with respect.”

What can you say to that?

I mean, besides, “If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor,” and “conservatives are bitter clingers to their God and their guns,” and “you regular Americans are shrouded by hatred, anger and racism.”

I guess those are “homespun values.”  Assuming your home was run by Saul Alinsky, Maxine Waters and Satan.

He even took credit for lower oil and gas prices, and the increase in American energy supplies now.  Really, he did.  After doing everything he could to stop all oil exploration and every pipeline proposal.

It was like watching Harvey Weinstein brag about how he was the one who got that whole “#metoo” ball rolling.

Obama’s total classlessness is still shocking, but it shouldn’t be.  We’re told that Trump is an egomaniac, but Obama literally said that his election would stop the oceans’ rising.  Obama brags with a straight face about how scandal-free his administration was, and how none of his appointees was ever indicted, seemingly unaware that these facts are proof of how corrupt and supine the media was in the face of Fast and Furious, weaponizing the IRS, Benghazi,  etc. and etc.

Barack Obama has gotten more mileage out of sycophantic media coverage and a superficial glibness than any public figure of the last half-century.

4.Non-existent voting fraud almost seems like it might exist.  You might not have heard, but a Texas woman has had her conviction for illegally voting confirmed, and is heading to jail.  You can find the story in the Fort Worth Star Telegram, but I’m going to let you guess which party she voted for.   And which nation she’s not a legal citizen of.

This innocent victim first illegally registered to vote in 2002, and voted in at least 4 elections after that.  In 2014 she moved to a different Texas county, and when she tried to register to vote there, the county told her that as a non-citizen, she could not vote.  So she registered again, this time claiming to be a citizen, and she voted in at least one more election.

The same news story refers to a recent “alleged” voter fraud ring involving at least four named and indicted women.  The five relevant names in the story are Ortega, Solis, Parra and two Sanchezes.  In a totally unrelated story, the Democrat party is desperately trying to ensure that as many millions of illegals from Mexico as possible get into the US immediately.  Also, if you think that any of them would ever think of voting illegally, you are a filthy racist.

And in case any slower-witted readers think that the adjective that we object to in the phrase “Hispanic illegal voters” is “Hispanic,” you have failed the reading comprehension portion of our test.   To begin studying for your re-take of the test, consider the following:

“Canadian illegal voters”

“Scandanavian illegal voters”

“amphibian illegal voters”

Hint: there is one objectionable adjective common to all of these phrases.

Hint 2: “voters” is not an adjective, but a noun.

 

5. R.I.P., creator of Sponge Bob Squarepants. Last week, Stephen Hillenburg died at the age of 57 from the terrible disease of ALS. I’d never heard his name, but I’m the father of two girls aged 16 and 21, and his work brought my girls a lot of happiness.  While I didn’t feel particularly moved by Sponge Bob or Patrick, the show had a demented little minor character named Plankton.

Because I’ve always been more than a little partial to curmudgeon Americans, I liked Plankton.  And my girls absolutely loved him.  So I developed an eerily accurate Plankton impression, which I regularly deployed as part of my wildly successful “Father of the Century” campaign.

A particular favorite was the F.U.N song, which you can Google.  In it, Sponge Bob sings a saccharine version (“F” is for friends, etc.), to which Plankton responds with his own, acid version: “F” is for fire that burns down the whole town, “U” is for uranium (pause) bombs…”

Especially when my oldest daughter needed cheering up, I could launch into my screaming Plankton song, knowing that by the time I howled, “N is for no survivors!” she’d be giggling.

Or mortified, if I did it as I dropped her off at school.  Good times.

Rest in Peace, Stephen Hillenburg.

 

 

 

It’s the time of year to write about all the things we are thankful for, and like most of you, I’ve got more than my share.  A loving wife, two fine daughters, an Aussie shepherd who is the pinnacle of canine virtue.  A Chicago Bears team that is suddenly fun to watch again.  Plus all the opportunities that come from living in the best damn country in the world.  (Pipe down, all of you “She Guevara” Ocasio-Cortez types with that, “You’re celebrating genocide!” schtick.)

But in addition to personal things, I’m also always scanning the news of politics and culture to find things that we as a nation can be grateful for.

Things like the fact that Florida was able to disrupt the attempt by dishonest lefties in Broward and Palm Beach counties to steal the too-close elections of our governor and senator.  I generally don’t like talk of “stealing elections,” but if we don’t implement a sane system of managing an election and preventing fraud, we’re asking for everything we get.

Fortunately, this time around the fright-wigged South Florida Snipe was not able to prevail.

I’m also thankful for all of the left-on-left fighting we’ll be seeing in the near future.  Admittedly, this is finding a silver lining on a pretty dark cloud – I would gladly sacrifice the entertainment in exchange for having the Dems nowhere near the levers of power.  But we optimists find good cheer wherever we can.

And watching the potential Dem presidential candidates try to out-Stalin each other next year is bound to be entertaining.  Especially considering the – I was going to say “Murderer’s Row” of candidates, but that phrase suggests talent and skill.  What’s the opposite of Murderer’s Row?

How about, “Petty Thieves’ Row?”  Malicious Vandals Row?  Bumbling Incompetents Row?

Anyway, consider the potential field of Dem presidential candidates.  Paddy “Beta” O’Houlihan in Texas is 0 for 1 in political races for Senate, so naturally he’s contemplating the presidency.  Spartacus is said to be considering throwing his galea in the ring.  (Yes, that’s a Roman headgear reference.  Because I want this column to be both entertaining and educational.  You’re welcome.)   Bernie is only in his late 100s, so he’s likely to take another crack at it.

Even Hillary is said to be positioning herself for another presidential limp.

Er, run.  Presidential run.

She’s already got her campaign slogan ready to go:  CAW CAW CAW 2020.

Don’t forget Lizzie Warren, who is ready to roll out her “Put up the Teepee in DC” primary tour in the new year.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

I wouldn’t be surprised if Ocasio-Cortez took a stab at it.  If her entire previous job experience as a part-time bartender qualified her to be in Congress (thanks again, blue state voters), why shouldn’t a few months in Congress qualify her for the White House?

By the way, did you catch her interview the other day, in which she referred to the three branches of government as the House, the Senate and the White House?  Or when an interviewer asked her how she would pay for the obscenely expensive package of socialist giveaways that she’s proposing, and she said – and I quote — “I find the question so puzzling because ‘How do you pay for something that’s more affordable? How do you pay for cheaper rent?’ You just pay for it.”  Gee, I wonder why Milton Friedman never thought of that.

(By the way, here’s a VERY partial list of other things that Ocasio-Cortez finds puzzling:  Which shoe goes on which foot.  Where the moon goes in the daytime.  Four-piece children’s puzzles.)

Am I the only one who thinks that if you had walked into the bar where Ocasio-Cortez was working last year and ordered a margarita, you would likely get a glass of dishwater with a lemon slice in it. And then when you pointed that out, she’d apologize and come back with a cup of cream with a tiny umbrella in it and some sawdust sprinkled on top.  And when you pointed that out, she’d furrow her brow and take it away and come back with a soap dispenser from the bathroom.  And then she’d slip in the spilled dishwater and fall, hitting her head, and then slowly get up with little cartoon birds flying around her skull.

Which explains why her eyes look like that.

Anyway, I’m also very thankful that our cranky, small-minded previous president and his scowling wife are not still our president and first lady.  I’m thankful that Jeff Flake is on his way out the door, and that bitter Stacy Abrams is not the governor of Georgia.

I’m thankful that one-eyed badass former SEAL Dan Crenshaw is going to congress.  If you didn’t see his recent interview with a panel of lefty hysterics on Face the Nation, you owe it to yourself to give it a watch.  (And yes, I’m as shocked as you are to learn that that show is still on the air.)

My favorite part was when one of the moonbats breathlessly claimed that Trump “has literally attacked the press,” and Crenshaw responded, “I’ve been literally attacked, so let’s choose our words carefully.”  Boom!  Drop the mike, and the eyepatch.

Finally, I’m thankful that I’ve had the chance to write on this website for almost two years now.  (This is the part when I’d lay in some soft violin and piano music, if this column had soundtrack capabilities.) After the Great Cankle-cide of November 2016, I’d written a snarky email about the joyous aftermath to a small circle of friends.

Though I’d never met him in person, the great and powerful CO was one of those friends.  He emailed back to ask if I’d mind if he posted my email to his new Facebook page.  And after negotiating a six-figure licensing fee, I reluctantly agreed.

