Category: Uncategorized

I’m about to make a trip up north, to see my mom in TN, and then to hang with some cousins and see some leaves changing in IL.  So I thought I’d post a few random thoughts before I go:

In the last two weeks, Joe Biden has done the following: said that he’s “a proud Democrat running for the Senate,” forgotten Mitt Romney’s name, and forgot what state he was in.  He said that he got his start at a historically black college, and also spent a lot of Sundays in a black church when he was a teenager.  He also said that the American voters “don’t deserve to know” whether he’s going to pack the Supreme Court if he gets elected.  (Spoiler alert: he is definitely going to pack the court if he gets elected.)

On the upside, he didn’t say that the long-dead Tupac is his favorite living rapper, or that he fondly remembers when his job training involved sneaking around and snuggling with creepy old married Willie Brown.  (If by “snuggling” you mean… something much more terrible than snuggling.)

So he’s got that going for him.

If they hadn’t already won the Lifetime Achievement Award for Orwellian Scheisse-Shoveling, I would nominate the Dems and MSM (but I repeat myself)  for this year’s award in that category.  Their offense against common sense and clear language this time?  Redefining what it means to “pack the court.”

For the last several centuries, every sentient mammal in Christendom has understood “packing the court” to refer to what happens when a president who can’t get his way legislatively or judicially arbitrarily adds a bunch of judges to a court that has had 9 members on it since Nancy Pelosi was a young lass, in the early 19^th century.  (See, “FDR,” and look for the entry right before “packing the internment camps with innocent Japanese Americans”.)

Now that the late Joe Biden wants to do that next year — if a wrathful God allows him to be elected, to punish us for our sins – the MSM must run cover for his sleazy behavior.  So the memo went out: starting now, we’re going to say that “packing the court” no longer means packing the court.  Now it means filling all judicial vacancies by means of nominating and confirming judges for those vacancies, the way the Founding Fathers set out for us in the constitution.” 

Got that?  Getting elected, and then doing what the constitution says you are supposed to do when you are elected, is now “packing the court.”  In the same sense that the Jordan-era Bulls “packed the win/loss record” by winning many, many basketball games.  Like they were supposed to.

My favorite arschaffen of the group was Dem senatorial candidate from Montana Steve Bollocks, who during a debate said that he’d support packing the court as a way to “depoliticize” it.  Because nothing says “let’s get the politics out of this” like changing the rules to benefit your political party, after playing by the rules has resulted in your losing!

Sorry, that’s Bullock.  Steve Bullock. 

I watched about 8 minutes of Richard “everybody secretly calls him Dick” Blumenthal questioning ACB, and holy moly!  That guy’s SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) is off the charts, and I’m always going to respect ACB just for not leaping across the room and pummeling his bad-faith-question-asking-posterior from here to Sunday. 

Also, the spectacle of someone like Dick Bloom (as I’m assuming he was called back when he perennially had the lowest GPA in the frat house) trying to interrogate and match wits with the estimable ACB was a sight to behold.  If there has ever been an IQ gap that large in one room, I’ll eat my Martacus-style Roman helmet. 

Do you remember the musk ox with a learning disability whom I mentioned in my last column?  Well watching ACB try to explain even the basics of constitutional law to the Dickster was like watching Einstein trying to explain relativity to that musk ox’s slower buddy, the furry highland cow who just emerged from the concussion protocol tent.  

Yes, the furry highland cow is a real animal.  Here’s a picture of one.  Now try to imagine explaining Marbury vs. Madison to him, and you’ll have some idea of what ACB had to endure.  

By the way, my favorite moment of ACB goodness was when John Cornyn mentioned that all of the empty-suit Senate interrogators have notebooks filled with prepared facts and questions, and he asked her what documents she had to refer to.  ACB held up a small notepad to the camera, smiling.  Cornyn said, “Is there anything on it?”

And she said, “The letterhead that says, ‘United States Senate.’”

Cut to Crazy Mazie Hirono looking surprised, because she had used her US Senate note pad as toilet-paper, and then to wipe the rabies foam from the corners of her mouth.  In that order.

Meanwhile, Dick Blumenthal surreptitiously crossed both arms over his briefing book, which contained pages of crayon drawings of Frankenstein and Godzilla fighting Batman. 

A CSPAN camera caught the piece of paper on top of his book.  It contained a stick figure labeled, “You,” and 12 single-word thought bubbles that together made this sentence: “Ask mean lady why she wants to force ladies to have babies.”

God bless ACB, and I wish her many happy decades on the Supreme Court!

Now I’m going to hit the roads of this beautiful country, and listen to some books on cd and some podcasts while I drive toward cooler temperatures and changing scenery.  I’m going to visit with some amazing family members – along with one Biden-voting cousin (someone’s got to be the musk ox at the garden party!) whom I dearly love anyway – and I’m going to watch some football and walk through some autumn woods and enjoy God’s creation. 

Please don’t let everything fall apart while I’m gone!

Avenatti/Frequently-concussed Furry Highland Cow 2020!

The debate itself was pretty clearly a blow-out, unless you are an in-the-tank CNN commentator.  If it were a fight, they’d have stopped it.   

Pence was calm and controlled, and he gave substantive, fact-filled answers.  When Comma-la said something untrue – her tell is that she either inhales or exhales right before or after lying — he corrected it with as little vitriol as possible, but forcefully. 

He was a rhetorical fencer, compared to Trump, who was a rampaging Viking, hopped up on mead, and swinging a battle axe in one hand and a broadsword in the other.

A marauding Viking is a lot more fun and satisfying to watch, if you’re a pro-Viking partisan.  But the persuadable non-partisans are who we need to get, and they’re put off by battle axes.  (Insert your own Hillary joke here.)  I think Pence’s fencing is much more palatable for middle-of-the-road voters, to the extent that there are any of them left.

I found myself thinking that I’d like our candidate to be 70% Pence, and 30% Trump.  Trump is definitely the essential element – we need a bare-knuckle brawler who won’t try to appease the MSM and Dems (but I repeat myself), like every GOP candidate since Reagan.  But his flaws are the sort that turns off enough of the electorate and endangers his chances of getting re-elected, maybe fatally so.  (I so hope and pray that I’m wrong about that!) 

But the media coverage of the debate was an actual outrage, if any of us were still capable of being outraged at our laughably corrupt and incompetent MSM. 

Playing the gender card is almost as tired as playing the race card now, but that wasn’t going to stop Comma-la and her MSM support team from going all in on the “I’m a strong, strong woman… but the mild-mannered man was mean to me,” gambit.

I love the left’s gender double standards.  I’m sure you’ve heard the old line that, “If a man is aggressive he’s a strong person, but if a woman is aggressive, she’s a b**ch.” I think we must admit that there’s some truth to that, because many people (including many female people, I should point out) don’t react well to a super-assertive woman. 

On the other hand, you may have noticed that Trump’s personal style is pretty unpopular with a huge part of the population for the same reason, so it’s not like this is a cross that only females have to bear.

You might also notice that most conservatives appreciate a lot of very strong women very much: Thatcher, Golda Meir, Phyllis Schlafly, Kylie McEnany, many of our wives and mothers and daughters, etc.  So your stereotype is invalid.

But consider the double-standard the left applied to Mike Pence.  In last week’s column, I pointed out that the left claims to hate Trump for all of his crudeness, ego and aggression… yet they hate Pence too, even though he’s Trump’s polar opposite in personality.

It’s almost like the left just hates conservatives, no matter what flavor they come in!

Take leftist pseudo-journalist Nicolle Wallace, whose brilliant commentary on the debate included her assessment that “Pence appeared flaccid and anemic” and that he looked “limp and lame.”

You’re probably no Freudian psychologist.  But do you need to be one, to perceive that this little charmer might be missing something in her life?  And no, it’s not just a higher IQ.  (But yes, that too.)

(Speaking of Freud, the smartest thing he ever said was, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”  Unless Bill Clinton has it, and you’re a 22 year old intern spending time with him in the oval office. In which case, run for your life!) (And don’t turn your back on him.  Or your front either, I guess.) (Just RUN!) 

Can you imagine the outrage if someone applied the same kind of slimy insinuations to Nicolle Wallace?  If, for example, someone noted that she’s probably had a lot of life experience with “flaccid, limp and lame?”  But you’re never going to hear that kind of talk on the MSM — unless it is aimed at conservatives — because the only lefty standards are double standards.  They don’t flinch at hitting below the belt, and no blow is too low for them.

Speaking of which, Comma-la got her start in politics a long time ago — Yes, I went there! — and she has apparently learned nothing in the intervening decades.  Because she really had nothing substantive to say the entire night.  While Pence was giving concrete answers (we’ve got 5 companies working on vaccines, the first of which will be ready within a year of the pandemic’s onset, unemployment rates were record lows, etc.), she had an insulting mix of glittering but hollow banalities and outright lies.

Every politician routinely shades the truth and spins stories in the most advantageous way for them.  But when a candidate for high office can tell the kind of cartoonishly obvious lies that Comma-la told, it’s a devastating indictment of our media.

She rolled out the “Trump called white nationalists ‘good people on both sides’ line.  (It’s on video, you idiots: literally seconds later he said, “And I’m not talking about the white nationalists and neo-nazis, who should be condemned completely.”)  He didn’t call the virus a hoax, he called Dems’ treatment of it a hoax.  He has condemned white supremacists literally dozens of times, including (although clumsily) when Chris Wallace asked him to do it AGAIN.

On the other hand Comma-la and Joe have both promised – on video! — to ban fracking, and their official websites say they support the Green New Deal.  But she can look straight in the camera and lie about it, with nary a ripple.

Even worse was than her “lady of color speaks with forked tongue” tendency (#wemustneverstopmockinggrandmasquanto), was her obnoxiously simplistic talking down to people.  When she was trying to smear Trump because he is a real estate investor with mortgage balances, she said that he “owes and is in debt for $400 million.”

