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Here, in no particular order, are some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately.

First, you stay classy, leftist hate-mongers. 

If there are still any undecided voters out there – and great googly moogly, what does it take to make up your mind when the choices are this stark, for good and bad?! – I think it’s been instructive to watch the compassionate left’s reaction to Trump’s getting Covid. 

I understand it: we all love us some schadenfreude.  I’ve enjoyed watching Imhotep Pelosi getting some scheisse for traipsing mask-less through a salon after lecturing us about how not wearing a mask makes you a selfish pig.

I’ve enjoyed watching Cankles McPantsuit getting caught with her hoof in the Russian cookie jar after accusing Trump of colluding with the Russians with whom she was actually colluding. 

I’ve even celebrated the death of a few people.  The terrorist masterminds whom Trump took out with a drone in Iran, for example, and the antifa terrorists who tried to kill Kyle Rittenhouse and got righteously shot when it turned out that rifle beats skateboard. 

I’ve also made some jokes about some folks after their deaths, most recently RBG.   Were those jokes tasteless?  You can decide.  (Spoiler alert: no.) But they were jokes.

If you’ve seen any video or read any tweets from our leftist pols and celebrity “betters” lately, one thing is clear: these creeps ain’t joking.  They’re going full Hannibal Lecter, spewing hatred and bile, and they are dead serious. 

I hope the electorate is watching.

Second, I’m looking forward to Comma-la’s VP debate.  She has been flying under the radar in terms of how much she’s been hiding from the press, if only because no presidential candidate has ever hidden as much as Biden has been doing.   

And she has good reason to hide.  Because she is a terrible candidate.  I think people have forgotten what an early front runner in the Dem primaries she was, and we on the right under-estimate what a colossal feat it was for her to flame out so ignominiously.

Because we’re not a racist, identity-politics-obsessed mob like the far-left Dem base, we don’t appreciate the importance they place on which genitalia and skin color a candidate has.  But Comma-la was the only two-fer in the primaries. 

Pastor Pete had the gay, which was cancelled out by the white and male.  Spartacus had the black, which was cancelled out by the male and room-temperature IQ.  Bernie had the Jewish, but they don’t care for that particular minority on the left.  Marianne Williamson had the bat-guano looniness… but they all do.

Grandma Squanto had the female and the abrasiveness, but no amount of buckskin dresses and “crab a la Cherokee” recipes could disguise her blinding whiteness.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But Comma-la had the femaleness and the quasi-blackness.  And she rode those enormous advantages to the dizzying heights of 7% in her home state’s Democrat primary polls, before dropping out. 

She wasn’t even able to convincingly play the race card against Joey Gaffes, the most colorless candidate since Edgar Winter ran for the Ontario school board.  (That little girl?  The one who made even leftists groan when she praised the universally hated practice of racialist bussing?  That little girl was Comma-la.)

And she hasn’t gotten any smarter.  A couple of weeks ago she had a softball interview during which she was asked questions that you would think were un-muffable.  And she muffed the hell out of them!

She kept referring to the late Supreme Court justice as “the notorious BIG.”  (Even I know that Biggie was a 300-pound black man, whom you wouldn’t think you could confuse with a 90-pound Jewish lady with the posture of a jumbo shrimp.) And when asked who her favorite living rapper is, she picked Tupac Shakur. 

Who died 24 years ago!     

Because a CO fan who works undercover in the entertainment industry is a source of mine, I also know some of Comma-la’s answers that didn’t make print.

For example, when asked to name her favorite living Italian politician, she picked Julius Caesar.  Her favorite living German leader?  Frederick Barbarossa.  Her favorite living American politician?  Joe Biden.

So…yeah. 

Third, you’ve probably seen the video of the female Trump-hater in traffic, who – when she saw some Trump supporters waving signs on the side of the road – engaged them in a trenchant debate, making many thoughtful points that, in their own small way, enriched our political dialogue.

HA! I kid!  She flipped them off and screamed incoherently.  Then she stuck her head out the window and gave them the double-bird, snarling in rage. 

Hilariously enough, her foot slipped off the brake pedal, and her car jumped forward and rear-ended an SUV in front of her.  Then she flipped off that driver – because how dare someone sit in their car in an orderly manner in front of Princess Rationality von Self-Control? 

And then the cops who had been sitting in traffic several vehicles behind her, walked up to her car to explain that 3^rd degree D-baggery is actually a traffic offense in Texas.  

Reports that she is going to be one of the questioners during the confirmation hearings of the Glorious ACB are unconfirmed. 

Finally, the pigeons are coming home to roost for the America-hating goons in the NBA, and they are defecating all over the league’s profits. 

Game 1 of the NBA Finals last Wednesday featured two of the game’s most high-profile franchises (LA and Miami) and stars (LeBron and Anthony Davis).  And in a nation that is starved for sports after a months-long pandemic-induced sports drought, Game 1 drew only a 4.1 rating, and 7.4 million viewers, which was the lowest Finals game ratings since those ratings have been kept. 

To which the only compassionate response is HA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

The NBA brain trust who had thought it was a good idea to encourage their whitey-hating players to insult America and cops and apple pie – while also taking time out to rhetorically fellate the brutal dictators in communist China – thought to themselves, “Okay.  The deplorable fans needed to get their little hissy fit out of their system.  I’m sure they’ll be back for Game 2 on Friday.”

You don’t need me to tell you what happened on Friday.  But I’m going to anyway, because I can’t wipe this smile off of my face. 

The 7.4 million Wednesday viewers dropped to 4.5 million on Friday, and the ratings slid to a 1.9.

1.9!   

To give you an idea of how bad that is, Game 2 was beaten out by the Home Shopping Network — who was running a four-hour feature on Electric Toothbrushes from Around the World – and the South Korean amateur soccer contest between the Seoul Dragons and the Incheon Inscrutable Cellists.  And that was a regular season game – not even the playoffs!  (The smart money there is on the Busan Moe-Haircuts, for those of you who trust your favorite bookie, Uncle Martacus.)

On the bright side, Game 2 did manage to just edge the “Watching Paint Dry Network.”

But that might be because they had a re-run from July that featured three consecutive hours devoted to “Semi-gloss on exterior window trim in intermittent sunshine.”  (The closed captioning for that program read, “And here we see the semi-gloss – I think the color is “ivory,” or perhaps “bone” — which has just been applied with a natural-bristle, 2.5-inch angled sash brush…” followed by “zzzzzzz” for the next two hours and 58 minutes.)

Hey LeBron, let me get my #2 pencil and my spiral notebook, so I can record your thoughts about how outraged I should be when a career criminal sexually assaults a woman and fights with the cops until they have to shoot him.

And don’t forget to lock up the gym when you idiots are done!

Avenatti/ Trump-hating, Bird-Flipping Driver Harpie  2020!

Well, that was a pleasant debate, wasn’t it?

My short take is likely the same as yours:  everyone was pretty awful, but Chris Wallace was the worst.  

Trump played to his worst instincts – fighting on every single point, regardless of the significance of the point, which both watered down the effectiveness when he was on target, and was stylistically off-putting to most people.  Plus it kept Joe from talking more, which would have hurt his cause.

Because Biden was terrible too – nasty and dishonest and at least as boorish as Trump.  But he did manage to avoid the worst case scenario for him, which was to forget where he was, lose control of his bowels, refer to Trump as “Corn Pop,” and challenge Chris Wallace to a push-up contest. 

In which case the MSM would have said that he only narrowly won the debate

The consensus is that Wallace was horrendous, and I can’t disagree, because the template for being a good moderator is pretty clear.  Plan A is to be practically invisible: ask the questions and stay out of the way, so that the focus is on the candidates and their answers.

If that doesn’t work – and to be fair to Wallace, the relentless crosstalk and interruptions and omni-directional aggression of both candidates pretty much necessitated that the moderator take more control – then go to Plan B: take control, but do so by being scrupulously balanced in your pointed questions and rebukes to both candidates. 

This is where Wallace completely fornicated with the pooch.   He wasn’t a neutral referee but a partisan, which is inexcusable.  I’ll just point to two moments, because we’re already pretty tired of this.

Trump recently signed an executive order banning government agencies from wasting taxpayer money on Critical Race Theory training.  CRT is a collection of far-left, America-hating Marxist superstitions crossed with vicious anti-white racism, run by a small army of grifters and con-persons who ritually insult and debase white people because of their skin color, and encourage minorities to see themselves as victims.

It’s hard to over-state the awfulness of CRT, but to give you a taste, Hans Bader reported on a typical 3-day training session for white males conducted for Sandia National Laboratories, an important designer of America’s nuclear weapons.  Among other activities, the white males “were forced to recite publicly a series of statements” acknowledging and denouncing their white and male privilege.  “At the end of the training, the white males had to ‘write letters ‘directed to white women, people of color, and other groups’.”

These weren’t guys who had sexually assaulted interns, or forcibly sniffed the hair and digitally penetrated the bodies of helpless women within arms’ reach.  They were just average white guys, forced to waste three days that could have been spent perfecting weaponry to deter this country’s enemies, rather than being browbeaten by a bunch of bilious would-be Farrakhans.   

So when Wallace questioned Trump about his decision, how did he describe those Maoist shaming sessions?  He said, “Why did you decide to… end racial sensitivity training?”

How’s that for a euphemism?  Aren’t we all for racial sensitivity?  

I for one would love the chance to tell some racist leftists how insensitive I find it when they call my race and gender “toxic.”  I’m sure that Native Americans would love to tell Grandma Squanto how much it hurts their feelings when a terrible translucent harridan like her pretends to be one of them.  #wemustneverstopmockingher

The second example was when Wallace called on Trump to denounce white supremacists.  Trump actually did, but he was so clumsy in his phrasing that he came across as reluctant to do so. 

We’re all Monday morning QBs at heart, but that seemed like an easy one to handle more directly: “I’ve done so repeatedly over the last 4 years, and of course I’m happy to do so one more time.  I unequivocally denounce any white racists anywhere, as I’ve always done.  But since all the rioting and looting and arson over the last 6 months have been caused by leftist groups that Biden and Harris have not been able to denounce, could you now ask Biden to do the same about Antifa and BLM?”