HA!  Of course I jumped at the chance to do some ranting to a larger audience than my put-upon wife and the always attentive Cassie the Wonder Dog.  I could not imagine then how much fun it would be to be part of the growing CO nation, or how many great people I would “meet,” or how rewarding a writing experience this would turn out to be.

So this Thanksgiving, I am very thankful for CO, COW, COSE and all of the amazing contributors and readers of the CO page.  I’m grateful to have met some of you in Denver this past summer, and look forward to meeting and spending some time with more of you in Key West in February.  You’ve made my life appreciably more fun that it had already been, and I wish all of you a very happy and safe Thanksgiving.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  BOOM!

When I discussed the midterm results, I was partly too optimistic – I didn’t think there was a chance that extremists like Sinema in AZ (love the nerd glasses, though) or Abrams in GA would ultimately prevail.  I also forgot the adage that the past 20 years of elections should have taught all of us:  we’ve got to win by so much that the left can’t cheat and steal an election.

Mea culpa.  This is where I have to acknowledge and wrestle with my own bias.  I’ve always felt like there is good and bad in all of us, and that no one party has a lock on virtue, and that it’s a bad sign when you start to think that all of the bad actors are on the other side.

On the other hand, look at the last 20 years!  I’d have to have a gold medal in Greco-Roman bias wrestling to be able to escape the conclusion that the sleaziness on the left outweighs that on the right by about 10-to-1.

Consider a few examples:

Yes, the right obviously has some sleazy characters.  We’ve had our share of pols chasing interns around tables and taking political payoffs through the years.  That toe-tapping congressman prowling the bathrooms of DC was a creep, Dennis Hastert was a pedophilic, abusing super-creep, and Roy Moore was… Roy Moore.

But have you noticed how we treat the creeps among us?  In the vast majority of cases, we throw them out.  Nobody knew about Hastert’s sordid past when he was in office, and no one defended him when it came out and he went – rightly! – to jail.  When his proposed successor turned out to have a mistress, his candidacy for House speaker failed.  And a deeply red district elected a Democrat rather than support Roy Moore.

Have you noticed that Dems don’t police their side that way?  Menendez in NJ is a good analogy to Roy Moore in AL.  Menendez has been obviously corrupt for decades, and despite all of this #metoo business, he has basically walked through the halls of congress with a thong-wearing underaged Filipino hooker draped over one shoulder in a fireman’s carry, and a big bag of cash with a cartoon dollar sign on it draped over the other.  So naturally he won re-election by double digits.

The other examples are too numerous and obvious to mention: Bill Clinton groped and raped his way through two terms with no blowback until the last 10 minutes. MA Senior Dirigible and Aquatic Homicide Aficionado™ Ted Kennedy died as the Lion of the Senate, despite a trail of empty kegs and dead or molested young women in his wake.   Pseudo-Hispanic Beto O’Rourke – of the Tijuana O’Rourkes, you ask? – is the son of a white millionaire whose only experience is in the field of  “getting away with a DUI hit-and-run,” and he’s the exciting new It-Boy of the Left.

Also, the nuts who could loosely be described as on our side – David Duke, Richard Spencer types — are fringe characters with no real power in our establishment and are shunned by virtually all national GOP pols.

But the nuts on the left – racial arsonists like Al Sharpton and Maxine Waters and Cowboy-pimp hat lady in Florida – are integral parts of the left establishment.  She-Guevera Ocasio-Cortez has parlayed her vast experience as a part-time bartender into becoming a “thought leader” (and yes, the sarcasm-rating of those quotation marks is 11 out of 10).  Crazy Mazie Hirono is a raving sexist and racist who literally condemned all white men – and she’s a respected figure on the left.

Speaking of leftists who went all Joe McCarthy during Supreme Court hearings, you may have noticed that conservatives have absolutely hated the jurisprudential philosophy of every far left Dem SC nominee for decades – Ginsburg, Kagan and Soto-mediocore (I might have that Spanish spelling wrong).  You also may have noticed that we gave them all dignified hearings, and that many on our side ultimately voted for them, on the grounds that even though we vigorously oppose their philosophy, the president’s choices for SC should be given deference if they are technically qualified.

Now think of the three most shameful smear campaigns/witch trials of modern SC nominees: Bork, Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh.   I rest my case.

I could go on and on: Before the ‘16 election, the Left lambasted Trump because they said he wouldn’t accept the results if he lost.  Since then, the Left has done nothing but throw fits and tantrums and feces because they do not accept the results.  Because they lost.

Finally, have you noticed a pattern of close election results being changed by corruption and various shady dealings on the right?  Any examples of a rightie winning on repeated recounts under fishy circumstances?  (And if you say Bush in 2000, I’m going to rhetorically slap you with a rotting flounder.  Bush was ahead in every count and re-count, despite a dozen leftist scams: not counting military votes from sailors that came in late even though the law specifically allow for that; announcing that Gore had won before the polls had even closed in the panhandle; widespread cheating and chad-deciphering in deep blue Broward and Palm Beach counties.  The lefty Miami Herald did a cursory story after the election that found that over 1000 convicted felons illegally voted – guess who they voted for?)

On the other hand, Al Franken lost on election night, before boxes of late and undocumented ballots showed up in leftist partisan poll workers’ car trunks, and shazam, the Franken-groper wins!  Years ago in NJ, corrupt Dem Senate candidate “Torch” Toricelli was indicted after the legally prescribed deadline for putting in a new candidate, ensuring that the GOP opponent would win.  Until the state Dems went into an illegal session, changed the law, and pulled corrupt old cadaver Frank “the Lout” Loutenberg on the ticket.  Of course he won, despite technically lacking any of what the scientists would call “vital signs.”

And now we have Florida. Again.  A corrupt, fright-wig wearing leftist hack – after failing in multiple previous elections, but somehow being kept in her position – cheats so openly that even the MSM gets embarrassed about it.  I’m sick just thinking about it, but there is a real possibility that the leftists will steal a senate seat, and maybe even the governorship, despite the entire nation knowing that they are cheating.

But the national, mainstream Left does not care.  They never do.

When we lose, we mourn for a while and then get back to our jobs and our families and our lives.  When the Left loses, they threaten people in social media and rampage in restaurants and vandalize property and besiege Tucker Carlson’s house and terrorize his wife.

On the bright side, the loony left is going to give us a lot of entertainment in the next two years, and they should be unhinged enough to give all independent or truly moderate voters second thoughts.

For example, Mad Maxine Waters is already in mid-season form, and she hasn’t even taken power yet.  She was last seen blathering about how, “They fear me because I’m a strong black woman… They’ve never seen anyone like me before.”

No, M-squared, we are repulsed by you, because you are a thug who calls for attacks on your political opponents.  And our children fear you, if they happen to be walking by the tv when you are shrieking one of your screeds, because your face appears to be melting off of your creepy old skull.

And come to think of it, we have seen someone like you before: in the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the German socialists opened the ark and their faces turned into goo.

Spartacus is energized, as is Liz Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher), who says she “is taking a hard look at running for president.”  (Keep reading those smoke signals, Lizzie!) Even Hillary is said to be mulling another run.  Because everyone knows that the third time is a disastrously bad omen.

I mean, “charm.”  The third time is a charm.

I’m hoping that the Dem cheating in Florida doesn’t succeed, and that the newly empowered leftists in the House let their freak flags fly.   And I hope that the entire nation pays attention for the next two years.

As is my traditional practice on election evenings, I got back to Stately Simpson Manor after a hard day’s work and spent a few minutes in prayer, beseeching God to smite my leftist enemies with His fuuurrrious anger (and, this year, to speed up the healing on Khalil Mack’s ankle, while He was at it).  Then I put on my lucky smoking jacket and poured a little scotch, and called my old grad school buddy.

For the last 8 elections or so, we’ve either hung out together, or had some marathon phone conversation about the incoming election returns.  (This is the guy who was friends with CO when he had not yet attained legendary status, and the guy through whom I first made CO’s acquaintance.)  We’ve seen worse elections – Obama’s expected first win, his soul-crushing second win, Al Franken’s ascension to begin groping female posteriors at the senatorial level – and better ones – Bushie’s miraculous comeback over Gore, and the glorious slaying of the Canklesaurus under the intact glass ceiling at the Battle of the Javits Center.

Last night was a mixed bag.  Here are my initial impressions of the highs and lows:

The Good:

We hold Florida, narrowly winning the senate and governor seats.  It was especially aggravating that far-left corrupt-ocrat Andrew Gillum barely lost for governor.  Now he can return to what he was doing before Tuesday: putting on a series of disguises, jumping into a windowless van and racing from one safe house to another, desperately trying to stay one step ahead of an FBI corruption investigation.