Then she turned toward the camera with the air of someone about to explain quantum physics to a musk ox with a learning disability, and said these words, which I swear I am not making up: “Just so everyone is clear, when we say in debt, it means you owe money to somebody.”

Whoa, whoa – slow down there, Poindexter!  Let me get my calculator and green eyes shades.  You’re saying that “debt” means money that you owe? 

Get me my contact at the Wall Street Journal, because I am going to break this story WIDE OPEN!

Almost unbelievably, Harris was even worse when she was ham-handedly dodging questions. 

Here’s a tip: When someone asks you repeatedly if you are going to pack the Supreme Court, and you avoid answering it, and the person repeats it one more time: “Would you please answer the question: IF ACB gets confirmed, are you and Joe Biden going to pack the Supreme Court to get your way?  

Your answer should NOT begin, “Let’s take a look at history.  In 1864…”

I would have gone full Kinison on her:  “NOOOO!  We can talk about 1864 until 2064, but right now you are running for office!  Will you pack the court or not?! SAY IT! SAY IT!!!”

What Mike Pence said – because he’s a courtly gentleman, unlike me – was “I’d like you to answer the question.”

And Mrs. Empty-skirt Smirkster said, “I’m speaking… I’m speaking…”

Ugh.  Never has the old political cliche been more true: anyone who votes for Joe and Comma-la should get what they asked for.  Good and hard!    

Rather than end on that grim note, I thought I’d mention two hilarious stories of ineducable leftists running their cities into the ground.

You may remember Portland mayor Ted Wheeler from when he encouraged a mob of peaceful leftist thug rioters to destroy his town, and then let them force him to slink away in shame after he tried to tell them how much he admired what they stood for, and then let them force him to move out of his luxury building because they threatened to burn it down if he stayed there.

So when I saw that Wheeler is trailing in his re-election bid, I thought to myself, “Maybe there’s hope for Portland yet.”  I know that they weren’t likely to elect a conservative, but I thought that at least there might still be some old fashioned, patriotic, blue-collar Dems around to vote in someone who is not clinically insane. 

But of course I was wrong.  Because the leading candidate is a piece of work called Sarah Iannarone, a charming little radical and self-described antifa-supporter – yeah, let that sink in — who wants to reduce the budget for the police.  Also, her campaign manager admits that he is a communist.  And yes, she wore a skirt to a rally that had pictures of leftist murderers Stalin, Mao and Che Guevara on it.

(If you are wondering why international socialist murderers have been given a pass, while national socialist murderers – pikers compared to Stalin and Mao in terms of victim body count —  are beyond the pale, I wonder that too.  Wear a Mao or Che shirt to the next arson-fest and you’ll get nods of approval.  But show up in an “I heart Himmler” shirt and everyone will give you the stink eye.  It doesn’t make sense!)

You’d think that no American city could out-do Portland in leftist, mouth-breathing malevolence.  But then Seattle says, “Hold my bong, and watch this.”

The Seattle city council recently voted to cut police funding this year by $3 million, eliminating as many as 100 cops.  But don’t worry, residents of Seattle who may not want to be victimized by a mob of violent, recidivist Biden-voters.  Because the city council has your back.  They have been “re-imagining policing,” and have come up with a worthy replacement for all of those cops. 

His name is Andre Taylor, and he is a recognized leader in his field.  In fact, he was featured in a documentary a few years back.  Was it a documentary on community policing, or maybe one on the “broken windows theory” of crime prevention?

It was not.  It was a little production called – I scheisse you not – “American Pimp.”  Because Andre Taylor is a pimp.  And Seattle has hired him for a salary of $150K a year to bring to Seattle residents some “alternatives to policing.”

That’s the left, people.  They elect America-hating loons, who then let armies of thugs vandalize and burn and loot their cities.  Then, when the air is filled with smoke and the streets are filled with rubble, they hire a pimp to fix things.

Andre Taylor’s hookers are exploited and desperate victims, and they deserve our sympathy and help.

But the voters of Portland and Seattle have done this to themselves, and they deserve to get what they asked for the same way Andre Taylor’s victims did: good and hard!

Avenatti/Musk Ox with a Learning Disability 2020!

When I last checked in on the NBA, Game 2 of the Finals had set record low ratings.  And Americans who love their country had laughed heartily at the anti-white racist incompetents who run that league, and said, “You can’t get much lower ratings than that!   USA! USA!”

And the mensa members who own and play in the NBA said, “Hold my Tsingtao and watch this.”

Wait a minute.  I’m just getting a report in on my non-existent earpiece — which you wouldn’t be able to see even if it did exist, because this is a written column and not a broadcast – with breaking news from the NBA:  after getting the worst ratings ever in Game 2, the Game 3 numbers set a new record, losing another 105,000 viewers.

And now I will read the next screen from my non-existent teleprompter: HA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

At this point I’m hoping that the series goes to 7 games, just to see how few people will still be around by the last game.  I’m guessing half of each players’ family members, and a small group of degenerate gamblers who will go double-or-nothing on Game 7 after a close loss on a Canadian curling match featuring Calgary vs. Saskatchewan.

Fun fact: the home crowd for Saskatchewan’s game – Go, Colorless Ice Brushers! – was nearly as white as Elizabeth Warren.  #wemustneverstopmockingher

A Breitbart story on the debacle has this salt-in-the-wound commentary:  “Mind you, this is a nearly 70% decline from last year’s Finals numbers which included a team from Canada. Not only that, unlike this year’s audience, last year’s audience was not on lockdown and did not include the game’s best player, LeBron James.”

I swear to you, I wrote the curling joke before I learned that a Canadian team was in last year’s finals.  (I haven’t been a big NBA fan since Jordan retired.)  Also, how can a Canadian team be called the “raptors,” which may be the least Canadian creature I can think of?!

The Daily Beast reports that Comma-la is going to attack Pence tonight on at least two grounds: the administration’s supposed failure on covid, and his homophobia.  Both of those charges are bad faith arguments – which by this point the elite left should have a copyright on.

The data on covid transmissions and death do not support any of the bomb-throwing accusations of the left.  In terms of death rates, the US ranks slightly below the average of the aggregate death rates of EU nations and Europe overall, but the way the left tells it, Trump has been uniquely terrible on responding to a pandemic that so far no one in the world has found a great way to deal with.

With the possible exception of Sweden. 

Inconveniently for the left, the Swedes have succeeded by doing what the GOP governors and Trump (to the extent that he has preached anything consistently) has said that we should do: protect the especially vulnerable, but don’t shut down your country and destroy your economy. 

A recent NR article showed graphs of the covid case and death rates in 13 US states, and they are all remarkably similar.  The deep blue, lock-down-at-all-costs states have had just about the same results as the red states – with the exception of those with idiot Dem governors who forced sick people back into nursing homes – which suggests that the economic devastation in those blue states has all been for naught.

The homophobia charge is equally specious.  Pence hasn’t made any homophobic speeches or pursued any homophobic policies, so this charge mostly comes down to, “We hate him because he’s an icky Christian.”

Has anyone else noticed the hypocritical irony on the left’s attitude toward sex in politics?  They hate Trump because he has been too open about really liking hot women, and they hate Pence because he has not been enthusiastic enough about liking hot men.  Also, they’ve got no problem with raping your subordinates (either with cigars or fingers, or – presumably – the old fashioned way) if you’re a Dem, but Pence is super evil because he doesn’t want to be alone in a room with a female to avoid the appearance of scandal. 

Anyway, I think Pence proves a consistent point about the national left’s hypocrisy for my entire lifetime.  They claim to hate the current GOP candidate because of his manifest flaws alone, while giving lip service to valuing a debate, and not being opposed to political disagreement.

This claim can at least seem logical when it comes to Trump; he has big flaws, and is everything they hate in a person, and so their claim that he is uniquely horrible rings true, from their point of view.

Until you consider that they equally hate every other GOP person of consequence. 

They claim to hate Trump because of his obnoxious ego and aggressiveness and uncontrolled appetites… but they also hate Pence, who is his polar opposite.  Where Trump jumps from wife to wife, Pence has not.   Where Trump is loud, Pence has been so quiet that after being the VP for almost four years, none of us could confidently recoqnize his voice in an aural line-up.  Where Trump is boisterous and undisciplined and gauche, Pence is controlled and sober and prudent.

They hate his guts anyway. 

They hated Reagan too, although now they compare every GOP candidate unfavorably to him.  They hated Bush 41 and Bush 43, but now they call the former a statesman, and the latter a non-Hitlerian fellow, contrary to their spittle-flecked arguments from 2000-2008.   McCain is now a noble victim, but in 2008 he was a mentally deranged wife-abandoner.  Romney is their favorite cuddly RINO, but in 2012 he was a homophobic dog-abuser who kept women in binders, or something. 

It sounds like Comma-la is going to add another chapter to their laughably dishonest hypocrisy tonight. 

But let me give Pence a bit of advice.  If the moderator asks you who your favorite living rapper is, don’t say Tupac.  Because he died a quarter century ago, and that answer will make you look like an idiot.

Instead, say Jay-Z.  And then say that you’ve got 99 problems, but Comma-la ain’t one.

I know that you don’t know what that means, but it will be funny.

Avenatti/LeBron 2020!

Here, in no particular order, are some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately.

First, you stay classy, leftist hate-mongers. 

If there are still any undecided voters out there – and great googly moogly, what does it take to make up your mind when the choices are this stark, for good and bad?! – I think it’s been instructive to watch the compassionate left’s reaction to Trump’s getting Covid. 

I understand it: we all love us some schadenfreude.  I’ve enjoyed watching Imhotep Pelosi getting some scheisse for traipsing mask-less through a salon after lecturing us about how not wearing a mask makes you a selfish pig.