When Trump correctly mocked Biden’s feeble “Antifa is an idea, not an organization” answer, Wallace played the role of Biden’s cut man, and ended the round before Biden could say anything even more stupid and damaging, if such a thing were possible.

Wallace also didn’t follow up on any of Biden’s obviously contradictory bloviating.  At one point Biden said, “The Green New Deal would pay for itself!”  Seven seconds later, Wallace said, “So you support the Green New Deal?” Biden said, “No!” 

And Wallace let him change the subject and wander away!  Ugh.

Having said all of that, let me turn to something that you can’t get elsewhere: an analysis of the debate that applies the awesome analytical power of the Simpson Face Punchability Index (SFPI™).

For those of you who have only recently discovered the CO site and my columns, I think the best way to explain the SFPI is to share my initial introduction of it, from a column I wrote in July of 2017:

“Human faces can elicit strong reactions.  We’ve all known some guy who gets in a lot of fights, not because of his actions, but because people just don’t like his natural expression.  And we’ve all known unfortunate women who have been stricken with the heartbreak of resting b**ch face.

I’ve taken those facts, and through a proprietary process of rigorous thought and research, arrived at the conclusion that all human faces can be assigned a punchability value on a scale of 1 (a face that even a sociopathically violent person would be disinclined to punch) to 10 (a face that even a Buddhist monk so committed to nonviolence that he goes out of his way to avoid stepping on a bug can barely restrain himself from punching.)

For example, I have a pretty low SFPI.  I’m not very attractive, but small children and animals are drawn to me, I always got along well with my girlfriends’ parents, and strangers regularly ask me for directions, even though I am never the least bit helpful with directions. 

On the other hand, thin-skinned, humorless leftists really REALLY want to punch me, so I can’t be a 1 or 2.  Thus, my SFPI is 2.5.

This is not a partisan issue, either.  Rush Limbaugh and Ted Cruz both have SFPIs of 8, while Trey Gowdy is an 8.5 – and I like all of them!  By contrast, NY Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, North Dakota Senator Heidi Heitkamp and actor John Cusack all are 2s, even though they all could objectively use a good pummeling.  Trump and Hillary are both 7.5s, which is what made the November contest so close.

Because I know you’re curious: the highest SFPI ever recorded was Harry Reid, with a 9.9.  If Gandhi and St. Francis were walking down a hallway and Dingy Harry were walking the other way, Gandhi would set him up with a left jab, and Francis would put him down with a right cross.  And Harry’s mom, if she were inexplicably still alive at age 125, would high-five both of them. (I think that that mysterious eye injury that Harry had during his last year in office came from his own fist, when he saw himself in the mirror and couldn’t avoid the sudden instinct to punch himself.)”

Okay, back to the present… and before I move on, I know you are all asking the same thing: how on earth can Hillary’s SFPI only be 7.5??!  It’s because she’s female, and males who were raised properly are hard-wired to never punch a lady. 

If she were male, she’d be up there in the 9.9 range.  Picture Hillary abrasively braying into the camera that time, saying, “YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF WHY I’M NOT AHEAD BY 50 POINTS!  CAW CAW!”

If she were a man, she’d never have made it past “asking yourself.”  Even the cameraman would have been unable to keep himself from stepping out and dropping her with an instinctive roundhouse.

Given that, it’s quite an accomplishment for any female to get over 5.5 or so.  For comparison, Crazy Mazie Hirono and Maxine Waters are both only in the mid 7s, and they need a good punching more than just about anybody.

Anyway, enough about the incredibly sophisticated science.

So how does the SFPI factor into the debate on Tuesday night? 

Simple.  Trump, as previously mentioned, has a SFPI of 7.5.  Biden is an interesting case.  When he was younger and healthier, his SFPI was 8.0. 

But – and here I am revealing another part of the proprietary calculations that go into shaping the awesomely accurate SFPI – it’s a scientific fact that age, frailty and mental infirmity reduce one’s SFPI. 

Consider a similar character to Biden.  Say, for example, a raving homeless man with shaving stubble, frighteningly white choppers, and horrendous hair plugs.  He’s on the sidewalk in front of your house muttering to himself:

“Look, here’s the deal: I’m Napoleon Bonaparte.  I was the top of my law class at a historically black college, and I can beat anybody in a push-up contest.   Wellington is a dog-faced pony Duke, and my son would never take up with his brother’s widow.  Get your facts straight, Jack!  Shut up, you clown!”

If he were young and fit and in his right mind, a guy like that couldn’t make it through a fortnight without multiple punchings.  He’d be trying to compare IQs with middle management at the company party, calling the receptionist “fatso,” and irking the CEO as he announced an ill-fated corporate merger by blurting, “This is a big friending deal, boss!” into a hot mike.

But now that he’s old and frail, and his mind is failing, his SFPI has dropped into the mid 6’s.  It feels like elder abuse even to shove him in front of a camera with a teleprompter to read.  So punching him seems out of the question. 

Still, if you just read the transcript, his SFPI is otherwise off the charts.

And Chris Wallace?  He should consider investing in an anti-punching vest and helmet.  Because that guy has a case of fourth-degree “backpfeifengesicht”. 

Thank you again, Germans!

Avenatti/Crazy Mazie  2020

Once upon a time, Supreme Court justice nominees were given the benefit of the doubt.  The assumption was that a president is entitled to the nominee of his choice, and Senate hearings were mostly geared to root out only unusually controversial or unqualified nominees – of whom there were not many.  Competence was sought, and it was considered unseemly to vote against someone solely based on Ideology.

But in recent years, as the SC has become a more and more powerful quasi-legislative branch, and a means for leftists to create laws that they could not otherwise get passed, every nomination becomes a life-or-death fight, and votes break down on party lines.  

The elite left has been largely responsible for the turn toward contentious, smear-job confirmation fights, the best examples being Bork, Thomas and Kavanaugh.  The latter circus left a terrible taste in the mouths of anybody outside of the hard left, so much so that it stiffened the spines of even the most RINO-y of the RINOs in the Senate. 

And now we come to the Glorious ACB.  I thought for a moment that she might escape the Kavanaugh treatment, for several reasons:

1. With the GOP seemingly having the votes to confirm her, and the timing so close to the election, rational Dems should see this as a lost cause and focus on winnable election issues.

2. She is actually a smart, disciplined lawyer, with no paper trail of outrageously controversial rulings that would justify an attack on the judicial merits.  (If there were such a thing, since the Senior Dirigible from Massachusetts slurred his way through his slimy attack on Bork.) (Mary Jo Kopechne was unavailable for comment.)

3. She doesn’t have any obvious character vulnerabilities.  She’s female, so no troubled, child-like harpie like Blasey-Ford can come forward and claim that she’s a rapist.  She’s married, and sober, with a great family and apparently no skeletons in the closet.

But I gave the hard left too much credit.  Because several slimy nematodes – and I mean no offense to the nematode-American community — have crawled out to attack ACB on the unlikeliest of grounds: her family’s adoption of two children from Haiti. 

That’s right.  She and her husband adopted two kids from Haiti.  And some on the left are crying … wait for it… RACISM!

Nematode #1 is a piece of work named Dana Houle, a self-described policy analyst and political consultant for Democrats.  (And by the way, after the performance of the national Dems over the last several decades, I’d suggest finding a more well-respected professional title than that.  Possibly something like “NAMBLA lobbyist,” or whatever job description was on Ghislaine Maxwell’s business cards.  “Personal assistant to an influential Democrat fundraiser who definitely did not kill himself,” maybe?)

So Dana slithered to his computer and started tweeting out nefarious-sounding rhetorical questions about whether anyone has investigated ACB’s adoption of two Haitian children, referring to how many Haitian adoptions are “unethical” and “maybe illegal.” 

What the hell is this moron talking about?  The only possible reason that adopting Haitian children could be “unethical” would be if it were done for sex trafficking purposes.  And ACB cannot be accused of doing that! 

(Besides, it’s not like a history of sexual exploitation would be a deal-breaker for the party of Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Anthony Weiner, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, et-freaking-cetera.)

Another lefty “journalist” named Christine Grimaldi – and never has “grim” been so aptly included in someone’s name – accused ACB of “weaponizing her white womanhood,” which sounds a little kinky, but most definitely is just deeply, deeply stupid.  She also accused ACB of “using her Black children and child with Down syndrome to score political points.” 

Think about that, the next time some pinch-mouthed socialist whines that conservatives lack compassion.   Because we’ll raise and love kids with Down syndrome, rather than compassionately aborting them, like Grimelda Grimsky, and some of us may even adopt Haitian kids, rather than compassionately exterminating them, like Planned Parenthood founder (Saint) Margaret Sanger. 

And no trifecta of hateful lefties would be complete without a whitey-hating racial arsonist/academic.  Enter Ibram X Kendi (the “X” is for “X-tremely vile), a “scholar” at Boston University’s Center for Antiracist Research. 

(And though I just now heard of this center for the first time, I already know enough about it – its stupid name, and that it hired Ibram X Kendi – to call for its immediate closing.  And possibly dynamiting, following by salting the site, so that no other center can ever grow there again.)

In a quote that proves both Kendi’s hateful nature and his inability to properly use scare quotes, he says, “Some White colonizers ‘adopted’ Black children. They ‘civilized’ these ‘savage’ children in the ‘superior’ ways of White people, while using them as props in their lifelong pictures of denial.” 

Not satisfied with excreting one of the worst quotes of this century, he follows up with this gem: “I’m challenging the idea that White parents of kids of color are inherently ‘not racist’.” 

Yes.  Because what better proof is there that a white family is deeply racist, than that they find black children in desperate need and save their lives.  And then inflict upon them such racist horrors as “healthy meals” and “clean clothing” and “decent medical care” and “safe shelter.” 

(THAT’s how you use sarcastic scare quotes, X-Box!)

You almost have to feel sorry for the lefties who are faced with the upcoming ACB hearings.  (I said “almost.”)  With an election so close that they can taste the opportunity to finally get rid of the Orange Menace, they are suddenly hit with this 11^th-hour confirmation nightmare, like a plague brought down upon their misshapen heads by a just and hilariously vengeful God.