And by the way, though I am loath to toot my own horn, I have now played a pivotal role in several crucial elections.  I was among the handful of votes to deny Al Gore the presidency in 2000 and John Kerry in 2004; I helped put Trump over the top in 2016.  And now, I helped give razor-thin victories to Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott.  You are welcome, CO Nation.  (And yes, hitting the tip jar at Martinsimpsonwriting.com would be an appropriate way to express your gratitude, thanks for asking.)

The Dem senators in Red states who voted against Kavanaugh – Donnelly in IN, McCaskill in MO, Nelson in FL, Heitkamp in ND — mostly went down.  We almost got Tester in MT, and Manchin in WV likely saved himself by voting for Kavanaugh at the last minute.  (That shouldn’t have happened, though: he votes with the Schumer far lefties 90+% of the time, so the Rs in WV shouldn’t have let him slip into another term just because he did the right thing one time, and just before the election.) I was so furious at the Dems’ mistreatment of Kavanaugh, and I am loving the schadenfreude of watching at least some of those creeps get defeated because of it.

Adding to our total in the Senate obviously improves our ability to push through the next SC nominee, if and when God appears to Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a dream and convinces her to retire, lest He break out the smiting stick.

But not only did we add a few much-needed Senate seats, we also made a couple of excellent upgrades.  Marsha Blackburn in TN is at least two standard deviations better than the departing Corker.  And if McSally can hold on in AZ, she’ll be a big improvement over the aptly named Jeff Flake.

Speaking of ridiculous names, Democrat Ben Jealous lost the race for Maryland governor, which just illustrates the old political cliché: don’t name your candidate after one of the 7 deadly sins.  (If we consider “jealousy” to be adjacent to “envy.”  Which we do.)  I can’t wait for 2020, when he teams up with VP nominee Bobby Sloth.  And yes, Bill and Hillary will form a husband and wife team – Lust and Wrath, respectively – at State and Treasury. Michael Moore will step up to take the Gluttony position at HUD, and Obama – of course – will bring Pride to the Ambassador to Iran position.

And by the way, nicely done, Barry.  Besides the sure-thing Dems he backed in IL and a few other places – all of whom, absent a meteor strike on Tuesday morning were going to win easily – his endorsement proved to be the kiss of death in all of the close races he bumbled into: Donnelly in IN, Abrams in GA, Gillum in FL and Cordray in OH.

In the feel-good story of the night, eye-patch-wearing SEAL badass Dan Crenshaw wins in Texas, after being mocked by SNL half-boy/half-shrew Pete Davidson last weekend.  We’ve got two words for you, Pete, and they aren’t “Happy Birthday.”

In the feel-weird story of the night, a brothel-owning GOP candidate who died in October won a House seat last night.  When first hearing that, I briefly considered laying off the Scotch.  I mean, I know that many thousands of Democrats routinely vote after they’ve died, but I never heard of anyone winning a race after he died.

I don’t know what it says about the voters in that district, or what it says about the character of that fine, deceased brothel-owning American.  But I do know one thing: the guy he defeated is never going to hear the end of it from his family and friends.

You know how every argument for the rest of his life is going to end:  “Oh yeah?  Well at least I didn’t LOSE TO A DEAD PIMP!”

The Bad –

Obviously losing the House to evil mummy Pelosi’s control is a terrible thing.  On the eve of the election, she touted “San Francisco values.”  Which I guess means that the rest of the country is now supposed to break out the ass-less chaps and get to work on creating Poop Map Apps (again, the worst Dr. Suess book ever) for the entire country.  I do not look forward to watching her shuffle across the well of the house, leaving a trail of her rotting burial wrapping behind her, before clenching her bony fist around the speaker’s gavel, then tilting her head back in a triumphant howl, forming a rictus grin and thus unleashing a furious cloud of stinging wasps out of her gaping maw.

But maybe that’s just me.

Good man and better governor Scott Walker narrowly lost the governorship in WI.  Or as the benighted slight majority in Wisconsin put it, “We’re sick of balanced budgets and a competent state government.  Let’s try a little of that dysfunctional leftism that is slowly turning the once great state of Illinois into a dumpster fire that burns tax dollars.

Speaking of which, Illinoisans replaced an unpopular billionaire GOP governor with a soon-to-be-unpopular billionaire Dem governor who has vowed to immediately begin colluding with the corrupt Chicago Dem machine in an attempt to increase the speed at which the state is plunging toward a fiscal cliff.  So I’m sure that’s going to end well.

Though it wasn’t a surprise, Liz Warren wins again in MA.  Never has the old political saying been more justified: “The MA voters have spoken. The bast**rds.”  I know that you, like me, are praying that she will shortly launch her kamikaze presidential campaign.  (Fun fact: she is actually 1/1023^rd Japanese.  So, rising sun first, whimsically decorated tepee second.)  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Sinema still might win in Arizona, which begs the question: what exactly do you have to do to lose an election in Arizona?  I mean, besides calling your state “the meth lab of democracy” that is full of “crazy people,” and warning others to be careful that their state not turn into Arizona.  And also arguing during the Afghanistan war that it would be okey dokey if American soldiers fought for the Taliban?  I mean, I know that she’s got that hot blonde woman in the nerdy glasses thing going for her – [begin Austin Powers voice] she puts the “sin” in “Sinema,” baby! [end Austin Powers voice] — but come on!

 

I do see a bright side, even in the terrible Dem wins in the House.

It’s true that having the same old leftist fossils once again in power – Pelosi, Mad Maxine, Jerry “the Hutt” Nadler, et. al. – will be a thorn in Trump’s side, and will bog down any useful action in the House for the next 2 years.

But to win the majority, the Dems had to run candidates who appeared to be moderates – including some women with military backgrounds, of all things – in a bunch of House districts.  Good for them, for recognizing that the Chavez-Guavara-Casto-Cortez act wouldn’t play in any but the deepest blue districts.  But I can see two potential silver linings on those victories:

1.Because the Dem majority is a narrow one, the loony leadership are likely to clash with the newly elected alleged moderates.  The extremists at the top have to answer to a crazy extremist base, and they will not tolerate compromise – so some very entertaining blue-on-blue fights are likely.

2.On the other hand, if the newly elected Dems prove to be faux moderates, and vote like their extremist chain of command, they are likely to alienate their voters, and those seats will be vulnerable to turning red again in 2020.

Finally, we must all wince that a vacuous non-entity like Beto O’Rourke – with a Simpson Face Punchability Index (SFPI) of 95 – could come so close to beating Ted Cruz in Texas.  But his undeserved close finish isn’t the most aggravating thing about him, because that would be his phony name.

How can an uber-Irish goofball like Robert Francis O’Rourke just slap a bogus Hispanic nickname in place of his first name, and have the whole world go along with it?  Sure, Declan Patrick MacManus could become Elvis Costello.  But he’s a musical genius.  And he wasn’t trying to pander to under-informed Hispanic voters.

Beta (he sure ain’t no alpha!) has inspired me, though.  From now on, I’d like you all to call me “Julio Drew Simpson.”

Or maybe Martin “Juan” Simpson.

No, no!  I’ve got it!   “El Jefe Simpson.”

I’m going to print up some new business cards in the morning.  My candidacy for a Texas House seat begins in 2019.  Arriba, Arriba! Andale!

Thoughts on the Eve of the Midterm Elections

William Goldman is a novelist and screenwriter who wrote The Princess Bride, which is a fine book and movie.  But that’s not important right now.

He also wrote a book on screenwriting, in which appears perhaps his most famous line: “Nobody knows anything.”   He was talking about movie-making, but his words are equally true about how the election is going to go on Tuesday. Nobody knows anything.

But we all have some guesses.  So here is some of the nothing that I personally know:

I know that I can’t trust my feelings on who is going to win, because the bias is strong within me.  American voters broke my heart in 2012, when they re-elected Obama.  I understood his initial election: he was superficially charismatic, and if you didn’t know much about economics or history or politics, what he said sounded pretty good.  His race gave him a huge boost, despite the left’s slanderous insistence that America is a viciously racist country.  Plus John McCain was a terrible candidate who seemed to intentionally sap conservatives’ will to vote for him.

But by 2012, everyone knew better.  After Obama’s first term — the four biggest yearly deficits ever, the implosion of shovel ready jobs, the botched takeover of healthcare – Mitt Romney was conservative-ish, in a way that seemed tailor-made for the squishy, independent middle of the electorate who always claim to want niceness and moderation.  He would never cheat on his wife with a porn star, and he’d never call anyone “horseface,” no matter how equine her features!