I’ve enjoyed watching Cankles McPantsuit getting caught with her hoof in the Russian cookie jar after accusing Trump of colluding with the Russians with whom she was actually colluding. 

I’ve even celebrated the death of a few people.  The terrorist masterminds whom Trump took out with a drone in Iran, for example, and the antifa terrorists who tried to kill Kyle Rittenhouse and got righteously shot when it turned out that rifle beats skateboard. 

I’ve also made some jokes about some folks after their deaths, most recently RBG.   Were those jokes tasteless?  You can decide.  (Spoiler alert: no.) But they were jokes.

If you’ve seen any video or read any tweets from our leftist pols and celebrity “betters” lately, one thing is clear: these creeps ain’t joking.  They’re going full Hannibal Lecter, spewing hatred and bile, and they are dead serious. 

I hope the electorate is watching.

Second, I’m looking forward to Comma-la’s VP debate.  She has been flying under the radar in terms of how much she’s been hiding from the press, if only because no presidential candidate has ever hidden as much as Biden has been doing.   

And she has good reason to hide.  Because she is a terrible candidate.  I think people have forgotten what an early front runner in the Dem primaries she was, and we on the right under-estimate what a colossal feat it was for her to flame out so ignominiously.

Because we’re not a racist, identity-politics-obsessed mob like the far-left Dem base, we don’t appreciate the importance they place on which genitalia and skin color a candidate has.  But Comma-la was the only two-fer in the primaries. 

Pastor Pete had the gay, which was cancelled out by the white and male.  Spartacus had the black, which was cancelled out by the male and room-temperature IQ.  Bernie had the Jewish, but they don’t care for that particular minority on the left.  Marianne Williamson had the bat-guano looniness… but they all do.

Grandma Squanto had the female and the abrasiveness, but no amount of buckskin dresses and “crab a la Cherokee” recipes could disguise her blinding whiteness.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But Comma-la had the femaleness and the quasi-blackness.  And she rode those enormous advantages to the dizzying heights of 7% in her home state’s Democrat primary polls, before dropping out. 

She wasn’t even able to convincingly play the race card against Joey Gaffes, the most colorless candidate since Edgar Winter ran for the Ontario school board.  (That little girl?  The one who made even leftists groan when she praised the universally hated practice of racialist bussing?  That little girl was Comma-la.)

And she hasn’t gotten any smarter.  A couple of weeks ago she had a softball interview during which she was asked questions that you would think were un-muffable.  And she muffed the hell out of them!

She kept referring to the late Supreme Court justice as “the notorious BIG.”  (Even I know that Biggie was a 300-pound black man, whom you wouldn’t think you could confuse with a 90-pound Jewish lady with the posture of a jumbo shrimp.) And when asked who her favorite living rapper is, she picked Tupac Shakur. 

Who died 24 years ago!     

Because a CO fan who works undercover in the entertainment industry is a source of mine, I also know some of Comma-la’s answers that didn’t make print.

For example, when asked to name her favorite living Italian politician, she picked Julius Caesar.  Her favorite living German leader?  Frederick Barbarossa.  Her favorite living American politician?  Joe Biden.

So…yeah. 

Third, you’ve probably seen the video of the female Trump-hater in traffic, who – when she saw some Trump supporters waving signs on the side of the road – engaged them in a trenchant debate, making many thoughtful points that, in their own small way, enriched our political dialogue.

HA! I kid!  She flipped them off and screamed incoherently.  Then she stuck her head out the window and gave them the double-bird, snarling in rage. 

Hilariously enough, her foot slipped off the brake pedal, and her car jumped forward and rear-ended an SUV in front of her.  Then she flipped off that driver – because how dare someone sit in their car in an orderly manner in front of Princess Rationality von Self-Control? 

And then the cops who had been sitting in traffic several vehicles behind her, walked up to her car to explain that 3^rd degree D-baggery is actually a traffic offense in Texas.  

Reports that she is going to be one of the questioners during the confirmation hearings of the Glorious ACB are unconfirmed. 

Finally, the pigeons are coming home to roost for the America-hating goons in the NBA, and they are defecating all over the league’s profits. 

Game 1 of the NBA Finals last Wednesday featured two of the game’s most high-profile franchises (LA and Miami) and stars (LeBron and Anthony Davis).  And in a nation that is starved for sports after a months-long pandemic-induced sports drought, Game 1 drew only a 4.1 rating, and 7.4 million viewers, which was the lowest Finals game ratings since those ratings have been kept. 

To which the only compassionate response is HA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

The NBA brain trust who had thought it was a good idea to encourage their whitey-hating players to insult America and cops and apple pie – while also taking time out to rhetorically fellate the brutal dictators in communist China – thought to themselves, “Okay.  The deplorable fans needed to get their little hissy fit out of their system.  I’m sure they’ll be back for Game 2 on Friday.”

You don’t need me to tell you what happened on Friday.  But I’m going to anyway, because I can’t wipe this smile off of my face. 

The 7.4 million Wednesday viewers dropped to 4.5 million on Friday, and the ratings slid to a 1.9.

1.9!   

To give you an idea of how bad that is, Game 2 was beaten out by the Home Shopping Network — who was running a four-hour feature on Electric Toothbrushes from Around the World – and the South Korean amateur soccer contest between the Seoul Dragons and the Incheon Inscrutable Cellists.  And that was a regular season game – not even the playoffs!  (The smart money there is on the Busan Moe-Haircuts, for those of you who trust your favorite bookie, Uncle Martacus.)

On the bright side, Game 2 did manage to just edge the “Watching Paint Dry Network.”

But that might be because they had a re-run from July that featured three consecutive hours devoted to “Semi-gloss on exterior window trim in intermittent sunshine.”  (The closed captioning for that program read, “And here we see the semi-gloss – I think the color is “ivory,” or perhaps “bone” — which has just been applied with a natural-bristle, 2.5-inch angled sash brush…” followed by “zzzzzzz” for the next two hours and 58 minutes.)

Hey LeBron, let me get my #2 pencil and my spiral notebook, so I can record your thoughts about how outraged I should be when a career criminal sexually assaults a woman and fights with the cops until they have to shoot him.

And don’t forget to lock up the gym when you idiots are done!

Avenatti/ Trump-hating, Bird-Flipping Driver Harpie  2020!

Well, that was a pleasant debate, wasn’t it?

My short take is likely the same as yours:  everyone was pretty awful, but Chris Wallace was the worst.  

Trump played to his worst instincts – fighting on every single point, regardless of the significance of the point, which both watered down the effectiveness when he was on target, and was stylistically off-putting to most people.  Plus it kept Joe from talking more, which would have hurt his cause.

Because Biden was terrible too – nasty and dishonest and at least as boorish as Trump.  But he did manage to avoid the worst case scenario for him, which was to forget where he was, lose control of his bowels, refer to Trump as “Corn Pop,” and challenge Chris Wallace to a push-up contest. 

In which case the MSM would have said that he only narrowly won the debate

The consensus is that Wallace was horrendous, and I can’t disagree, because the template for being a good moderator is pretty clear.  Plan A is to be practically invisible: ask the questions and stay out of the way, so that the focus is on the candidates and their answers.

If that doesn’t work – and to be fair to Wallace, the relentless crosstalk and interruptions and omni-directional aggression of both candidates pretty much necessitated that the moderator take more control – then go to Plan B: take control, but do so by being scrupulously balanced in your pointed questions and rebukes to both candidates. 

This is where Wallace completely fornicated with the pooch.   He wasn’t a neutral referee but a partisan, which is inexcusable.  I’ll just point to two moments, because we’re already pretty tired of this.

Trump recently signed an executive order banning government agencies from wasting taxpayer money on Critical Race Theory training.  CRT is a collection of far-left, America-hating Marxist superstitions crossed with vicious anti-white racism, run by a small army of grifters and con-persons who ritually insult and debase white people because of their skin color, and encourage minorities to see themselves as victims.

It’s hard to over-state the awfulness of CRT, but to give you a taste, Hans Bader reported on a typical 3-day training session for white males conducted for Sandia National Laboratories, an important designer of America’s nuclear weapons.  Among other activities, the white males “were forced to recite publicly a series of statements” acknowledging and denouncing their white and male privilege.  “At the end of the training, the white males had to ‘write letters ‘directed to white women, people of color, and other groups’.”

These weren’t guys who had sexually assaulted interns, or forcibly sniffed the hair and digitally penetrated the bodies of helpless women within arms’ reach.  They were just average white guys, forced to waste three days that could have been spent perfecting weaponry to deter this country’s enemies, rather than being browbeaten by a bunch of bilious would-be Farrakhans.   

So when Wallace questioned Trump about his decision, how did he describe those Maoist shaming sessions?  He said, “Why did you decide to… end racial sensitivity training?”

How’s that for a euphemism?  Aren’t we all for racial sensitivity?  

I for one would love the chance to tell some racist leftists how insensitive I find it when they call my race and gender “toxic.”  I’m sure that Native Americans would love to tell Grandma Squanto how much it hurts their feelings when a terrible translucent harridan like her pretends to be one of them.  #wemustneverstopmockingher

The second example was when Wallace called on Trump to denounce white supremacists.  Trump actually did, but he was so clumsy in his phrasing that he came across as reluctant to do so. 

We’re all Monday morning QBs at heart, but that seemed like an easy one to handle more directly: “I’ve done so repeatedly over the last 4 years, and of course I’m happy to do so one more time.  I unequivocally denounce any white racists anywhere, as I’ve always done.  But since all the rioting and looting and arson over the last 6 months have been caused by leftist groups that Biden and Harris have not been able to denounce, could you now ask Biden to do the same about Antifa and BLM?”