One of my favorite writers was C.S. Lewis, and one of his best books was The Screwtape Letters, a fantasy piece featuring a senior demon giving instruction to a newbie demon on how to torment human subjects.  (If you haven’t read that yet, finish reading this column first.   Then consider hitting the Tip Jar at Martinsimpsonwriting.com.  But THEN run out and get a copy and read it immediately.)

While reading the truly evil sentiments above, I couldn’t help but think of Lewis’ demons, locked in their infernal strategizing.  So I imagined what it must be like to be a fly on the wall in a conference room filled with these kinds of demons, thinly disguised – oh, how thinly! — as far-left political consultants.

Political Consultant 1: Okay, the rumor is that Trump has a nominee. What do we know about her?

PC 2:  She’s a woman.

PC 1: Crap!  There goes the insanely unsubstantiated rape claims.

PC 3: But she’s white!

PC 1: Now you’re talking.  The race card is on the table!  How white is she?

PC 3: Almost as white as Elizabeth Warren.

Disembodied voice of Hilarious Reason:  #wemustneverstopmockingher

PC 1 (glowering): Who said that?!   (After no one will admit to it, he goes on.)  So she’s super white.  Did she marry a white guy, too?

PC 2: Yes.

PC 1: That’s good.  We can work with that.  “Why didn’t she marry a person of color?  Did she discriminate when she was dating?”  That sort of thing.  Do they have kids?

PC 3:  Yes, like 5.

PC 1: Five!?  What are they, Catholic or something?

PC 2:  Yes, in fact.

PC 1:  Ooh, that’s good.  Text Senator Palpatine from California.  “The dogma lives loudly in this one!”  She’ll know how to spin it.   Moving on, I bet the kids are all preppy-looking little private schoolers.  We can use that too: “Look at these perfect Stepford children!  They can’t know what it’s like to suffer in life.  They don’t have any problems, or any obstacles to overcome.”

PC 2:  Ummmm.

PC 1:  What is it? 

PC 2:  Well, the youngest kid… has Down syndrome.

PC 1 (snapping his pencil in anger): Mother-friender!  You have got to be scheiss-ing me! 

PC 3: Maybe we can use that, though.  We could suggest that they were selfish, bringing a kid like that into the world, as though his life mattered, and was worth living.

PC 2: That sounds risky.  What kind of shameless arschaffen would say that out loud, in public?

PC 1: Get that “journalist” on the payroll – Grim Reaper, something like that?

PC 3: Nice use of sarcastic scare quotes, boss!

PC 1: I know, right?  Okay, so we’ve countered the Down syndrome gambit.

PC 2:  Ummmm…

PC 1: What is it?

PC 2:  She and her husband also… adopted a couple of foreign kids.

PC 1: Schiff on a shingle!  Adoption too?  (thinks for a moment)  Okay, maybe we can spin this.  A couple of white nationalists like these, I’m sure they went to some lily-white country and picked out a couple of blonde, blue-eyed Hitler-youth types to carry on their Master Race.  Where did they get the junior Aryans from? 

PC 1 looks around the table, but nobody will meet his eyes.

PC 1:  Where?  Norway?  Sweden? Denmark? 

PC 2 (clearing his throat):  Haiti.

PC 1 (leaps up and throws his laptop against the wall): Are you friending kidding me?!  This is turning into a bottomless cluster friend! 

Everyone stares at the table, while PC 1 struggles to get control of himself, before flopping back into his chair.

PC 1: At least tell me that the Haitians were hot teenage girls, so we can start a smear campaign.

PC 2:  Ummmmm…

PC 1: If you tell me that they have Down syndrome too, I’m going to stick this friending pen right through your friending skull!

PC 2: No, no!  No Down syndrome.

PC 1:  Good!

PC 3: But the girl was 14 months old when they got her, and only 11 pounds, and in danger of never being able to walk normally again.

PC 1: And?

PC 3: Now she’s a track star.

PC 1 (throwing his coffee cup against the wall)  I swear to Marx, I will friending KILL YOU!  What about the other kid?  Let me guess, he’s got a heart murmur and a cleft palate, and he’s legally blind?!

PC 2: No he’s completely healthy as far as we know.

PC 1: Thank Alinsky for small favors!  Was he at least snatched away from a happy life in Haiti?

PC 4 (in a very small voice): He was adopted at age 3 after an earthquake destroyed his village.

PC 1:   NOOOOOO!  

(He leaps across the table and begins to strangle PC 4 by his necktie.)

And, scene.

Avenatti/ No-friend-y “X-Box” Kendi 2020!

This RBG replacement drama promises to be simultaneously horrifying and hilarious.

My first thought on hearing the news of her passing on 9/18 was, “But she had her whole life ahead of her!”

Too soon?  Fine.

My second thought was that the GOP should immediately ram through a nominee.  My third thought was that that might be pretty politically dicey, since the GOP just got done insisting that a SC opening in an election year should be held until after the election.  Of course the Dems are being exactly as hypocritical, since they were also arguing the opposite in 2016.  But the MSM will never point out the hypocrisy on both sides, obviously, so the GOP would take the hit alone.

But within a day I’d learned what you all already know by now about the pattern when it comes to election-year SC openings.  To wit, there have been 29 such openings over the years, and the result is that when the same party holds the WH and the senate, a nominee is almost always named and confirmed (17 of 19 times), but when opposite parties hold the senate and WH, a nominee is almost never pushed through (only 1 of 10 times). 

Which makes perfect sense in terms of rational human and political behavior: everyone is going to do what they can to advance their cause, especially when doing so is within the rules.      

In this case, the pattern shows us that Trump and the GOP are totally in keeping with past tradition/precedent in putting a nominee on the court now.  The Dems were arguing against that precedent in 2016 (trying to bully the other party into approving their party’s nominee), and are arguing against it again now (trying to intimidate the other party into NOT putting up and approving their own nominee). 

My favorite argument in the immediate aftermath of RBG’s death was made by the most consistently inane ex-bartender/arschaffen AOC, who said that Trump is the kind of mean man who won’t grant a poor old woman’s dying wish.  Because RBG’s death-bed wish was supposedly that Trump not nominate her replacement.     

That’s not the way our legal system works, Sweet Pea.  Otherwise, I could mention that Antonin Scalia’s dying wish was that he be replaced by a series of originalists who don’t just make stuff up on the bench.  So now future Democrat presidents (shudder) must appoint Scalia clones until the end of time.  You goof.

That story made me think of what I’d like my dying words to be, and so far, I have two options:

If I should die before my wife does, I’d like to beckon her closer with my withered, Pelosi-esque claw, and whisper feebly in her ear, “The $5 million is in a safe-deposit box in… ughhhhhhhh…”

If my wife dies first, and my daughters are at my deathbed, I want to say, “Your real father was actually… ugghhhhhhhh…”

Because I want to go out all hilarious like that. 

But when it comes to RBG’s supposed dying words, I hope that this story is just another partisan Dem lie.  Because it’s hard to think of anything sadder than someone, on the brink of meeting her Maker and facing eternity, still obsessed about petty politics.

And in RBG’s case it would be doubly sad, because her final years were practically a morality tale about the hollowness of politics, and the karmic butt-kicking awaiting those who make it the center of their lives.   

She seems not to have been a bad person from most accounts, but she had a failing that all of us are prone to, which is selfishness.  When Obama was in his first term and had a large majority in the senate (2008-2010), she was 77 years old and had been on the court for 15 years.   She was 10 years past her first colon cancer surgery and radiation, and was newly diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, which is often fatal, especially for those her age. 

If she had stepped down then, Obama would have easily replaced her with a young, far-left justice who would still be tormenting our country with terrible, partisan decisions for decades to come (IMHO). 

Even when she had heart surgery in November of 2014, Obama would have been able to replace her with a young leftist, though maybe not as far left as he’d like, since the GOP held a narrow majority in the Senate, with half of Obama’s term to go. 

But she held on, and risked what has now happened.  I’m sure that she thought that Hillary would win in 2016, but that lost bet resulted in the macabre kabuki dance of the last three years.  Leftist fangirls and SNL actresses created a wholly fictional “Notorious RBG” character – feisty, physically and mentally fit, a happy warrior for the leftist vision of an infinitely plastic constitutional jurisprudence. 

After every new hospitalization and bout of chemo, the leftist press praised her return to vigorous good health the way the equally trustworthy North Korean press touts Kim’s latest round of golf, during which he made multiple holes-in-one and finished 16 under par.

But the reality was there for everyone to see.  Regular hospitalizations.  Nodding off during SOTU speeches and SC cases.  Her public appearances revealed an unwell person with the posture of the letter “C,” and the frail bones and papery skin of Nancy Pelosi’s slightly less mummified older sister.  She was desperately trying to last long enough to see the bad orange man vanquished, so that she could be replaced by a fellow traveling leftist co-religionist.

And as if it were punishment for her hubris, she finally succumbed at the 11^th hour.  For her sake, I hope that her last days weren’t consumed with thoughts of politics.  Because if they were, those thoughts were surely bitter as ashes in her mouth.    

By the way, does her story remind you of anyone else on the political scene right now? 

Someone in obviously failing health, who should have stepped aside years ago?  Someone who’s desperately trying to hang on until after the election, and being propped up and lied to by a bunch of desperately dishonest partisans, all of them pretending that he’s in great shape, and once the bad orange man has been vanquished, he’ll be free to step down and let a younger, far-left replacement carry on his legacy?

If you tell me you don’t know who I mean, you’re a lying, dog-faced pony soldier.  C’mon man!

I’ve loved watching Cocaine Mitch at his Cocaine Mitch-iest for these last 10 days.  Schumer is squawking about the end of the world, and the MSM are simultaneously lighting their hair on fire and indulging in self-pleasuring fantasies of creating a 27-judge Supreme Court if they win the election.  

Dick “nobody ever calls him Richard” Durbin and Richard “everybody secretly calls him Dick” Blumenthal are both contemplating skipping the hearings, or at least lying on the Senate floor and holding their breath while having a Curly-Howard-style circular kicking fit. 

Meanwhile a gaggle of jackanapes, ne’er-do-wells and basement-dwellers are outside of McConnell’s Kentucky home, banging drums and screaming obscenities throughout the night, to deprive him of sleep.