So I didn’t believe the polls showing that Obama was going to win.  How could a majority vote for him against obviously decent Mitt?!

Cue the sad trombones for young Martin, in the dark November of 2012.

Fast-forward four years, and I mostly did believe the polls saying that Trump would lose.  It was hard to imagine a majority voting for Hillary, but I could imagine a ton of people voting against Trump, and with the media spinning and covering up for her, plus her huge money advantage, I lost hope.

Oh me of little faith.

So now here we are.  On the one hand, polls are often wrong, especially when it comes to predicting turnout. On the other hand, the polls in 2016 weren’t wildly wrong.  Despite Trump’s comfortable margin in the electoral college, Hillary did end up winning the popular vote, and a relative handful of votes in a few states made the difference.

But after 2016, I can’t shake the hope that the GOP might barely hold onto the House.  I know that might be mostly sentiment on my part, and that the parties of WH incumbents typically lose tons of seats in their first mid-term, the left is galvanized by Trump-hatred, and etc.

But three things give me hope:

1.The Kavanaugh effect seems to be real, and I can only hope that it still persists.  The Dems behaved so terribly as they smeared him, to the point that even the most politically apathetic people had to see them for what they are, and be repulsed.

2. The illegal immigrant caravan seems to come straight out of central casting to help the conservative cause by illustrating the dangers of giving leftists control.  And when top Democrats respond to even the most thoughtful questions about the wisdom of admitting thousands of unvetted foreigners into our country with cries of “RACIST!” they certainly don’t motivate people to join them. Speaking of which…

3. The existential awfulness of the left’s behavior.  Between screaming protestors repeatedly interrupting the Kavanaugh hearings, and mobs of shrieking jerks hounding politicians through the halls of congress, and mobs of other shrieking jerks harassing people in restaurants and on the streets, I can’t bring myself to think that a majority of my fellow citizens will want to reward that behavior. Especially since the Dems are running on almost nothing except Trump hatred.

On the other hand, I know that you can’t reason someone out of a position or behavior that they did not reason their way into.  And reason is the farthest thing from what motivates those mobs!

So, for what it’s worth, I think the GOP is likely to gain at least a couple of Senate seats.  There is no logical reason why the red state voters in West Virginia, Montana, Indiana and Missouri should vote for Democrats who they know will ultimately vote to support the Schumers and Pelosis of the world, even if Manchin, Tester, Donnelly and McCaskill pretend they’ll be moderates.

There are a lot of very close races – in Florida, Arizona and Nevada, especially – that could swing to the GOP, and if I had to bet, I’d say that the Rs should take 1 of those three, and might take 2 of them.  If it’s a good night for the GOP, they could pick up all 3.

I don’t know what to think about the House.  So many of those races are local ones, and in places (CA and PA specifically) where the battlegrounds are said to favor the Dems.  I would love to see the GOP narrowly hold on to control, but my gut says that they won’t.

I haven’t followed any governors’ races except the one in my state of Florida, and I’m shocked that a corrupt, leftist hack like Gillum appears to be leading in the polls.  I can’t bring myself to believe that he’s going to win.  (Do you sense a subtle theme here?)

It’s an empty cliché, but it really will come down to turnout, and I don’t know what to expect in that area.  I know the Dems – and especially the most rabid ones – have gone to 14 on the Trump-hatred scale, and will likely crawl across broken glass to vote.

But the Kavanaugh hearings seem to have lit a fire under conservatives, and if those in the mushy middle were as turned off as should have been, I think they’ll be enough to stop a blue wave, at least.

I’m hoping that the polls are skewed to the left, and that the outcome is going to be better than we expect.  And I’m hoping that CO nation will all vote.

Unless you’re one of the lefties with the good taste to follow CO. In which case, don’t forget to show up to the polls to vote on Veteran’s Day.

If it looks like the polling place is closed, never mind that.  Just press your face to the glass, and continue to ask if anyone is there, until the sun goes down and the janitor comes out to ask you to go home now.

I was on the road for much of the last week, and was able to follow the news just enough to pick out a few of my favorite things from the last half of October.

You know how if you condense coal under enough pressure, it turns into a diamond?  Well I have a theory that if you did the same thing with a block of a wood – if you exerted such enormous forces that it was forced into a tiny, infinitely dense sliver of super-thick wood – you would not end up with a glossy piece of wood-colored jewelry sure to impress your romantic partner.

You would end up with the cerebral cortex of Don Lemon.

What follows is a quote from Lemon, which I swear to God I am not making up.  He said it in front of a television camera, while apparently sober, on October 29th: “We have to stop demonizing people and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men, most of them radicalized to the right, and we have to start doing something about them.”

Now if you listen to the speech of garden variety idiots – say a drunk in a bar just before closing time, or an ancient Roman who had been drinking water laced with lots of lead, or someone driving a Prius with “Coexist” and “I’m With Her” bumper stickers on it – you’ll notice those folks contradicting themselves a lot.

They’ll say something like, “Gender doesn’t exist,” and five minutes later they’ll say, “Men are terrible, and women are great.”  Or they’ll say, “Homophobia is evil,” and ten minutes later they’ll say, “We can’t judge Muslims for throwing gays off buildings, because they come from a different culture.”

You can probably make a rough judgment about the intelligence of those people by how much time lapses between their contradictory statements.  Because you’d have to be a real dope to push two of those statements together without noticing that they contradict each other, right?

Again, Don Lemon: “We have to stop demonizing people and realize that the biggest terror threat in this country is white men…”

Translation: We must not demonize.  Have I mentioned that white men are demons?

Even that paraphrase can’t capture Lemon’s physics-defying stupidity.  Because there is at least a period separating those two sentences.  But in his version, there is only the humble coordinating conjunction “and” between his two contradictory statements.

 

Speaking of racism-revealing coordinating conjunctions – and to all those who thought I wouldn’t be able to deftly deploy a grammatical-parts-of-speech transition, BOOM! – have you heard the latest gaffe from the Indiana Senate debate?

It seems that Democrat Joe Donnelly is inexplicably leading in his reelection campaign, and he had a debate last week.  Of course, the moderator asked him how he would promote diversity.  (Because that’s the best way to uphold and advance the greatest experiment in democratic self-government in the history of the solar system: create a giant Excel spread sheet and fill it with a count of the genitalia and skin colors of all job applicants.  Thanks, you SJW jerks!)

Donnelly said — and again, this is a real quote – “Our state director is Indian American, but he does an amazing job. Our director of all constituent services, she’s African American, but she does an even more incredible job than you could ever imagine.”

Afterwards, many people pointed out to Donnelly that “but” is a coordinating conjunction which connotes contrast, so his comments seemed to be racially insensitive.  He didn’t seem to get that, so I came up with a few examples of my own, to try to explain the error of his ways:

• My friend is an Asian female, yet she is not a terrible driver.
• My boss is Irish, but I’ve never seen him passed out drunk in a puddle of his own vomit.
• My cousin votes a straight Democrat ticket, yet he can dress himself and is relatively high functioning.

Some of you are probably thinking, “C’mon, Martin.  You’re too smart, and insightful – and dammit, ruggedly good-looking too – to think that Donnelly said something truly offensive.  It was obviously just an innocent slip of the tongue.”

To which I would say, “Thanks, thanks — and aw, shucks, these are just the chiseled features and strong jawline that God gave me – and I could almost give Donnelly a pass.”

But then I remember 2012, when Mitt Romney said that he had “binders full of women” and the Democrats and the media (but I repeat myself) pretended to believe that The Cleanest Man in Utah™ commonly deployed handcuffs and restraints and other devices favored by those of a Clintonian persuasion when working with members of the fairer sex.  And I’d declare that all Democrats have officially given up their “innocent slip of the tongue” passes.

Then I’d fight fire with fire, lefty-style:  I’d point out that Donnelly apparently believes that his staffers are managing to overcome their Indian and African heritage and do good work in spite of those terrible handicaps. Is that the kind of racist whom Indianans want to represent them in the Senate?  Won’t they please think of the children?   Who, I feel obligated to point out, are our future?

Speaking of white leftists who say pretty racially offensive things but somehow don’t seem to pay any price for it, how about that Hillary Clinton?  She was recently interviewed by someone named Kara Swisher in front of a lefty audience, and Swisher asked her what she thought of Cory Booker.

Instead of the only logical response – taking a long drink of water, then doing a volcanic spit take and howling, “Spartacus?  Are you kidding me?!” – she said that she adores him.  When Swisher asked how Hillary felt about Booker’s comment about when the GOP goes low, we should kick them, Hillary corrected her: Eric Holder had said that.