When Trump correctly mocked Biden’s feeble “Antifa is an idea, not an organization” answer, Wallace played the role of Biden’s cut man, and ended the round before Biden could say anything even more stupid and damaging, if such a thing were possible.

Wallace also didn’t follow up on any of Biden’s obviously contradictory bloviating.  At one point Biden said, “The Green New Deal would pay for itself!”  Seven seconds later, Wallace said, “So you support the Green New Deal?” Biden said, “No!” 

And Wallace let him change the subject and wander away!  Ugh.

Having said all of that, let me turn to something that you can’t get elsewhere: an analysis of the debate that applies the awesome analytical power of the Simpson Face Punchability Index (SFPI™).

For those of you who have only recently discovered the CO site and my columns, I think the best way to explain the SFPI is to share my initial introduction of it, from a column I wrote in July of 2017:

“Human faces can elicit strong reactions.  We’ve all known some guy who gets in a lot of fights, not because of his actions, but because people just don’t like his natural expression.  And we’ve all known unfortunate women who have been stricken with the heartbreak of resting b**ch face.

I’ve taken those facts, and through a proprietary process of rigorous thought and research, arrived at the conclusion that all human faces can be assigned a punchability value on a scale of 1 (a face that even a sociopathically violent person would be disinclined to punch) to 10 (a face that even a Buddhist monk so committed to nonviolence that he goes out of his way to avoid stepping on a bug can barely restrain himself from punching.)

For example, I have a pretty low SFPI.  I’m not very attractive, but small children and animals are drawn to me, I always got along well with my girlfriends’ parents, and strangers regularly ask me for directions, even though I am never the least bit helpful with directions. 

On the other hand, thin-skinned, humorless leftists really REALLY want to punch me, so I can’t be a 1 or 2.  Thus, my SFPI is 2.5.

This is not a partisan issue, either.  Rush Limbaugh and Ted Cruz both have SFPIs of 8, while Trey Gowdy is an 8.5 – and I like all of them!  By contrast, NY Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, North Dakota Senator Heidi Heitkamp and actor John Cusack all are 2s, even though they all could objectively use a good pummeling.  Trump and Hillary are both 7.5s, which is what made the November contest so close.

Because I know you’re curious: the highest SFPI ever recorded was Harry Reid, with a 9.9.  If Gandhi and St. Francis were walking down a hallway and Dingy Harry were walking the other way, Gandhi would set him up with a left jab, and Francis would put him down with a right cross.  And Harry’s mom, if she were inexplicably still alive at age 125, would high-five both of them. (I think that that mysterious eye injury that Harry had during his last year in office came from his own fist, when he saw himself in the mirror and couldn’t avoid the sudden instinct to punch himself.)”

Okay, back to the present… and before I move on, I know you are all asking the same thing: how on earth can Hillary’s SFPI only be 7.5??!  It’s because she’s female, and males who were raised properly are hard-wired to never punch a lady. 

If she were male, she’d be up there in the 9.9 range.  Picture Hillary abrasively braying into the camera that time, saying, “YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF WHY I’M NOT AHEAD BY 50 POINTS!  CAW CAW!”

If she were a man, she’d never have made it past “asking yourself.”  Even the cameraman would have been unable to keep himself from stepping out and dropping her with an instinctive roundhouse.

Given that, it’s quite an accomplishment for any female to get over 5.5 or so.  For comparison, Crazy Mazie Hirono and Maxine Waters are both only in the mid 7s, and they need a good punching more than just about anybody.

Anyway, enough about the incredibly sophisticated science.

So how does the SFPI factor into the debate on Tuesday night? 

Simple.  Trump, as previously mentioned, has a SFPI of 7.5.  Biden is an interesting case.  When he was younger and healthier, his SFPI was 8.0. 

But – and here I am revealing another part of the proprietary calculations that go into shaping the awesomely accurate SFPI – it’s a scientific fact that age, frailty and mental infirmity reduce one’s SFPI. 

Consider a similar character to Biden.  Say, for example, a raving homeless man with shaving stubble, frighteningly white choppers, and horrendous hair plugs.  He’s on the sidewalk in front of your house muttering to himself:

“Look, here’s the deal: I’m Napoleon Bonaparte.  I was the top of my law class at a historically black college, and I can beat anybody in a push-up contest.   Wellington is a dog-faced pony Duke, and my son would never take up with his brother’s widow.  Get your facts straight, Jack!  Shut up, you clown!”

If he were young and fit and in his right mind, a guy like that couldn’t make it through a fortnight without multiple punchings.  He’d be trying to compare IQs with middle management at the company party, calling the receptionist “fatso,” and irking the CEO as he announced an ill-fated corporate merger by blurting, “This is a big friending deal, boss!” into a hot mike.

But now that he’s old and frail, and his mind is failing, his SFPI has dropped into the mid 6’s.  It feels like elder abuse even to shove him in front of a camera with a teleprompter to read.  So punching him seems out of the question. 

Still, if you just read the transcript, his SFPI is otherwise off the charts.

And Chris Wallace?  He should consider investing in an anti-punching vest and helmet.  Because that guy has a case of fourth-degree “backpfeifengesicht”. 

Thank you again, Germans!

Avenatti/Crazy Mazie  2020

Once upon a time, Supreme Court justice nominees were given the benefit of the doubt.  The assumption was that a president is entitled to the nominee of his choice, and Senate hearings were mostly geared to root out only unusually controversial or unqualified nominees – of whom there were not many.  Competence was sought, and it was considered unseemly to vote against someone solely based on Ideology.

But in recent years, as the SC has become a more and more powerful quasi-legislative branch, and a means for leftists to create laws that they could not otherwise get passed, every nomination becomes a life-or-death fight, and votes break down on party lines.  

The elite left has been largely responsible for the turn toward contentious, smear-job confirmation fights, the best examples being Bork, Thomas and Kavanaugh.  The latter circus left a terrible taste in the mouths of anybody outside of the hard left, so much so that it stiffened the spines of even the most RINO-y of the RINOs in the Senate. 

And now we come to the Glorious ACB.  I thought for a moment that she might escape the Kavanaugh treatment, for several reasons:

1. With the GOP seemingly having the votes to confirm her, and the timing so close to the election, rational Dems should see this as a lost cause and focus on winnable election issues.

2. She is actually a smart, disciplined lawyer, with no paper trail of outrageously controversial rulings that would justify an attack on the judicial merits.  (If there were such a thing, since the Senior Dirigible from Massachusetts slurred his way through his slimy attack on Bork.) (Mary Jo Kopechne was unavailable for comment.)

3. She doesn’t have any obvious character vulnerabilities.  She’s female, so no troubled, child-like harpie like Blasey-Ford can come forward and claim that she’s a rapist.  She’s married, and sober, with a great family and apparently no skeletons in the closet.

But I gave the hard left too much credit.  Because several slimy nematodes – and I mean no offense to the nematode-American community — have crawled out to attack ACB on the unlikeliest of grounds: her family’s adoption of two children from Haiti. 

That’s right.  She and her husband adopted two kids from Haiti.  And some on the left are crying … wait for it… RACISM!

Nematode #1 is a piece of work named Dana Houle, a self-described policy analyst and political consultant for Democrats.  (And by the way, after the performance of the national Dems over the last several decades, I’d suggest finding a more well-respected professional title than that.  Possibly something like “NAMBLA lobbyist,” or whatever job description was on Ghislaine Maxwell’s business cards.  “Personal assistant to an influential Democrat fundraiser who definitely did not kill himself,” maybe?)

So Dana slithered to his computer and started tweeting out nefarious-sounding rhetorical questions about whether anyone has investigated ACB’s adoption of two Haitian children, referring to how many Haitian adoptions are “unethical” and “maybe illegal.” 

What the hell is this moron talking about?  The only possible reason that adopting Haitian children could be “unethical” would be if it were done for sex trafficking purposes.  And ACB cannot be accused of doing that! 

(Besides, it’s not like a history of sexual exploitation would be a deal-breaker for the party of Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Anthony Weiner, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, et-freaking-cetera.)

Another lefty “journalist” named Christine Grimaldi – and never has “grim” been so aptly included in someone’s name – accused ACB of “weaponizing her white womanhood,” which sounds a little kinky, but most definitely is just deeply, deeply stupid.  She also accused ACB of “using her Black children and child with Down syndrome to score political points.” 

Think about that, the next time some pinch-mouthed socialist whines that conservatives lack compassion.   Because we’ll raise and love kids with Down syndrome, rather than compassionately aborting them, like Grimelda Grimsky, and some of us may even adopt Haitian kids, rather than compassionately exterminating them, like Planned Parenthood founder (Saint) Margaret Sanger. 

And no trifecta of hateful lefties would be complete without a whitey-hating racial arsonist/academic.  Enter Ibram X Kendi (the “X” is for “X-tremely vile), a “scholar” at Boston University’s Center for Antiracist Research. 

(And though I just now heard of this center for the first time, I already know enough about it – its stupid name, and that it hired Ibram X Kendi – to call for its immediate closing.  And possibly dynamiting, following by salting the site, so that no other center can ever grow there again.)

In a quote that proves both Kendi’s hateful nature and his inability to properly use scare quotes, he says, “Some White colonizers ‘adopted’ Black children. They ‘civilized’ these ‘savage’ children in the ‘superior’ ways of White people, while using them as props in their lifelong pictures of denial.” 

Not satisfied with excreting one of the worst quotes of this century, he follows up with this gem: “I’m challenging the idea that White parents of kids of color are inherently ‘not racist’.” 

Yes.  Because what better proof is there that a white family is deeply racist, than that they find black children in desperate need and save their lives.  And then inflict upon them such racist horrors as “healthy meals” and “clean clothing” and “decent medical care” and “safe shelter.” 

(THAT’s how you use sarcastic scare quotes, X-Box!)