I like to picture him sitting in an undisclosed location in DC, his fingers steepled in front of him as he watches the morons outside of his house in Kentucky through his ring doorbell camera.  And then, his eyes twinkling with mirth, he looks over at the framed photo on his desk, of Harry Reid, on the day he killed the filibuster, thus enabling an army of Trump-appointed judges and – God willing – the notorious ACB replacing RBG on the SC!    

You’d think the Dems would have learned their lesson by now: don’t mess with the Cartoon Schildkrote!   (For those of you who didn’t read my column last Monday: that’s the German word for “turtle,” which translates literally as “shield toad.”)

(And no, I’m not going to stop trying to work these terrific German words into our everyday vocabulary.  And only a real Adamschiffen would try to stop me!)

Speaking of which, some of you who have been reading this page and my columns for a couple of years – and why hasn’t some sharp-eyed investor already put those together into a handsome series of leather-bound volumes, like the old Time-Life Series on old west gunslingers or something?  — may remember when I introduced you to the Simpson Face Punchability Index, or SFPI™  (Appropriately enough, the execrable Harry Reid holds the all-time high SFPI.)

Well it turns out the clever Germans beat me to it!  Hat tip to reader Michaela Lieb, who told me that the Germans have a word that just rolls off the tongue – “backpfeifengesicht” (pronounced just like it’s spelled, duh!) – which means “a face that badly needs to be punched.” 

God, I love the Germans!

Avenatti/ Harry “Backpfeifengesicht” Reid  2020!

  After a string of columns in which I vented my spleen at the political forces that are threatening to rip our country apart, I’d like to return to the “we should all be optimists” theme from a couple of months ago.  Because even amongst this current chaos, we are living in amazing times, and we are surrounded by many good things that we should savor and appreciate. 

Positive thing #1: I recently came across a guy on Youtube who speaks 50 languages or more, and he goes around shocking people in stores and malls by speaking to them in their native languages.  He’s a switched-on black guy named Moses McCormick, and you should check out his videos. 

I cannot get enough of seeing him talking to some Vietnamese family or Japanese guy or Albanian weightlifter in a gym, and watching their double-take and then delighted expressions as this black American unleashes a torrent of fluent foreigner-talk.  Plus, he’s got this sonorous Denzel Washington laugh that might possibly cure cancer.   

Positive thing #2:  Speaking of the possibility of cross-cultural harmony, America is the least racist multi-cultural country in the history of the world. 

That probably sounds ridiculous to you, if you went to an American school or college in the last 30 years, and unless you’ve actually traveled to a lot of other multi-racial countries in the world.   The left has been howling about what a terrible and racist country America is for decades, but even a tiny bit of common sense should tell you that that is not true.   

If we were so terrible, why would untold millions of people from around the world be doing everything they can to come here?  Why does all of the raft traffic between here and Cuba go in one direction only, away from the enlightened, socialist paradise Cuba and toward America?  Why would all of the illegal border crossings between us and Mexico be one-way, from Mexico to this land, which the La Raza creeps says is a terrible place to be… as they fight tooth and nail to stay. 

The same applies to American citizens.  To listen to Biden and Comma-la and Obama and every other national Dem official tell it, America is a hell-hole of racist oppression for black Americans.

But how does that claim square with the strange recent phenomenon of white folks pretending to be black?  Rachel Dolezal (the NAACP local leader, for whom the “C” stood for “Caucasian”) is probably the most famous example, exposed when pictures turned up of her in her early teens, showing her fair hair and blue eyes, wearing a gingham dress, and looking more like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms than Assata Shakur. 

But within just the last month, several faux black academics have made mortifying confessions when they were caught after pretending to be black.  Jessica Krug has spent more than a decade publishing unreadable, jargon-clotted academic drivel on various lefty, minority-centric topics, but had to resign from her faculty post at GW University this month after it turned out that she is just a white person with “lifelong mental illness struggles.” (Does it suggest anything to anyone that someone with life-long mental problems had NO problem fitting into academia?)

In Wisconsin, grad student — and aspiring-faux black tenured professor, I guess – CV Vitolo-Haddad was also forced to step down from her TA position when it turned out that she was only a lowly… Italian!  Oh the shame! 

And let’s not forget the MA Senator who, despite being as white as the love-child of Tom Wolfe and Icelandic singer/weirdo Bjork, lying on a polar bear rug in January in Reykjavik, claimed to be a Cherokee maiden.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

I don’t cite these examples to mock these obviously disturbed people.  (Except for Lizzie the Algonquin Albino, who deserves more mockery than she will ever get.)  I just want to make a point that should be obvious:  in societies which are truly racist toward any minority, NO ONE ever pretends to be a member of that minority.

In Catholic countries 500 years ago, do you think any Catholics were pretending to be Protestants?  In Hitler’s Germany, do you think any blue-eyed blondes were pretending to be Jews?  In the Democrat-run slave states before the Civil War – or in the Democrat-run Jim Crow states 100 years ago – do you think any white folks were pretending to be black folks?  In fact, there are heartbreaking tales from the pre- and post-Civil War of mixed raced people doing everything they could to “pass” as white. 

In stark contrast, mixed race people today will almost inevitably identify as black.  Obama – who is technically as white as he is black, and who was raised by his white family in almost exclusively white (and Hawaiian) social circles until college – received all kinds of advantages and almost certainly millions of more votes by presenting himself as black, rather than mixed race.   (Have you ever heard of anyone or any media account referring to him as “the first mixed-race president?”)

We’re an amazing country, and while racism exists here as it does in every country with people in it, we’re an amazingly accepting nation.  We need to remember that, and to teach it to our kids, and to do our best to counter the poisonous, anti-American lies that the left is filling peoples’ heads with about race. 

Positive thing #3: If you still have Netflix – and after the “Cuties” controversy, I wouldn’t blame you for getting rid of it – I have three recommendations if you like well-crafted writing.

Most of you have probably already seen No Country for Old Men, but it rewards multiple viewings.  The acting and cinematography are great, and there are half a dozen scenes that I’ve watched a hundred times or more, just to savor the pitch-perfect language.

Colin Quinn is a rare comic that (to my knowledge) has not felt the need to get partisan/political.  He’s got a sharp eye, and a way with words, and his special “New York Story” is a funny love letter to the multicultural mix that created his hometown.  (Though now it feels a little like an obituary, after watching the way Cuomo and DiBlasio seem bent on making the city unlivable for sane people.)

Finally, “Mr. Right” is a little-known but deftly written comedy that starts out as a pedestrian romcom, but 10 minutes in turns into an eccentric serial-killer-with-a-heart-of-gold-meets-girl story.  Sam Rockwell is great as the male lead, and Anna Kendrick is freaking adorable; she does light comedy very well, and while she’s not classically beautiful, I have a crush on her anyway.  

Positive thing #4:  While our professional athletes have been doing their best to make me hate all sports, and Joe Biden has been fielding softball questions like a guy who badly needs to stumble into the tent where the concussion protocols are given, and the MSM has focused like Rain Man on the most insignificant turns of phrase in the president’s trivial tweets…

Donald Trump has been helping to bring peace to the Middle East! 

No he’s not solely responsible.   The Israelis have stepped up and been reasonable, as they nearly always are.  And the first few Arab countries to sign on have recognized reality, and the best interests of their citizens. 

And we can’t forget the crucial role that Obama played, either.  His disastrously wrong, gaffe-filled foreign policy decisions – especially the brainiac plan to trust the jihadi freaks running Iran, and to give them political support and mountains of cash – created such catastrophic chaos that even the most recalcitrant nations in the region had to admit that Israel is not the problem. 

It’s also fun to watch the MSM heartburn at this development.  For my entire lifetime, “peace in the Middle East” has been an absurdist punchline, right there beside “curing cancer” as a trope used to suggest something that is metaphysically impossible.  For decades, the Wizards of Smart (hat tip to Rush) in our foreign policy establishment have been stroking their chins and condescendingly sniffing that no Middle East treaties can ever be negotiated until the terrorist Palestinian government has first been appeased.

And then this big, orange dope bumbles in and does what they say couldn’t be done.

And Obama sits in his mansion in his all-white neighborhood on Martha’s Vineyard staring at the wall, and young jihadis in the West Bank listlessly fiddle with their suicide vests – all dressed up, and no one to blow up.  And our media DO NOT COVER the biggest foreign policy story since 9/11. 

If this schadenfreude continues for any longer than four hours, I will need to call my physician.

Speaking of schadenfreude, I now come to Positive Thing #5: the amazing, entertaining German language, which I have lately come to enjoy more and more.  So let me finish by singing its praises. 

First, a German dad-joke:  No matter how kind you are, German children will always be kinder.

One thing to love about Germans is the way they coin such amazing combination words.

In addition to schadenfreude (joy taken from another’s misery), there is “verschlimmbessern,” which means “making something worse while trying to fix it.” 

As in, “Obamacare was a gigantic, stinking heap of verschlimmbessern.”

There is also a word that means “the weight gained due to emotional eating when depressed”: “kummerspeck.”  Which literally means “grief bacon!” 

As in, “If Biden wins, I’m going to spend all of November mowing through an entire barnyard’s worth of kummerspeck.”

There’s even a word that means, “you’re not wrong, you’re just an a**hole” – waltersobchakeit – which would come in super handy every election year, as well as many other times.  (Now if only there were a word that means something very similar: “you are wrong, AND you’re an a**hole.”  I nominate “adamschiffen.”)

(You’re welcome.)

Many German words are comically on point.  The word for birth control pill is “antibabypille.”  (No word on whether the word for abortionist is “antibabydoktor,” but it should be.) 

The word for “skunk” is “stinkteir” – stink animal. 

The word for “porcupine” is “stachelschwein” – spike pig. 

The word for “turtle” is “schildkrote” – shield toad.

The word for “turkey” is “truthan” – threatening chicken.

Gloves are “hand shoes” (handschuhe).  Friends with benefits are “sexfreunde.”  Kittens are “cat children.”  Lightbulbs are “glow pears.”   

I love it! 