Then Hillary ad libbed: “I know, they all look alike.”

Now that’s the kind of joke that minority politicians could tell on themselves and get away with it.  But if you haven’t noticed, Hillary is white.

I mean, she’s not as retina-searing, lacking-in-all-pigment white as Lizzie Warren.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher).  But she’s pretty white.  She puts the CAW in “Caucasian.”

Sorry.  That was beneath me.  But at this point, what difference does it make?

 

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Democrats and the infuriating racism double standard.

There’s been a lot of talk since Trump’s election of the “dog whistle” of racism, and I think that is a telling metaphor.

First, it’s species-ist, and thus extremely offensive to someone of my delicate sensibilities.

Second, it’s another way of saying “racism that is a figment of leftists’ imagination.”  In the past several weeks, I’ve heard leftists say that it’s a “dog whistle” to, among other things:

• say that we shouldn’t allow people to stay here who broke our country’s laws to get here
• say that admission to our universities should depend on merit and not skin color
• say that America should be a melting pot

That’s not real racism.  Real racism isn’t super subtle, and it doesn’t take preternatural listening skills to pick up on it.

For an example, take the racism of Democrats.  Please.

When they ran the confederacy and fought until Lincoln and the Republicans defeated them and freed their slaves, there was nothing subtle about their racism. After they lost the war, Democrats like Nathan Bedford Forrest formed the KKK, not a group famous for the subtlety of their hatreds.

As the decades went by, Democrats passed Jim Crow laws and instituted poll taxes and fought integration tooth and nail.  The closest thing to a dog whistle ever deployed by southern Democrats like Bull Connor and George Wallace and Orville Faubus was actual dogs, attacking black folks while they were simultaneously being blasted with firehoses.

No one ever had to get out their decoder rings or read any tea leaves to figure out the meaning of a burning cross on their lawn, or a “Whites Only” sign, or a lynched relative.

Now I don’t think it’s fair to tar today’s Democrat leadership with the sins of their political ancestors.  But they have plenty to answer for on their own.

When Obama said that his mother feared black people because she was a “typical white person,” that was no dog whistle.  When Screwy Louie Farrakhan calls Jews “termites,” you don’t have to read between the lines to get his point.  (And when Obama takes a picture with him after he’s talked about evil Jews and white devils for decades?)  When Pelosi and Schumer et al claim that blacks couldn’t possibly get their act together enough to procure ID to vote, that’s some 160-proof racism.

I could go on with examples for pages.  Jessie Jackson calling NYC “hymie-town.”  Al Sharpton – whom the MSM and fellow Democrats treated like a legitimate candidate – inciting murder with references to “white interlopers” and “diamond merchants.”  Andrew Gillum’s college buddy and campaign aide caught on tape by Project Veritas last week raving about what a “cracker state” Florida is.  Etc. and etc.

And what does the Left have?  David Duke and dog whistles.  And David Duke has as much to do with the GOP as Duke Ellington or the Duke of Earl.

If there’s any justice, the lefties won’t be rewarded for their all-around awfulness in the mid-terms, about which I’m putting together some thoughts for a column on Monday.

In the meantime, I hope that Hillary and Obama and Don Lemon all stay on the air 24/7, reminded us all of just how terrible and obnoxious they are.

Regular readers of Cautious Optimism know that I’ve had a little fun at Elizabeth Warren’s expense over the last year or so.  I just went back through my archives and found that in a column dated last December 1st, I cited the story of Warren’s hilarious Pow Wow Chow cookbook – infamous for including two supposedly quintessential Oklahoman dishes that included the decidedly-not-indigenous-to-Oklahoma crab.

After a few more columns featuring jokes about the Geronimo in Granny Glasses, I started the #wemustneverstopmockingher references, undeterred by the fact that I wasn’t sure what “hashtag” actually meant.  And a trend was born.

Recently, however, I had started thinking about the inevitable: I would one day run out of Warren jokes, and my string of Warren mockery would come to an end.

Little did I know that the string would end in the most glorious way possible: in an incredible – and incredibly hilarious – act of unintentional self-immolation by the albino Apache herself.

Obviously, Trump was living in her empty, blonde head rent-free, or she never would have taken a DNA test in such a transparently desperate move to establish her Cherokee bona fides in the first place.  But once she took the test and found out that she is overwhelmingly white, the only rational path was obvious: swear the DNA tester to secrecy, destroy the results and start screaming about misogyny, or any other non-Indian-related bogus leftist talking point.

But no one has ever accused recent Democratic presidential contenders of being slaves to rationality.

So Warren compounded the problem.  She poured gasoline on the fire, steered into the skid, and made a terrible-PR mountain out of an embarrassing genetic molehill.

She produced a campaign-ad style video during which she talked to various members of the Warren family about how the old folks all used to wax poetic about their Indian ancestry.  If you’ve seen that video, you may have noticed something about the people in it: every last one of them is incredibly white.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I mean, unless you are a Democrat who wants to be president.

Anyway, she managed to act smug as the DNA tester confirmed that she does indeed have “some” Indian ancestry.  If by “some,” you mean “the same ratio as I have of stellar dust from ancient comet strikes in my backyard, as compared to regular old earth-dirt.”  And I’d expect all of my neighbors to mock me if I started calling my backyard “the Lawn of Tranquility.”

Of course the sweetest irony comes from knowing that Lizzie could only have thought that she’d get away with such a laughable claim if she knew that the dishonest MSM would cover for her.

And for about half a day, they tried, coming out with multiple variations of headlines touting “the strong proof” that her DNA test gave to her claims of uber-Cherokee-osity.

But within minutes, people who can do math started to point out that she is likely somewhere around 99.9% white, along with several other fun facts.  Such as that she likely has many more times as much DNA from at least one white male ancestor who helped round up the Cherokee for the Trail of Tears.  (Cue the sad trombone/peacepipe.)

And that the average white American has something like 8 times as much Indian DNA as Liz has.  Despite the fact that, according to extensive research that I just now completed, most of them have never contributed even ONE recipe to Pow Wow Chow!  You can look it up.

And that’s not all of the crab bisque that Lizzie now has on her face.  Because she hadn’t just been claiming that some distant ancestor 6 to 10 generations back was a Cherokee.  She was claiming that her own mother was so obviously Indian that her grandparents wouldn’t accept her into their family, so her parents had to elope.

During my afore-mentioned research, I covered the back of an envelope with my own mathematical calculations, and I’ve arrived at the following conclusion:  Liz’s mom was not 6 to 10 generations back.  She was roughly one generation back.

So at most, one of that woman’s grandparents’ grandparents’ parent MIGHT have been at least part Indian.  At worst, one of THAT person’s grandparents’ grandparent MIGHT have been an Indian.

But since the DNA test actually used DNA samples taken from central and south Americans, that magical Indian ancestor may have actually been a Brazilian snake-wrangler, or a syphilitic conquistador, or an alcoholic member of the lesser Spanish nobility who was forced to go to the New World to try to dry out, and also because his continually passing out in the soup bowl was proving embarrassing to King Ferdinand.

And yes, there is as much scientific evidence to support the syphilitic,snake-wrangling,hard-drinking dinner-disruptor theory as there is to support the “I’m-a-blue-eyed-Delaware-Cherokee” theory of Elizabeth Warren.

But the Mendacious Mohawk was not ready to give up yet.  In a post-disaster interview she said that she released the DNA results because, and I quote, “I am an open book.”

Yes.  And that book is called The White Pages.

She also fell back on the oldest of ploys used by people who have made some issue all about themselves.  She said, “This isn’t about me.”

No, it isn’t.  It’s about your ancestors.  Your very, very, VERY white ancestors.

She also said that she released the results because, “I see now that confidence in government is at an all-time low.  And I believe that one way we try to rebuild confidence is through transparency.”

Even better than that, in your case: translucency!

And so, I tip my hat to you, Elizabeth Warren.  After I have done my best for almost a year to mock you at every turn, you have put my feeble mockery to shame with your own towering act of self-be-clownery.

I am tempted to say that this whole charade boomeranged on you.  But I have too much respect for the aboriginal people who invented the boomerang to engage in such a gross act of cultural appropriation.

So I will just say, “Liar, liar, deerskin dress on fire.”

Now please tell me where I can go to contribute to your 2020 presidential campaign.

Before the recent Kavanaugh-related unpleasantness – and the more recent Kavanaugh-related celebration (Oh Happy Day!), I had started writing a “best-of-September” column.  So now – even though it seems like news as old as the credible accusations that Ruth Bader Ginsburg sexually harassed a young and vulnerable Hammurabi – here is my list of the highs and lows of September.