You almost have to feel sorry for the lefties who are faced with the upcoming ACB hearings.  (I said “almost.”)  With an election so close that they can taste the opportunity to finally get rid of the Orange Menace, they are suddenly hit with this 11^th-hour confirmation nightmare, like a plague brought down upon their misshapen heads by a just and hilariously vengeful God.

One of my favorite writers was C.S. Lewis, and one of his best books was The Screwtape Letters, a fantasy piece featuring a senior demon giving instruction to a newbie demon on how to torment human subjects.  (If you haven’t read that yet, finish reading this column first.   Then consider hitting the Tip Jar at Martinsimpsonwriting.com.  But THEN run out and get a copy and read it immediately.)

While reading the truly evil sentiments above, I couldn’t help but think of Lewis’ demons, locked in their infernal strategizing.  So I imagined what it must be like to be a fly on the wall in a conference room filled with these kinds of demons, thinly disguised – oh, how thinly! — as far-left political consultants.

Political Consultant 1: Okay, the rumor is that Trump has a nominee. What do we know about her?

PC 2:  She’s a woman.

PC 1: Crap!  There goes the insanely unsubstantiated rape claims.

PC 3: But she’s white!

PC 1: Now you’re talking.  The race card is on the table!  How white is she?

PC 3: Almost as white as Elizabeth Warren.

Disembodied voice of Hilarious Reason:  #wemustneverstopmockingher

PC 1 (glowering): Who said that?!   (After no one will admit to it, he goes on.)  So she’s super white.  Did she marry a white guy, too?

PC 2: Yes.

PC 1: That’s good.  We can work with that.  “Why didn’t she marry a person of color?  Did she discriminate when she was dating?”  That sort of thing.  Do they have kids?

PC 3:  Yes, like 5.

PC 1: Five!?  What are they, Catholic or something?

PC 2:  Yes, in fact.

PC 1:  Ooh, that’s good.  Text Senator Palpatine from California.  “The dogma lives loudly in this one!”  She’ll know how to spin it.   Moving on, I bet the kids are all preppy-looking little private schoolers.  We can use that too: “Look at these perfect Stepford children!  They can’t know what it’s like to suffer in life.  They don’t have any problems, or any obstacles to overcome.”

PC 2:  Ummmm.

PC 1:  What is it? 

PC 2:  Well, the youngest kid… has Down syndrome.

PC 1 (snapping his pencil in anger): Mother-friender!  You have got to be scheiss-ing me! 

PC 3: Maybe we can use that, though.  We could suggest that they were selfish, bringing a kid like that into the world, as though his life mattered, and was worth living.

PC 2: That sounds risky.  What kind of shameless arschaffen would say that out loud, in public?

PC 1: Get that “journalist” on the payroll – Grim Reaper, something like that?

PC 3: Nice use of sarcastic scare quotes, boss!

PC 1: I know, right?  Okay, so we’ve countered the Down syndrome gambit.

PC 2:  Ummmm…

PC 1: What is it?

PC 2:  She and her husband also… adopted a couple of foreign kids.

PC 1: Schiff on a shingle!  Adoption too?  (thinks for a moment)  Okay, maybe we can spin this.  A couple of white nationalists like these, I’m sure they went to some lily-white country and picked out a couple of blonde, blue-eyed Hitler-youth types to carry on their Master Race.  Where did they get the junior Aryans from? 

PC 1 looks around the table, but nobody will meet his eyes.

PC 1:  Where?  Norway?  Sweden? Denmark? 

PC 2 (clearing his throat):  Haiti.

PC 1 (leaps up and throws his laptop against the wall): Are you friending kidding me?!  This is turning into a bottomless cluster friend! 

Everyone stares at the table, while PC 1 struggles to get control of himself, before flopping back into his chair.

PC 1: At least tell me that the Haitians were hot teenage girls, so we can start a smear campaign.

PC 2:  Ummmmm…

PC 1: If you tell me that they have Down syndrome too, I’m going to stick this friending pen right through your friending skull!

PC 2: No, no!  No Down syndrome.

PC 1:  Good!

PC 3: But the girl was 14 months old when they got her, and only 11 pounds, and in danger of never being able to walk normally again.

PC 1: And?

PC 3: Now she’s a track star.

PC 1 (throwing his coffee cup against the wall)  I swear to Marx, I will friending KILL YOU!  What about the other kid?  Let me guess, he’s got a heart murmur and a cleft palate, and he’s legally blind?!

PC 2: No he’s completely healthy as far as we know.

PC 1: Thank Alinsky for small favors!  Was he at least snatched away from a happy life in Haiti?

PC 4 (in a very small voice): He was adopted at age 3 after an earthquake destroyed his village.

PC 1:   NOOOOOO!  

(He leaps across the table and begins to strangle PC 4 by his necktie.)

And, scene.

Avenatti/ No-friend-y “X-Box” Kendi 2020!

This RBG replacement drama promises to be simultaneously horrifying and hilarious.

My first thought on hearing the news of her passing on 9/18 was, “But she had her whole life ahead of her!”

Too soon?  Fine.

My second thought was that the GOP should immediately ram through a nominee.  My third thought was that that might be pretty politically dicey, since the GOP just got done insisting that a SC opening in an election year should be held until after the election.  Of course the Dems are being exactly as hypocritical, since they were also arguing the opposite in 2016.  But the MSM will never point out the hypocrisy on both sides, obviously, so the GOP would take the hit alone.

But within a day I’d learned what you all already know by now about the pattern when it comes to election-year SC openings.  To wit, there have been 29 such openings over the years, and the result is that when the same party holds the WH and the senate, a nominee is almost always named and confirmed (17 of 19 times), but when opposite parties hold the senate and WH, a nominee is almost never pushed through (only 1 of 10 times). 

Which makes perfect sense in terms of rational human and political behavior: everyone is going to do what they can to advance their cause, especially when doing so is within the rules.      

In this case, the pattern shows us that Trump and the GOP are totally in keeping with past tradition/precedent in putting a nominee on the court now.  The Dems were arguing against that precedent in 2016 (trying to bully the other party into approving their party’s nominee), and are arguing against it again now (trying to intimidate the other party into NOT putting up and approving their own nominee). 

My favorite argument in the immediate aftermath of RBG’s death was made by the most consistently inane ex-bartender/arschaffen AOC, who said that Trump is the kind of mean man who won’t grant a poor old woman’s dying wish.  Because RBG’s death-bed wish was supposedly that Trump not nominate her replacement.     

That’s not the way our legal system works, Sweet Pea.  Otherwise, I could mention that Antonin Scalia’s dying wish was that he be replaced by a series of originalists who don’t just make stuff up on the bench.  So now future Democrat presidents (shudder) must appoint Scalia clones until the end of time.  You goof.

That story made me think of what I’d like my dying words to be, and so far, I have two options:

If I should die before my wife does, I’d like to beckon her closer with my withered, Pelosi-esque claw, and whisper feebly in her ear, “The $5 million is in a safe-deposit box in… ughhhhhhhh…”

If my wife dies first, and my daughters are at my deathbed, I want to say, “Your real father was actually… ugghhhhhhhh…”

Because I want to go out all hilarious like that. 

But when it comes to RBG’s supposed dying words, I hope that this story is just another partisan Dem lie.  Because it’s hard to think of anything sadder than someone, on the brink of meeting her Maker and facing eternity, still obsessed about petty politics.

And in RBG’s case it would be doubly sad, because her final years were practically a morality tale about the hollowness of politics, and the karmic butt-kicking awaiting those who make it the center of their lives.   

She seems not to have been a bad person from most accounts, but she had a failing that all of us are prone to, which is selfishness.  When Obama was in his first term and had a large majority in the senate (2008-2010), she was 77 years old and had been on the court for 15 years.   She was 10 years past her first colon cancer surgery and radiation, and was newly diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, which is often fatal, especially for those her age. 

If she had stepped down then, Obama would have easily replaced her with a young, far-left justice who would still be tormenting our country with terrible, partisan decisions for decades to come (IMHO). 

Even when she had heart surgery in November of 2014, Obama would have been able to replace her with a young leftist, though maybe not as far left as he’d like, since the GOP held a narrow majority in the Senate, with half of Obama’s term to go. 

But she held on, and risked what has now happened.  I’m sure that she thought that Hillary would win in 2016, but that lost bet resulted in the macabre kabuki dance of the last three years.  Leftist fangirls and SNL actresses created a wholly fictional “Notorious RBG” character – feisty, physically and mentally fit, a happy warrior for the leftist vision of an infinitely plastic constitutional jurisprudence. 

After every new hospitalization and bout of chemo, the leftist press praised her return to vigorous good health the way the equally trustworthy North Korean press touts Kim’s latest round of golf, during which he made multiple holes-in-one and finished 16 under par.

But the reality was there for everyone to see.  Regular hospitalizations.  Nodding off during SOTU speeches and SC cases.  Her public appearances revealed an unwell person with the posture of the letter “C,” and the frail bones and papery skin of Nancy Pelosi’s slightly less mummified older sister.  She was desperately trying to last long enough to see the bad orange man vanquished, so that she could be replaced by a fellow traveling leftist co-religionist.

And as if it were punishment for her hubris, she finally succumbed at the 11^th hour.  For her sake, I hope that her last days weren’t consumed with thoughts of politics.  Because if they were, those thoughts were surely bitter as ashes in her mouth.    

By the way, does her story remind you of anyone else on the political scene right now? 

Someone in obviously failing health, who should have stepped aside years ago?  Someone who’s desperately trying to hang on until after the election, and being propped up and lied to by a bunch of desperately dishonest partisans, all of them pretending that he’s in great shape, and once the bad orange man has been vanquished, he’ll be free to step down and let a younger, far-left replacement carry on his legacy?