As in many languages, German words that are almost identical can mean something very different:  “erschaffen”  means “create,” but change one letter — to “arschaffen” – and you’ve got “ass monkey.”

German also has some idiomatic phrases that are nonsensical to outsiders.  “Das ist mir Wurst” is a phrase that means, “I don’t care.”    Literally translated, it means “This is sausage to me.”  I have no idea why sausage would evoke such apathy – to me a good wurst is the best! (HA!) – but I love the phrase.  And I’m going to try to use it whenever I get the chance, no matter how many strange looks I get.

Have a happy Monday, everybody.   And as we approach election day, remember that Trump has been erschaffen a strong economy and peace in the Middle East, while Joe Biden is just an arschaffen. 

Also, you’ll be hearing a lot of Democrat talking points about why Trump shouldn’t nominate a replacement for Ginsburg, but it’s all sausage to me, and it should be to you, too.

Avenatti/ Arschaffen 2020!

Last week I wrote a flurry of columns – four in five days – mostly to vent and mock those on the left who hate the country, white folks and cops – not necessarily in that order – and have spent these last months rioting, kneeling at football games and all the rest. 

On the one hand, it feels great to take such rhetorical shots at deserving targets, and I think it’s probably good for my blood pressure.  But I’m also aware that sustained anger can be corrosive – even if that anger is righteous. 

And like most of us, I guess, I always feel like my anger is righteous! 

This column is going to be a little more of the same, but I’m working on something for Monday morning that will be full of positive, lighthearted stuff to get your week off to a sunny start.  But in the meantime, there’s more to get off my chest, and more leftist crash test dummies that need to be figuratively run into a concrete abutment at 70 mph with no passenger restraints engaged.

First, Imhotep Pelosi continues to be absolutely awful.  Her latest offense against all that is good and reasonable was an interview that she gave last week on the subject of the CA wildfires. 

One bit of projection that always amuses me is the Left’s arrogantly claiming the mantle of the Party of Science™.  Sure, they’re not big on the whole “humanity is a sexually dimorphic species” idea, or the existence of X and Y chromosomes that determine gender, or that a baby in the womb is a baby.  In the womb.  But they’re all in on a view of climate change that comes down to, “Gaia exists, and we will feel Her wrath!”

I know what you’re thinking: “Oh Martin, you are such a compelling writer, with your deft exaggerations for comic effect, and your hilarious running jokes about Nancy Pelosi’s desiccated appearance, and also your undeniable sexual magnetism, which is neither here nor there.”

First, aw shucks.  I just try to take care of myself, go running with Cassie the Wonder Dog, and lift a few weights once in a while.

Second, I am not exaggerating for comic effect when I talk about Pelosi.  The dangerously mask-less mummy was on MSNBC last week – her hair looked terrific! – and she said the following, which I swear I am not making up:

“Mother Earth is angry.  She’s telling us – whether she’s telling us with hurricanes on the Gulf Coast, fires in the west, whatever it is – the climate crisis is real, and has an impact.”    

Got that?  It’s not terrible, environmental-extremist-driven forest management which has allowed tons of dry tinder to build up in our forests for decades.  No!  Too many of us have been voting for conservatives, and Mother Earth is very displeased. 

If Biden wins in November, I expect that we’ll embark on a “throw some virgins into the forest fires” program that Pelosi promises will end those fires, and also give us a plentiful harvest next fall.  Now if you’ll excuse her, she has to meet with Biden’s future cabinet, where they will read some chicken entrails to come up with an economic plan for the next fiscal year.

I know that Pelosi is old enough that she and Mother Earth went to high school together, but I am still not going to accept her interpretations of Her message!

Next, the tragic shooting of the two cops in Compton last weekend is as infuriating an event as has happened in this infuriating year.  It’s especially aggravating that the coward who shot them is still at large.  (Although after watching the video of the shooting, I think the proper term would have to be “at small,” wouldn’t it?)

This incident is especially instructive, for two reasons.  First, the hateful BLM and antifa creeps who have been animating these months-long riots and attacks on cops claim to be outraged over cops brutalizing innocent black people, even though they are strangely unable to point to more than one or two extremely isolated instances in which that actually has happened.

Instead, they cite one case after another in which black criminals victimize mostly black victims, and when those black victims call the cops, the criminals attack them and fight with them until they get shot.

But the Compton shooting lifts the veil from even that flimsy excuse.  The two cops were sitting their squad car, not bothering anybody, when the little creep shot them and ran away. 

The second – and probably more important – aspect of this shooting is the reaction from presumed leftists at various levels.  At the base, a bunch of vile creeps began videotaping the two cops right after the shooting.  They laughed and celebrated as the female cop – with blood pouring from her jaw wound – tried to call for help, and tend to her partner who had been shot in the forehead.  

I couldn’t listen to more than a minute of several of those videos, and I probably shouldn’t have listened to that much.   And I would not attribute a political ideology to those scumbags, as they are likely not capable of a level of thought that could rise above, “Me smash!” or “Orange man bad!”

But they have definitely been marinating in the hateful messages of one of our main political parties: America is an evil, systemically racist and oppressive country, and cops are the murderous foot soldiers of that racist regime, and thus deserve whatever violence can be visited upon them.  

If you think that’s too harsh, you haven’t been paying attention.  That message, in one form or another, can be found in the speeches and web postings and campaign materials of mainstream Democrat candidates – including those in the presidential primaries – all across the country. 

For example, within hours of that attempted double cop murder, the leftist City Manager of neighboring Lynwood, Jose Ometeotl (not to be confused with Quetzalcoatl, who was worshipped by a bunch of bloodthirsty goons like Jose), posted a social media graphic of Malcolm X’s famous quote about chickens coming home to roost, along with a paragraph that features the same evil dishonesty that has been expressed in ten thousand Democrat talking points this year.

Jose first rhetorically cleared his throat (“I do not condone the type of violence…”), before he immediately went on to condone the violence.  He referred to the way that Compton has been “plagued by deputy gangs that inflict fear and violence,” and explained that when a cowardly little punk tries to assassinate two cops it “is to be expected” because of the “seeds of anger and frustration” that the sheriff’s office has sown in the community. 

Another well-known BLM activist leader named Kevin Wharton Price described the proper reaction to the cop shooting this way:  “We are supposed to celebrate today because the oppressor has been slain.  If this is a start of retribution, then I think this is a very good start.” 

These people are both prominent, local leftist leaders, one elected, and one in a leadership position in a group that even the Democrat presidential ticket has been praising all summer.  And we’ve heard only the most tepid response:  nothing about the riots during the convention, and only the most bland and colorless reference to “violence on both sides” since.  

Meanwhile 99.9% of the violence has been on the one side that the Dems won’t mention by name, or condemn with any vigor, while they simultaneously bleat about imaginary armies of “white nationalists and Neo-nazis” who somehow manage not to riot, or burn any buildings, or kill anyone.  Or exist.  

An equally infuriating leftist riot happened in Lancaster, PA, after the 100% righteous shooting of Ricardo Munoz.  As with previous cause-celebre martyrs taken up by Biden voters as justification for an orgy of violence, Munoz turns out not to have been a sterling citizen.

In fact, he was awaiting trial for an incident last year when he stabbed four people, including a 22-year-old woman and a 16-year-old boy.  Last week his mother called the cops because he was acting erratic – again! – and had a knife – again! – and she was frightened about what he might do.  Again!

When the cops arrived, and before they even had a chance to demonstrate their anti-black racism against this armed Hispanic maniac, Munoz barreled out of the house and charged the cops.  He was screaming and waving a huge knife as he sprinted toward them.

Which is apparently his thing.

Like the antifa creep in Kenosha who brought a skateboard to a gunfight, this guy who brought a knife to a gunfight lost in the first round.  Convincingly. 

The cops, well aware that Biden-voting dimwits are prone to riot after anybody anywhere gets themselves shot by a cop, quickly put out a still picture of Munoz in full stride as he charged, mid-scream, and brandishing his fearsome-looking blade.

The picture made no difference, and the rioters rioted anyway.  As they put it, “No justice, no peace.”  Also, “Lots of justice, still no peace.”   And, “No matter what, no peace!”

So to re-cap, it doesn’t matter that the guy had a giant knife, because as a left-wing journalist/moron at the Milwaukee newspaper might put it, “he was otherwise unarmed.”  

Or, as I might equally logically put it, “With the exception of his brand new bullet holes, Munoz was otherwise unharmed.”

One final irony is that the racialists in BLM – who get furious if you say “All Lives Matter,” or “Blue Lives Matter,” and so, presumably, “Brown Lives Matter” – eagerly adopted Munoz as one of their own.

But then again, he did fit the profile of BLM’s favorite sainted victim group: he was a violent criminal, awaiting trial on a previous violent crime, who attacked a cop.

Why, it’s almost like BLM is a lot more concerned with the lives of violent criminals, than it is with the lives of black folks. 

But I guess VCLM doesn’t quite roll off the tongue the same way.

Avenatti/ Jose Quetzalcoatl 2020!

Boy, are Biden and Comma-la proving to be a dynamic duo! Every time Biden comes out into the open, blinking and disoriented, he almost manages to read from a teleprompter, and then is shuffled offstage for jello time.  And yet somehow, Kamala is managing to under-perform Joe.

There’s a reason that after an orgasmic media roll out during the primaries – She’s black!  She’s female!  She has a name that’s easy to mis-pronounce, but if you’re a conservative and mispronounce it, you’re a racist!  We looooove her!!!  — that she flamed out immediately. 

She garnered only 7% in her own home state, and was one of the first ones to drop out of the race, being outlasted by, among others, Grandma Squanto, the teen gay judge-y Pastor Buttigieg, and the 112-year old Vermont socialist who can’t remember whether he’s Ben or Jerry.

Because she talked.  And cackled.  And embodied an inauthenticity so metaphysically dense that no honest thought could escape its gravitational pull. 

She made wildly unsubstantiated charges against her fellow Dem empty suits.  She told wildly unfunny jokes, and then laughed like Hillary Clinton and the Joker had had a baby, who grew up to run for president and then huffed some nitrous oxide right before the debates.