1.Trump closed the PLO office in DC.  Good!  Of course, the usual suspects quickly pulled their kaffiyehs up over their head in horror… Wait.  A kaffiyeh is supposed to be worn on the head, isn’t it?  Well, you know what I mean.  The usual terrorist-enablers lost their Pelosi, and made the usual arguments.

Husam Zumlot (and if the Japanese are not currently working on a new electric car called the “Zumlot,” they are missing a prime marketing opportunity) called the closing “reckless.”  I mean, not as reckless as strapping bombs to dimwitted teenagers and sending them into pizza restaurants in Israel to murder the lunchtime crowd.  But sure.  Reckless.

Saeb Erekat (and I’m going to avoid the obvious “Erekat Stevens” joke, because he changed his name to Yusuf Islam, and there’s nothing funny about that) said that this is just more evidence that the Trump administration wants to “punish the Palestinian people.”  Yes.  Like when the PLO routinely fires missiles into Israel from the roofs of schools and hospitals, so that any return strikes will kill civilians.  That kind of punishment.

One of the best foreign policy decisions the Trump WH has made is to drop the offensive pretense of moral equivalence between Israel and the PLO.  We moved our embassy to Jerusalem and acknowledged that it is the capital of Israel, and we stopped a $251 million “aid payment” that was supposed to go to the Palestinian people but would have disappeared into the PLO bank accounts.

Plus, American hero John “the Nuclear Walrus” Bolton (hat tip to Dennis Miller) gave an amazing speech on the subject of the deeply corrupt International Criminal Court. “We will not cooperate with the ICC. We will provide no assistance to the ICC. And we certainly will not join the ICC.  We will let the ICC die on its own. After all, for all intents and purposes, the ICC is already dead to us.”

If John Kerry had even tried to pack that much moral clarity into a speech to the UN, the top of his elongated, horse-like head would have blown off.

And if that wasn’t great enough, Bolton completed his Michael Corleone impression by noting that the US would “take note” of any countries who cooperate with the ICC.

In other words, “You broke my heart, Fredo Erekat.  And now you’re dead to me.  Please put on this fishing cap, and one of my assistants will take you out on the Hudson River in a bass boat with an outboard motor on the back.  He’ll be sitting behind you.”

 

2. The best headline – and odds are, the only true one – to appear in the Washington Post in September was this: “Woman who wrote about how to murder your husband charged with murdering her husband.”

I don’t have any extensive commentary on this one, other than to point out Rule #1 in the How to Get Away with Crime handbook: Don’t write a how-to guide on committing a crime before you commit it.

That’s why you’ll never see my blog post entitled, “How to Travel from Florida to NYC and Punch Chuck Schumer in his Big, Fat, Lying Mouth.”  Because I’m too clever for that.

 

3. Chelsea Clinton gave a mid-September interview in which said that, “as a deeply religious person, [restricting abortion is] also un-Christian to me.”

I am normally loath to criticize Chelsea Clinton, because she had a horrible childhood at the hands of absolutely terrible parents. But she’s in her 30s now, and she’s lecturing us about how Christ would be super-pumped about infanticide.

She’s probably thinking about the passage where He says, “Suffer the little children to come unto me… so that I can end their lives and sell their body parts, and thereby afford to buy a Lamborghini.”

I never trust those modern translations.

You know what else I never trust?  Spiritual advice from a Clinton.

 

4. In other news, the transparently biased MSM kept it up with the transparent bias during September. I would quote some specific stories, but do I really need to?

Instead, try this experiment.  I’m going to list 3 headlines, and I guarantee that you will find at least one story on each of these themes on the biggest MSM websites within the next 24 hours:

1. Trump: Our experts debate whether he’s more like Hitler or Satan.
2. The unprecedented economic boom going on right now: Our experts debate whether there is nothing to report here, or whether Obama should get the credit.
3. Colin Kaepernick: Our experts debate whether he’s more like a cross between Dan Marino and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., or more like a cross between Joe Montana and Jesus, if Jesus had been a little better at reading zone defenses.

 

5. The revealing internal Google video that somehow got leaked.  If you haven’t seen that video, please… um… Google it, I guess?  On second thought, I’m sure that you can’t get it by Googling it.  (Because Google is the opposite of transparent.)

It was an in-house video feed to the company’s employees, taped the morning after the Cankle-pocalypse of November 2016, when Hillary was prevented from beginning her Reign of Insufferability with what surely would have been the worst acceptance speech ever cackled.  (“Two score and a handful of years ago, CAW CAW, my reprehensible horndog husband assaulted his first campaign aide.  As I bullied that poor girl into silence CAW CAW CAW, I knew that she – and all of the dozens of bimbos whom I would have to slander in the future – CAW CAW – would not have suffered in vain, if by their destruction they would have paved my way – CAW – to the highest office in the land!”)

So all of these high-ranking Google people are on camera, commiserating in the most clueless way about how their world has fallen apart. The COO is some woman who can literally barely keep from weeping, and talks about how she and her friends were crying as the election returns came in.  Which gave me two thoughts:

First, does this mentally fragile woman realize that half of her customers disagree with her about politics, and therefore it might be a smarter business plan to at least try to hide your hatred of them?

Second, as I’ve reported in other columns, it seems like when the left doesn’t get its way, it resorts to one of two childish behavior patterns: throwing feces, or bawling like a baby.  Now that’s always good entertainment to view from a distance — or, if you happen to have a slicker, some hip-waders and a fecal-proof helmet and googles – in a live setting.

I’m considering buying one share of Google stock, just so I can attend the next shareholder meeting.  When the time comes for Q&A, I’m going to stand up and say, “Can you tell us what our company is doing to help President Trump in his attempt to Make America Great Again?”

And then I’ll step back, snap my Def-e-CAN’T Anti-fecal Goggles™ (now with “Fec-be-gone” Democrat-resistant lense coating ™) into place, and watch the festivities.

 

6.  On September 17^th, Michael Moore was inexplicably being interviewed at the release of his latest terrible agit-prop movie. (Spoiler alert: Conservatives are the bad guys, Michael Moore is the hero, and 8 people saw it. That kind of box office is not going to keep Mikey in comically over-sized turkey legs and industrial-sized barrels of gravy.) When asked what he’s thinking about 2020, he said, “I’m not thinking about 2020.  If we don’t fix this now, we may not get to 2020.”

If Michael Moore doesn’t make it to 2020, I think that’s going to have a lot more to do with furniture collapse, aspiration of a large chunk of ham while he’s sleeping, or the fact that his blood type is “pudding” than with machinations of the totalitarian Trump administration.

 

7. Finally, in the story that best exemplifies what’s wrong with kids these days, Serena Williams lost a tennis match to a smaller Japanese woman. And she stoically accepted her fate, and congratulated her opponent like a good sport, the end.

HA!  In fact she whined and moaned and broke her racket and broke the rules.  When the guy in the lifeguard chair docked her a point for that, she went more nuts.  She eventually lost a game because of her bad behavior.  I was never a fan of “bad boy” tennis players, but Serena made John McEnroe look like Pitt the Elder.

(Okay, I’m not even sure if Pitt the Elder was known for his calm demeanor.  But a buddy of mine bet me that I would not be able to work jokes mentioning ziggurats, fjord-billies and Pitt the Elder into consecutive columns.  So pay up, Darryll!)

But it wasn’t just that Serena threw a tantrum like a Democrat who was denied the chance to use the constitution as a diaper.  (I’m looking at you, Crazy Mazie.)  It’s the way she encapsulated every dysfunctional social trend as she threw that tantrum.

First, of course, was the bald-faced lying.  She was accused of getting signals from her coach, who was in the stands at her match.  So she yelled three times, “I didn’t get coaching.” (This was undercut later when her coach admitted that he had been giving her coaching.  Also by cameras, which showed him giving her coaching.)

When the umpire appeared unmoved, she took it up a notch, screaming, “You owe me an apology. I have never cheated in my life. I have a daughter and I stand for what is right for her and I’ve never cheated. You owe me an apology.”

Oh, so having a daughter automatically means that you never lie?  I guess that explains why Elizabeth Warren, once she gave birth to her twin daughters — Running Deer and Janet – did a 180 and immediately embraced her Episcopalian/Presbyterian roots.  #wemustneverstopmockingher

And what’s with demanding an apology?  Has that ever worked for anyone at their workplace?  Say the boss catches you slipping a 20 from the cash register into your pocket, or taking a pull off the bottle of whiskey that you keep in your desk drawer.