If you tell me you don’t know who I mean, you’re a lying, dog-faced pony soldier.  C’mon man!

I’ve loved watching Cocaine Mitch at his Cocaine Mitch-iest for these last 10 days.  Schumer is squawking about the end of the world, and the MSM are simultaneously lighting their hair on fire and indulging in self-pleasuring fantasies of creating a 27-judge Supreme Court if they win the election.  

Dick “nobody ever calls him Richard” Durbin and Richard “everybody secretly calls him Dick” Blumenthal are both contemplating skipping the hearings, or at least lying on the Senate floor and holding their breath while having a Curly-Howard-style circular kicking fit. 

Meanwhile a gaggle of jackanapes, ne’er-do-wells and basement-dwellers are outside of McConnell’s Kentucky home, banging drums and screaming obscenities throughout the night, to deprive him of sleep.

I like to picture him sitting in an undisclosed location in DC, his fingers steepled in front of him as he watches the morons outside of his house in Kentucky through his ring doorbell camera.  And then, his eyes twinkling with mirth, he looks over at the framed photo on his desk, of Harry Reid, on the day he killed the filibuster, thus enabling an army of Trump-appointed judges and – God willing – the notorious ACB replacing RBG on the SC!    

You’d think the Dems would have learned their lesson by now: don’t mess with the Cartoon Schildkrote!   (For those of you who didn’t read my column last Monday: that’s the German word for “turtle,” which translates literally as “shield toad.”)

(And no, I’m not going to stop trying to work these terrific German words into our everyday vocabulary.  And only a real Adamschiffen would try to stop me!)

Speaking of which, some of you who have been reading this page and my columns for a couple of years – and why hasn’t some sharp-eyed investor already put those together into a handsome series of leather-bound volumes, like the old Time-Life Series on old west gunslingers or something?  — may remember when I introduced you to the Simpson Face Punchability Index, or SFPI™  (Appropriately enough, the execrable Harry Reid holds the all-time high SFPI.)

Well it turns out the clever Germans beat me to it!  Hat tip to reader Michaela Lieb, who told me that the Germans have a word that just rolls off the tongue – “backpfeifengesicht” (pronounced just like it’s spelled, duh!) – which means “a face that badly needs to be punched.” 

God, I love the Germans!

Avenatti/ Harry “Backpfeifengesicht” Reid  2020!

  After a string of columns in which I vented my spleen at the political forces that are threatening to rip our country apart, I’d like to return to the “we should all be optimists” theme from a couple of months ago.  Because even amongst this current chaos, we are living in amazing times, and we are surrounded by many good things that we should savor and appreciate. 

Positive thing #1: I recently came across a guy on Youtube who speaks 50 languages or more, and he goes around shocking people in stores and malls by speaking to them in their native languages.  He’s a switched-on black guy named Moses McCormick, and you should check out his videos. 

I cannot get enough of seeing him talking to some Vietnamese family or Japanese guy or Albanian weightlifter in a gym, and watching their double-take and then delighted expressions as this black American unleashes a torrent of fluent foreigner-talk.  Plus, he’s got this sonorous Denzel Washington laugh that might possibly cure cancer.   

Positive thing #2:  Speaking of the possibility of cross-cultural harmony, America is the least racist multi-cultural country in the history of the world. 

That probably sounds ridiculous to you, if you went to an American school or college in the last 30 years, and unless you’ve actually traveled to a lot of other multi-racial countries in the world.   The left has been howling about what a terrible and racist country America is for decades, but even a tiny bit of common sense should tell you that that is not true.   

If we were so terrible, why would untold millions of people from around the world be doing everything they can to come here?  Why does all of the raft traffic between here and Cuba go in one direction only, away from the enlightened, socialist paradise Cuba and toward America?  Why would all of the illegal border crossings between us and Mexico be one-way, from Mexico to this land, which the La Raza creeps says is a terrible place to be… as they fight tooth and nail to stay. 

The same applies to American citizens.  To listen to Biden and Comma-la and Obama and every other national Dem official tell it, America is a hell-hole of racist oppression for black Americans.

But how does that claim square with the strange recent phenomenon of white folks pretending to be black?  Rachel Dolezal (the NAACP local leader, for whom the “C” stood for “Caucasian”) is probably the most famous example, exposed when pictures turned up of her in her early teens, showing her fair hair and blue eyes, wearing a gingham dress, and looking more like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms than Assata Shakur. 

But within just the last month, several faux black academics have made mortifying confessions when they were caught after pretending to be black.  Jessica Krug has spent more than a decade publishing unreadable, jargon-clotted academic drivel on various lefty, minority-centric topics, but had to resign from her faculty post at GW University this month after it turned out that she is just a white person with “lifelong mental illness struggles.” (Does it suggest anything to anyone that someone with life-long mental problems had NO problem fitting into academia?)

In Wisconsin, grad student — and aspiring-faux black tenured professor, I guess – CV Vitolo-Haddad was also forced to step down from her TA position when it turned out that she was only a lowly… Italian!  Oh the shame! 

And let’s not forget the MA Senator who, despite being as white as the love-child of Tom Wolfe and Icelandic singer/weirdo Bjork, lying on a polar bear rug in January in Reykjavik, claimed to be a Cherokee maiden.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

I don’t cite these examples to mock these obviously disturbed people.  (Except for Lizzie the Algonquin Albino, who deserves more mockery than she will ever get.)  I just want to make a point that should be obvious:  in societies which are truly racist toward any minority, NO ONE ever pretends to be a member of that minority.

In Catholic countries 500 years ago, do you think any Catholics were pretending to be Protestants?  In Hitler’s Germany, do you think any blue-eyed blondes were pretending to be Jews?  In the Democrat-run slave states before the Civil War – or in the Democrat-run Jim Crow states 100 years ago – do you think any white folks were pretending to be black folks?  In fact, there are heartbreaking tales from the pre- and post-Civil War of mixed raced people doing everything they could to “pass” as white. 

In stark contrast, mixed race people today will almost inevitably identify as black.  Obama – who is technically as white as he is black, and who was raised by his white family in almost exclusively white (and Hawaiian) social circles until college – received all kinds of advantages and almost certainly millions of more votes by presenting himself as black, rather than mixed race.   (Have you ever heard of anyone or any media account referring to him as “the first mixed-race president?”)

We’re an amazing country, and while racism exists here as it does in every country with people in it, we’re an amazingly accepting nation.  We need to remember that, and to teach it to our kids, and to do our best to counter the poisonous, anti-American lies that the left is filling peoples’ heads with about race. 

Positive thing #3: If you still have Netflix – and after the “Cuties” controversy, I wouldn’t blame you for getting rid of it – I have three recommendations if you like well-crafted writing.

Most of you have probably already seen No Country for Old Men, but it rewards multiple viewings.  The acting and cinematography are great, and there are half a dozen scenes that I’ve watched a hundred times or more, just to savor the pitch-perfect language.

Colin Quinn is a rare comic that (to my knowledge) has not felt the need to get partisan/political.  He’s got a sharp eye, and a way with words, and his special “New York Story” is a funny love letter to the multicultural mix that created his hometown.  (Though now it feels a little like an obituary, after watching the way Cuomo and DiBlasio seem bent on making the city unlivable for sane people.)

Finally, “Mr. Right” is a little-known but deftly written comedy that starts out as a pedestrian romcom, but 10 minutes in turns into an eccentric serial-killer-with-a-heart-of-gold-meets-girl story.  Sam Rockwell is great as the male lead, and Anna Kendrick is freaking adorable; she does light comedy very well, and while she’s not classically beautiful, I have a crush on her anyway.  

Positive thing #4:  While our professional athletes have been doing their best to make me hate all sports, and Joe Biden has been fielding softball questions like a guy who badly needs to stumble into the tent where the concussion protocols are given, and the MSM has focused like Rain Man on the most insignificant turns of phrase in the president’s trivial tweets…

Donald Trump has been helping to bring peace to the Middle East! 

No he’s not solely responsible.   The Israelis have stepped up and been reasonable, as they nearly always are.  And the first few Arab countries to sign on have recognized reality, and the best interests of their citizens. 

And we can’t forget the crucial role that Obama played, either.  His disastrously wrong, gaffe-filled foreign policy decisions – especially the brainiac plan to trust the jihadi freaks running Iran, and to give them political support and mountains of cash – created such catastrophic chaos that even the most recalcitrant nations in the region had to admit that Israel is not the problem. 

It’s also fun to watch the MSM heartburn at this development.  For my entire lifetime, “peace in the Middle East” has been an absurdist punchline, right there beside “curing cancer” as a trope used to suggest something that is metaphysically impossible.  For decades, the Wizards of Smart (hat tip to Rush) in our foreign policy establishment have been stroking their chins and condescendingly sniffing that no Middle East treaties can ever be negotiated until the terrorist Palestinian government has first been appeased.

And then this big, orange dope bumbles in and does what they say couldn’t be done.

And Obama sits in his mansion in his all-white neighborhood on Martha’s Vineyard staring at the wall, and young jihadis in the West Bank listlessly fiddle with their suicide vests – all dressed up, and no one to blow up.  And our media DO NOT COVER the biggest foreign policy story since 9/11. 

If this schadenfreude continues for any longer than four hours, I will need to call my physician.

Speaking of schadenfreude, I now come to Positive Thing #5: the amazing, entertaining German language, which I have lately come to enjoy more and more.  So let me finish by singing its praises. 

First, a German dad-joke:  No matter how kind you are, German children will always be kinder.

One thing to love about Germans is the way they coin such amazing combination words.

In addition to schadenfreude (joy taken from another’s misery), there is “verschlimmbessern,” which means “making something worse while trying to fix it.” 

As in, “Obamacare was a gigantic, stinking heap of verschlimmbessern.”