Even her biography didn’t help, which is almost unbelievable in this day of identity politics on the left.  How does a minority, female Democrat not at least make it onto the medal stand of mediocrity at the end of the Democrat primaries?

 It turns out that she’s half Indian (spelling bee Indian, not fake Warren Indian) (#wemustneverstopmockingher) and half-Jamaican.  So no luck on the “my ancestors were enslaved in the Deep South” diversity points.

But at least she did have an ancestral tie to slavery… but it was that one of her Jamaican ancestors owned a bunch of slaves.  Cue the sad trombone.

Her personal bio wasn’t great, either.  As a cripplingly untalented young woman, she was having a hard time being taken seriously in political circles. Then, at 29, she managed to bump into creepy, 60-year-old married, leftist power broker Willie Brown.  (And yes, “bump into” is a euphemism.) 

From there, it was only a hop, skip and a hump, and she was hired for two political make-work jobs that paid in the mid six-figures, and launched her career in California politics.

Sorry – that’s “jump.”  A hop, skip and a jump. 

My bad.

Anyway, on Tuesday she spent some time with Jacob Blake Jr. and his family.  

You may remember him from that time he committed armed crimes and fought with cops years ago, or from that other time when he digitally raped a woman earlier this year, or from that time a few weeks ago when he returned to that woman’s house (with an active warrant out for him) and stole from her, before fighting with the police again, and going for a weapon, until he was (finally!) shot. 

And don’t confuse Jacob Blake Jr. with Jacob Blake Sr.  The old man is the Farrakhan fan who hates Jews, spews racial epithets at white people, and also at black people who aren’t criminals, and who screams out bulging-eyed diatribes at anti-cop hate fests. 

It’s like you can’t tell one giant d-bag Jacob Blake from another around Kenosha without a score card.

Anyway, Kamala came to town, and I know what you’re thinking: she’s a hard-nosed, tough-on-crime ex-prosecutor, so she probably laid into the rapist Jacob Blake and the creepy anti-Semite Jacob Blake – and any other Jacob Blakes to be named later, I guess.

Not exactly.  In fact she said of the Blakes, “They’re an incredible family. And what they’ve endured, and they just do it with such dignity and grace. And you know, they’re carrying the weight of a lot of voices on their shoulders.”

Ugh.  There is something wrong with every phrase there.  They’re not an incredible family – they’re a disturbed, dysfunctional family.  They haven’t endured, they’ve inflicted.  What part of forcibly sticking your fingers into a frightened, non-consenting woman’s body is dignified, Kamala?

She can’t even come up with a decent metaphor!  Voices don’t have any weight, and you can’t carry them, and they don’t rest on your shoulders. Idiot! 

To tops things off, Jacob Blake told the media – rapist Jacob Blake, not Jew-hating Jacob Blake – that Kamala told him that she was proud of him.

Double Ugh!

Jacob Blake  — the young creep, not the old one — is reportedly paralyzed from the waist down.   According to ABC news, “Doctors fear he may never walk again.”

You know who probably doesn’t fear that?  His potential rape victims!  (Cue Cheese-head Sam Kinison.  OH! OOOHHH!)

On the other hand, he still has control over his right arm and hand, and unluckily enough, that is both his knife hand AND his digital raping hand.  So you’re not out of the woods yet, black female Wisconsin residents.

What is it with top Democrats and siding with the bad guys?  If it’s not the Black Panthers, it’s thuggish rappers, or third-string America hating QB Colin Kapernick.  In a nation with – tragically – many thousands of young black men killed – when they are NOT committing crimes — by other black men, who did Obama pick as the one who “could be my son?”  Trayvon Martin!  Whom you may remember from that time when he was beating that “white Hispanic’s” already fractured skull into concrete right before he got righteously shot.

C’mon, Barry!  When it comes to identifying with and lauding black males, what’s wrong with Denzel, or David Dorn, or Tim Scott or Thomas Sowell or Clarence Thomas or Larry Elder or the late great Walter Payton (peace be upon him)?

Why hold up and praise rapists and convicts and other bad actors?  I’m almost as white as Elizabeth Warren (second verse, same as the first: #wemustneverstopmockingher), and even I can see that that’s insulting to black people.

Triple Ugh.  At least Plugsy and Kamala are doing their best to come off as completely unelectable, so we’ve got that going for us.   

For my second dose of schadenfreude, I’ll point you to the fact that in the last several weeks or so, it looks like the murderously peaceful rioters are actually starting to be arrested. 

Look at Breitbart’s 9/8 mugshot photo array – provided by the indispensable Andy Ngo – of the fascist “Anti-Fascist” peaceful rioters arrested in Portland recently.   (By the way, Breitbart has another round of mugshots posted on 9/9, but I’m talking below about the ones from 9/8.)

But first, a warning;  What you are about to see may be disturbing to some viewers.  Reader Discretion Advised.   Put away any scissors, skewers, knitting needles or any other pointy objects capable of gouging out your eyes as the result of a reflexive reaction upon seeing these horrifying visages.

For those of you with weak stomachs, I’ll attempt to paint a word picture.  I couldn’t make myself look at the page for long enough to read many of their names, but I have given them tremendously accurate descriptors of my own.

They are arranged in three rows of 4 mugshots each.  It’s like a demented Brady Bunch opening shot, except if Mike and Carol Brady were actually Charles Manson and Hillary Clinton, and their kids inherited only the most mis-shapen parts of their DNA.  (Sing it with me: “Here’s the story… of a former first lady… who was bringing up three horrifically feral girls.  All of them had shriveled souls… like their mother.   Several of them identify as crows.”  CAW CAW CAW)

Or no, wait! It’s like a game of Satan’s Bingo, with every square a nightmare, and when the “winner” connects a line of these monstrosities, instead of yelling “BINGO!” she yells, “YIKES!”

I kill me. 

Anyway, if you want to play the home game, call up the Breitbart story (after securing your pointy objects out of arm’s reach), and then see how many names I’ve nailed.  Starting at the top left, and going through one horizontal row at a time…  

Top row:  Angry Achmed, Grandma’s Cat’s-Eye Glasses, Gary Busey after Two More Helmet-less Motorcycle Crashes, Pancho Villa’s unconvincingly blond Great-Grandson. 

Middle Row:  Head Shape Not found in Nature, Blue Hair/Maddow Glasses, Identifies as Female but is Fooling No One, Smirky Hatchet-Face. 

Bottom Row:  Dimples & Lashes (nice!), Trying to Look Brave, Purple-Hair early-stage Meth Girl, Hispanic FuManchu & Mullet combo.

Scroll down through the story and you’ll find another batch of mugshots.  And it doesn’t get any better. 

There’s “Eyes Way Too Close Together,” and “Open Skin Sores” and “Stubbly McGee,” followed by “Kill my Landlord!” and “I hate you, Dad!” and “Snarly Garcia.” Then “Half-Lidded Dead Eyes” and “Parents were Cousins,” and “Parents were Siblings,” and several other variants of “The Family Tree was a Ladder.” 

Out of 20 pictures, two are gender-confused: a Deidre who used to be a David, and a Nicole, damned by the faintest of praise: “listed as female.”  Ouch.

They all look like the kind of geniuses who might bring a skateboard to a rifle fight, or light their feet on fire and dance around hilariously, while others of them try to put out the fire by waving oxygen toward it with a garbage can lid. 

Good times!

Granted, I’ve only seen those 20 pictures – and I’m really hoping I can find the new Visine “Retina Wipes” eye drops that I’m afraid might not exist – but I’m quite confident that if I looked through the other several hundred mugshots of peaceful rioters being arrested all across this great nation, I’d find more of the same.

You know who I’m 100% certain I would NOT find? 

“Va Va Voom” and “Look Who’ Been Working Out” and “Giggity Giggity” and “Brad Pitt’s Stunt Double” and “Miss Florida 2019” and “Runner-up for People’s Sexiest Man of the Year 2018,” and “Melania, is that You?”

If you ever find yourself doubting whether you’re on the right side of our political divide, here’s my advice:

1. Peruse the wit and wisdom offered on the Cautious Optimism website.
2. Read any book by Thomas Sowell.
3. Lock up your knitting needles and go to the 9/8/20 Breitbart story on the antifa mugshots.     

You may have thought this many times over the last six months, but believe me when I tell you:

It’s getting ugly out there.

Avenatti/Head Shape Not Found in Nature 2020!

The tendency of Leftists to project their own flaws onto conservatives – the psychologists call this “projection” – never ceases to amuse, even as it aggravates.  A few past examples:

In 2016, the DNC and the Hillary campaign paid Brit Christopher Steele, who paid a bunch of Russian ex-spies (among others) to come up with a fabricated dossier which falsely accused Trump of colluding with the Russians, which means that CAW CAW and the Dems did their best to collude with the Russians to defeat Trump. 

And then they spent 3 years screaming that Trump colluded with the Russians.

The left elected Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy and dozens of other lecherous leftist men who spent decades leaving no female staffers’ derrieres un-groped, and covered up for them all. 

Then leftist sugar daddies Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein — and leftist “journalists” Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose and Garrison Keillor, and leftist pols like Anthony Weiner, etc. etc. — got caught.  So leftists naturally accused conservatives of sexually mistreating women.

Last week’s fun new example happened over at the Atlantic – where “Truth Dies in Flatulence”™ — when a partisan hack “journalist” and a handful of anonymous sources tried smear #3,672 since 2016: Trump hates the military. 

Before you ask, “How stupid do they think we are?” (spoiler alert: the answer is, “As stupid as they themselves actually are.”), you have to admit that they chose their false quotes well.  Trump is awfully quick with the “losers” sobriquet, and his stupid, old comment about McCain (“I like my heroes to be people who weren’t captured.”) almost makes it momentarily believable. 

Until you remember his well-known personal animus against everyone who says mean things about him, and his particular grudge against McCain.  (Which I think most conservatives share: McCain was a brave man and a hero when young, but he became a shallow, petty, trifling politician by the end of his life.  In fact, his biography is a cautionary tale about the ever-present dangers of vanity and duplicity when someone becomes a politician.)  Whatever else you can say about Trump, you cannot say that he’s been disrespectful toward the military. 