Did it ever occur to you that you could just say, “I was going to take this $20 bill home to check the serial numbers in case it’s a phony, and my sciatica is acting up, so I was using that bottle of Jack for medicinal purposes.  Now where’s my apology, Brian?”  (For this example, I’m assuming that your boss’ name is Brian.  Also, that he prefers not to be called by his first name.)

After some more back-and-forth, Little Miss Sunshine returned to her favorite theme:  “When are you going to give me my apology? You owe me an apology.  Say it, say you’re sorry. Then don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me. How dare you insinuate I was cheating? You stole a point from me. You’re a thief too.”

It’s “her apology,” don’t you get it?  He owes it to her.

When he then docked her a game penalty for verbally abusing him, she pulled the gender card: “Do you know how many men do things that are much worse than that? This is not fair.  There are a lot of men out here that have said a lot of things and because they are a man it doesn’t matter.”

Which would have made a lot more sense if it wasn’t 100% false.  And if by penalizing her, he had awarded the lost game to a male passerby, rather than giving it to Serena’s opponent.  Who, I have it on pretty good authority, is also a woman.

In the press conference afterward, Serena continued to prove that she is the most ironically named person since Nazi anti-semite Alfred Rosenberg.  (Seriously, he was a real guy.)   She said, “I’m here fighting for women’s rights and for women’s equality…. I just feel like the fact that I have to go through this is just an example for the next person … [who] wants to be a strong woman.”

Which gave me two thoughts:

1. Just because you have the shoulders of a starting outside linebacker at Texas A&M doesn’t mean that you’re a strong woman.
2. With that kind of delusional, narcissistic, victim mentality, she has got to be Hillary’s running mate in 2020. Their campaign slogan writes itself: “You Owe Us an Apology!”

Of course, the conservative slogan also writes itself:  “Trump/Pence vs. Clinton/Williams – Shock and Awe vs. Whine and CAW!”

 

Can you picture the joy around stately Simpson Manor today?  After several weeks of being furious and worried and depressed as a manifestly good man was demonized and smeared, I started to enjoy a trickle of good news this past week.

First, Creepy Porn Lawyer’s client turns out to be a singularly unconvincing loon selling a story that dozens and dozens of upper class girls were gang raped over a period of months by dozens of upper class boys in a suburb of DC, and no one ever reported it.  When she gave four names of people who supposedly witnessed this, one denied it, two couldn’t be reached, and one was dead.

It’s a cliché for a reason: when your best witness is a dead guy, pull the fire alarm and run out of the court room.

Next, Ramirez turns out to be a partisan hack selling a story that she was black out drunk at a party, and there were genitals, and she wasn’t sure whose they were until she spent six days talking to her leftist hack lawyer, who – when not chasing ambulances – also specializes in helping people “recover” decades-old genital-related memories.

By the way, I went to high school and college with a ton of girls, and I tragically got to see almost none of them naked.  But if there’s a way I can go to the offices of Soros & Alinsky Esq.  and “recover” some memories in which I was actually bombarded by parade floats filled with female nudity, I’m in.

In fact, if I could please “recover” a memory of when 1983 Nena went to my senior prom with me, and sang “99 Luft Balloons” before coming home to the luxurious apartment I never had and having her lusty Germanic way with me, I’d pay double.  Throw in that time I ravaged late 1970s Farrah Fawcett, and I will sign over my 401K.

Where was I?  Oh yeah: Ramirez’s story collapsed like a house of imaginary cards.

At the same time, Ford’s story grew weaker too.  All of the witnesses she named said they didn’t know what she was talking about.  Her story that she was terrified of flying was undermined by the fact that she has 500,000 frequent flier miles.  Also, for the last six years she has had a summer job as a wing-walker on an old biplane in a barnstormer act in Branson, Missouri.

Next up, the MSM was on the case, and dug up perhaps the most damning anti-Kavanaugh account yet.  It turns out that Brett Kavanaugh – when he wasn’t drugging high school girls and defending his pimping turf in vicious running gun battles with Bishop Don “Magic” Juan (Google him) – was also involved in a donnybrook in a bar near Yale.

That’s right.  He allegedly threw ice at a guy.  You may remember it from all of those “The Cube Heard Round the World” stories that dominated the headlines in 1985.

This was the last straw for my wife, who is, as many of you know, of Norwegian descent.  Until then, she had been trying to keep an open mind.  But when she heard about the ice throwing allegations, she was triggered.

Because, as she explained to me in a tearful conversation, the Norwegian people have long been tormented by racial slurs from their less blonde, less attractive, shorter, swarthier neighbors.

Growing up, she had heard it all:  Tundra Monkeys.  Glacierbacks.  Frosties. Fjord-billies.  Svens.

But the most painful of all was the “I” word:  Ice-chuckers.

(By the way, don’t kid yourself: Lizzie Warren has heard those same, hateful words.  She might say that she’s been called “squaw” or “wigwam whacko,” but she’s got “fjord-billy” written all over her.) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

So the anti-Kavanists lost my wife.

My spirits were rising as the FBI report came back the only way it possibly could, given that the alleged bad behavior happened at an undetermined location, in an unknown year, and with no corroboration. And also was totally made up.

Then Cocaine Mitch called for a cloture vote, and Lindsay Graham’s evil twin continued to dazzle us all.  When a bunch of entitled know-nothing college kids at a genteel event at the Atlantic started booing him, he snapped, “Oh, boo yourself.”

Which, for the old Lindsay Graham, would have been the equivalent of jumping to his feet, roaring, “DIE  COMMIE SCUM!” and spraying the crowd with small arms fire from a belt-fed weapon.

Also, when some embittered termagant harassing him in a hallway called out, “If he would take a polygraph this would all be over,” Lindsay came back with a professional-quality retort, which I am not making up.  He looked back over his shoulder without missing a beat, and said, “Why don’t we dunk him in water and see if he floats.”

Boom!

Finally Friday comes, and Susan Collins speaks on the Senate floor in that shaky, Kate-Hepburn-in-a-bumper-car way that has always driven me nuts, but is now just adorable.  After a 45-minute speech laying out the manifest reasons to be disgusted by the left’s smear campaign (reportedly written by her lead staffer, Harold Obvious), she supports Kavanaugh.

Twelve seconds later, Joe Manchin shoulder-rolls to the nearest microphone, gives a clavicle-snapping forearm shiver to the septuagenarian who was explaining that we should always believe all women, and grabs the mike, shouting, “Me too!  Me too!  I’m voting for Kavanaugh too!”

So I grab the front paws of a startled Cassie the Wonder Dog and dance her around my living room, singing, “Oh Happy Day,” but replacing the line, “When Jesus washed my sins away,” with, “When Lindsay cleared the goons away!”

To vicariously experience that with me, google “Ray Charles sings Oh Happy Day,” and watch the video.  It was just like that, except with a lot less dashikis, and one confused and excited Aussie shepherd.

So Saturday comes, and I DVR the usual half-dozen college football games, but also the coverage of the Kavanaugh vote and aftermath on all 6 networks.  I am going to slowly work my way through all of that video between now and Christmas, savoring every profanity-filled chant and misspelled sign and red-faced tantrum from the hordes of lefty louts who descended on Washington to celebrate “Political Impotence Fest ’18.”

In the meantime, I’ve got my snacks arranged around me in my recliner.  I’m having a foot-long schadenfreude sandwich with a side of Cheetos (because the Dems tried to cheat, get it?), and I’ll be washing it down with a flagon of Leftist Tears, vintage 2016.

With ice. Delicious, never-been-thrown ice.

That reminds me: Just-ice Kavanaugh.

Ha! Crank it up!    “Oh happy day…”

0-0-0

For more of Martin’s columns – which don’t all focus on the Kavanaugh hearings, I promise – go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com

 

Several weeks ago I wrote a column called “What I learned from the Kavanaugh Hearings.”  Little did I know that there would be a sequel…

“What I Learned from the Kavanaugh Show Trial”

First, never ask the rhetorical question, “How low can Democrat politicians go?”  Because… now the only things left are cannibalism and necrophilia.  I mean, as far as I know.  (On the other hand, is it possible that Michael Moore achieved that size without consuming at least one or two human beings?  Just to be on the safe side, can someone please do a head count/wellness check on all of his family and neighbors and co-workers?)

Second, if Donald Trump does not soon tag evil sexist Hawaii senator Mazie Hirono as “Crazy Mazie,” I’m going to be very disappointed in him.   She is now my least favorite senator – and with soulless crone Dianne Feinstein, Spartacus and the dueling Dicks (Durbin and Blumenthal) crawling the earth, that is really saying something.