There is also a word that means “the weight gained due to emotional eating when depressed”: “kummerspeck.”  Which literally means “grief bacon!” 

As in, “If Biden wins, I’m going to spend all of November mowing through an entire barnyard’s worth of kummerspeck.”

There’s even a word that means, “you’re not wrong, you’re just an a**hole” – waltersobchakeit – which would come in super handy every election year, as well as many other times.  (Now if only there were a word that means something very similar: “you are wrong, AND you’re an a**hole.”  I nominate “adamschiffen.”)

(You’re welcome.)

Many German words are comically on point.  The word for birth control pill is “antibabypille.”  (No word on whether the word for abortionist is “antibabydoktor,” but it should be.) 

The word for “skunk” is “stinkteir” – stink animal. 

The word for “porcupine” is “stachelschwein” – spike pig. 

The word for “turtle” is “schildkrote” – shield toad.

The word for “turkey” is “truthan” – threatening chicken.

Gloves are “hand shoes” (handschuhe).  Friends with benefits are “sexfreunde.”  Kittens are “cat children.”  Lightbulbs are “glow pears.”   

I love it! 

As in many languages, German words that are almost identical can mean something very different:  “erschaffen”  means “create,” but change one letter — to “arschaffen” – and you’ve got “ass monkey.”

German also has some idiomatic phrases that are nonsensical to outsiders.  “Das ist mir Wurst” is a phrase that means, “I don’t care.”    Literally translated, it means “This is sausage to me.”  I have no idea why sausage would evoke such apathy – to me a good wurst is the best! (HA!) – but I love the phrase.  And I’m going to try to use it whenever I get the chance, no matter how many strange looks I get.

Have a happy Monday, everybody.   And as we approach election day, remember that Trump has been erschaffen a strong economy and peace in the Middle East, while Joe Biden is just an arschaffen. 

Also, you’ll be hearing a lot of Democrat talking points about why Trump shouldn’t nominate a replacement for Ginsburg, but it’s all sausage to me, and it should be to you, too.

Avenatti/ Arschaffen 2020!

Last week I wrote a flurry of columns – four in five days – mostly to vent and mock those on the left who hate the country, white folks and cops – not necessarily in that order – and have spent these last months rioting, kneeling at football games and all the rest. 

On the one hand, it feels great to take such rhetorical shots at deserving targets, and I think it’s probably good for my blood pressure.  But I’m also aware that sustained anger can be corrosive – even if that anger is righteous. 

And like most of us, I guess, I always feel like my anger is righteous! 

This column is going to be a little more of the same, but I’m working on something for Monday morning that will be full of positive, lighthearted stuff to get your week off to a sunny start.  But in the meantime, there’s more to get off my chest, and more leftist crash test dummies that need to be figuratively run into a concrete abutment at 70 mph with no passenger restraints engaged.

First, Imhotep Pelosi continues to be absolutely awful.  Her latest offense against all that is good and reasonable was an interview that she gave last week on the subject of the CA wildfires. 

One bit of projection that always amuses me is the Left’s arrogantly claiming the mantle of the Party of Science™.  Sure, they’re not big on the whole “humanity is a sexually dimorphic species” idea, or the existence of X and Y chromosomes that determine gender, or that a baby in the womb is a baby.  In the womb.  But they’re all in on a view of climate change that comes down to, “Gaia exists, and we will feel Her wrath!”

I know what you’re thinking: “Oh Martin, you are such a compelling writer, with your deft exaggerations for comic effect, and your hilarious running jokes about Nancy Pelosi’s desiccated appearance, and also your undeniable sexual magnetism, which is neither here nor there.”

First, aw shucks.  I just try to take care of myself, go running with Cassie the Wonder Dog, and lift a few weights once in a while.

Second, I am not exaggerating for comic effect when I talk about Pelosi.  The dangerously mask-less mummy was on MSNBC last week – her hair looked terrific! – and she said the following, which I swear I am not making up:

“Mother Earth is angry.  She’s telling us – whether she’s telling us with hurricanes on the Gulf Coast, fires in the west, whatever it is – the climate crisis is real, and has an impact.”    

Got that?  It’s not terrible, environmental-extremist-driven forest management which has allowed tons of dry tinder to build up in our forests for decades.  No!  Too many of us have been voting for conservatives, and Mother Earth is very displeased. 

If Biden wins in November, I expect that we’ll embark on a “throw some virgins into the forest fires” program that Pelosi promises will end those fires, and also give us a plentiful harvest next fall.  Now if you’ll excuse her, she has to meet with Biden’s future cabinet, where they will read some chicken entrails to come up with an economic plan for the next fiscal year.

I know that Pelosi is old enough that she and Mother Earth went to high school together, but I am still not going to accept her interpretations of Her message!

Next, the tragic shooting of the two cops in Compton last weekend is as infuriating an event as has happened in this infuriating year.  It’s especially aggravating that the coward who shot them is still at large.  (Although after watching the video of the shooting, I think the proper term would have to be “at small,” wouldn’t it?)

This incident is especially instructive, for two reasons.  First, the hateful BLM and antifa creeps who have been animating these months-long riots and attacks on cops claim to be outraged over cops brutalizing innocent black people, even though they are strangely unable to point to more than one or two extremely isolated instances in which that actually has happened.

Instead, they cite one case after another in which black criminals victimize mostly black victims, and when those black victims call the cops, the criminals attack them and fight with them until they get shot.

But the Compton shooting lifts the veil from even that flimsy excuse.  The two cops were sitting their squad car, not bothering anybody, when the little creep shot them and ran away. 

The second – and probably more important – aspect of this shooting is the reaction from presumed leftists at various levels.  At the base, a bunch of vile creeps began videotaping the two cops right after the shooting.  They laughed and celebrated as the female cop – with blood pouring from her jaw wound – tried to call for help, and tend to her partner who had been shot in the forehead.  

I couldn’t listen to more than a minute of several of those videos, and I probably shouldn’t have listened to that much.   And I would not attribute a political ideology to those scumbags, as they are likely not capable of a level of thought that could rise above, “Me smash!” or “Orange man bad!”

But they have definitely been marinating in the hateful messages of one of our main political parties: America is an evil, systemically racist and oppressive country, and cops are the murderous foot soldiers of that racist regime, and thus deserve whatever violence can be visited upon them.  

If you think that’s too harsh, you haven’t been paying attention.  That message, in one form or another, can be found in the speeches and web postings and campaign materials of mainstream Democrat candidates – including those in the presidential primaries – all across the country. 

For example, within hours of that attempted double cop murder, the leftist City Manager of neighboring Lynwood, Jose Ometeotl (not to be confused with Quetzalcoatl, who was worshipped by a bunch of bloodthirsty goons like Jose), posted a social media graphic of Malcolm X’s famous quote about chickens coming home to roost, along with a paragraph that features the same evil dishonesty that has been expressed in ten thousand Democrat talking points this year.

Jose first rhetorically cleared his throat (“I do not condone the type of violence…”), before he immediately went on to condone the violence.  He referred to the way that Compton has been “plagued by deputy gangs that inflict fear and violence,” and explained that when a cowardly little punk tries to assassinate two cops it “is to be expected” because of the “seeds of anger and frustration” that the sheriff’s office has sown in the community. 

Another well-known BLM activist leader named Kevin Wharton Price described the proper reaction to the cop shooting this way:  “We are supposed to celebrate today because the oppressor has been slain.  If this is a start of retribution, then I think this is a very good start.” 

These people are both prominent, local leftist leaders, one elected, and one in a leadership position in a group that even the Democrat presidential ticket has been praising all summer.  And we’ve heard only the most tepid response:  nothing about the riots during the convention, and only the most bland and colorless reference to “violence on both sides” since.  

Meanwhile 99.9% of the violence has been on the one side that the Dems won’t mention by name, or condemn with any vigor, while they simultaneously bleat about imaginary armies of “white nationalists and Neo-nazis” who somehow manage not to riot, or burn any buildings, or kill anyone.  Or exist.  

An equally infuriating leftist riot happened in Lancaster, PA, after the 100% righteous shooting of Ricardo Munoz.  As with previous cause-celebre martyrs taken up by Biden voters as justification for an orgy of violence, Munoz turns out not to have been a sterling citizen.

In fact, he was awaiting trial for an incident last year when he stabbed four people, including a 22-year-old woman and a 16-year-old boy.  Last week his mother called the cops because he was acting erratic – again! – and had a knife – again! – and she was frightened about what he might do.  Again!

When the cops arrived, and before they even had a chance to demonstrate their anti-black racism against this armed Hispanic maniac, Munoz barreled out of the house and charged the cops.  He was screaming and waving a huge knife as he sprinted toward them.

Which is apparently his thing.

Like the antifa creep in Kenosha who brought a skateboard to a gunfight, this guy who brought a knife to a gunfight lost in the first round.  Convincingly. 

The cops, well aware that Biden-voting dimwits are prone to riot after anybody anywhere gets themselves shot by a cop, quickly put out a still picture of Munoz in full stride as he charged, mid-scream, and brandishing his fearsome-looking blade.

The picture made no difference, and the rioters rioted anyway.  As they put it, “No justice, no peace.”  Also, “Lots of justice, still no peace.”   And, “No matter what, no peace!”

So to re-cap, it doesn’t matter that the guy had a giant knife, because as a left-wing journalist/moron at the Milwaukee newspaper might put it, “he was otherwise unarmed.”  

Or, as I might equally logically put it, “With the exception of his brand new bullet holes, Munoz was otherwise unharmed.”

One final irony is that the racialists in BLM – who get furious if you say “All Lives Matter,” or “Blue Lives Matter,” and so, presumably, “Brown Lives Matter” – eagerly adopted Munoz as one of their own.

But then again, he did fit the profile of BLM’s favorite sainted victim group: he was a violent criminal, awaiting trial on a previous violent crime, who attacked a cop.