The schadenfreude in this story for me comes because it is such a textbook example of leftist projection.  They falsely accuse Trump of the terrible sin of doing what they have reflexively done for my entire lifetime: denigrate the military.

Off the top of my head:  Vietnam-era leftist creeps slandered returning soldiers as “baby killers;” traitorous shrew Jane Fonda sided with Communist murderers against Americans trying to stop them from enslaving their own people; and Lurch Kerry denounced our troops during Vietnam as a bunch of proto-Genghis Khans, happily torturing innocent Vietnamese women and children. 

Every leftist celebrity with a camera and a studio expense account for hookers and blow spent the 1970s making anti-military movies depicting all vets as either immoral monsters or psychotics, and their mentees 30 years later did the same with anti-military movies smearing the vets of Iraq and Afghanistan. 

Dem senator Dick “nobody ever calls him Richard” Durbin compared our troops to Nazis.  And every Dem president since Carter has repeatedly tried to cut our military budget.

So spare us your hand-wringing about Donald Trump allegedly being anti-soldier.  You cornered that market a long time ago, you hypocritical jerks.

Another journalistic malfeasance/malpractice-fest happened in the coverage of Biden’s doddering performance at a “Q&A” session last week. 

First, an African American woman – supposedly an “average citizen” with an “honest question” for the posthumous candidate — blew the cover story that Biden was there answering random questions.  She said, “I’m going to be honest, Mr. Biden.  I was told to go off this paper, but I can’t.” 

Her question was nothing especially unusual, but if the “journalists” in the room were worthy of the title, they should have followed up.  Can you imagine the firestorm that would erupt if it were discovered that Trump had supporters planted in the audience, to ask him pre-scripted questions? 

But it got worse from there.  Biden bumbled and mumbled through several planted questions, and he eventually dropped a cringe-making, pandering reference intended to prove to black folks that he holds them in the highest regard.  “The light bulb was invented by a black guy, not by Thomas Edison.  Okay?”

Forget the hyper annoying tone, and the tiny detail that Biden is 100% wrong, and the offensive nature of reducing everything to race.  Even if a black guy did invent the lightbulb – good for him – but so what? 

Are we really supposed to get into the racial grievance business over every invention from the past?  Should we gloat when we see a black family driving in a car or using an I-phone?  “That’s ours!  White guys invented those!  Stop using them, you cultural appropriators!  Get out of that car right now, and give me your cell phone.  And in exchange, I’ll give you this lightbulb.” 

Does it really help improve the plight of any black people if we attribute the invention of the lightbulb to a black man?  Does anyone on death row ever think, “Well, my dad abandoned me and mom was a junkie, and the Democrats who run my deteriorating city stuck me in terrible schools and a crime-infested neighborhood.  And killing that busload of nuns as part of my gang initiation means that I’m going to spend the rest of my horrific life in this hell-on-earth jail cell.”

“But now that I know that a century ago, a guy with roughly my same coloring invented the lightbulb, I’m feeling pret-tee good about life!  I mean sure, it would be nice not to have to spend the rest of the month fashioning a spork into a shiv to defend myself with, but – all things considered — that lightbulb thing is really something to hang my hat on.”

Besides which, even when this kind of thing is well-intentioned, it tends to backfire, because the racial cheerleading rarely lives up to its billing.  The Greeks have drama and democracy and philosophy and ouzo; the Chinese have paper and fireworks and a Great Wall and a cool form of checkers; the Jews have relativity and curing diseases and comedy and Nobel prizes and Sandy Koufax; the Italians have Trajan’s column and the colosseum  and the aqueducts and Rocky Marciano and pizza; the Germans have Beethoven and the BMW and Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Nena. 

The Brits have Shakespeare – which should be enough – but also Milton and the Spitfire and the Magna Carta and C.S. Lewis and the Sutton Hoo burial hoard.   Scots have scotch – which should be enough – but also Robert Burns and golf and some music that my Appalachian ancestors turned into gold. 

I could go on and on. 

But any time you have a condescending lefty cheerleading for any supposedly under-appreciated group, the verbal pats on the head always fall short:  “The proud Albanian people have given us… several Belushis.  And let us never forget that the Rock is half-Samoan.  And women have greatly contributed to science, as I can prove by pointing to Marie Curie, and… I guess… that lady who came up with Spanx.  Also, George Washington Carver gave us peanut butter.” 

Thanks, condescending liberal dope.  And by the way, you don’t have to convince us that all people have inherent worth.  We already love and value women – some of us are married to one, and have fathered a few, and were even given birth to by one.  And we don’t often think about Albanians and Samoans, truth be told, but we’re still cool with them.  And none of us have ever said that black lives don’t matter.  So hold the lecture, you arrogant goofs.

Also, does anyone else see the irony in the fact that the guy who wants to demonstrate his racial wokeness bona fides by citing the example of the light bulb… hasn’t had a light bulb go on over his head since he got the idea to plagiarize a speech from a Welsh politician in 1987?

Avenatti/ Spanx-inventing-lady 2020!

Since my column on Sunday got pretty long, and there was still more badly needed entertainment at the expense of badly behaving lefties to be mined, here is the next part of a continuing series.  Since Sunday is over, I’m officially designating this month. “Schadenfreude September.”

First, Imhotep Pelosi is a never-ending font of joy to me.  After getting caught with her burial wrappings down in the salon scandal, she managed to improve on the stereotypical non-apology apology – “I’m sorry if anyone was offended by my inoffensive action…” – by going full sociopath. 

She has lectured us for months on how anyone who doesn’t wear a mask is a Satanic orange evil-doer, and that any business owners who see customers want to kill their neighbors.  Then she had a minion schedule a hair appointment, which she swanned through, sans mask. 

And when she got caught, the perfidious homunculus said, “I take responsibility for being set up.   In fact [insert clacking dentures sound here], I think the salon owner owes ME an apology!”

Ugh!  The worst part is that her behavior proves that she doesn’t even believe the apocalyptic doom-mongering that she is using to keep her constituents prisoners in their own hovels.  Because she preaches that the Flu Manchu is going to kill all old people.   

And yet, despite the fact that she herself is 2,358 years old – born in a Nile river town during the reign of Cheops the Indifferent – she parades around the salon without a mask.   If she really believed that advanced age made one susceptible, she’d be locked in her underground tomb, surrounded by her organs in their various canopic jars, until we came up with a vaccine.  

Second, I get a lot of pleasure from seeing one particular consequence of the Dems allowing peaceful rioters to peacefully torch cities all over our country: gun sales are through the roof! 

As an amateur statistician, I’ve noticed that two phenomena can be guaranteed to cause a spike in gun sales: a politician talking about passing legislation to ban guns (Obama was great for gun manufacturers!) and a spate of “peaceful” rioting.  So naturally, the last few months have been especially good for gun sales, and in many places, ammunition is even in short supply. 

The very idea of many everyday Americans buying guns in response to mobs of thugs running wild in our cities is terrifying to a certain type of politician.  And that type of politician is called a power-hungry leftist.  (genus: “proto-dictatorius Stalinus”) 

Like most sentient Americans, watching the riots for these last few months has given me a new appreciation for the second amendment.  Because when the mob confronts unarmed people, the end result is terrified, beaten or murdered good guys. 

But when that same mob attacks armed citizens, the outcome tends to be different.  Ferocious would-be napalmers of the elderly drop to the ground crying, mean old bullies tuck their tiny tails between their legs (if by “tails” you mean…) and soak their black-leather pants with their own urine, and run away.

Even baby-faced, pudgy 17 year olds – if they’ve got a rifle – can go 3-0 against the Three Socialist Stooges of Kenosha:  Screamy, Rapey and Lefty. 

Don’t get me wrong: I still think the cops should be stopping the peaceful rioters on our streets, so that regular citizens wouldn’t have to.  But if you live in a leftist-run city or state, where governors and mayors hamstring the cops and encourage the thugs, and allow 100 days of non-stop pillaging?

To paraphrase the great Henry Louis Mencken,  “Hoist the stars and stripes and start placing your shots.”     

Third, I also enjoy watching the MSM beclown themselves, and this last month has been a banner year for that!   From their softball questions to the sleepwalking Joe Biden (“What does our fake story about Trump hating the military tell you about his soul?) to their cartoonish animus against Trump, these so-called reporters couldn’t look any more like emperors without clothes if they were a Kardashian with a sex tape on the hard drive and a dwindling bank account.

My favorite recent example was the early coverage of the shooting of Jacob Blake.  They mentioned that he was shot in the back by a white cop several million times.  Which left no time in their reports to mention that he was a convicted felon and sex offender, caught by cops responding to a black woman’s call reporting that he had just assaulted her – AGAIN! – and that he was going for a knife in the car.

Which brings me to my favorite Delusional MSM Transparent Lie of the Year.

Move over, “George Zimmerman is a white Hispanic.”  Step aside, “Trump called neo-Nazis ‘good people.”  Out of the way, “Kamala Harris is a pragmatic moderate.”  Get out of town, “Never mind the raging inferno behind me: these protests are mostly peaceful.”

Make way for our new leader in the clubhouse, brought to us by the creepy liars at the Milwaukee Journal, who initially reported that Saint Jacob was unarmed when the racist cops shot him for no reason.  When it came out that Blake in fact had a knife – either on him, or in the car that he was struggling to get into – they were forced to grudgingly mention the knife. 

But they said, and I quote, “He was otherwise unarmed.” 

Beautiful!  Hey J-school grads, you know who else had a knife but was otherwise unarmed?  Jack the friending Ripper, that’s who!  (Cue Victorian Sam Kinison:  “OH! OHHHH!”)  And despite his barely being armed, all of his first dates with those Dickensian hookers ended pretty badly.

And remember when a sweaty, oiled-up Rambo faced all of those Viet Cong with that machine gun?  Do you think that those dying commies would be comforted if some leftist moron from the Ho Chi Minh Post held their dying hands and said, “Just remember that, if you can overlook that belt-fed weapon of his, Rambo was otherwise unarmed.” 

No.  They would have said whatever is Vietnamese for, “Are you friending kidding me?  My thorax is perforated, and I can’t feel my feet.  Also, I regret my commitment to progressive, slave-state socialism.”