The nature of the sexism – and don’t tell me hating males is reverse sexism, because it’s just sexism – on display from the Democrat Senators was really stunning.  Hirono literally said that it’s the men who cause these kinds of problems, and they all should just shut up.  Gillebrand and others said that we should always and in all circumstances “believe the woman.”

What do you say to that?

Several things:  1. Try this out, “Always believe the man.”  Or “Always believe the white person.” Or “Always believe the older person.”  Or “Always believe the Lutheran.”

Sounds weird, doesn’t it?  Almost as if it is nothing but creepy, simplistic, completely unjustified blanket discrimination against one group in favor of another?  That’s because [cue Sam Kinison voice] IT IS!  THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!  OH! OOOOHHHH!

2.I’D LIKE TO ASSIGN – oops. Sorry. [Discontinue Sam Kinison voice]

2.I’d like to assign some homework to the Democrat senators who have suggested that women must always be believed. First, read To Kill a Mockingbird. Then Google the following terms or people: Duke Lacrosse case, Juanita Broaddrick, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, Monica Lewinsky, Mattress Girl, Rolling Stone UVA fraternity rape hoax.  Some of those are women who you did not believe, because you are hypocritical creeps.  Others are women who turned out to be lying.

Because, you know, women are human, and humans sometimes lie.

3.I thought I’d never say this, but Lindsay “Graham-nesty” Graham is – at least for today — my hero. If you opened your windows and listened carefully during his righteous rant, you could hear the sounds of millions of frustrated, fair-minded Americans simultaneously cheering and sighing in relief.

The election of Trump has been attributed to many causes – not the least of which was because he was running against CAW CAW CAW – but one crucial factor was that he’s a fighter.  He’s a flawed fighter, and a fighter who often lands punches on his own jaw and upside his allies’ heads, and a fighter who has way too much access to a Twitter account.

But he’s a fighter.  And for a long time, conservatives have been frustrated by a series of basically good men — Bush, McCain, Romney, 75% of the Senate and House — who could not bring themselves to get down in the mud and counter-punch against leftists who have had no compunction about fighting below the belt.  (That’s not necessarily a Bill Clinton joke.) (But on the other hand… sure.)

So when Trump came out swinging haymakers in all directions, we winced, but we also cheered.

And Thursday, when GOP Senators were tiptoeing around, trying not to offend the delicate sensibilities of female voters who might be offended if they asked Ford pointed questions – you know, as if she were a grown, responsible adult, rather than a fragile porcelain mouse — we were groaning.  Mobs of protesting goons clogged the hallways and chanted idiotic slogans and chased GOP politicians out of restaurants, while we all stared at our big screens, screaming, “A taser, a taser!  My kingdom for a taser!”

Or maybe that was just me.

But then, from over the horizon, comes a most unlikely champion.  Gone was the milquetoast Lindsay who used to sit obediently at John McCain’s knee and look for common ground with the enemy troops besieging the city.

Mrs. Graham must have mixed in some HGH, testosterone and just a touch of meth with Lindsay’s Cheerios Thursday morning, because he came out swinging.  And we all cheered!

4.Ford’s testimony was a mixed bag, at best. If I can put aside my pro-Kavanaugh and anti-leftist bias, she wasn’t obviously crazy, and she did seem distressed and sympathetic.

But the problems with her story are obvious, and clearly preclude taking any kind of quasi-prosecutorial action based on them.

A. Her hippocampus talk was ridiculous, in context.  She used some scientific terms to give a gloss of empirical sophistication to parts of her testimony, explaining how the hippocampus encodes memory.

I’ll plead guilty to not being a brain expert.  In fact, I thought that “hippocampus” was a nickname given to the physical environs of Wellesley college when Hillary Clinton was a student there.  (Boom!)

But while I’m not a part of the hippocampus cognoscenti – best name for a prog rock band ever, by the way – it doesn’t pass the smell test to go on about how the strong emotional distress of the moment indelibly fixed a few details in her mind, while simultaneously not fixing virtually any others.  She doesn’t remember the day or month or year, or the specific house, or how she got there or got home.  But for the crucial minute or two, her 36-year-old memory is crystal clear?

B. Specifically, not knowing the date is really unusual.  Most of us have had at least one or two traumatic or dramatically bad events – a miscarriage, being the victim of crime, the unexpected loss of a loved one, narrowly escaping death or serious injury — happen to us in our lives.  I think in most cases, it would be vanishingly rare for someone to not know at least the YEAR that happened, and most people would know the date.

Most cancer survivors can tell you the day they got their diagnosis, and virtually all of them can tell you the month and year.  Most Holocaust survivors can give you the date when the Gestapo showed up for them or their parents.  Juanita Broaddrick can tell you the exact day when Bill Clinton raped her, along with the time of day, the name of the hotel she was in, and which friend helped her put ice on her injured mouth afterwards.

And I know I’m not a woman, and I can’t fully understand what it’s like to be sexually attacked.  But my dad got his final cancer diagnosis in June of 2014, and I flew my old Cessna up to TN for his surgery in the first week of July.  (It was sunny in the morning, but pretty cloudy by the time I landed in mid-afternoon.)  And my wife and I found out that our daughter had a life-threatening condition and needed an emergency colostomy on October 18^th, 1997.  And I was having breakfast in the tv room of our old house when my mother-in-law called to tell me that someone had flown planes into the buildings on 9/11.

Also, it was January 23^rd of 2013 when I was traumatized by hearing, “At this point, CAW, CAW, what difference does it make?”  (I still shudder at the memory.)

And it was a rainy Saturday in October of 2012, when I was hiking along the northern end of the Appalachian Trail, only to be ambushed by a small band of terrifying Indians.  They all had warpaint on, but their leader stood out because she was extremely pale, with a sour expression and granny glasses.  I fled onto a nearby footbridge and pulled a pistol, threatened them that I would shoot.  Their leader, speaking in an obnoxious and somehow entitled New England accent, shook her withered fist at me and spat, “You didn’t build that bridge!  You can’t make me stop persisting!”

As she ran back into the woods, I heard one of the braves whispering to another, “You know she’s not one of us, right?”

True story.  And #wemustneverrstopmockingher

One other point re: Ford’s credibility that the MSM has somehow not discussed (Surprise, surprise.) was her claim (or her lawyers’ claim on her behalf) that because of the terrible trauma she suffered, she cannot fly. That was given as a reason to delay her testimony from Monday to Thursday – she would have to drive cross-country.

Then it turns out that she flies all the time, for work and for pleasure.  She apparently flew cross-country in the last month or two to take a polygraph.  In fact, she flew to DC to give her testimony.

Gee.  It’s almost like she lied just to delay the proceedings.  I mean, if women ever lied.  Which according to some leftist senators, they do not.

 

As I write this, Jeff Flake has apparently succeeded in postponing a final vote for yet another week, during which more incredible tales will undoubtedly come out of the woodwork to prolong the Kavanaugh family’s agony.

But no matter what happens, we have to learn from this.  Before any other Supreme Court vacancies, we have to establish a few common sense rules:

1.Anybody who has any allegations to make about any scandalous behavior that the nominee supposedly engaged in MUST report it to whomever the Senate designates for this purpose, as soon as a nominee is named. (Preferably before, if that person is discussed as being on a short list.) If an accuser waits until after regular Senate hearings start, he or she will be given the choice of being tarred and feather and ridden out of town on a rail, or being put in public stocks and having rotten vegetables thrown at him or her.  But last-minute accusations will NOT delay votes.

2.Any accusers have to know going in that they are going to face the same kind of scrutiny as any adult making a charge that could potentially destroy someone’s life. They are going to submit to questioning following a regular, consistent process that does not allow them to dictate the conditions under which they testify. They will be expected to produce any corroborating evidence possible – including documents, witnesses, etc. – ASAP.  And as has been the case in Western legal procedure since the Magna Carta, the burden of proof will be on the accuser, not the accused.

I also have Plan B suggestion.  The constitution says nothing about the advise and consent process requiring live interviewing, and it sure doesn’t need to be televised, so that a bunch of preening jackasses can grandstand and ask inflammatory questions.  If the Senate proves itself unable to conduct dignified televised hearings – and, Exhibit A: Bork; Exhibit B: Thomas; Exhibit C: Kavanaugh – we might consider going back to earlier practice, and having nominees submit written answers to the Senators’ questions, and then discussing and voting on those with no tv cameras present.

Now I am going to turn to college and pro football, to forget the leftist creeps who are trying to ruin my country.