Why, it’s almost like BLM is a lot more concerned with the lives of violent criminals, than it is with the lives of black folks. 

But I guess VCLM doesn’t quite roll off the tongue the same way.

Avenatti/ Jose Quetzalcoatl 2020!

Boy, are Biden and Comma-la proving to be a dynamic duo! Every time Biden comes out into the open, blinking and disoriented, he almost manages to read from a teleprompter, and then is shuffled offstage for jello time.  And yet somehow, Kamala is managing to under-perform Joe.

There’s a reason that after an orgasmic media roll out during the primaries – She’s black!  She’s female!  She has a name that’s easy to mis-pronounce, but if you’re a conservative and mispronounce it, you’re a racist!  We looooove her!!!  — that she flamed out immediately. 

She garnered only 7% in her own home state, and was one of the first ones to drop out of the race, being outlasted by, among others, Grandma Squanto, the teen gay judge-y Pastor Buttigieg, and the 112-year old Vermont socialist who can’t remember whether he’s Ben or Jerry.

Because she talked.  And cackled.  And embodied an inauthenticity so metaphysically dense that no honest thought could escape its gravitational pull. 

She made wildly unsubstantiated charges against her fellow Dem empty suits.  She told wildly unfunny jokes, and then laughed like Hillary Clinton and the Joker had had a baby, who grew up to run for president and then huffed some nitrous oxide right before the debates.

Even her biography didn’t help, which is almost unbelievable in this day of identity politics on the left.  How does a minority, female Democrat not at least make it onto the medal stand of mediocrity at the end of the Democrat primaries?

 It turns out that she’s half Indian (spelling bee Indian, not fake Warren Indian) (#wemustneverstopmockingher) and half-Jamaican.  So no luck on the “my ancestors were enslaved in the Deep South” diversity points.

But at least she did have an ancestral tie to slavery… but it was that one of her Jamaican ancestors owned a bunch of slaves.  Cue the sad trombone.

Her personal bio wasn’t great, either.  As a cripplingly untalented young woman, she was having a hard time being taken seriously in political circles. Then, at 29, she managed to bump into creepy, 60-year-old married, leftist power broker Willie Brown.  (And yes, “bump into” is a euphemism.) 

From there, it was only a hop, skip and a hump, and she was hired for two political make-work jobs that paid in the mid six-figures, and launched her career in California politics.

Sorry – that’s “jump.”  A hop, skip and a jump. 

My bad.

Anyway, on Tuesday she spent some time with Jacob Blake Jr. and his family.  

You may remember him from that time he committed armed crimes and fought with cops years ago, or from that other time when he digitally raped a woman earlier this year, or from that time a few weeks ago when he returned to that woman’s house (with an active warrant out for him) and stole from her, before fighting with the police again, and going for a weapon, until he was (finally!) shot. 

And don’t confuse Jacob Blake Jr. with Jacob Blake Sr.  The old man is the Farrakhan fan who hates Jews, spews racial epithets at white people, and also at black people who aren’t criminals, and who screams out bulging-eyed diatribes at anti-cop hate fests. 

It’s like you can’t tell one giant d-bag Jacob Blake from another around Kenosha without a score card.

Anyway, Kamala came to town, and I know what you’re thinking: she’s a hard-nosed, tough-on-crime ex-prosecutor, so she probably laid into the rapist Jacob Blake and the creepy anti-Semite Jacob Blake – and any other Jacob Blakes to be named later, I guess.

Not exactly.  In fact she said of the Blakes, “They’re an incredible family. And what they’ve endured, and they just do it with such dignity and grace. And you know, they’re carrying the weight of a lot of voices on their shoulders.”

Ugh.  There is something wrong with every phrase there.  They’re not an incredible family – they’re a disturbed, dysfunctional family.  They haven’t endured, they’ve inflicted.  What part of forcibly sticking your fingers into a frightened, non-consenting woman’s body is dignified, Kamala?

She can’t even come up with a decent metaphor!  Voices don’t have any weight, and you can’t carry them, and they don’t rest on your shoulders. Idiot! 

To tops things off, Jacob Blake told the media – rapist Jacob Blake, not Jew-hating Jacob Blake – that Kamala told him that she was proud of him.

Double Ugh!

Jacob Blake  — the young creep, not the old one — is reportedly paralyzed from the waist down.   According to ABC news, “Doctors fear he may never walk again.”

You know who probably doesn’t fear that?  His potential rape victims!  (Cue Cheese-head Sam Kinison.  OH! OOOHHH!)

On the other hand, he still has control over his right arm and hand, and unluckily enough, that is both his knife hand AND his digital raping hand.  So you’re not out of the woods yet, black female Wisconsin residents.

What is it with top Democrats and siding with the bad guys?  If it’s not the Black Panthers, it’s thuggish rappers, or third-string America hating QB Colin Kapernick.  In a nation with – tragically – many thousands of young black men killed – when they are NOT committing crimes — by other black men, who did Obama pick as the one who “could be my son?”  Trayvon Martin!  Whom you may remember from that time when he was beating that “white Hispanic’s” already fractured skull into concrete right before he got righteously shot.

C’mon, Barry!  When it comes to identifying with and lauding black males, what’s wrong with Denzel, or David Dorn, or Tim Scott or Thomas Sowell or Clarence Thomas or Larry Elder or the late great Walter Payton (peace be upon him)?

Why hold up and praise rapists and convicts and other bad actors?  I’m almost as white as Elizabeth Warren (second verse, same as the first: #wemustneverstopmockingher), and even I can see that that’s insulting to black people.

Triple Ugh.  At least Plugsy and Kamala are doing their best to come off as completely unelectable, so we’ve got that going for us.   

For my second dose of schadenfreude, I’ll point you to the fact that in the last several weeks or so, it looks like the murderously peaceful rioters are actually starting to be arrested. 

Look at Breitbart’s 9/8 mugshot photo array – provided by the indispensable Andy Ngo – of the fascist “Anti-Fascist” peaceful rioters arrested in Portland recently.   (By the way, Breitbart has another round of mugshots posted on 9/9, but I’m talking below about the ones from 9/8.)

But first, a warning;  What you are about to see may be disturbing to some viewers.  Reader Discretion Advised.   Put away any scissors, skewers, knitting needles or any other pointy objects capable of gouging out your eyes as the result of a reflexive reaction upon seeing these horrifying visages.

For those of you with weak stomachs, I’ll attempt to paint a word picture.  I couldn’t make myself look at the page for long enough to read many of their names, but I have given them tremendously accurate descriptors of my own.

They are arranged in three rows of 4 mugshots each.  It’s like a demented Brady Bunch opening shot, except if Mike and Carol Brady were actually Charles Manson and Hillary Clinton, and their kids inherited only the most mis-shapen parts of their DNA.  (Sing it with me: “Here’s the story… of a former first lady… who was bringing up three horrifically feral girls.  All of them had shriveled souls… like their mother.   Several of them identify as crows.”  CAW CAW CAW)

Or no, wait! It’s like a game of Satan’s Bingo, with every square a nightmare, and when the “winner” connects a line of these monstrosities, instead of yelling “BINGO!” she yells, “YIKES!”

I kill me. 

Anyway, if you want to play the home game, call up the Breitbart story (after securing your pointy objects out of arm’s reach), and then see how many names I’ve nailed.  Starting at the top left, and going through one horizontal row at a time…  

Top row:  Angry Achmed, Grandma’s Cat’s-Eye Glasses, Gary Busey after Two More Helmet-less Motorcycle Crashes, Pancho Villa’s unconvincingly blond Great-Grandson. 

Middle Row:  Head Shape Not found in Nature, Blue Hair/Maddow Glasses, Identifies as Female but is Fooling No One, Smirky Hatchet-Face. 

Bottom Row:  Dimples & Lashes (nice!), Trying to Look Brave, Purple-Hair early-stage Meth Girl, Hispanic FuManchu & Mullet combo.

Scroll down through the story and you’ll find another batch of mugshots.  And it doesn’t get any better. 

There’s “Eyes Way Too Close Together,” and “Open Skin Sores” and “Stubbly McGee,” followed by “Kill my Landlord!” and “I hate you, Dad!” and “Snarly Garcia.” Then “Half-Lidded Dead Eyes” and “Parents were Cousins,” and “Parents were Siblings,” and several other variants of “The Family Tree was a Ladder.” 

Out of 20 pictures, two are gender-confused: a Deidre who used to be a David, and a Nicole, damned by the faintest of praise: “listed as female.”  Ouch.

They all look like the kind of geniuses who might bring a skateboard to a rifle fight, or light their feet on fire and dance around hilariously, while others of them try to put out the fire by waving oxygen toward it with a garbage can lid. 

Good times!

Granted, I’ve only seen those 20 pictures – and I’m really hoping I can find the new Visine “Retina Wipes” eye drops that I’m afraid might not exist – but I’m quite confident that if I looked through the other several hundred mugshots of peaceful rioters being arrested all across this great nation, I’d find more of the same.

You know who I’m 100% certain I would NOT find? 

“Va Va Voom” and “Look Who’ Been Working Out” and “Giggity Giggity” and “Brad Pitt’s Stunt Double” and “Miss Florida 2019” and “Runner-up for People’s Sexiest Man of the Year 2018,” and “Melania, is that You?”

If you ever find yourself doubting whether you’re on the right side of our political divide, here’s my advice:

1. Peruse the wit and wisdom offered on the Cautious Optimism website.
2. Read any book by Thomas Sowell.
3. Lock up your knitting needles and go to the 9/8/20 Breitbart story on the antifa mugshots.     

You may have thought this many times over the last six months, but believe me when I tell you:

It’s getting ugly out there.

Avenatti/Head Shape Not Found in Nature 2020!