“Now lean close enough to me so that I can pretend to say my last words, but then try to bite through your jugular and kill you for saying such an idiotic thing!”  (Cue Vietnamese Sam Kinison:  “WO!  WOOOOOOOHH!”) (Yes, I’m assuming that in Vietnamese, an “OH” sounds like a “WO,” for some reason.)

“Otherwise unarmed!!”  How can they not see how stupid they look, writing that? 

They will stop at NOTHING to advance their ridiculous narrative. 

If a gangbanger comes out of a crack house to confront cops holding two six shooters like Yosemite X, they would write, “Yeah, but he didn’t have a ka-bar knife clenched in his teeth, so how armed was he, really?”

If his cousin, Buffalo Rayshard stepped out beside him, with two revolvers in his hands and a ka-bar between his teeth, they would write, “Okay, so he had a couple of Colts and a ka-bar.  But he didn’t have a four-pointed Balinese throwing star between his toes.”

And then if his nephew Trayvon Wesley Harding duckwalked barefoot out behind them, carrying pistols and a ka-bar and toe-grip Balinese throwing stars, they’d write, “Okay.  Maybe the cops were justified in using pepper spray.” 

We see you, idiots!  And we’ll never believe another word you say!   

Avenatti/ Yosemite X 2020!

This is a very busy time of year for me, and between quarantine, watching oh-so-peaceful rioters trying to burn half our cities down, and the very real possibility that the late Joe Biden might be our next president, I’ve been a little stressed. 

And when I get stressed, I’ve found that several activities help.  Prayer is great.  Yelling at the television if it accidentally lands on anything other than HGTV or the History channel is good.  Walking Cassie the Wonder Dog is pretty therapeutic.  And let’s not overlook the medicinal properties of Scotch.  Sweet, sweet Scotch. 

So last night, after saying my prayers and walking Cassie – I paused outside a house where I could see cute little guy Rachel Maddow on the screen to yell, “Hey, watching that is going to cost you IQ points that you probably can’t afford to lose!” — I settled down back at home with a glass of purely medicinal Scotch, and took a quick look at Cautious Optimism, to see what the smart people on the internet are saying.

The CO site, as usual, was a font of wisdom.  Lots of good stories, loads of insightful commentary, CO wisely praising Trump for moving against the Feds wasting tax money on the racist scam that is Critical Race Theory by mentioning that Trump’s ancestors evidently came from Gonadistan.   Good stuff.  

By the way, I’ve got an easy solution that would fix all of our race problems, and without lighting mountains of cash on fire and dancing around them chanting, “Kill all whites except for the Dem nominee for president!”  Which seems to be Plan A right now.

Call all federal employees into one huge Zoom meeting, and put the following three bullet points on a Powerpoint slide:  1. All Lives Matter.  2. Judge people on the content of their character, not the color of their skin.  3. Treat everyone like you want to be treated.

There you go.  No need to spend hundreds of millions of dollars and employ otherwise unemployable racial arsonist bureaucratic hacks.   

Just adhere to a little common sense, a few wise words from MLK, and a central teaching of Uncle Jesus that has stood the test of time in cultures all over the world  (there’s a reason it’s not called “the Tinfoil Rule,” people), and most of the problems in our society would diminish as far as they can, in a society filled with flawed humans.  

So now that I’ve solved the problems of racial conflict, I’ll move on to a little segment I’m calling “Schadenfraude Sunday!”  This is my attempt to find some silver linings among all of the dark clouds that are besetting our country right now.

Out of sensitivity to our ongoing racial troubles, my examples today are going to be Caucasian-heavy.  And you can’t get more Caucasian than to start with a couple of redheads behaving badly.     

Redhead #1 is a little darling named Clara Kraebber.   Sure, she’s got the name of a Nazi concentration camp guard, but she is actually the offspring of a couple of lefty elites in NYC.  Mom and dad are multimillionaire academics with a ritzy house in Connecticut and a fashionable address in NYC.  (Though that address is probably less fashionable now that groundhog-murderer DiBlasio is hard at work turning the city into an unlivable hell-hole.) 

Somehow she was never taught right from wrong, and so she was caught and arrested yesterday as part of a leftist mob of peaceful BLM rioters who were destroying Manhattan buildings in a peacefully violent rampage.

Or was that a violently peaceful rampage?  Or a rampage that began peacefully, and then intensified into murderous violence?  It’s hard to keep my terminology straight, without giant dishonest human thumb Brian Stelter here to instruct me.

So here’s your chance to live up to your principles, super-white terrible parents, and reject your white privilege.  Let little Clara get a public defender, earn the conviction she deserves, and spend a decade or so with her fellow Marxist co-religionists in the Big House, contemplating the error of her ways.

Redhead #2 is a fellow named Matthew Banta, who apparently has no more testosterone than Clara Kraebber.  He was supposed to be a real tough guy, going by the nom de guerre “Commander Red,” and having been arrested and charged with a variety of weapons violations and general arse-holery in previous riots.

Well, Commander Pinko jumped bail on those charges and made his way to Green Bay, where on August 31^st he was leading some troops into what they thought would be their favorite kind of fracas: assaulting a bunch of senior citizens in MAGA hats and ladies having tea in sidewalk cafes.  And if you know anything about taking on some non-violent senior citizens, you know that you’ve got to come heavy!

Which is why Banta was armed with, among other things, a flame thrower. 

I am not friending with you.  That bad mother-friender had a friending flame thrower!

So when his band of revolutionary bad arses came across a group of police, instead of the anticipated group of octogenarians bussed in from the Senior Center, what do you think Big Boy Banta did?

1. Hit the cops with molten fire, like DiCaprio in the war movie scene in “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood?”
2. Drop the flamethrower, pull out two six shooters and go down in a heroic Bonnie and Clyde-style gunfight, screaming, “Top of World, ma!”

If you picked either of those options, you are wrong.  Because Captain Antifa actually chose…

C: He curled up in a fetal position and cried, like the Cry Bully he is.

I am not making that up.  Read the news accounts, and behold his booking picture, in which he rocks less of a beard and mustache than I was able to grow at age 12, and even less pigment than beard.

If Matthew Banta could somehow impregnate Clara Kraebber, their child would be almost as white as Grandma Squanto!  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

In other peaceful rioter news, the creep who murdered the Trump supporter in Portland last week was cornered by the cops on Thursday.  He at least proved that he had more stones than Matthew Banta – I know what you’re thinking: Uma Thurman has more stones than Matthew Banta – and shot it out with the cops, getting his well-deserved fatal dose of lead poisoning.

Though the story of the murder he committed was really tragic, even that dark story was instructive.  Right after the killing, some leftist jerks on twitter claimed that the dead man was an Antifa martyr, killed by a right-wing fascist.

Then, when it turned out to be the opposite, one of the peaceful nihilists took to a bullhorn in front of a crowd and gloated about the murder, calling it, “taking out the trash.” 

Other riot-sympathizers, realizing that celebrating murder might not be a good look to the deplorables you’re trying to trick into voting for you, tried to disassociate themselves from the killer:

Leftist Spokes-creep:  “Let’s not rush to judgment.  We don’t even know if the killer is affiliated with Antifa.”

The Internet:  Here’s a screen shot of his social media accounts, with “100% Antifa” emblazoned on them.

LSC: “Crap.  Okay, but he has nothing to do with BLM.”

The Internet: Have a look at this picture of him, with a giant BLM raised-fist tattoo on his evil neck.

LSC:  “Ummm…. Racism?”

Story #4:   You may remember the feel-good story from late May, when a peaceful rioter with a Molotov cocktail in Fayetteville NC managed to set himself on fire, causing good people everywhere to gasp, and then say, “HA! HAHA!  HAHAHA!!!”

Well, yesterday in Portland – as part of a life-affirming celebration of the 100^th consecutive day of rioting – another peaceful leftist rioter demonstrated the “throw like a girl” technique (no offense to actual women, nearly all of whom I am quite sure could throw better than this guy.) (Even the thug who got most of his right arm blown off in Kenosha last week could probably throw better than this guy.) (Which reminds me: HA!)

The result: he actually embodied the old line about anarchist America-haters: he became a “liar, liar, sweatpants on fire.”

You’ve got to have a heart of stone to watch that video and not laugh.  Because it turns out that “Stop, drop, and shriek like a bee-yotch” is actually surprisingly ineffective when you’ve demonstrated how offended by racism you are by lighting your clumsy self on fire.

What is it with young leftists and fire?  You’d think that after years of burning American flags, they’d be able to make a flamethrower work, or know how to throw a Molotov cocktail, wouldn’t you?

I realize that this column is getting long – the most consistent criticism I get is that my pieces are too long! – so I’ll end with this one, and maybe post a part 2 in a couple of days.

As my wife was watching some horse-racing stuff on tv before the Kentucky Derby, I caught the name of one of the horses: NY Traffic. 

I’m not a huge fan of horse racing, but horses are obviously magnificent animals – watching horses or a herd of horses in a race or cavalry charge seems to me to be another proof of the existence of God – and I’ve always enjoyed the odd and whimsical names that owners give their race horses.

But “NY Traffic” – a perennial complaint of city dwellers – stood out as really unusual.  Who names a horse after an urban irritation? 

Then I daydreamed about what it would be like – after this summer of our discontent – to hear a race being called, in which all of the horses were realistically named after the miserable failings of our leftist-run cities?    

“NY Traffic, Torched Business District, Covid Schmovid and Piles of Human Waste are neck and neck on the inside.  Homeless Encampment makes a move on the outside, but the jockey on Mounds of Used Syringes is going to the whip!” 

“On the backstretch, Capital Flight and Nihilistic Slogans are making up ground!” 

As they enter the final stretch,  it looks like it’s going to come down to Torched Business District and Nihilistic Slogans—”   

“No, wait!  Mindless Violence is streaking by on the outside, like someone took a flamethrower to him!  It’s Mindless Violence in a photo finish, followed by Torched Business District, Nihilistic Slogans and Capital Flight.”

“If you’ve still got your betting sheet, remember that Patriotic Pride and Sane Tax Policy were scratched before the race began.”

And, scene.

Avenatti/ Johnny Human Torch Rioter 2020!